Chinese Oral tomorrow. I am damn scared. Even though my chinese friend says to keep calm and excel. Urgh.
I can do it. I can do it.

Ohreally?Isthatthecase?

You know, its always a frightening prospect to think that come September, all of us will have to walk under a dark and menacing cloud of the O levels. And indeed these fears are very real, much as I would throughly like to believe otherwise.

Come hell or high water, we would still have to undergo this pressure, this pressure, the sensation of having to drink from a fire hose. I can feel it, and the thing that worries me most is- what if I cant handle that pressure? What if I decide to commit suicide during the last minute or something? I don't know, I could just be raving mad and spouting nonsence.

Also, what if I disappoint someone I really, really, honestly, want to please? Someone I admire? Who always tells me to jia you and that she'll always be there for me and be my listening ear? What if I disappoint her?

I don't want to contemplate the consequences.

I swear I hate cramps. 

And its so sad that CCA's ending, Just when I found such a wonderful CCA also. 

I feel so torn up, Iam living 2 different lives. I know Iam not THAT interested in some things you may be interested in, but Iam interested to hear about them also, you know? I wish I was included. 

AA outing at Sentosa

I learnt a new quote: Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it.
Learnt it from AA yesterday. Okay, I promised I'd blog didn't I? So I shall.

Met Melina at 9.45 at the bus stop adjoining the 7-11 outside my school. Went in to buy her eye drops, then headed into the school where we realised we were the few early birds who arrived.
Waited for a while till about 10 ++, then boarded the bus bound for Vivo City. Once there, walked through the mall and waited while the ex co went and bought the tickets for the entry into Sentosa.
The tram there was packed full, I was squashed like some sandwich while Melina tried to support me with her arm, together with Bajeela, who was also hanging onto Mel like a support, in which, Mel noted, that the 'only thing that was supporting us was her pinkie' :) I was beginning to feel faint (Omg, not now..), but thank goodness the fresh air I managed to get a whiff of at each station revived my oxygen starved brain.
Upon arrival, played what we know as the Rope Game, where a piece of raffia string was supposed to be passed from body to body(" i know, don't think sick here) without our hands having to be released.
I think it was the Blanket game next, where we had a blanket placed between 2 opposing groups and a rep sent to sit in front of the blanket. The moment the blanket is removed, each group is supposed to guess the other's name 1st.
Was it charades next? I think so=/ Iam losing my memory.
After that was taboo, I think, and then dog and bone. Somewhere in between we played Protect the King with water guns, and it started to rain, so that game had be postponed to a late timing.
Thanks so much to Tsi Yuan, Melina Unnie <3 and Wen Hui( the lazy xD) and many many others for making me feel so welcome in AA. That's the best decision I've made this year.

I <3 All of You <3

AA outing, yet to be updated

Went for AA outing today at Sentosa, came back sandy, sweaty and happy (rhymes right?!) wil blog more the next time. I cant seem to think clearly now.

will you?

You used to be so close to me, yet now, what? I feel your very presence as cold, as cold and cutting as a winter breeze, with an intensity matching to that of the very air.

Why, why, may I plead, have I done? To hurt you the way you are hurting me now? I thought that you'll always be there for me, yet your words seem as fragile as a sheet of glass, and delicate as a baby, as brittle as it may be also. To what do I owe this sudden displeasure?

The tears I have shed because of you simply justify the pain I have endured in this painful, yet unknown seperation. It also justifies something else, that I have placed much faith in you, so much that for me to tear myself apart from you tears also a portion of my heart away. No. I don't want to undergo this.

I miss how you and I used to talk like the differences between us were nothing but seamless cracks that have sealed itself with time. But apparently, they have reopened, only to be an even more yawning and deeper than it ever was before. And this only goes to show that even as hard as I pray each night that our friendship may bond, it may never truely recover.

I did hope that it would stand the test of time, hope that time will heal all wounds. And this also goes to show that the memories of us together will still be held on to dearly. My tears will be evidence to such an outcome.

crashed phone

I hate my phone.
It decided to retire on me, all my contacts are gone. Please, message me your contacts back again pls. Using spare phone now.
What hurts most is that all the messages cant be read. And some of those messages mean alot, ALOT, to me. It hurts to lose them.

Love you:)

I Love you too, Melina Unnie :D

Iam glad that at least someone out there cares, even if most don't.

