The washing machine.

Each time I speak with you, I come out like a shirt fresh from the washing machine- wrecked, twisted and crumpled. Thing is, I don't exactly know how's its humanely possible for someone to get on one's nerves so often.

This is going to be a major ranting session. Please do not put yourself through the pain of having to read this text, if you have something that's more productive than, well, this. 

Well, I'm going to try and force myself not to rant, but here's what I think- you're the most judgemental  person on this planet, strutting around and making arrant comments at people whom you- get this- don't even know. You make baseless, stupid accusations which prove nothing of the mental capability you so often crow about, and for which only serve as an even greater platform for the rest of us to look down on you.

I'm not being unfilial- get this straight. I'm only saying you're driving the rest of us crazy. You know how the push-pull factor works for most people in helping them make a decision? Yeah, you're the extreme 'push' factor which is driving me both up the wall, and out of this place. And it's not just me. You're making baseless accusations about my FRIENDS as well. You tell me I'm a bloody hypocrite when I say I try my utmost best not to judge anyone, when ironically speaking, saying I'm a hypocrite is the most hypocritical statement you've uttered thus far, along with the trash you spout so often in an attempt to blow your own trumpet. I'm not saying that I don't judge. Everyone does- it just depends to the extent to which they judge someone. And also, it's not so much the judgements that are what I abhor- it's the fact that you judge, and you think that it's perfectly alright to judge, because you lack the morals to realise that judging someone isn't exactly the most pleasant thing on the planet, and so, you glorify it. That's exactly what I hate. 


They say that 80% of the people in the this world are insecure, so insecure they try to put others down. Well there you go, the epitome of who you are. 

Think about it yourself. You didn't even have the grades to get into a local university till you were much older- and there you are, making snide remarks about how I'm not going to get into a university, or better still, about people whom you know only for namesakes. Your words speak volumes about your insecurity, your fear of being ostracised, your fear of doing what is 'wrong'. You're the coward of society, so deeply entrenched in your own little bubble of a world you fail to realise that around you, the world is changing. 

Your judgemental nature is the main reason why I rarely talk to you any more. You say your 'little girl' isn't as close to you any more? Well, now you do know. Each time I speak to you, I'm tumbled about and wrecked- like clothes that come out of the washing machine- crumpled and twisted. I'm sorry if this sounded caustic and extremely indolent of me, but I think that, with all due respect to the fact that I should still be respectful, the greatest form of respect would be to be truthful. So there you go. 

Have a good day. 

:D

Picture perfect representations of the establishment /destruction of the establishment :D

Love this.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

This photo is terribly overdue. But it's a lovely photo nonetheless :) Taken at Cj Celebrates this year.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Ignorance is bliss.

I believe that now.

Why Ju. WHY. Curiosity killed the cat, remember. Even if it originally started off with good intentions, that doesn't mean you wouldn't find something unexpected. Unpleasantly unexpected, that is.

Screw this. Mask whatever you're feeling. Don't let it leak. Because after all, you did what you weren't supposed to do. Do things if it isn't immoral, illegal or indecent. What you did just broke the immorality.

Go to sleep. Pretend you didn't see anything. Just force yourself. Tomorrow, it'll be fine. I know it will.

I don't know what's going on. I don't even know what you're doubting, and I don't like the nagging feeling that you're doubting yourself all over again.

Because one day, that self-doubt is going to consume you. And the worst part is, no one can clear that self-doubt but yourself. As much as I want to try and help.

Though yes, I'm doing all I can. And I will help you to end of if I have to. 

Antithesis

Alone. 'Struggling alone.'

That's what Miss Hang, my geog teacher told me, when she pulled me aside yesterday after class because she said I 'looked like I was about to explode'. 

I didn't think much of it till much later. But somehow, I believe her now. She's the only one who's hit the nail so far. Which is, I don't know, strange? Because, perhaps she's right. I am stressed. I am struggling. And I don't show anyone that I'm struggling because no one cares. Not many, I mean. 

Miss Hang also said she said she was a 'stalker'. Finding more about me to make sure I'm alright. And strangely, even though she said she was, I didn't think it was anything wrong, either. I'm intensely touched, in fact. It's rare to find a teacher like her, and even more rare to find one who doesn't try to find things out for the sake of academic studies.

Then again, I could be making large, sweeping statements that may not be true, even. I could be merely overthinking the whole 'caring' bit. But something about what she said was sincere, too genuine to be fake. ( is that possible? )Sure, she found the right words for the dead, anxious feeling I've been carrying around with me for so long, However, sometimes I don't even know if I'm truly dead, or truly anxious, even. 

