For the first time, he looked at her, and not through her. The sight shocked him; how little did he know about the girl he once held in his arms, the girl whom he knew so well he could recite off her favourite songs by heart. She looked plain now, her face almost aged, her eyes speaking the words she no longer could voice.

"I'm alright," she said, her voice broke with emotion, and attempted to smile, and as she did the pink beanie she wore slipped slightly off to the left. He watched as her face creased with the force of each facial muscle, her smile wane and painful, and into each crease was tucked a tear, a worry, a fragment of her past she no longer wished to revisit. He watched as she reached under the sheets and held up a small stuffed bear, before clasping it tightly in her arms and against her chest. "At least he's been keeping me company," she whispered. Then he remembered that she loved stuffed toys.

In desperation he bade her farewell and exited the room he first entered with anticipating anxiety. He was alone now- the door had been closed behind him and he could see her no more. He hadn't realised how sick she had been, neither had he realised how much he had been caught up with his work to even notice that she had been suffering from cancer for a long time. In what could perhaps be described as a mixture of pain and pure guilt, he made his way to the toyshop a couple of buildings from the hospital and stood looking through the glass window at the rows and rows of TY toys he knew, or at least he last remembered he knew, she loved. He couldn't remember if she preferred the large furry giraffe or the small stuffed horse and yet he remembered she had told him before- they had been to this very same toyshop. In frustration he bought both, then impulsively picked out 6 other stuffed animals before realising he was out of credit. He paid for the remaining in cash, headed out of the store and ran to the hospital before he could think twice about spending his entire pay for the week.

He stood outside her room steadying his breath, then pushed open the door. She wasn't there- they must have taken her away for yet another round of those endless tests. She wouldn't be back for a while, he knew, and began arranging the newly bought stuffed animals at the foot and head of her bed; how garish they looked against the crumpled white sheets. Then he stood back and looked at the arrangement, before taking a small sheet of paper from her bedside table and scribbling,' Love.' Love who, he did not state. All he wanted was for her to feel loved, in some way or another, then he felt his phone buzz into life against his thigh.
" I'm sorry I wasn't always here," he murmured, before opening the door and leaving the room. He had to return to work- he knew that the buzz could be from no one other than his colleague. Yet something, perhaps the most crucial thing he had not realised was that nothing, not even her favourite stuffed animals, could be his substitute.

It's been.

It's been 11 weeks since he enlisted. That's almost 3 months.
I can't actually believe that it's already so fast, but indeed, time flies. Whether we're having "fun", fun or no fun at all, time passes, anyway. It's really kind of strange. It's something us humans have imposed, but yet we have no control over. The one things created by humans which we cannot destroy at will, if at all.

It's been 6 months since the first time we got together. And it's hitting the 7th month soon.
I remember how we met, I remember how he awkwardly blurted out a confession on the phone, and I remember how everything just fell into place so nicely, after his wasted time in his previous relationship and all his delusions. I guess that the best way I can describe this feeling is simply- relaxed. There's no pressure in this relationship at all ( pardon how wrong it sounds, yes), and any form of pressure is only that of time whereby we resolve things quickly before it escalates. And that's what I love most. How we know that despite our arguments, hellish schedule and strained moments, we know that it's out of love, cliche as it sounds. I'm glad things are working out for now.

It's been 4 weeks since I began my A levels. That's a month.
A whole month of tension, pain, stress and tears, with one more paper to go on Thursday and it'll be over. But no one's kidding when they said that the A levels are the HARDEST paper in Singapore, yes, even surpassing the uni tests that will probably wreck more havoc into my life ( assuming I get into the Uni, that is.) The papers passed in a blur, and to some extent I can't believe that my JC life is over. JC taught me so many things beyond the book; the most important one the lesson on growing up. JC forced me to see reality.

It'll be exactly 6 days till we go public.
I'm nervous, yet I'm excited. But then again, I'll never see these people who are going to judge me again. Plus, I'm happy. I'm happy to be with him, and I'm proud to have him as mine. Whatever the judgement for both him and I, I'm prepared for it.

