Things I have to complete+ a little encouragement.

( in no order of importance)
- File my ELL notes (this, I predict, will take a considerable amount of time. Considering that I have notes all the way from last year. If I even want to consider doing remotely well in ELL, I better start quickly. )

- Study for the Geog test coming up next Tuesday. ( You CANNOT afford to disappoint Miss Hang again. Or Mr Low. They've done so much for you, the least you can do is to work your best.)

- Practise math questions. ( Well, this, I attribute not so much to my math tutor in school but to my tuition teacher. It's hard earned money each lesson. Don't waste it. )

- Get help for GP. How? By reattempting sections of the compre paper you KNOW you shouldn't be losing marks in, ie. The summary. As for the essay, well that, you can use the formula that's been given to you.

-DO NOT BE AFFECTED BY SML'S YOWLING. This is exceptionally important. SML will continue to yell even closer to the As, and the last thing you need is a mental breakdown, especially when there's going to be less of a moral support and cheering up. You've got to learn to cheer yourself up.

- Balance your time. I don't think this needs further elaboration.

- Continue to be happy and cheerful even after the 1st week of September. Yes it's going to be hard. Yes you're gonna feel lethargic and miss. Thing is, 1. The camp is still in Singapore, on the main island, 2. 1 text/call a day, or even less than that, is perfectly fine for so little time. 3. There's so much trust that you know it's gonna be okay. A true friendship is when 2 people don't text/call each other everyday, and yet still know that their friendship is still as strong as ever, and still know better than to question that friendship.

- Be there as a rubber mat; bounces off, and yet absorbs the bouncing. ( analogy)

In fact I think when it comes to my mental health, the last 2 are the most important and most precious to me. The things that keep me the happiest I've ever been, as well as keeping me sane.

Oh and a side note; Remember what Deborah, Courtney, Nat and Vi said to you in break today. " Ju, I think you're the most hardworking of all of us. In fact, I think when it comes to content, you know way more than all of us here because you actually mug. The problem is the extraction of this information and slotting them into the right places. Because Ju, you're most certainly not lacking in brains, and neither are you lacking in vocabulary. You have an impressive vocab and all you need to do is to make use of it. Extract it the right way. Put the big concepts into a mindmap. And you'll get there. We have faith in you. If you need help or are unsure of whether you're on the right track, come to us. We're here for you. Nat and Courtney want to help you. Because unlike the other insolent ones in class, you're trying. And honestly, you have the right attitude Ju. Even the effort is there. We can all see it. And again, you're trying. That's admirable. And that's the most important thing of all."

I can safely say I've never been more touched by what my classmates have said to me all my 2 years of life. I actually have a renewed sense of hope now.

I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Something so rare has been found, and I've never felt more genuine in my whole life. 

I'm amazed. I'm utterly delighted. 

To think I've found something I spent so long searching for. 

It's an amazing feeling. 

Veneer

This is a section of a play that I'm studying, Top Girls.
Win: So why are you making a change?
Louise: Other people make changes.
Win: But why are you, now, after spending most of your life in one place?
Louise: There you are, I've lived for that company, I've given my life really you could say because I haven't had a great deal of social life...I've built a department...And I feel I'm stuck there. I've spent twenty years in middle management...Nobody notices me, I don't expect it, I don't attract attention by making mistakes, everybody takes it for granted that my work is perfect. They will notice me when I go.

I'm starting to feel that there's no use trying so hard. I don't get anywhere. I'm stuck here, like Louise. Except that I'm not even as far as having 'built a department', and that I don't make 'perfect' work. I do what I can and the best part is, sometimes it's just not enough. I've tried, and I've failed, and I've tried again, and I feel stuck. Stuck somewhere where I can't move up, only down. Like I'm continously running on a treadmill of exams, tests and work and I can't go anywhere. I'm not moving up.

I don't know whether it's just me, but I think, I THINK I had a mental breakdown last night. I don't even remember anything. I was perfectly normal, still talking normally and even laughing after having had a good day out yesterday. I was really happy back in the day but at night I don't know what happened. I looked at my work ( which isn't even as much as compared to my friends who haven't even started, some of them) and just started crying. I haven't actually done so over work in quite a long time, so I guess that shocked me as well. But I don't even know why. I think about those friends whom I'm going to competing against and just ask myself, why, why did I even choose this path? Why did I think I wanted to fight with people who were not my calibre ( because they were better than that?)

