I’m tired of change.
I’m tired of people changing.
And I’m forcing myself to accept the change instead of fighting the change.
And I know that whatever I do, I have to make sure he comes first. My needs and wants are nothing; they can wait. I have to cheer him on, I have to make sure he’s happy, even if it means killing myself to do so. I have to be proud of him and be a good girlfriend.
Throw away your own desires, because remember that he’s more than you boyfriend- he’s your best friend. And that you’d do anything for him.
You’ve done that before.
You can do it again.
For eternity, if so.

Work is not stressful, but stressing.
It's a constant fight between breaking down and staying strong because the kids don't understand sympathy. I don't blame them.
I had a particularly bad day today, and throw in a splitting headache, I think, no, make that I know I'm going to fall sick soon. What with interacting with sick children, it's a wonder I haven't physically died. (because I'm already dead mentally anyway)
Oh and I sincerely need to start training again and restarting my pt sessions. I've put it off for a long time now. Much too long.
Time to go. Headache is beginning again. The surprise call from Chu today was welcome though, except my headache was so bad I couldn't even recognise his voice. Sigh. .

I'm moody, I'm sick and I'm tired of 1Sir's schedule. The stress is endless for me on the inside but even more for him on the inside. But I don't ever realise that do I, because all I'm going about is how he's supposed to take care of me even though I'm a civilian and I'm supposed to lead and run my own life.
I need to learn to man up. Stop wanting attention and focus on giving attention to him because he actually needs it. Not you. You're outside, you lead a job which, fine, stresses you to death but isn't as bad as his. Stop crying like a baby each time you argue, because really, there's nothing to be sad about. I know it.

You need to stop trying to prove that you're worse of, that my injuries are worse, that I'm more tired, more annoyed, more sick than him all in the name of attention. He's trying to show you attention, isn't he, and for some weird reason Ju, you don't realise it.

" ehhh make sure you eat ah, or else I'll bus over to your house with food for you! "
" you need to sleep more:) "
" please take care dear:( "
" remember, if you have to choose between your book out and getting an injury, I'd rather you stay safe and not get your book out. Because safety comes first, okay? "
" I want to be the least of your worries in NS. Worry about other things first, than me, ok? "
That was everything I said to him before he enlisted.
4 months later, I don't even know if I can say the same things to him without feeling a tinge of jealousy, a tinge of sadness, or a tinge of anger. And I don't even know why. Maybe it's because I need insane amounts of attention which he schedule limits him from giving. Which also means, why in the world, Ju, do you need so much attention? Stop asking for it, start giving it, because that's what you promise chu. Sometimes I don't know anymore. Am I asking for too much? Because I know myself - I've rarely asked for anything. Maybe this lack of asking someone directly for something is manifesting in some obscure fashion unknown to me just yet. Or maybe because I know that he knows me well enough that he'll give the attention himself even without an outright request. I'm confused.

I miss him. And he has a field camp this week, to further add insult to injury.
Then again, I've been in some terribly humour because hormones dictate that I will now suffer from pms. But that's a lame excuse, really.

Let's play this game

I haven't written anything for a really long time. Not because I don't have anything to write, but because I've got no time left. From having the whole day free, to holding a 8-5 is exhausting. Which should explain the lack of blog posts.

So, first and foremost, my job. I haven't quit the kindergarten, and it's almost been a month since I've started working there. I don't dread it as much, possibly because I've made good friends with the other teachers there, and now that there's a specific curriculum to follow/ timetable, life is becoming slightly, just slightly easier. Under the guidance of one of the teachers, I'm slowly picking up the skills needed to run a proper class, be it class management, assessment of the kids or simply bonding with them. It takes a lot more effort than I realise, and honestly, I respect full-time kindergarten teachers. Their job isn't easy, and the younger the child the more difficult to teach.

Case in point, the class I was teaching the other day. It's difficult to get 6 children to listen to you let alone a whole class of 14, all jumping and screaming. It's a wonder that I haven't fully lost my temper at them yet, because I remember that I confiscated this boy's toy train which he brought to school because he was playing with it in class. Of course that boy starting crying. Wailing, in fact. But for once I didn't give in and left the child alone. And for once, he kept quiet for the rest of the class. Then there are other children who don't know how to use the toilet properly, don't know how to wear their shoes, bags and etc... after a while it becomes something I'm almost immune to because I've got no way else to survive.

Some days I'm so frustrated that I don't even feel like getting out of bed. Some nights I end up going to bed dreading the next day. But I guess that it's part of life, part of work, and it's something I have got to get used to, whether I like it or not.

Then there's my life outside the kindergarten. Or what's left of it, that is. All my friends are working, as far as I know, and we're all busy in some way or another. And my life as an NSF's girlfriend. All these different identities, and sometimes I don't even know how, why or if they merge, or if they should. I'm not going to deny that Chu's crazy AIT schedule is stressing me (and just as I write this, I remember that he'll be away for 7 days next week...) but I'm going to stay with him no matter what. Because he's the only one who understands me this way, past and present. Then there's my A level results. One more month, and... justice will be done, hopefully. So many things, so little time, and somehow or other I'm supposed to live through it, because I can't even request to fall out of life.

