There's been a lot of problems recently. And some of them will be terribly hard to solve, but I'll try, anyway.

Everyone who's had a friend (which is virtually everyone unless you're a mountain hermit) knows that the one thing you don't do is to bitch about that friend behind his/her back, no matter how bitter you are. For an 18 year old, that is terribly immature behaviour. You choose to pretend to act covert, going behind our backs to bitch about us quietly, thinking you're doing an amazing job of doing so- but you are in fact, doing the ultimate disservice to yourself. Think about it; you bitch to friend A about friend B, then bitch about friend B to friend A, then create a Whatsapp group to bitch about friend C to friend A and B, then bitch to friend C about friend A and B. Multiply that by friends A to literally Z, and there you have it, the complicated scenario for which you so beautifully constructed for yourself.

The thing is, it's immature. I haven't dealt with such an issue since I was in P6. Back then, had I been the one you were bitching about, I would have cried and thought of what I could have possibly done wrong. But now? Yes, the situation is still the same- I AM the one you're bitching about, but in my case, what wrong have I done? None, and I have perfectly clear about it. My conscience is clear, and I know I have done nothing wrong.

Somehow or other, you choose to find wrong in something that had absolutely no bad intentions. Yes, I've changed, and you chose to perceive it as a bad thing. Oh no, you said at first, he's turning me into a bad person, that now I am becoming all angry and annoyed with the world. Thankfully though, I never believed a word of it because as far as everyone else is concerned, the new me is headstrong and finally able to stand up for my own rights. You hate that, don't you? You hate the fact that I'm not as naive as I possibly once was, allowing you to.... let's not go there. But if you're reading it, yes, you should know what you've done. One day, I decided that enough was enough. Telling you a couple of times in the past wasn't enough, and I'm attached now, to someone whom I can foresee spending my life with. So, I physically stopped it. I pushed you away whenever you tried to come to me (physically), because guys should know their limits when interacting with female friends. Why did I allow it in the past, then? Because I was naive, and I believed that you were doing it to everyone, not just me. Turns out that more than just a handful of people had realised that it was especially prominent with me, while the rest were merely just diluted versions.

I know why, and I shall not mention it here. I will merely state that that was what seemed to have caused the entire situation to snowball- because you were so bitter about the situation, about you not being able to get something you wanted and having to learn the art of giving up sometimes, that you chose to let that bitterness manifest. That's when the bitching started. You are, or should I say, were, my close friend, and as a result of that, you know all my secrets. You knew his secrets too, because he was a good friend of yours as well before this entire fiasco began, and guessed what? You did just what a boy would do- a boy, I say, because men don't behave like that- you used my secrets against us, as weapons of attack against the 2 of us with an intention of... what? No one can figure out, but a negative one nevertheless, because of all the hostility you're building- not within us, but against yourself. It's you against us, as you so aptly put it when I sat down to speak with you one day because speaking and talking things out is a much more mature way to handle situations. (speaking of sitting down and talking it out with you, both my friend and I who were present have noticed that you hid things from us, even as I was trying to be absolutely transparent with you so as to clear up the matter- if you cannot cooperate, it is no fault of ours, we have tried.) "I won't ever judge you," you said. " Oh gosh, I can't believe she..." you say now. And "Hypocrite," you now call me. "It's alright, "you said in the past, to his drinking habit back then. "Dumbass," you say now, on the very same topic of his drinking habit. How... strangely paradoxical. As always, classic examples of the 'pot calling the kettle black' always existed in this world. So does blatant lying, deceit and virulence, for which you so  conscientiously stated, "I swear I never called him/her that!" 

Returning back to the point, you used my secrets and his secrets against us, with the seeming intention of tearing us apart, of wiggling your way through both of us to have your way. (I say seeming because this, please prove me wrong, I most certainly hope you aren't THAT immoral and vile yet.) However, this has not done anything but make us stronger as a pair, and has in fact taught us to be mature individuals who know how to tackle a problem with it arises, and not the person. We're not children, and we do hope to see a future together, so starting an issue with the 2 of us isn't in fact going to rip us apart, but in fact will, and has already, made us a stronger and more independent pair.