A bit antithetic, no? I'm carrying 2 very different identities, 2 very different moods, 2 very different personas. The best part is, I know exactly which one is the right one. But is it right because it truly is right, or because I have to make it right? That, I believe, still needs a great deal of figuring out. Maybe I am the sad, alone struggling person Miss Hang described me to be. Or maybe I'm the happy, hyper and outgoing individual that I portray only to my special friends?

I don't know. And the thing is, I probably will never know. It's not that I have an identity crisis. But more a case of knowing how and when to be the 'right' person for a particular scenario? Is that 'right' person the person I want to be? 

Whatever the reason, I don't intend to find out now. I don't have the time to. And as far as Miss Hang is concerned, I'm not giving up on Geog. I have not, am not and will not give up on Geog. 

I can't afford to disappoint her again. Or more importantly, myself.

And even if I'm struggling to make sure I don't disappoint anyone, I know one thing for sure. And that is- I will be just fine.

If you believe in something long enough, one day, it might actually come true.

I will be just fine. 

I'm a bloody bipolar idiot sometimes I swear. 

I have a whole chunk of insecurities that is, really, unfounded. 

And I know what they are but I can't list them here. (because I'm afraid this will be read? Naw, no one reads this thing anyway. And probably no one even knows I update this damn thing anymore. )

Screw this. 

Why choose to live in the happy past, when the future could be even happier if you let it be?


That just popped into my head while I was reading an article on how Bhutan is the happiest country in the world. 

I'm not the sort of idealistic person who believes that one should always be happy, but to a certain extent, it's true, isn't it not? I rarely reflect on past words that I've said, but maybe this is one that actually makes some sense, unlike a lot of what I say nowadays, probably. 

Maybe because I've been through enough crap to be able to say that if you were happy with a mediocre past, what are you going to be when you're eventually truly happy? 

Possibly because I was exactly like that. Happy ( maybe an overstatement) with an unhappy situation, desensitised, confused and altogether an entire mess. And when I'm suddenly taken out from the mess, I realise that there's actually happiness on a greater, wider scale, and that what I felt before perhaps never was true, pure happiness. The sort of feeling I'm feeling now- the slightly utopian, yet not unrealistic sort of happiness? 

I'm there now. 

Strangely.

Somehow. 

I feel like posting how I really feel here.
But then again, these feelings could change when I'm in a better mood.
Honestly, I'm not in a good mood now. Being bitchy and angsty at the same time isn't nice.
Crying like crap isn't nice ( but then again, no one knows)
But then again, it helps one to feel full. Which means that I can finally lose the extra weight I put on because of my birthday.
Here's to being the same weight as a field pack once again! :D

I'd go through every, single, minute detail of Literary Evening, but I have no intention of writing a blog post a mile long, so yes, here's the summarised version in bullet form because I'm having a fever and I don't want to have to think of nice complex sentences.

Literary Evening on the Friday the 13th (Yes, typical of Lit teachers to pick such an auspicious day)


- Received a nice surprise at Yio Chu Kang MRT station on my way home.
-Went home, had lunch, changed and got ready for event at 5.45.
- Went back to school early for event, and spent time with friends till the PAC was opened.
- Watched a couple of performances put up by various lit classes. 2T01 won the best performance, and, as dystopian as the play may seem, it was good. The absurdity. Perhaps my favourite genre of plays so far.
- Went down to Orchard for Starbucks with the usual bunch of friends.
- Was walked home and crashed.

Saturday: Math tuition in the afternoon, then study session with one of my best friends.

And that just about summarises my life as a JC student. Special events only happen once in a while, yes. 

Right so I get moody, insecure, pissed off and irritable when I'm pms-ey. But when I'm happy I can be delirious, ecstatic and hyperactive. 

What a very obvious contrast. Perhaps this explains my mood today. I swear I hate being a girl sometimes. Best part is, I know I'm moody and that I shouldn't be moody. It's also very frustrating that one person, just one, specific person can turn my mood so quickly from frustration to that of pure, undiluted joy - or vice versa. 

I don't expect others around me to treat me EXTRA nice during this period- it is, after all, no one's fault but mine. So I should try to control my emotions better, rather than PMS-ing at everyone, especially when it's not their fault, and especially at my best friend. 

Tomorrow's lit night. Cannot come, then cannot come. In other words, 'sua'. It was a last minute call, anyway. And the reason is perfectly valid. So stop being so affected by what you read on Twitter. And there's still Saturday. Stop blowing up and everyone and stop being such an angsty bitch. Of all people, to those you care about most. 

I shall stop here. I forgot one more thing I become when I'm PMSey- Bloody emotional. 

Old.

"Everything I want the world to be
Is now coming true especially for me
And the reason is clear
It's because you are here
You're the nearest thing to heaven that I've seen

I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I've found ever since you've been around
Your love's put me at the top of the world"

Top of the world by Karen Carpenter.