I'm stressed, I know, and I admit. I'm taking on 2 jobs and nearly took on a 3rd if Chu hadn't scolded me and told me to watch out or I'll exhaust myself. To Chu, I say, thanks for dealing with all my crap. I'm stressed as heck, and honestly, only you knew it and it seemed like only you cared. So thanks for always making sure I'm alright and caring for me, even if you can't be physically around for me all the time. As for me, just remember that I'm not leaving you, okay? Be at peace:)

My job, my boyfriend, my results, my life. Somehow or other, I'm supposed to reconcile all these and make sure I don't lose any of them. I don't really feel like I'm ready for Uni, and ready to grow up. I'm 19 this year, but I feel so awkwardly out of place as an adult. I'm uncertain and I'm unsure, but I guess I've proven to myself that I can be strong when being strong is the only option left. I just need to find that strength again. Maybe in God, even, or rather, to begin with.

Speaking of which, I've got church tomorrow, so I better call it a night.

Good morning Teacher!

So for the past 3 days, I've been working with PCF, helping to orientate the new kids into the school and the culture. I don't hate children, so the job seemed pretty suitable for me. I mean when I first heard the job scope, I thought that handing out tissue paper to the children was a fairly easy job for me.

Until I eventually entered the job for real on Tuesday. 

I guess the first thing I really noticed was that my job scope extended far beyond that. Not that I minded, I mean, I did expect that handling children would be nothing short of tiring, but this was truly the first time I was interacting and handling children- and having to discipline them. That wasn't my forte and never was. I got along well with the children I've encountered in tour groups when families have little kids, but having to get them to listen to you without parental supervision is a whole new story altogether. 

To put it simply, I got kicked and scratched my the children who refused to listen to me (WHYYY), especially children whom I *think* have ADHD and whom cannot sit still for more than 3 seconds. And that was only the beginnning. Since the centre was extremely new, they were slightly shorthanded and I was put in charge of a k1 class- Class Kiwi 1, to be exact. The other teacher who would be conducting the other k1 class was this really petite and pretty chinese teacher in charge of Cherry 1. My class started off with 8 children on the first day and gradually grew to 11 by the third day as we became more and more familiar with the children (because some of the children didn't know if they were Nursery/K1/K2/K+, so many children were often shuffled into the wrong classrooms during orientation, but eventually found the right classroom in the end, to much disarray and screaming. )

Suddenly, I found myself with 11 children under my care, most of whom couldn't speak very well. To complicate matters further a lot of the children didn't know how to raise their hands when they were called or even more confusingly, didn't know how to pronounce/read/say their names. It took a lot of patience ( which I'm, again, not very good at) to finally coax a name out of a kid. Then I had to make them participate in games/songs and dance with me, which was a total disaster because my method was totally off and I just couldn't capture their attention long enough. There'd be 3 to 4 children sitting around me listening (and these were usually the ones who could speak and write English fluently), and the rest of the children would be running around and doing their own thing. It frustrated me. Alot. It was the same with song and dance. I don't know how the other teachers did it, but well, I felt like a complete failure. 

I guess my method of teaching was wrong to begin with. On the very first day with the first 8 children, I was really lax with them. My mentality was this- if the children weren't getting into trouble and they weren't annoying others and immediate danger, I saw no reason to intervene with what they were doing. And they took advantage of that and climbed over my head- Literally. On the 2nd day, however, I looked at the other teacher's children and then it hit me- the children there were really well behaved and quiet while my class sounded and felt like a madhouse. So I picked up the tough approach. I tried to be firm and to shout at them, which worked for a bit, but then the children realised I was just acting tough and started to bully me again. It frustrated me, angered me and annoyed me, but as usual, I just didn't tell anyone. At one point in the 'lesson', I was just so #*@!^&@%$ frustrated with the children I literally stood helplessly against the wall listening to the noise the kids were making and snapped. Not outwardly, because I didn't want the children to see me, but sufficient for the other teacher to walk over and kindly take over the class for me while I went to take a breather. For that moment I just didn't want to deal with children anymore. not their screaming, yelling, punching, etc. 

And that was only the 3rd day. I didn't even know whether I wanted to continue with this job, because it was wearing the hell out of me so badly chasing kids around, force feeding them, making sure they didn't fight, didn't hurt each other, the list goes on. But I knew that I don't have a choice, I mean, yes, I can change jobs, but seriously, what kind of person am I going to be if I job-hop and what does this reflect on my future? I don't want to make this a habit, and whatever it is, I will never resort to drinking to drown my sorrows because that's a silly method and that, obviously, doesn't solve anything because problems will always persist when we grow sober anyway. Plus imagine the magnification of my hangover caused by the screaming and loud noises if I go to work with a hangover? Yeah. 

Whatever it may be, I know that I want to continue with this job, anyway. Even if it gives me the worst headaches when I come back home, even when I have to go to work slightly sick because some children aren't completely well when they come to school, even when I snap at work and I die inside when I see the children misbehave. Because, it's cliche, I know, but this is one of the most rewarding jobs I could ever have. I remember this little kid once saying to me, as she left the centre, " Teacher Julyn, I love you!" and then she kissed my hand. That was a pretty defining moment, I guess, and that's probably also the reason why all the other teachers stay despite yelling till we're all blue in the face and constantly want to strangle them. Alot of the time, those crappy moments, I find myself thinking of Chu and going, you're going to be a mother someday, anyway. Or I find myself thinking of Chu, when the children have their own free time to play and while I'm supervising them, and going, I miss you. At least you don't have to deal with this mess.

I guess despite everything, I still love those kids, and though I hate having to deal with the discipline issues, I'll stay.