6th August: Last day with FP Finance

6th August 2014 : The day I ended my work at Fairprice Finance with the AR department.

Spending the last 3 whole months working here amongst the sweetest people I could ever meet in an office, and have them patiently teach me the ropes while I clumsily tried to introduce math back into my life (damn you, English major) proved to be one of the most valuable lessons I've ever picked up in my life. Since this was my second time working here with Fairprice ( I worked here last year, but under a different department, Sales department I think), I still remember how, on the first day I stepped into the office this year, Joan (AKA Big sister) remarked that I looked extremely tired and sad. And that's kind of true, because I remember that sinking feeling of disappointment when I realised that our department had no other temp staff. In fact, I went so far as to think of quitting within the first 2 weeks because the nostalgia was overpowering. Back then, I was still struggling with the nostalgia of Zul and Nigel last year, when I actually had temp staff whom I could kinda (?) get along with. Add that to the horror of realising that most, wait no, everyone in my department spoke Chinese, I thought I was a goner (Again, damn you English major). At least, where making friends were concerned. I braced myself for a rough 3 months.

But I guess that if I could take these photo at the end of my 3 months, you'd have probably guessed that things took a turn for the better.

The semi-complete AR department, minus Xiufeng who was on MC :(

AR department minus Zibin and Xiufeng

The temp staff in 3 (no, not 50) shades of grey. Minus Jun Hao, whom isn't here because he was in reservist.

My supervisor Zibin and I. Yes, our matching grey jackets again.

2 weeks into working there and I finally, finally started to open up. And I never looked back since. Despite the language barrier, I managed to pick up some Chinese (omgosh right) and could communicate with them in simple, english-slanged Chinese, which till this day they can't stop teasing me about. They turned out to be a bunch of such fun-loving people, and they even opened up to me too, being privy to their woes and joys of working within the environment. Even those whom I thought I would never have a chance to talk to cordially eventually opened up to me as well, and I'm very thankful for that. Perhaps only now can I say that being a part of their jokes and teasing was the only reason why I pulled through this entire 3 months. (Cue Zibin's various somewhat derogatory nicknames oops :P ) But jokes aside, I honestly can't be more thankful to this small group of people. It turned out that having a small department worked to my advantage as well because I knew everyone personally. Because of this, 3 months suddenly appeared to pass by too quickly and before I knew it, I was ending. It was somewhat bittersweet, I guess, but having been only there for 3 months I can't say very much, except for the fact that its yet another phase of my life that's just passed. And that's what makes this ending sad, because after having been close to them, at the end of the day, I'm still a temp staff, and I still have to leave after an unbearably short time because Uni sememster's starting. A part of me knows that, realistically, its extremely difficult to do this seeing as we have no common topics. Still, I sometimes cling to the hope that we'd still talk, perhaps just an occasional hello, or a quick catchup. Afterall, they're my first experience working within an office (the kindergarten doens't count), and first experiences always make for the most memorable ones. 

I have one more opportunity to see them though, and that's for my farewell which was supposed to be last Friday but which got postponed, so.. I'm looking forward to that. 

In part, it was thanks to the temp staff who joined who eventually made my life there whole, because there was Daniel from last year whom rejoined the company, so finally I had a friend whom I knew before.

I guess all these factors eventually contributed to the fact that I enjoyed those 3 months. Work, while menial for me, was a form of catharsis, and hence it purged me from the stresses of school. Where I once couldn't fathom the idea of talking to Zibin, my last few weeks had me pestering him for help with registering for the Colour Run. The same went with the other perm staff, because I would have never dreamed of talking to them about my personal matters. but I eventually did. Perhaps you could say that I'm being overly grateful, but to be honest, there's nothing like the first time which teaches you the most. 

And so, to my manager, my team leader, and all the clerical officers, thank you. It's been great.

There is something extremely painful about leaving one phase of life for the next. Because that's when you realise the greatest issue with time is the fact that time is such an unfriendly, relentless entity. There are times like this when I wish that I could turn back the clock, to enjoy the catharsis that work gave me. But I can't, because its over, and when it's over it can't come back. Time doesn't permit it.
Yeah, you probably realised, by now, that I'm talking about work.Or rather, the fact that I'm no longer working.
It hurts, but perhaps what is more surprising is the fact that the hurt isn't a constant ache. I can be fine one moment, and the next, the nostalgia of the entire 3 months comes crashing forward like a bowling ball and it manifests itself as a physical pain that swims just behind my eyes. It leaves me gasping. Sometimes I even feel like breaking down. But I don't, because well, that's just plain stupid to do so. Life changes, and one moves through one phase of life to the next, why can't I?
I think it just boils down to the fact that I feel like I'm resistant to change. I've settled my roots in here, only to have to uproot them again and move.