This, plus details which I have obviously chose to leave out here because this is going online, is creating a situation that isn't tearing our group apart- merely tearing you away from us. To be honest, the entire group isn't pleased with your actions, especially where the bitching is concerned, because which kind of friend bitches and backstabs? A fake friend that is. I may have more reason to be unhappy, but I'm choosing not to be because it's the one issue you have to fix first- bitching. I hope you understand that such actions are not how 18 year olds behave.

Random musings

It's strange how life throws us unexpected obstacles, for which we either develop from, or fall back from in despair. It's even stranger when sometimes, these obstacles are what we have to accept depending on the choices that we make.

4 months ago, I made a decision. I knew full well the implications of my decision, but I chose to go ahead with it nevertheless. 4months later, it's taught me certain things I never thought I would have learnt. How some things can be so close to your heart despite you never actually experiencing it yourself.

I'm talking about the life as an army girlfriend here.

Honestly though, it's a surprise how quickly I adapt to such things when the need arises. I never thought I'd one day be the one who'd have to understand and accept the situation that once seemed so alien to me.

And with learning to accept these circumstances, there will be changes that I thought wouldn't have been so hard to adapt to, but for which are difficult. Suddenly, every single text counts. Every call consists of no more than 5 seconds of silence. And there's no time for petty, small issues. In short, both sides became a tad more independent- all within a span of 5 days. It's strangely surprising. I remember how I spent my first day sitting at home alone and tearing up each time I thought about how my life and his life would change in the next 2 years. Yes, it's only been 5 days, but how much have changed during this duration.

For one thing, I've come to accept the situation, as difficult as I thought it would have been to make the transition. Accepting that there will be reduced contact may be just one thing, but appears to be the most crucial thing when making that transition. From more than 50 texts a day to 5, the initial stage was bitter and painful. Yes it was heartwrenching, but honestly, it's surprising how much the human mind can accept when there's no other choice other than to live it through. I can't demand that he call me 5 times a day, and neither can I expect calls late into the night that last over 2 hours. I can't. It's simply not possible. And despite it being a painful realisation (even as I was mentally prepared for the challenges) it's strange how within a span of a few days I've proven to myself just how much I'm willing to undergo for the sake of this relationship.

I hear him tell me about the life within the army camp, and truthfully, from the perspective of someone who's not living the regimented life itself, I can say that it's difficult to imagine. It's difficult to imagine the effort needed in ensuring his rifle is cleaned, his boots are Kiwi-ed, his pillow cases and blankets are arranged in the exact same order as all his bunkmates, even his toothbrush that must be hung in the same way as everyone else.

It's difficult to imagine the confusion and turmoil they face when they are suddenly shunted into a routine where literally everything is planned out for them and where they are taught to obey instructions like puppets, when they were normal civilians just a few hours before, able to make the decision as to whether they should get up at 6am or 10am, decide if they want maggi mee or prata for breakfast, or have a choice as to what they want to wear for the day.

It's difficult to imagine the pain he faces when he has to leave his family members, his girlfriend, and the comfort of his own room to serve the nation.

I hear him tell me about how the NS is the greatest test of a relationship, and how by the first day, so many of his bunk mates are already facing the strain of the relationship. I hear him tell me how his buddy was alone by the drain and looking extremely sian because he was already facing relationship problems. And it hurts to hear things like this, because she, and many other girls including myself, will not understand the pain of having to worry about his girlfriend while he is forced to leopard crawl, crab walk, and shout, "contacted!" with this additional worry on his mind. Sometimes we might end up being an unintentional burden to him- something I will never want to put him through.

