I want to write something here but it's just too complicated to explain and describe.
All I know is that sometimes I don't think I did anything to deserve this. To be emotionally disregarded for 19 years of my life. Sometimes I feel like I've lived with it long enough because it's bad enough that there's no escape route for me now. I can't do anything, and though I'm 19, there's no saying when I'll eventually leave this mess.

I used to think it was normal- now I don't because the more I'm subjected to it, the more ridiculous I think it is. No one treats their daughter like that. No one would subject their daughter to emotional abuse like that either- and I'm serious because I'd much rather have taken physical abuse than emotional ones. And I've been taught to believe that I'm lucky because rarely has anyone inflicted physical abuse on me. But now that I think about it, I'd much rather have it physical because the effects are far mor short-lived.

Something is wrong and I know it. It been too long. I need to stop it affecting me someway or other.

Heartspeaks

As far as I remember, I've never done so much to keep something before.
I've crossed limits, fought obstacles and strained myself to the limit to keep this. I've fought everyone from my friends to my family for this.

Yet all I get at least once a week is pain and swollen eyes. Sometimes I don't know what happened and what changed that caused this massive upheaval. It didn't use to be like that. It used to be much happier and less heartache.
Sometimes i feel shortchanged. Like the relationship I expected and hoped for isn't what it is anymore. It's becoming a diluted version of what used to make me happy and excited each time I knew I could see him after school and all. I know it can't all be his fault, but sometimes it annoyed me how he didn't inform me of all his family commitments and all that earlier, and only try to add them in later after I've started to get used to having our relationship without that much of it.
Yet I know it can't all be his fault because maybe I've become complacent too. Things I knew were once a luxury are now a need, like him spending time with me every weekend. I still remember how he struggled to have more time with me in the beginning of our r/s before he enlisted- now it's as if he's no longer trying as hard. It made me happy that he was trying to spend time with me. Now Its something I feel is becoming a thing of the past.
I don't know what the issue is anymore. Maybe it's all my fault that I've become complacent. That despite all the things I've given up for him- friends( I mean, the were fake friends anyway, right?) and approval from my family( because I've never had a perfect relationship with all my family members to begin with anyway ya?) it's still not enough. I need to push and force myself to give up more, and at the same time pressure myself into accept the present, no matter how much I miss the past. I need to make sure that I'm better than his ex in every possible way.
I don't know if that's enough, but I certainly hope so.
God, please don't forsake me. Not now. I'm praying that this will be a long term thing because I actually hope that it'll work out.