It'll be 1 week to prom. That's the last day I'll ever see CJ as a quasi-whole again.
Half the school is going. Some of my good friends aren't even going because of their own reasons.
Nevertheless, I think it'll be something I look forward to. At least, I hope to look forward to. He won't be there, because he'll be stuck in camp, and despite that I know that prom marks the last time we'll see our acquaintances. Talk to them perhaps, to say a cordial goodbye and thank-you-for-being-my-classmate-for-the-past-two-years.

It'll be 1 week till I leave for USA.
That's the first time I'll be heading out west. I can't wait, literally. I'm so excited, for once, because I've been going to China for the past... 5 consecutive times? I'm not the Hollywood sort, but a change of scenery is nice. That, plus I haven't spoken Chinese for the past 1 year.( I'm suffering from a language death right here. ) But yes, I cannot wait. I can't wait to see the Colorado River I've been studying about for 2 years materialise, I cannot wait to test my own guts by walking on a glass bridge over the Grand Canyon and risk my life in the process, I cannot wait to see something other than the numerous temples for 5 years. It does get boring, after a while of seeing the same thing repeatedly. I guess the only thing I'm sad about is the fact that he won't be there to see me off. I remember when he sent me off to Changsha back in 2011 with a couple of friends- and this year, when he means so much more to me than just friends, he won't be there. He'll be outfield, and midway while I'm overseas, he'll be in field camp. And that means when I return from my trip he won't be there to welcome me back. I'll miss that, but I'll survive, I guess. 4 days after his field camp- that, I can't wait.

It'll be 4 months before my A level results are released again.
That thought is terrifying. Knowing that I already messed up my human geog paper BADLY, I fear for my results.I might fail Geog at this rate, and I might end up with straight Es and Ss, which will get me absolutely nowhere. Or I might get the reverse and get Cs, Bs and hopefully, an A here or there.
Most of my papers are over, anyway. Time to leave things to God and let Him decide what my next course in life shall be.

It'll been a while. It'll be a while.

I messed up Geog today. 

And yes I feel like hell. 

But what can I do? I can't cry (literally) over spilt milk(figuratively)

1 more paper. 

Make this last paper worthwhile Ju. 

Don't waste it. 

(well, at least if it's any consolation, this was the first BAD paper I've had so far. All the rest were pretty alright. )

2 more papers.

I can do this.
I can do this.
Don't burn out.
Don't burn out.

Even if the rest of your clique is ending this friday and you end next thursday, don't let your mind wander.

Focus.
Focus.
Focus.

You need this chance Ju. No heading to the poly, no heading to the private unis.

Everyone's telling you that you've got potential. Chu's been pushing you forward, despite his BMT. Your teachers believe in you. Your teachers tell you to stop putting so much pressure on yourself because you have potential. Friends you've not spoken to for some time tell you that you've got potential. Andre, Melina and the rest of them.

You can't let them down. Not now. Not ever.

Gasping for air, barely even breathing.
No I'm not asthmatic, but I think I might as well be.
I'm cracking from the bloody strain of the As. I'm admitting it, and so far in all my life I have never posted 4 times in the same day. Something must be nagging at my mind- and no it's not just PMS.

I fell asleep on my geog notes just now and had a really odd dream about cats. I dreamt that I was walking home with a good friend of mine when all of a sudden I was surrounded by cats. I remember I was pointing out this fat fluffy white one to my friend telling her that the cat's name was Olivet (that came from the cat that lives near Chu's house) when all of a sudden the cats stopped moving and I couldn't move as well. I just froze there, with my friend calling out to me and shaking me but I couldn't move, couldn't speak. The last thing I recall was falling down with Olivet in my arms, into this bottomless pit. Then I woke up.

It wasn't so much that the cats scared me. (well obviously), it was the thought of not being able to move or say anything when I most desired so. To explain myself, to scream, yell and call out to the other person to save me from falling; and yet, I couldn't. I was just stuck there, doomed to fall.

I'm in a terribly melancholic mood today ( productivity has, as a result, gone to hell) and I think it's a combination of being lonely, PMSey and stressed at one shot. I don't know. Whatever it is, he's coming over tomorrow.
At least that's something that'll hopefully cheer me up. 