I feel like tossing a whole string of vulgarities here but that's not my thing. Whatever la. And honestly, why the hell am I whining?Who am I to get upset over this? Time to just shut up and live life, wherever it takes me.

Lesson learnt: Never ever take panadol on an empty stomach. It doesn't work and only serves to aggravate the problem. Or the pain.
The cramps are killing me. I feel crazily nauseas, but I think my body is wired not to puke. I haven't done so for years and years now so the way I see it, nothing is ever going to make me do so.
All I feel like is fainting.
I should also stop whining about this because half the world has to go through it as well.
I'm going to put off doing math homework for a while. 

A game of Sims.

I upgraded my entire blog and now it looks... strange. New, even. But the thing is, It's kind of symbolic as well. Almost like how I'm leaving my childhood behind ( dayum, I should have changed the skin the day I turned 18)even as I'm not technically an adult yet. But I guess I will be this year, so it suppose the timing's rather appropriate.

Anyway, back to the symbolism ( I think I've had a lit overdose)- I think there's a lot that can be said about the significant switch in things, the colour scheme, the designs, even the title and its description. It's a rather odd feeling but I miss the old theme a little, the cartoon pictures of chocolate cakes against an equally chocolate background. And the only reason why I miss it is because I can never get that theme and design back again, simply because I ridiculously forgot to save my template before upgrading it ( yes yes, blur).

But technicalities aside, it's almost akin to how we have to move on in our lives, even though the desire for a great majority of us is to cling on to whatever we have and not accept change as a part and parcel of life and it's uncertainties- thus my new blog description over there as well. Doing away with the ' CAKES GALORE|Ju Lyn<3 ' appears to be almost an attempt at accepting life and what we know it as the 'strange destiny'. ( actually, that last part of my blog description was actually paraphrased from Tess of the D'Ubervilles, The Maiden)

With Tess on my mind, I guess I could go on about the bleakness of life and how we are governed by God and how He chooses to lead our paths, but that would be a tad too dismal. Although I suppose the 'blighted star' that we live on which appears to fully subjugate us by evicting us of the power to fully control our lives is partially true as well- we are never fully in control of our lives, are we? How can we be, if we can never be certain about what will happen in the next hour, minute or even second? Perhaps we are never really in control of our own lives- the decisions we make are but insignificant drops of water in the vast ocean of what will actually happen? I mean, I recently read about this lady who planned ahead of time, not one year, not two years, but 5 years ahead. Then one day, she was struck down with cancer and realised she had only 3 months to live. The effort she put into planning for her future was futile then. Perhaps it is the omniscient observer, God, even, who believes that one should not attempt to gain too much power and control over our own lives by striking us when we least realise it, a painful but necessary fine.

Sometimes I like to wonder if we're just mere puppets that live upon this earth, governed by fate or even God. It's like the game of Sims, whereby we are players of a little town for which the people have a mind of their own, yet we, as players, have the power to do anything we want to these people- starve them, play with them, decide when they should fish or make friends with someone. Now imagine that we are those people living within this game, with minds of our own and lives to lead. Yet despite all that, we have someone, God, watching over us, deciding how our lives turn out, just like how we, as players, decide how the lives of the Sims play out, scolding and punishing them when they do something bad, and praising them when they do something good.

Aren't our lives all a game of Sims and Virtual Villages? It most certainly seems so. Maybe that's the reason why we're always trying to see into the future. Because it hurts to be punished for doing something bad.

So now I upgraded my blog template layout and all my links and my tagboard is gone.
What the hell la.

Well on the bright side, at least the posts are easier to read now.
Not that anyone reads this stale thing, anyway. 

I'm tired.
I don't mean just tired from the lack of sleep. I mean that I'm tired of trying of having to keep trying.
Trying and failing.
And I have this sudden longing for a hug.
I'm stuck. Stuck in this mad rat race of materialism. What happened to the simple joy of lying on grass and staring up at the sky without a care in the world? I've lost that and I miss that.
But as they say, hang in there. I don't have a choice.
Back to completing my ELL essay. 

3 months.