In any case, I could just summarise and say that I miss them. I miss them all so much. I wish I wasn't so sentimental.

Sometimes, I forget. I forget and I think that I'm different, that I'm special from the others. But things like that sometimes... make me remember that no matter what, I don't play a special role. And that any attempt at feeling inflated is well, proving to be my greatest downfall.

I shan't say too much, but perhaps this sense of mixed regret/hurt/embarassment/sadness for something I had hoped would be true helps me to grasp reality, I guess. At the end of the day, that's who I am. Normal. Ordinary. Unsuspecting. Just like everyone else who's been before me and whom will come after me.

I can't deny that I'm hurt. That I'm crushed. But I'm thankful. I'm thankful for being able to understand that that's how the real world works. Thank you, Reality, for slamming me to the ground in the hardest, most painful way possible. Thank you, for allowing me to understand that my emotions were just one large daydream. That no matter how much the dirt of the ground aspires to be something more, that she's essentially just a replaceable individual.

I'm such a bloody idealist. Or wait, I don't even know if I did anything wrong. I don't know anything. Screw this shit la. I feel like just breaking apart sometimes thinking about this.

One day more. Please, just one more day.

Each time I come here, it's always a gamble as to how much emotion I can actually reveal. After all, this is public, and sometimes I worry that what I reveal may show others more than what I should. Often enough, what eventually ends up being posted is a fraction of what I originally wanted to say. But then again, isn't that how the online world works? You put something up, only hoping that nothing will in fact be used against you.

I'm going to take the leap here then, and hope that this gamble I'm taking will turn out right. For a start, I'm extremely relunctant to stop working. Honestly. Not because I love work so much, but more like, it's anything better than studying. For now. I know what everyone usually says about work, that once work begins, you will long for school. I don't deny that, because I will probably say the same once I've had 20 years or so of working experience up my sleeve, but that's an emotion I'm not feeling now. I like the catharsis the work environment provides, and it's something I don't get often.  My colleagues (the perm staff, mainly) at the workplace say I'm hyper, that I'm extremely sociable, and sometimes their words strike as ironic because that's exactly how I don't act in school. Ask anyone you know from my course and you'll see. I'm a very different person when semester begins.

Speaking of semester, that's something that I'm also dreading. This semester will bring forth a whole new method of conducting lessons, and that's through seminars. No more tutorials (like, what?! ). I'm not sure how 70 odd people in a class will help my shy self, especially since I tend to clam up (yeah, I know, public speaking training gone down the drain, supposedly) when there are large crowds, especially where everyone is scrutinising my opinion. Then again, perhaps not all of lit is like that, it just so happened that my course mates last sem were, well, rather competitive. I didn't like that much, because that gave me a whole load of stress. I fear how I'm going to cope, really.

I'm sort of living in a trance as it is. A very dream-scape setting, where I'm working and then all of a sudden, there's school. Sometimes I think the juxtaposition is too great, on other times I think it compliments, in all the oddest ways. Like the temp staff who work with me, for example. They're studying too, and they seem to flow easily between the working world and school. I'm still stumbling around trying to find my way. Maybe its because I tend to be overly resistant to change. Resistant to the thought of changing environments so quickly, growing close to a group of people then having to suddenly tear yourselves away from them for another different group, and all over again. Maybe that's the reason why I went back to work with NTUC to begin with, because I was resistant to the idea of finding another, unfamiliar working environment and having to start all over again. I was clinging to the thought of having just one familiar face at the workplace but it turns out that I made a whole bunch of new friends, friends that I *hope* remain. I really hope they do. If I could make a whole bunch of new friends, what's stopping me from shifting to another work environment? That's a question I'm still trying to answer. Perhaps it all comes back to the fact that, at the end of the day, I'm stumbling, while others are more sure-footed and have already found their way.

I guess to end off, here's a picture of the temp staff and I, taken on the last day I'd meet the guy on the far left, Jun Hao. I guess I'll miss them, but I'll probably not miss them as much as I'll miss the department I've been working with. Which is quite strange seeing as how I should, technically, be closer to people my age.

Temp staff of this year, 2014

And... one year ago, on my birthday where the temp staff who worked with NTUC then celebrated my birthday with me.

And this last photo is of my Team Leader and I this year, 2014. Probably the one I'm closest to in the entire department, but I can say the entire department is pretty nice to me on the whole (: 

My TL and I, on our birthdays this year (Yes we share the same birth date! )

And this concludes my post, hopefully I sounded a little happier towards the end. I tend to sound extremely sad in my posts but that's when I'm usually reflective so yeah.