This is such an old song but a beautiful one nonetheless. 

Today, I found out that the J1s this year have guts. Guts in the wrong sense, that is. I don't have an old man aura, and just because I'm nice to them, doesn't give them the right to think I'm a pushover. Or to put it in more accurate terms, gossip/backstab ( Note: This does not apply to all J1s. Obviously.)

So I've made up my mind. I'm going to work hard. I'm going to work to bloody hard at this As so I can get out of this place. The 29th November will be my last day I'm going to see that place again. The place that isn't even the same any more since I came in not long ago, and definitely not as long as some others who have seen greater, more drastic changes.

I know if it wasn't for my group of friends, my life in this JC would have been hell. Utter, miserable hell.So yes, I'm getting myself out of the system, out of sight of the intensely cold unfriendly place of this current JC. (well, the walls are blue now even, how appropriate.) And by that, I mean I want to rid myself of the people (outside my group of friends, that is).

And to do that, I must do well enough in my As so I don't come back again next year to repeat another year of J2 (that is if I'm allowed, of course.) The thought is large enough a deterrent. 

Friday the 13th was supposed to be a night I look forward to tremendously. But I guess I only look forward to it as another event in the school calender now that they're only allowing current lit students to attend.

I miss you terribly. 

Today's been an amazing day. I don't know how to put it better, but.. well, all I can say is that I'm touched. Utterly, wholeheartedly touched. I don't know la. I'm happy. I haven't been so happy in such a long time. But I am. Today just showed me who my closest and best friends are, and tonight showed me the degree to which I'd go for someone. Like how today was extremely happy, and tonight was ... extraordinary.

Consumed with satisfaction and happiness. I'm so touched. That's perhaps all I can say.

Thank you, all of you. You've made more than my day. You've made my life. 

Of yesterdays.

3 more hours till I become legal to drink and drive ( NO, not simultaneously). Yay, I'm 18. Or going to be in 3 hours time.

It's a strange feeling really. No, I wouldn't say that it's anything different from what I've been feeling most years ( because all that physically changes is another candle to the cake) but more a different sense of responsibility, I guess?

This is probably a mere dress rehearsal to the day I eventually hit the legal adult age of 21. But then again, with liberties granted and perhaps a equally liberated sense of freedom, it's a whole new world out there still waiting to be tackled. I mean think about it- in the past 17 years of my life, I've made mistakes- a whole lot of mistakes that cannot be erased. I've hurt, been hurt, and somehow ( in a rather misguided way now, I must imagine) managed to pick myself up, learn from the mistakes and carry on with life. Without so much as breaking a bone. Somehow.

I guess you can count me lucky for not having suffered anything serious( and by that, I don't mean just physical injury) now that I think about it, but back then, each mistake felt like it was the last straw. But there's always something bigger, isn't it? There's always something that makes you want to carry on, despite the hurt and the pain. And in my case, there's more than just one thing. I've had my friends, who tirelessly kick me out my misery and nudge the truth into me each time I lag behind. I've had my closest friend as a bastion to cheer up me when I'm down and (sometimes even painfully) slap the truth into my when I need it the most, despite the fact that there are times we share common and simple joys.

And it is to this friend that I say perhaps, the greatest thank you. You've allowed me to grow into the person I am today. How so, that, I shall only leave you to decide because that isn't something that I should say- I'm no good judge of my own growth. But all that aside, thank you for just being there, and for being my bastion. No person has ever reached this level, whereby I can trust you wholeheartedly with anything I say, and someone who wouldn't judge me even if I told you I like to dance around the room in a bikini at 2am in the morning ( not that I do, of course). But yeah, it's an amazing feeling to have found someone I can almost consider a kindred spirit, someone whom I'm totally unafraid of expressing my true emotions in front of, and someone whom I can say, with absolute certainty, that we'll remain the best of friends for a long, long time.

2 and a half hours more. I guess I should be ready to tackle and handle the world it needs to be handled. Even if it's possibly going to be a new experience. 

And again, my day would have been a lethargic one had it not been for the fantastic time I spent both productively (reading through my ELL notes) and fruitfully :)

It's times like this where I've never felt happier. It's like living a dream, except that this time, it's reality.

Okay, back to Binomial Distribution. Pssh. 

I have a million thoughts, but no words to express them.

I'm frustrated and I'm pissed and I'm not going to speak.
Because that's me. I've been brought up that way. Do not ask for help. Do not ask for any damned thing because you're not going to get it, anyway.
That's part of my character.
Because I think that offering help is more sincere than having to ask for it.

I feel like crying even though I have no idea why.

I think I should calm the hell down before I try talking to anyone.