In 3 months's time, I'm going to have to brace myself for a lot of changes. Which include the fact that my As are coming. That my bastion won't be so readily available for consultation ( maybe that's the wrong word to use but I can't think of anything else as it is). That my friends will be caught up with their own lives and trying to conquer As as well. When it comes to the final battle, each of us will have to fight for ourselves. Because at the end of the day, to each his own.

Save and savour the time you have left. Make the best use of it. Balance your time well. 3 months. That's all I have left, after which we will be off fighting our own battles ( physically and metaphorically). And while I have many objectives in mind, there is one clear objective that I cannot, will not, and must never lose- being there, being present, and maintaining things.

Don't expect to reap anything without effort. A dream requires effort to become a reality, because otherwise, it will just be a case of 'dream on'. And that, is something that I cannot afford. 

I'm drowning in assignments.

Someone pull me out of this mess.

Please. 

'Speech was as inexpressive as silence.' - Tess of the D'ubervilles by Thomas Hardy.

When our words fail us, what do we do? Do we resort to quiet musing, reflection or silent tears? Or when all else fails, perhaps the last thing we'd turn to would be a simple, genuine hug.

That's what I think I do best, actually. Because sometimes silence is a person's loudest cry, and also because silence is a sound by itself.

Strangely enough, it is through one of the more noisier places that I learnt the art of silence. Of peace. And of serenity. But what I also picked up was that silence could suggest inner turmoil and fear for which words don't convey, can't convey, or a refusal to convey.

I guessed that's the reason I choose to hug instead. I vaguely remember describing a hug with much detail in one of my earlier posts and thing is, sometimes, that's all someone needs. And I also guess that that perhaps the most important thing is that, despite a person's silence, never take the silence to be one of condescension, submission or inability. Because that is rarely the situation.

In which case, I choose to hug.

Because hugging usually makes someone feel better, anyway.

Singlehood

This post is going to be actually strange because I actually dreamt that I was blogging this so before I forget what I wrote in my dream, I'll let that one dream become a reality.

1stly, I'll say, it's been a few months. The way I see it, both parties have finally had the tenacity and grit(?) to move on with our lives, albeit separate ways. But being separate, and being single without a partner too has it's advantages, especially when being with someone who isn't suited for you pressurizes you akin to a vacuum jar. It's a cathartic sense of freedom, a far cry from the incessant worry and fear that something might go wrong, yet having to remain quiet about it for fear of angering your partner should you raise it up. Then there's the paranoia- or basically, an over exaggerated fear that something is going wrong.

All these that vanquished in the light of singlehood. And also in the light of a wrong partner. As they often said, being single isn't a status; its about having the audacity to find your own footing first before you mess with another person's. Perhaps it's the sheer relief, a unbridled sense of freedom and a inconsequential thoughts, actions and words that summarise the joys of being single. And perfectly happy as such.

Like a friend once summarised it- getting into a relationship means bearing the consequence of willingly being handcuffed, but it depends as to the degree to which you feel these handcuffs on you. And the way I see it, even if I'm ready to have the handcuffs on, these handcuffs will not come on for a long time. In time to come, maybe, but not now. 

Well then.
Problem solved. In a peaceful way. Just like how I envisioned it to be always, but never managed to achieve.
Well, I have this time.
No reason to be fear. No reason to be paranoid. Crappy experiences doesn't mean your future's gonna be as crappy as your past. The future is a new beginning. Look up, walk on, and don't look back.

In other words, I'm really glad conflict of such a sensitive nature could be resolved in such a cordial manner. How rare. How pleasantly surprising. So Julyn, what more evidence do you need? None. Stop worrying, stop being paranoid. Remember what that caused you in the past. That, learn from it. 

I want to be alone. Alone with company. The right kind of company. And while I'm alone I want a hug. The kind of hug that's tight enough to hold you and shield you from but for which also isn't so quick to push you away.

So far I've been independent enough to live without it after it was given but taken away. But we can't always have whatever we want in life anyway. Oh well. 

Too many things that need sorting out. But should I speak? Or should I remain silent, mute, and just force them from sight, hoping that they'd be another case of 'out of sight, out of mind'? My guess is that the former would be much more appropriate. Much more decent. Much like what I promised. But then again, could it be a mere mishmash of fears mixed with pms that's just dragging my mood down? I don't know. This dragging of mood began yesterday, hit an all-time low, then rebounded back up, before sinking down again. 

