They say, don't ever compare to the past, instead, look ahead, because that's where your future lies.
I say, if you don't look back at the past, how would you know what changes to make to the future such that the future becomes better? Or perhaps, how would you know you're better off now?

I've written about it before, but I can't help thinking that the huge irony my whole life has been thus far hasn't been a waste. It was a good learning experience back then, and yes, I'll admit that I had fun while learning it. And that had I not learnt it, perhaps I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Simply put, it took me long enough to find the correct person, the one person who's interconnected with my past just sufficient for me to see how different 2 friends may be.
I used to think he was like Nic, but my perspectives have changed so drastically over these 2 years.

As this year comes to an end, all I can say is, thanks for the memories. And thanks to all those who've made an impact in some way or other, especially to those who were in my life for just that short period of time to let me learn something about myself.

Either way, I'm ending this year on a good note, and a happier one at that. Let's hope it stays this way for as possible.

I actually do believe that a relationship needs space to grow.
So its perfect to lead a life outside your relationship.
I've always believed that.
And I've always strives to maintain a good balance between a relationship and my outside life.
I guess there's no need to tell me that I need to maintain the relationship by having a good balance.
Because I already have it, and I already believe in it-more than others, sometimes.
Sorry for sounding terribly annoyed, but yeah, I hate it when others try to tell me, or to teach me something I obviously already know.
Hopefully you know and believe that too, actually.

Note: I'm glad to be the first person you've loved, anyhow.

The most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen before.
Ventura Beach, USA, facing the Pacific ocean.
2 weeks in US passed by far too quickly. I still miss that place more than anything else.
But I guess there's no time to visit any of this again
Hopefully after Uni I'll have months to travel around the world with my uni friends :) the 'grand tour.

On another happier note, I got possibly the best Christmas gift ever from my cousin. My very own ukulele! :)

Frustration sets in when one cannot reconcile jealousy/envy and pride for another.
That's me in a nutshell, sometimes. No, make that most of the time.
If I were to select the one greatest sin of mine it'd be jealousy.
Especially towards you. I don't understand myself sometimes, but I'm proud of you when you do something great, achieve something, or when others comment that you're intelligent.

I'm proud of you when you know how to read famous novels and classics, yet I'm envious(?) for being unable to have that same love you have, that love that makes you seem oh-sooooo-smart to others. I don't know, but it seems, and I mean seems, that you genuinely enjoy classics and those of that particular genre that make you seem erudite. Because that's something I'm not sure I can feel. Maybe I'm just reading those classics and all because I want to feel on par with you. Maybe it's because I want to be on par with the rest- I don't know. Because if you feel this innate genuine love for such things, well, I'm quite different from you- and glad to be.

I'm envious when others say you're inwardly smart, but at the same time, I'm proud to be with someone who's well thought of. I speak well of you when people praise you, and inwardly there's this sense of subtle pride, yet I can't help wondering if others thought the same, if others think I'm smart/clever enough for you. (but as you like to put it, it's vice versa, but I don't think so)

I'm Nakata. Except that I didn't suffer an unknown incident and neither can I talk to cats. Or am I? I don't even know myself.
This is tiring.

Here's a little warning to whoever is reading this. Don't read this unless you want your mood ruined. I don't usually post vulgarities, but this time- I can't help it. Sorry.

to begin, I don't usually post these kind of things, and I don't want to defame anyone, but seriously, just let me get this off my back.

I don't know how you put up with this, but it's been more than 18 years. 18 bloody years. I'm only saying 18 years because it's the number of years I've been living in this... place. This house. And this isn't about me. It's about you. You deserve a medal for putting up with such nonsense for years. The first time I saw it, I thought, if I ever dated a guy like that, I'd drop him quicker than I'd drop a sack of hot cakes.

Now I'm used to all that crap. You don't deserve this at all. You don't deserve to have someone bully the fuck out of you as and when he feels like it. It's driven you up the wall- I can see that- and I don't understand why you put up with all that fucking nonsense. It's not your duty, and it's NOT your job to take all that in. Yes, I was once in an abusive relationship so I know how hard it is to give up but sometimes things just don't work out. Then again, like I said, it's already been ongoing for years and years, and this isn't some teenage romance we're talking about. So I guess that's as far as my advice can go then. I can't say more.