Seedling

I don't know what made me write this post, maybe it's because I'm plain frustrated with everything that's going on around me now, which is what led to this sudden unexpected spammage here. Plus the fact that I'm already out of CJ, I think it's perfectly fine to make things clear. 

I remember that I used to love CJ back before all the problems started. I remember when I used to be part of the 'popular' clique in CJ, because that's when I was at my most carefree, believing that everyone was nice and understanding. Then the nonsense started with Nic- because back then while I was still innocent, he took advantage of the fact that I was innocent enough to believe the words of others without much questioning then. I was pretty dumb, I have to admit, and even while he mentally tortured me, I kept silent, thinking that that was merely part of a healthy relationship. 

I learnt the art of being watchful from that failed relationship, and while I had matured a bit, I hadn't grown fully. In the time lag between Nic and the next relationship, D, there were 3 others who tried their best to being my 'listening ear', ( to which afterward I found out they were merely trying to 'jio' me) I turned them down, because I wasn't ready. I knew it, and I didn't want to hurt them, neither did I want to put myself through further problems. I got over Nic, escaped to Cambridge some time after turning them down, and that's when I let my guard down- I met D. 

D initially didn't seem like the kind of guy who'd take advantage of me, because he seemed genuinely concerned for my welfare, or so I thought. My naivety took over me again, and I thought that since this guy seemed genuine in his thoughts and words, I believed his words that he would 'never hurt me'. Something should have caught my attention back then because I'd barely known him( I was still fairly dumb) but for some reason unfathomable to me even now, I didn't. I didn't see the warning signs, and didn't even think there was anything wrong when he started shouting at me with a frequency that intensified throughout our relationship. I thought that was normal, because immediately after a shouting match he'd come over and apologise, beg for mercy, and act sweet until something trivial annoyed him(like me not saying hi to him as I ran past his classroom because I was late for another lesson of mine, and the span between one shouting match and the next could be anything between 3 days and 10 mins) Throughout the relationship, I didn't want to raise any problems within our relationship because I feared that I would annoy him and raise hell. I merely complied, went along with whatever he wanted me to do, even if I felt it was wrong of me. The times I stood up ( and thank goodness I did, because he asked me to do things for him which I felt was not appropriate) against him often resulted in greater bouts of shouting. Upon reflection now, I'd say that my reputation in CJ was ruined because I merely went along with him and whatever he said- I was that disillusioned.

( I also realised from this that the people within CJ sometimes have too much time on their hands, and spread untruths about individuals in the school. To this, I merely say, you can spread whatever you want about me, but I know that I have a clear conscience. I've done nothing that I will feel ashamed of. That's all I need. )

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate CJ. I like the place and the friends ( the true ones I mean who stick with me) are some of the best friends that I have made and will make in my entire lifetime. But sometimes I feel that it's got far too much high-school drama, if you know what I mean. 

Back to topic, immediately after I ended the relationship (with the help of all my friends because honestly, I couldn't have done it on my own), I'd say that my singlehood after that was one of the best periods of my life. I depended on no one, and for once, I've lived by myself, something that I've always wanted. I wasn't ready to get into another relationship for a while and I knew it. Months later, one of the friends who helped me get over my breakup with D confessed to me. I was completely over D back then, but I wasn't sure if I was ready for another relationship because this guy was my best friend for 2 years ever since I began JC. We waited, while both of us thought through this carefully and in the end, we did get together. 

For the first time, I'm actually in a proper relationship for once. One that doesn't abuse me, and neither does he take advantage of me. For once, I can say I can trust knowing completely that he will not misuse this trust. For once, I can actually say that I know what being in love really is- when being with someone makes us want to better ourselves for them, when you want only the best for them and when you know you will never dream of hurting (physically and mentally I mean, because I got hurt both physically and mentally) them. 

As for CJ, well, it honestly doesn't matter what they think of me anymore. I know my intentions well enough that I actually know what I'm doing for once. I'm happy, and I'm not hurting him neither is he hurting me. As for CJ as a whole, I'd say thank you, because it's been marginally nice knowing you, but to my closest friends in CJ- Viola, Sindie, Xiang, Tate, Sarah (10 years babe :D), Yumi, Jom, Chu, Melvin, Zac, and many more, thanks for always being there for me. You've made my life bearable.