It's also like the tear ducts in my eyes won't stop functioning. I don't even know why, nor how to stop it. Last night was hell, and apparently I was voicing all my fears out in my sleep last night. Yes that's marginally frightening but it also speaks volumes about these fears- how much have I been surpressing them that I actually speak these out in my sleep? That's the frightening part. 

But as it is for now, don't look back. I don't, but I'm afraid that I'm not the one regretting. I don't know the answers. And these answers, I will find them out. But wait I don't even know if I should because it could be just me being bloody hell-ass paranoid. As usual. I don't know. I try not to show these fears and so far, it's working. I still sound normal and look normal. 

I rarely do this but, God, please help me. I don't even need to voice my fears to You because at least You can read my mind as it is. Provide me with some sort of guidance so that I might find my way in this vast, dark abyss. 

This is going to be a very meek attempt at trying to sort out my feelings for the entire day. A little too mixed, maybe, and even now, I don't even know how I should be feeling. Also, I'm actually pretty pms-ey now, so I apologise if this post sounds oh-so-typically-female ( no chauvinistic jokes please )

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing connection. Then again, I know I have a tendency to be paranoid so well, yeah. That's kinda ridiculous as well, but look what this excessive fear has led you to in the past. Don't let this happen again. Don't expect the same thing each time, because you know moods change and people behave differently. Whatever it may be, remember that you do not have the right to intrude into problems nor expect them to be told to you.

I'm worried. I'm worried that things may not turn out the way we want it to. After attaining this point it would be a utter folly to ruin things, would it not?

One thing's for sure- I've always trusted your words so whatever it may be, I won't stop trusting them. Though I wish I hadn't texted you that. But what's done can't be undone. Too late to regret. Move on. Sometimes I always wish I'd be at the same level as she once was. Where you're happy just speaking to me and where you check your phone, wondering if I replied. Occasionally, that is. I might be, I might not. But that lies not in my grasp. Not for me to say. Because at the end of the day, I'd rather you just be happy.

Time to make an attempt to put all these fears away. And also time to stop being such an emotional wreck. I swear the sugar gets me really high but also crashes really hard. 

I should stop being such a weakling sometimes.
And to hell with the overthinking. Because I've got this feeling it's about me, just that I can't, won't, and do not have the right to probe.

One more thing. I've got a birthday party to attend later and instead of being an emotional idiot because I'm pms-ing or whatever, time to get started on lit. Before you realise your swollen eyes become even more evident. 

I give up.
Screw the hell out of this la. Who in the world told you that you had to try and help people? Well, reality's giving you a check now, isn't it. One huge lie, wasted breath.

Give it up Ju. You just got lied to in your own face. Any more proof needed? None.

I feel like crying so bad.   I'm perfectly fine. 

Forgive me for my deadpan mood right now. I'm entirely exhausted but also supremely happy for a day well spent- outside studies, that is.
I vaguely recall chiding myself for being so excited about a simple event but well, I guess all that excitement was worth it. I guess afterall, excitement is something you can't really suppress, because it's the same happy, excited sensation that keeps my drive, my sanity and ultimately, my happiness. The excitement of spending time with a rare jewel is something that has yet to be diminished, nor do I ever have the intention of diminishing it.

Yet despite this excitement that builds up every now and again, it's not something that has to be kindled everyday. Well yes granted that some days I go about in a happy, blissful fashion, motivated as a result to complete my work instead of feeling down creates an almost utopian environment where, to be honest, I haven't been so happy in such a long period of time. What made me even happier would then be the fact that this happiness isn't the simple form of happiness. It extends way deeper than that, complex ,but contrary to what one would believe, this complex form of happiness is pure.

What else is pure? The simplest form of love. It's one of the happiest things I know as well.

And with so much, it's a wonder we ever become unhappy. And if I'm happier these days, well, times spent like today are always the happiest. 

Happiness

I should stop being overly sensitive.
I should stop being so randomly excited over little things ( like next Tuesday and no, it's definitely not because my closest friends are leaving Singapore).

Sometimes I think I get those random childish/childlike moments where you get so excited and happy thinking about something that's going to happen, then after a while of this excitement, you just stop and go, why in the world am I so happy about that? It's not as if something significant is going to happen ( well, significant is a subjective term, isn't it) or as if something is going to change. It's none of that. And after the day is over, all the happiness and pent up excitement just manifests in a sudden collapse of your mood. Like a deflated balloon. Because you won't know when you're going to be this happy again.