He's gone too far, and he's pushed the line far too many times. I would have said just leave, JUST LEAVE, but I know you won't because of me. If only I had a sibling maybe things would have been easier for you. Just a little easier. I hate to see you like this, treated like this, spoken to in this manner. You deserve respect, and you're not getting it.

The day I get married, I'm taking you with me. I want you to live to see the day I walk down the aisle. I want to take you away from this shithole so that you'll get the respect you deserve. Maybe you'll feel better then.
Fuck him. 

I reread some of our old conversations today on MSN. Back when we were still friends in math class and when you started having a thing for me.

Tonight, for some reason, I reread some of our old conversations we had on MSN. Back then when we were still friends in Math Class and when you started having a thing for me. I read about how you'd skip Scouts for her, wait till 10pm at night just to see her, how she used to make you feel so happy by just being there for you, how you took 6 months to get over her, how miserable you were without her. And that old jealous feeling crops up again. Would you do the same for me? I know it's effed up to be thinking about this, but I can't help but think how you'd react if I were to someday (note I said WERE) leave you. I think about whether or not you'll be sad, whether or not you'll cry if I left you. Whether your reaction will be more adverse, seeing as I mean more to you, and how much more averse. Because I don't want you to have the same reaction as you did with her.

Then I remember.

Skip Scouts? I know you'd do the same. In fact you've already done that. But I don't want you to skip Scouts for me, because I want you to enjoy that part of your life too. But it's sweet that you did, and honestly? I appreciate it.

Cry if I left? I probably wouldn't even have to go that far. You already did when you couldn't see me for 2 weeks. What more if I left?

Wait till 10pm for me ( at the expense of your studies back then)? Yeah, I know you would. Not that there's an opportunity to do so now, seeing as you're in NS, but I know you would had there been an opportunity, anyway. Probably more than a couple of hours, even. Maybe days. Or even years, just to see me.

You once told me you'd even die for me. That's something new to me. No one's bothered to care for me to such a great extent before, and it's touching. How I'm naturally just your type, how you can be natural and all around me instead of putting on a show like you used to, how I'm naturally good with all animal , how I'm the only one who loves the outdoors and can put up with the hectic army life...Yeah.

I'm probably sounding like a jealous lover or something, but I'm probably just pms-ing. Plus jet lag's causing me to lose sleep too. Yes, sometimes I get insecure. Then I look back and I remember that there's nothing to be insecure about. Sometimes doing these things is good because it keeps me in check, and makes sure I don't become complacent.

I'm better, I know that. I know.

Star-Spangled Banner

So I'm back from the US. Touched down at 4am this morning.
It's hot, humid, sticky and rainy, but one thing I know- it's safe.
The past 2 weeks I've been in the US have been great, because, as a tourist, you always get to see the glittery, glamorous side of the country. But while I've been there a couple of incidents occurred as well, which made me realise that things aren't so always as shiny as they first appear to be.

First there was a shooting event that occurred in Las Vegas while I was there, and another one in our hotel (according to our tour guide, that is). Then shortly after, there was the major Connecticut shooting event. My condolences go out to all the children who lost their lives at a tender age of 6 and 7, as well as the adults who were killed as well. And yes, I know that Connecticut is in the Eastern side of USA but being in US itself made me realise that a country that's liberal has it's disadvantages as well. On my part I was disturbed at how close I had been to a shooting event and how real it seemed to me back then, because that's not something you'd regularly fear living in Singapore.

On a more positive note, the last 2 weeks have been nothing short of amazing. I guess it's the usual sort of feeling you get when travelling- the constant rush of excitement. There's San Francisco, and getting to see the world's most crooked street (Lombard Street), Fisherman's Wharf, where we took a cruise and saw the famous Golden Gate Bridge and the maximum security prison Alcatraz, Then we headed down to Las Vegas aka Sin City where the whole culture and atmosphere changed, especially along Fremont Street, where loud music, strip clubs ( I saw one named Precious Sluts) and alcohol were abundant and it was certainly an experience- Not forgetting the numerous casinos that rule LV too ( I was eating at this Mexican Grill named Baja Fresh and watching as people tried their luck on Jackpot machines, the Blackjack and the Poker tables) as well.

