Choices.

So, it's the woman's fault for being female. It's the woman's fault for working in a male dominated department. It's the woman's fault that the males must fall for her. The woman must be blamed for having the males fall for her even as she observes complete professionalism.

So much injustice indeed.

It isn't my fault, and I know that well and true. Call me opinionated if you so wish, but it's my form of quiet independence that no one can take from me. I definitely have the right to choose what, and with whom I request favours. I refuse to be shunted into doing something against my will and what I know is right. I have the choice.

But sometimes, my choices are tested. They're tested because I trust too easily, I trust too much, and again and again, I pay the price. My frustration at myself lies in my inability to learn from this betrayal. Friends have back stabbed me, betrayed me, hurt me and yet all I do is to forgive them repeatedly. Maybe I really am a forgiving person, but what if I'm forgiving those people out of pride for having trusted someone whom I shouldn't have? I've been grappling with this problem since time immemorial, but it's only recently that I'm starting to see how see how my independence, my choice and most of all, my trust in others are being tested.

In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have trusted so easily. Maybe I shouldn't have naively believed his words that he'd never use what I told him against me. Right from the start, I should have been wary. I should have done what instincts told me to do. For 2 months , I was tested, and for 2 months, I was hurt. And I did something few other girls would have done - nothing. I let it continue. Because I promised, I couldn't speak of these issues to anyone. I was confused, fearful and uncertain. I didn't know what I said would trigger another tirade of anger. I forgave and I hoped he'd change. Time and again, I'd see some positive change, only for it to regress. I don't even know if it was harassment. It could have been.
And I thought that when I left, things would end. But it didn't and it got worse. Today, I'm still scared and I'm still worried. I have no one to turn to and I can't even breathe a word. Not even to those who care, apart from chu, because I promised. Even when it's suffocating and I long to talk to someone about it. This bottling is killing me slowly.

I've rarely been so stressed, and I rarely feel like breaking down so badly. I wish I could do something, anything, that would resolve this, but because the problem doesn't lie with me, I can't do anything. I could have left, I could have just gone and completely cut ties altogether but I'm not mean enough to do that. Sometimes I feel my determination and ability to withstand all this nonsense is working to my disadvantage. I don't know.

It's not my fault though. And I know this for sure. It's not something I did or said wrong. The issue doesn't lie with me. Tonight was possibly the first time I fought back, and I fought back with a tenacity I never knew I had. I was just so frustrated, so angry, so annoyed with bottling everything up, so tired of putting on a front, so tired of all the petty shouting. Tonight, I think someone saw through my veneer. Tonight, someone saw my frustration. And it isn't my fault. Don't blame me. Don't control me. Don't demand my exclusive attention.
You have no right.
And the choices are mine to make. Even the choice of keeping you as a friend.

Work experience 2- NTUC

So yesterday was my last day of work with NTUC Fairprice Finance. It was also the last time I'd walk through those glassdoors, use the 'thank you' finger print machine and tap my trusty entry pass that's been giving me staff discounts at the office canteen. 

It was also the last time I'd see my colleagues within the work place. In a way, it was a soulful, sad parting, because after having learnt so much about each other, leaving the work place was harder than it should have been. I gave out a couple of chocolate bars to those who were closest to me- Zul, Nigel, Daniel, Big Sister Joan and Aunty Jennifer(my supervisor) with personalised notes attached. I wasn't expecting a flood of gifts to come back though- a slice of cheese cake (baked by Aunty Jennifer) and a lovely pen stylus (also from aunty), a box of Dove chocolate rolls from Zul, a bottle of M and Ms and 2 energy fruit bars from Nigel and 3 Hershey's kisses from Daniel. It was touching. 

I spent the rest of the day rushing through my work trying to finish as many vouchers as I could, before heading down for lunch for the last time with Nigel and Daniel. (Zul was fasting.) We headed back to the office and took some pictures with the rest of the office members, then worked till knock-off time. I guess that's where it really hit me- that I'd be seeing everything here for the last and final time. Daniel gave me a brotherly hug just before he left, then I headed down for dinner with Zul and Nigel at NEX. I desperately needed to hold back tears, for the better or worse. 

This whole work experience taught me a lot though. Apart from the fact that my math improved, I learnt how to converse well within a workplace and how to remain a cordial professionalism with my colleagues. No where else have I learnt how to control my feelings and my emotions- I've come close to snapping many a time but eventually pulled myself together. The discipline and all was something I got used to as well, eventually, because I had to adhere to the strict regimes and the need to maintain utmost efficiency. From counting, to stamping, to removing defected vouchers, to sorting supplier coupons, to rushing UStretch vouchers- everything.

I wouldn't have been able to accomplish all these without the help of my colleagues though. To Zul, I say, thank you for those little jokes we share at the workplace, those little gifts of food when you know I need them, and thanks for usually being a cheerful, happy person. To Nigel, thanks for being who you are, for always having that ready smile, for always thinking of my needs and for being a close friend of mine. To Daniel, thanks for always being friendly and for being the only person I can relate any JC stuff with, as well as for those times you've cheered me up with your positive attitude. Thanks to all 3 of you, for teasing me in jest for being an 'alien', for not judging me, and for allowing me to be who I am. You all have impacted me in ways I cannot imagine.

Finally, to my supervisor, thank you for always being so utterly patient with me, for my lack of proficiency with Excel, for my little slip-ups and for always being so cheerful. I couldn't have asked for a better supervisor, and your help has indeed gone a long way. It has also been much appreciated. 

Thus ends another phase of my life at work. First PCF Sengkang West, now this. That's 2 phases of work life I've had as I begin my final preparations for Uni life (which will be vastly different from this I daresay). In short, thank you NTUC Fairprice, for all you've done for me. It's been a very fulfilling and eye-opening journey with you. To my friends, I love you all. Let's stay in touch.

Today's the 15th of July, a Monday. I handed in my resignation form today.
And as of today, I have exactly 4 more days and 1 hour or so left before I end yet another phase of my life at NTUC Fairprice Finance.

I think I blogged about it before, but I'm going to say it again - the feeling is.. Overwhelmingly sad. And my mood fluctuates so drastically at work because of this; I want to end this mundane job, yet I can't bear to leave all the people behind...

At the same time, however, there are periods of time I felt the pressure to just drop everything and leave. I knew there were times I hated everything - the pain, the anger, the hurt, the injustice. Everything. Pressure nearly forced me to quickly earlier than expected, especially since I couldn't do anything about this pressure. I couldn't resist it, neither could I fight it headlong. It was trouble in every form of the word, and yet I pulled through it, somehow.

I'm going to miss everyone, I know. And ironically, it's not a case of 'despite the pain and hurt', but rather, 'because of the pain and hurt', I'd miss them more than usual.

Especially since we're all going to begin new phases of our lives.