Sometimes I wonder why these little things make me so excited or happy. Perhaps because it's an opportunity to finally be at peace with the world for a bit. Or because my life comprises too much of academics that a release, of any sort, is immensely welcome.

Yep, I should stop being so randomly excited about things like that. I can't help it, but I'll try.

Another 3 more months to ensure I make the fullest out of everything I have right now. Then once the 3 months end, it's time to face challenges ( not alone, thankfully ) and come out as a stronger person. 

I don't know why thinking up of the conversation last night suddenly made me remember a piece of advice I've been dispensing, rightly or wrongly, to friends of mine. ' The past is past. Learn from your mistakes, and move on, because we don't have time to keep revisiting the mistakes of the past at the expense of your future.'

And then it suddenly occurred to me that I was doing just what I've been advising people against. Revisiting my past. Too much, in fact. And I don't even know why I am doing so, because I know you won't want to hear of it and hell, it's the past. It's over. 

So here's the deal; if you so happen to be reading this, ( well, I hope you are) I apologise for constantly bringing up the past when it's already clear that as my friend, you don't care. You have every reason to, but you don't. And if you don't, why should I then? I won't mention it again. And by the past, I mean the problems and the unhappiness. 

Yeah, time to stop trying to squeeze any more learning lessons out of the past. Oh and one more note to self- stop comparing. It's not fair to others, and it's not fair to yourself either. It's perfectly achievable. 

You've been that bright spark that evokes a smile out of me even when I least feel like it.
Thanks for always being there :) 

You come to me for help. I help you the best I can, and yet, you choose to ignore it.
Tell me, how am I supposed to help you?

Yes I understand that you're human. And that you have feelings like everyone else has. But perhaps it's because you haven't yet tested the hot coals for yourself that you desire so much to leap head first into the heat.

And I'm standing at the side and yelling at you to watch your footsteps but still you refuse and still you head merrily towards the coals, thinking that you'd be received with 'open arms'. It's even more sickening to see you creating excuses for yourself to leap into the flames.

I don't even know what to do anymore. What makes it harder is that both of you are my closest friends. Friends whom I can't live without. And doing something so dangerous, in such short a span of time, would most certainly result in the cracking open of not just the two of you, but also the rest of the clan.

One more thing. I have the morals, but I don't have the time to keep up with your case. As are drawing closer. We can't afford to mess anything up. Not you, not me. Not anyone.

Enough ranting. Time to get back to that pile of assignments and tutorials yet to be completed, sometimes wishing that homework was asexual because then it would just do itself ( lame joke. )

Take care everyone. Or maybe, anyone. Because who ever reads this boring blog anyway?

I received a text earlier today, informing our class that we have another 2 more ELL assignments to complete.

That makes a total of 5 essays for ELL altogether. And that's just ELL. There's sitll Geog, Lit and all my math homework, as well as GP.

Just for your info, that makes a total of 25 essays, one math exam paper, and one GP comprehension. 

I'm going to drown I swear. 

Whatever it is, don't snap. Don't. 

Recipe.

A relationship is like a freshly baked cake. Both partners hold equal amount of ingredients for the making of this cake and what ingredients they add to the cake eventually results in the taste, texture and overall quality of the cake. But these ingredients and the importance of each ingredient must be worked out before the baking of the cake begins. You choose if you want more eggs, more flour, more milk, or more sugar. Both partners may differ in how they want the cake to turn out, but eventually, a mutual consensus is reached whereby the eventual cake is something both partners desire.

This cake merely forms the basic structure of a relationship. When the cake comes freshly baked from the oven, one's instinct would be to delve into the cake immediately. However, we cannot do that because whatever comes out from the oven would be just the basic requirements for a successful relationship. As time wears on, one must add more layers to the cake, spreading a layer of velvet cream or jam in between the layers to secure the layers together and make sure that they don't come apart, as well as add the occasional icing to add interest to the cake as well as to enhance the taste of the cake when it is eventually eaten. The layers of cream that gel the different layers of cake together should ideally be of different flavours, and it can be as different as chocolate cake and cream cheese, or have a difference as subtle as chocolate cream and chocolate mousse. This adds variety and interest to the cake, but yet these differences must compliment each other in terms of taste.