I think I need to stop looking at your old blog posts. For some reason, I'm continously attracted to it, reading about how painful you were last time, and how much you've become better. I don't even know why I'm mentally torturing myself like this, because each time I read your old blog posts I'm struck with this uncanny sense of melancholia which nothing( save for studies) ever do inflict upon me these days.
Maybe it's because I'm so happy with you I keep wanting to look at your past and think, hey, she would never have made you that happy, not even that tiny little bit. She never loved you, she never cared, and I'd go so far as stating that she probably cannot even be considered a good, let alone best friend, of yours- and 'perfect' relationship? It had more holes in it than swiss cheese.
Maybe the reason why I keep looking back at it is because I remember how you were back then, back when I first met you. And in my mind I'm thinking, wow so much for pining for her, she's not fit to be your friend.
Maybe it's because I wonder what your reaction would be like. If she meant so much to you and I mean a thousand times more, I wonder if you'd cry if I left you like you did back then. I wonder if you'd crumple up and feel horrible for a period of time like you did back then. Because I know I would. , way more than whatever you've done. I don't even know what I'd do without you, that's why I want to know if you'd do the same. How nowadays, I can't seem to cheer you up, even during a long day outfield, when she could make you happy by just being with you after a campfire which you didn't even sleep for days planning for it. I know this sounds terribly, horribly mean because just by doing all those things, she broke you down and hurt you. Something I'll never want to do. But I don't know how to reconcile the fact that I want to know, and the fact that I sound like one of those bitchy demanding bimbos.
 I have a low self esteem, I know, it's blatantly obvious. But that, I'm still trying to work on, desperately.

You tell me not to speak to N, because the likelihood is that he's still trying to get me back despite me being attached and your reason for doing is because you know N well enough to know that he's this sort of person. Well, unfamiliarity also breeds uncertainty, so how about me saying that I don't like you talking to her because she butchered you up emotionally as well? Precisely because I don't know her well, I wouldn't know if she's trying to get you back or not, would I? Even if you resist, I don't like the idea of her trying. I'd never know if she has ulterior motives, seeing as she once did in the past.
At the end of the day, this blog post would not make sense to anyone else but you. It's meant to be 'coded', in some weird way or another. It's also your choice if you choose to remain friends, because that, I can't stop you, just as you always like to say it.
I'm damn narcisstic, I know, but losing that relationship with that girl is probably the next best thing that happened to you, after getting me. Heheh.

I'm sorry for the lengthiness of this post. It could be the A level stress acting me up like that. I don't know.

This is going to be such a bitchy post. You've been warned.
I'm terribly Pmsey. I hate how my mood totally flips during this period of time (pun intended) and how my emotions fluctuate worse than... 2 men of different weights rapidly stepping on and off a weighing machine.
Met him today, and honestly, it didn't help that both of us were bitchy and moody at the same time (we're gonna have to live with this more often) yes he has BMT, but I'm having As, and they're not kidding when they say it's the HARDEST paper in Singapore. Even worst than uni.
Whatever it is, I'm going through every single emotion that ladies out there feel during their pmsey stage. Every. Single. One. It sucks like hell.
Urgh.

GP, Lit P1 and Math are finally over.
I've got a pretty bad feeling about the papers I've taken so far, actually. GP was fairly alright, but Lit P1 was definitely not my best attempt yet. I'm hoping for an A, although I'm crossing my fingers for that one- maybe a B would be more reasonable. I'm not sure if I even analysed the essay to be the best of my ability- though I must commend the lit department of CJ for hitting the nail as far as spotting passages were concerned. Then again, there's still P5, which I'm hoping will give me that much-envisioned A.
Math... I'd laugh if this is what eventually gives me an A, because the paper was manageable- too manageable that everyone found it easy too. Which means the bell curve might not lean in my favour- thus causing me to get a B as well.

B,B,B so far.

Next few papers are going to be the worst papers with all my H2s crammed together.
ELL and Geog, let's do this.