It's only been 5 days, and yes we have a long way to go. In time to come, there will be deployments overseas for 2 to 3 months. But I think that the least we can do, as outsiders to the army life, is to understand. Understand his plight the best we can, even if we can't experience it ourselves. Let him talk about his life as a 'chao recruit' and be there for him in spirit, letting him know that we will support him no matter what, such that he knows that even after being shouted at by his sergeant he will still have you to lean on, as someone whom he knows will bring him comfort even at his lowest. And perhaps, not whine when he can't text or call you often because the lack of contact is never your man's fault, because the one thing that he wants to do is to be able to call you or text you whenever it is possible- you are a form of catharsis, and perhaps his only source of relief.

I will end off by saying, again, that yes, you might scoff at this, thinking that it's only been 5 days since he enlisted. But these 5 days, in fact, the days immediately after he enlists will be the most crucial days because in those days I've learnt more about my situation than I will learn in the 2 years. True, there will be other issues that may appear in the future, but as it is, I'm happy that the most pertinent issues have already been spotted, and for which I have already adapted to.

"...there's a decent chance...but 1SIR is usually spared (going overseas for 1 year)."

The thought frightens me like hell. The possibly scares me. Yes the though suddenly struck me but It frightens me so badly I don't even know what to do or say anymore. I don't even know how I could cope if something like that actually does happen.

I don't even know why there's so much difficulty. How much more tests do we have to go through? God, please don't make us go through this. How many more hurdles do You want us to undergo? Please... Just.. Spare us this one.

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The calm after a storm.

1st day. 

And I already feel empty. Like a sick, empty sensation that strikes at the base of the stomach which winds its way up to the throat. 

This is vaguely nostalgic because I remember feeling the same form of 'You-need-to-be-strong-now' mentality when I first broke up. The sickening form of sadness that gives that terribly empty feeling. Thing is, this time, it's not the same case. Obviously. He's just gone in, and he wants to see you as much as you do. There's nothing about a broken heart, and there's nothing about a loss of love. In fact, if anything, love is something that's becoming more and more strongly rekindled as we treasure the time we have with each other more. 

It's a stark contrast, a jarring, painful one because after all those days of seeing each other, suddenly he's taken away from me. At least I can say that I'm adapting quickly to this new change. Yes, I cried my eyes out last night (and a little of today) fearing the worst- that he'd have platoon mates that would hate him, that he wouldn't be able to fit in and worse still, that he will get injured. But perhaps the one thing that hurt me most was not being able to talk to him as and when I wished (as selfish as it sounds.) 

I haven't felt something like that in such a long time. Or actually, I've never felt something like that before even, because this time, the feeling of care is so much deeper and so much stronger. Which is also perhaps the reason why I'm also adapting as fast as I can. Because this time round, I want it to last. I want us both to grow out of it strong and caring for each other even more. I want to be able to live life knowing that he'd never give me up.

In fact, it's his constant reassurance on that last point that makes me feel safe. For the first time ever, I don't have to worry if feelings will fade, and I won't have to worry he'd be tired and sick of me. I know that's never going to happen. And it's with all this encouragement and reassurance, there's nothing left to fear. I've lived by myself before, and honestly, this period of BMT will be help me to grow into a stronger, more independent person. 

It's taught me to value our relationship more too. Any text or call is a valuable thing to me for which I treasure so greatly. It's the one thing that can surely brighten my day. In fact, through the text and the call, I've been greatly reassured as well. The camp is alright, the bunks are fine too, and most importantly, his buddy and his platoon mates are good people whom I will trust(though I've never met them) to not give him a hard time. Today's but the 1st day, and they say it will be 'hell' the next few days, but well, one thing I'm happy for is that he wouldn't be left out. 

There were so many issues and problems we ironed out before going in, and it's comforting that we can talk it out. Even through this period, my promise to you is, if you're reading this, that I will always talk things out with you no matter what. I will never keep things from you, and I will never leave an argument unsolved. Mentally and physically, I will take care of myself, and I want you to do the same. 