We left Nevada for a while and headed to Arizona for the Grand Canyon (I personally say it's the highlight of the entire trip), where I got to ride a helicopter, row a boat down the river and climb over all those limestone and sandstone landforms with Alethea, a friend I made on the trip. I can still recall the salty scent of the river water, the cold breeze that blew, lunch cooked by the natives.. It was a good experience. Our last stop was Los Angeles and Hollywood, which always had famous stars ( I hoped to see Ellen, but yeah, luck's never that good for me, huh). Then there was Beverly Hills which sold high end branded products for the rich, as well as Disneyland, California Adventure Park and Universal Studios which also bring fond memories. I cannot for my life understand how I had the guts to ride Space Mountain, ( well Alethea and this little girl named Valerie dragged me to sit it with them) and all the other rides for which I would usually be afraid of. I don't like rollercoasters, but I guess you could say that Space Mountain, as well as the dizziness and loss of appetite that came with it was an experience as well.

Other than that,, there was shopping. Loads and loads of it, especially of brands such as Kate Spade, Coach, etc. I didn't buy any high end products, because I was looking forward to the factory outlets having middle range products instead, and there were few, sadly. (Although I did pick up a couple of things from Nautica, Levi's, Calvin Klein and Nike)

I guess that pretty much sums up the entire 2 weeks. I could go on and on about the experiences I gained, but no one's going to bother reading it, so here's a summarised version. I miss the food, however fattening, the climate, the people ( American people are usually polite) and all the friends I've made. Then again, one thing I can put behind is the unstable wifi, for which caused me to only call back twice to Chu and whatsapp on a couple of days. I miss everything, both the good and the bad, but as always, all things (both good And bad) must come to an end. And I miss Chu the most of all. He's the reason why, despite missing America so badly, I still look forward to coming back to Singapore.

On a final note, I heard my parents are planning the next trip already. To Alaska, this time, possibly. We'll see.

Leaving for US tomorrow morning.
I'm leaving with mixed feelings, really. I know I'll have a good time. US is the one place I've always wanted to go since.. time immemorial? Yeah. I wanted it, and now I've got it. Plus a stopover in Seoul means that I kind of get to see Korea as well. Then there's San Jose, Ventura Beach, Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon, Disneyland and Universal Studios (again). I'm thankful for all these, really, because I know it's a luxury and a privilege to be able to travel.

And I would usually be extremely excited if not for just one thing.

Chu.

I've probably mentioned this already, but I miss that boy. (I'm sorry, it's going to be a little mushy from here on down. ) I hate the fact that I'm leaving on a Friday, which means that just as he books out on Saturday, I'll be up in the air and heading west. That also means a 16 hour flight and a 16 hour time difference. And with Chu being in NS, well, the likelihood of us being able to call is close to almost none. Plus the charges are crazy, which means I'm not going to hear his voice for 2 weeks, or 3 weekends. Midway through my trip he'll be leaving for Tekong as well for his field camp, which means that that's absolutely no contact. It saddens me, somehow, because I miss the fact that I'll be able to hear his voice each night as I get ready for bed.

Despite all this, I know we'll survive. We survived confinement, and we'll survive this. If our relationship is meant to be, we'll survive it, somehow, because if it doesn't even survive this, then well, I guess we weren't meant to be together in the first place. Negative thoughts aside, if both parties put their effort into it, then it'll work out, despite the absences. And effort wise, I know both of us put in our very best, so there's no reason to worry. I don't want it to be a case of just ' oh, if God doesn't think we'll make it, then sua, whatever', but more a case of 'I'll put in my effort and he will too so that God sees we're worthwhile.'

And for you, well, I'm just going to say, take care, and I'll see you again soon. Survive Tekong, and come out stronger (mentally) such that we'll know that we can weather any other obstacle in the future. I miss you already, but its just another 17 days, and we'll be okay::) Love you:)