To Mel, with ♥

Its so strange. After like, what, 3 years in being in a CCA where hardly anyone cared about my psychological wellbeing, CCA has made a 180 degree turn. And yet, its hardly been 4 weeks since I 1st joined, but the people in there are so welcoming of a new member, so warm, so friendly. Sometimes, I wonder why I didnt join this CCA earlier. No , let me get this straight- I don't hate my previous CCA. Its just that sometimes, I feel( this is purely my personal opinion) that it'll do everyone good if they simply opened up a bit more and be more welcoming of new members.
But this has indeed left me with a learning experience.
I've learnt, for one thing, that sometime life can be cruel. But no matter how cruel life gets, there is always that 50% chance that someone out there will be some I can clique with, someone out there whom I love.
I'd say this, she's sweet and gentle, with a big heart and a cheerful desposition. Much as I would like to say thank you for all that she's done for me and with me thus far, there are, and will always be, certain things that can never be expressed in words. Gratitude, for an instance. And there are many many more like her I have yet to thank, just that she's the one who has made the greatest impact on me all this time. And I'll admit, I dread the day I have to step down from CCA.
Thanks Melina, I love you <3, my dearest Unnie <3








I know iam not that close to you all. But I want to be. Cant you see?

yeayeathestalker

Fk the parental controls. Now I cant reply tags to ANYONE or even get into ANYONE's blog. Screwed up, so freaking pissed off.
Told my dad to unlock the blogs so I can get in, his reply was, " NO! why should I? I only allow you to get into your friends' blogs, not everyone's blogs!"
I just wanna type the F word out here now, in caps. I don't really care if anyone thinks iam the goody-to-shoes who won't type vulgarities. Because I will use them in extreme provacation.

ahahahaha

And yes, VAT is finally over!! :D :D Lets rejoice everyone:) I know, the gloom of coursework:(

Hehs. Iam in school now actually, waiting for the queue to shorten. Due to the fact that each student has 30 pages, the printer isnt exactly a state of the art model, the printing is going to take some time, indeed. Iam the 6th one, and Shermaine's the 7th one on the list. OMG. Miss Keriann is in the room now. I gotta go. NOW. 

I was just joking about the commiting suicide part. Don't have to take it so seriously!! 

Had many, many english periods today. Fried my brains a little. Seeing that they're singed, I doubt I have much of a chance in taking in tomorrow's lesson.
Morning, met Melina during HHF. Waved at her, yet she didnt see me. I was waving to a wall:(
Lunch, met Melina again, I think she was doing some CIP thing for senior citizens.She stole the rice from my plate and milo from my cup:( Hehs.
After AEP ended at 5.15pm, I walked out and met her again:D Just outside school. Listening to Oh by SNSD:D
Me: Omg, what song is that? Its damn familiar!
Melina: Haha its oh.
Me: OHHH Ohhh ohhh!! I got it! Its OH!
Melina: Its oh what, I just told you/
Me: OHhh. I see. OHh, OHH!! Its 'OH'!1
Melina: :D :D

Strange, is it me, or am I slowly being consumed by the Korean culture around me, like a monster voraciously sucking me up? When I hang out with Shermaine and Michele during recess and sometimes, during class, I hear them mention about SHINee.

And actually I'll admit that Key isnt all that bad looking, seriously. Alright alright, he's GOOD looking. ( i'd better correct my words before Shermaine gives me a black eye xD)
When I go for AA, its Melina (senior) who's another great SHINee fan. Hehs. Alright. I'll allow myself to be absorbed in this culture and see for myself the results:)

chinesechinese

You know, I've always wanted to learn chinese well. Why? Because I love China. I do. And Iam not afraid to say so. Just that setbacks sometimes refrain from allowing us to love something or someone. And why? As far back as my memory goes, I've been english educated. And it amazes me that some people can speak chinese so fluently without even a hint or a trace of fear.

Somehow, I wish I could do the same. But Iam ashamed, compressed by my own fear of being the gentle butt of their jokes, even as I know that I ought to put my best foot forward and do what I think is right, regardless of what others may think.

But all these require courage. And, unshamedly as it might be to proclaim such a fact, I don't possess that courage. THAT courage. That courage to stand up and go against the flow of normality and pursue my desires? Yes, I know, ' The one thing that doesnt abide by majority rule is a person's conscience'. I know, talk is easy, but ACTION IS TOUGH. Action is tough I say!!

And another thing. Is it my opinion... or are... friendships problems creeping up on me?

I don't know what happened that day
That hurt you all so bad
Was it because I was moody,
Or simply cos I was sad?

Would you like to tell me
All you think I've done
To rid myself of better friends,
A story just begun?