Thanks for always being stoic, and well, I know that I needn't have to worry for you as a result.

2 more weeks. Let's do this, and let's live this through together. 

Tomorrow. 

Does that word frighten me? You bet it does. But I don't have a choice. Accept it. 

Tomorrow, he's going to walk through those gates and start a whole new chapter of his life as a NS man. 

Tomorrow, he's going to cease being a civilian becoming a member of the SAF, and I'll have to adapt to this new schedule. 

Tomorrow, he's not going to have much time to text me, call me, tweet, blog or facebook anymore. 

For you. 

I don't have to say much here. Most of which have been already said, because thank goodness I can speak to you easily without fearing that you'd get upset at me. Also, the letters which I've written will be just about the best things I can offer you while you're in there, and that hopefully these will sustain you till I next see you again, when you'll probably get a whole lot more letters, heh. Thanks for always being my bastion and my best friend, really. 

I promise I'll be okay. Please be okay for me too, alright? :)

Tata for now then, and see you soon:)

"Even if you find someone else better, will you please not let me go?"

What if you did? Will you leave me too? Will you walk away?  

I want to be perfect for you.
But I doubt I'd ever be

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Is it me or am I becoming less knowledgeable nowadays?

The hell is wrong with me or have I been simply immersing myself in studies too much I'm starting to forget the outside world. I can't remember my entire vocabulary of words I've forced myself so hard to remember since I was in primary school, and I'm starting to wonder if I'm indeed shrinking knowledge- wise.
I don't have time to read books, I don't have time to do PT or do anything I like. Simply put, I don't have a life.

And I hate it when I don't know what someone is talking about, dislike how I sometimes have to pretend to understand what's going on so as to mask the fact that I don't have a clue. At all.

But that's the way with all A level students I guess.

I'm tired.

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I'm better than her. I tell myself that a million times a day in the hope of eventually being able to believe what I say and perhaps I'm finally beginning to live my own words. 

"I'm better than her."

You've said it yourself, which is perhaps by far the greatest source of comfort I could have asked for. It doesn't matter to me how other people viewed your past, because I've heard everything from her being a 'great girl' to your past relationship 'blossoming'. It doesn't matter because what others hear isn't always the truth because all they see of a relationship is the superficial outer exterior. What matters most is what you tell me, that I'm better than her no matter what, a 'thousand times better' and that I mean a 'thousand times more'. That your past was 'forced' and that what you did in the relationship was done not naturally, but because you were 'supposed' to do it, which of course implies it's a terribly Lucy-Cecil relationship, whereby everything is planned and where nothing is spontaneous. 

Bottom line is? I'm glad you told me I'm better than her. It's the only source of comfort I have.

This may sound terribly narcissistic, but the truth is, I'm only doing this because convincing myself that I'm the best for you is the only way I can look back at whatever you've told me about her in the past and go, "I'm better than that." 

And why I say I'm starting to believe my words that I am indeed better than her is because of everything that's been done and been said to me so far. From what I heard and based on that alone, I think it's ridiculous to dump someone just because you favour a more 'manly' person. You get into a relationship knowing full well the implications of a long-term commitment (unless of course, you weren't even looking for a long term commitment) and knowing the person for his/her flaws completely. You decided against doing such a thing, decided to change and dump a perfectly good person leaving him in a wreck. I mean, where's the morality in that? As and when you decide change is needed you do so, leaving wreckage in your wake- wreckage that sometimes isn't cleared easily (you were lucky.) Looking back now, I'm glad you didn't try to take the relationship further because doing so would have harmed him. Perhaps that's the reason why I'm so indignant- the harm you inflicted upon him through immature ways.

And again, as narcissistic as this may sound, I'm glad I'm not that kind of person. And again, that's why I say I'm better than her. 

I've never been so certain for once in my life. And well, this is neither meant to be cocky nor, as I've been saying, narcissistic. It's meant as a form of self-encouragement.