Occasionally, one might realise that the cake might stale. That is the time for both partners to step back and re look at the sections of the cake that are beginning to turn bad and amend it, best done by attempting to remodel that section of the cake, or by simply cutting that small section off entirely. As time wears on, the cake might begin to look a little odd in physical shape due to the removal of certain stale sections, but still remains firm and ultimately, still standing.

In time to come, both partners might decide to eventually eat the cake. Starting with the top layer of the cake, which should now resemble a wedding cake in form, aesthetic appearance and quality, both partners may eventually choose to cut the cake with a shared knife, while ensuring that the cake does not topple. However, even at the moment whereby both partners decide to eat the cake, they must be mindful of that fact that this does not signify the ending of the building of the cake- but rather, that both partners must balance both eating into the cake and the continued building of the cake to ensure that the cake is never fully eaten.

Okay so here's one of those blog posts that aren't written when I'm dead emo, or basically am looking for somewhere to rant. 

I'm basically very thankful that whatever problems I mentioned in the earlier post has been settled. My concerns and fears were voiced, and truth be told I wasn't the only one feeling that way. In fact, a more accurate depiction of my feelings would be somewhere along the lines of intense relief and a warm, contented feeling of security. The sort of feeling that you get when you wrap yourself up in a thick, woollen towel in an air conditioned room with a cup of milo ( no hot chocolate here, let's be Singaporean) or Teh Ping with an interesting novel at hand. 

It's kind of strange though. I've never done something like that before and it was a whole new experience, though necessary, no doubt, to ensure things run smoothly. But for once it was the relief of eventually being able to speak your mind without fearing heavy repercussions, and to iron out any complications. That, I'm most thankful for. 

And I'm thankful for the effort made at trying to ice the cake as well. I mean, having a cake with no icing will taste good but will always look more aesthetically pleasing, as well as taste better, if there was icing on the cake too. I say that with some certainty because, well, the cake has been already baked. Just waiting for the right time for it to be eaten. 

I just hope I didn't sound too contrived though. Because I stick by my words and hold true to every lexical choice ( oh God ELL) I made. And it's odd but well, I kinda miss you. It's going to be a rather lonely week. 

I shouldn't have asked a question I didn't want an answer to.

Now I'm dead scared. Of having to go through hell again if anything. 

I can't afford to lose it. I don't even want to think about losing it. 

I know it's a practical way of thinking but that hurt. 

Time to stop fearing this in silence. Voice your thoughts. Clear the air ( or has it already been cleared? )

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be at the same level. 

I wish I didn't miss you so much.

I need to be stronger. Seriously.  Coming 18 years of your screaming, and I still snapped last night, worse still, while on the phone because of some stupid reason. Well at least my friend saw the truth there. No hiding and pretending for that moment.

Please. You can confiscate my laptop if you want, but not my phone. It's the only thing left that's keeping me sane, and if it really boils down to you eventually confiscating my laptop, at least let me keep my phone. It's the only cause for a smile these days. Not so much the phone, but rather, the emotions, words and thoughts that the phone can convey. That's what's keeping me sane. That's what's keeping me happy.

Although as far as I know, you won't do something like that. Not that drastic. Because well, thanks for understanding. 

I could really do with a hug right now. The kind of tight hug that fills your entire frame of vision such that you can't see anything else. The kind of hug that's strong enough to give support, the kind of hug that's comforting enough to build a sense of security, like a well-fortified stronghold. The kind of hug you'd want to stay in forever, because that's where you feel the most comfort, and where you feel the safest.

Descriptions of hugs aside ( yes, maybe I got carried away imagining it), today began well. It was bright and cloudy and the kind of day you'd want to spend under the blankets asleep. But to spare you the agony of reading through the long list of adjectives I can possibly list down to describe today, I shall sum it up in one word- confusing. I don't know what triggered off the long series of events but I ended up in another row with my mum about my results. Okay perhaps truth be told I was tired and therefore cranky as hell and perhaps my words were a little too harsh. But please mum, spare me your opinions about my results especially when it's been said and done not for the first time. I've seen, heard, and even felt the wrath of not producing the required results. And that, in itself would be the worst punishment I could have warranted.

On another side note, I've been slightly addicted to Voltaire's quotes on freedom of thought and expression. My favourite- ' I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. '