I guess it partly is my fault
but you ought to have played your part also,
I don't see no connection with you
As if Iam but a shadow.

But through it all I've seen that all my
Friends take you as their own
While I stand apart from them
A loner left alone.

To all those buddies just like me
I'd like to say goodbye
Because I think its sad to feel
Lonely enough to die.

I'd walk the streets of Heaven
Where all like me agree,
I'd be like all the other kids
And there'd be a friend for me

Last dental appointment

Just removed my braces, its honestly really comfortable without it, but physically, Iam fine, its just a psychological feeling I guess. Another phase in my life is yet over, but I cant seem to get a hold of it. I know that physically speaking, removing my braces is a good, a wonderful thing, but inside Iam really sore because I miss my orthodontist so bad, honestly.

Today was my last ever visit, I was sad, but I kept a cheerful face.

Me: Hello:)
DL: Hello, come come, julyn, sit down:)
Me: Baoyi's supposed to come today but she met with a little accident.
DL: HUH?! She okay or not?!!
Me: Ya she's fine, only that her arm's in a sling so she cant come today, she says she wanted to come to let Dr Yong check her teeth.
(Dr Yong comes in)
Me: (smile)
DL: ( a pause, looks at teeth)
DL: Wah nice already, I dont feel like taking out leh!
Me: Haha why?
DL: You love me right?
Me: Yes, but-
DL: So you should leave it on for another year right?
Me: Haha, sure...
DL: Ready????
Me: ( looks in alarm at the clippers)
DL: Dont so jing zhang( nervous) la..
( a pause as clips break apart wires holding brace together, another pause as I watch in amazement. My entire brace came out in one piece.)
DL: Out already! :)
Me: (tries to feel teeth, but finds it numb)
DL: okay, dont move, Iam gonna start the motor to spray your teeth k?
(a few minutes of high pitched squeaking, more squeaking, water flying in eyes, watching the 2 dentists ( DL and assistant) loom over me......)
DL: How old are you and Baoyi this yr ah?
Me: mmmphhhhh shixtin...
DL: sixteen? Ohh okayyy..
( a pause)
Me: Urghhhh( tastes blood)
DL: Go rinse!
( another pause as the doctors watch me rinsing)
Me: I feel weird...
DL: ( laughs) you'll be feeling weird for a while:)
( assistant prepares a mixture to make a mould)
DL: (holds a green tray of plaster-ish thing) I want you to bite into this okay? I say bite 1st then you-
Me: (bites)
DL: NOT MY HAND!!! My hand I want one okay!
Me: oops..
DL: you ah.
Me: Sorry sorry sorry sorry.
DL: (jams plaster onto teeth)
Me: (whimpers)
DL: I take the bottom one okay?
Me: (nodds)
Dr Yong, who had been standing at the corner watching.
DY : What happen to Baoyi?
Me: A little accident, She's fine now:)
DY: Good good:)
DL: Done! Go rinse?
Me: (rinses)

Oh here comes the best part.

Me: Dr Loh?...
DL: Yes?
( all the doctors were in the room at that moment for some reason or another)
Me: (feeling awkward as I was speaking to a whole crowd) Erm, you know so many people always find dentists so scary and frightening and they've always been thought of as terrors...
DL: Ya i know, so sad right:(
Me: But after this, I know for a fact that that's not true at all. I love all of you, you all have changed my perception of dentist totally, you all are really, honestly nice :D

I didnt quite expect this.

DL: ( a split second pause) AWWW SO SWEEEET!
DL: (rushes forward and grabs me in a hug)
Me: ( couldnt really react, my arms were pinned to my sides, but I returned the hug as much as I could)
DL: THANK YOU! thank you for giving me such wonderful feedback okayy! I wanna hug and kiss you!
Me: Oh er.. haha?
DL: (flying kiss)
Me: ( flying kiss back)
DY (Dr Yap, another dentist): Come, lets take xray?
Me: Okayyy:)
( Takes xray)
Me: See you okay?
DL and DY: (comes out to the reception, meets my dad paying up)
DL: Helllo daddy?
Me: ...
DL: Aiyo you know julyn gave me such g8 feedback I wanna hug her?
Me: HAha, sure sure:)
Dad: She likes you what!
Me: ......
Dad: Finishes paying
Me: Okay, bye then, seee you in 6 months time!
DL: Okayy, bye then:) (waves vigourously)
Me: (waves back)

Iam gonna miss her so bad, infact I already do. Why is it that i always miss someone after I know Iam not going to see them again?