I've done all I can. Ultimately, any change will be entirely out of your own effort. 

There's only so much I can do without exhausting myself just talking to you. 

It's not so much a case of misery, but more a case of reluctance is accepting fate, accepting change and accepting what God has planned.

Thing is, you're atheist. My last clause will therefore be rendered null and void in your opinion. 

Kinda strange how I always end up ranting here. I get those moody moments where I just want to go against what everyone is telling me and just do the opposite for the fun of it. But I never actually do anything like that because it's actually kind of immature. 

Like tonight. 

It hit me that I didn't want to be like anyone else. I don't want to be used to remind someone of another person, and neither do I want to be compared. And I will do likewise. 

Then again, there are those moody moments when my friends try to talk to me but I'm too moody to talk to them in a hyper, high fashion. Then I get moody when they don't talk to me. Kind of ironic, no? 

Okay you know what, I'm typing this in a half daze. Tired, sleepy and altogether quite antagonised. Probably the result of trying to make my friend see some sense by talking/yelling via whatsapp, doing my ELL essay ( for 2 whole days now, sheesh), trying to talk to another friend of mine who is somewhat interlinked with the 1st friend I was yelling at via whataspp, and ultimately trying to make sense of the whole situation I'm faced with myself. 

Whatever. Goodnight world. I'm too dazed to continue typing. 

Catharsis.

Total disgust.

My MYE results. What. The. Hell. La. 

How am I going to get into the university at this rate? 

It's times like this when I feel I bit off more than I could chew. By going into a JC. I should have just gone to a poly right from the beginning. That would have saved a considerable amount of tears. 

But then again, had I gone into a poly, I wouldn't have grown up ( as a friend of mine said), I wouldn't have matured ( again, what my friend said) and I wouldn't have make all those mistakes for which I learnt valuable lessons from. 

Can't get out of the system. Like a certain friend of mine said, DON'T EVEN EFFING THINK OF LEAVING JC AND GOING TO A POLY AFTER As. Because the moment that thought creeps into your mind, you're dead. Gone. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. 

I don't care what you do, Julyn. Don't you dare disappoint your teachers and your parents who have pinned so much hopes on you. You will go to a university in Singapore ( preferably NUS) because you have done well enough in your A levels to do so. Which means somehow getting your Us and Es to Bs and even As. Revise. Throw yourself into work. Practise until you collapse from exhaustion. No choice. Bo bian. ( And I am strangely starting to sound like one of my best friends. This is amusing, but cool in some really weird way too. )

And also, thanks to said friend of mine who has boosted me with much motivation since time immemorial, as well as all my other friends willing to help me out there. 

I'm gonna do the IJ girl thing and say, love you all :)

This weekend was a good experience. Camping out in Pasir Ris beach in tents, having the boys' tent flood because the tent wasn't build to withstand the apocalypse weather that raged its way through half the night, swimming in the sea ( the water is saltier than I thought), going for long walks and eventually watching the sunrise was the experience of a lifetime I would never forget. 

I haven't been that happy in a long time. I haven't had the chance to experience something like that in a long while- the peace, tranquillity, and having as much time as I needed to sit and talk with my friends. Most of all, I treasured the freedom I had over time that night, to just walk away from the noise, to just sit down at the wooden benches and to just spend the night quietly reflecting and sharing the happy moments is but a rare opportunity. 

But right now, things aren't going to change. ' It's a step, a baby step, but it's a step', said Atticus from To Kill a Mockingbird. So baby steps we will take, because in the long run, we'd be happy to have made the best decisions and choices. And be happy in the future. 

And in the past 1 hour, I've been thrown into confusion, snapped, broken down, and been cheered up significantly. And I foresee a few more mental breakdowns without saying a word. Won't be hard to do I suppose, seeing as I've done it before and that will serve to make my stronger, I hope. 

So I've hit the level whereby I know that it's real. No longer a illusion, no longer a fantasy, Concretised. No longer unsure as to whether or not my thoughts, words and actions are out of nothingness, or uncertainty. 

Today, I decided to look through your archive. Just out of curiosity. Just out of fun. But what started as a excited, wishful feeling eventually evolved into one whereby the sinking realisation of my actions towards you all these months caused the tear ducts to crank into motion after having been inactive for 2 months.

Why the hell was I so blind all this while? I didn't just kill myself. I killed you, emotionally and psychologically. I knew the truth, but I forced it away. Deep down, I lied to myself so damn much that for a while, I actually started to live that lie.

And yet you still forced yourself to remain stoic. Remain solid despite all that you had to face. Your mental strength is amazing. Because I wouldn't have been able to do that.

I'm sorry. So freaking sorry. This has got to be the greatest, and most sincere apology I've ever made in my life, probably. And yes, I know that I'm going to have to tell you this in person, but right now, the realisation that just hit me is... astounding. 

We all know the friend in our lives who's always there. Despite everything we do- our strange behavioural quirks, our insecurity and even insensitivity at times, they aren't just confidants whom we confide in when we need a shoulder to cry on, nor are they the roots of a tree that bind a friendship firmly to the ground. We all want such a friend, a friend so close he/she doesn't judge you for the things that you do, forgives you for the mistakes that you make and coaxes you with kind, encouraging words when you're down. And sometimes, a friend so close he/she's mistaken as your other significant half.

I'm proud to say that I have such a friend, and many more. And I'm appreciative for these friends of mine. Thank you. 

Now that I think about it, I must have given you hell, total hell the past few months. I don't know why I was so blatantly blind that I just couldn't see it. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Thanks for being the best in every single aspect, especially for being so understanding. I owe it to you. 

It kinda amazes me the way people choose to live their life inflicting hurt on others. How their disillusioned, sadistic mindset of theirs gives rise to them deriving pleasure from another's pain.

Funny how come these people are the ones who always get away and somehow manage to still live a relatively high-flying social life. And to think I almost chose to live that sort of life; giving up my morals for that pathetic sense of belonging for which I would never have been happy, anyway.

It frightens me that I once wanted a life like that, some few years ago. I'm glad I stayed away, far away from that path.

Watching people judge, bicker, sneer and even gossip, it's frightening what this world has become. 

So perhaps I woke up today thinking that it was a dream. But no, it wasn't. The fact that it came not so much as a shock ( I expected it) or as a happy fantasy-come-to-life kind of event, as it was just the beginning of a path walked so often by everyone else, but to each, a different experience; rocky, bumpy, some even giving up entirely and leaving the tracks- a path that has yet to begin.  And the thing I'm most happy about it that I managed to keep my promise. To live by the words I've uttered for so long.

As for the future, whatever it may be, I pray that God will help me make the right decisions. To do the right thing. To learn from the mistakes I made in the past so that I won't repeat them again. 

Doing anything within my means just to see you happy. 

There are certain days where one acts totally out of character. Today was mine. I'm sorry for worrying you both, but that point in time, I really needed some space. Perhaps the fashion in which I did so was terribly paradoxical, seeing as my actions not only backfired on me, but caused you both to think I was over reacting. I apologise. But one thing I can comfort myself with is that, it's the 2 of you. My best friends. My closest confidants. So therefore, thank you for not judging. 

' In the ill-judged execution of the well-judged plan of things the call seldom produces the comer, the man to love rarely coincides with the hour for loving. Nature does not often say 'See!' to the poor creature at a time when seeing can lead to happy doing; or reply 'Here!' to a body's cry of 'Where?' till the hide-and-seek has become an irksome outworn game. We may wonder whether at the acme and summit of the human progress these anachronisms will become corrected by a finer institution, a closer interaction of the social machinery than that which now jolts us round and along, but such completeness is not to be prophesied, or even conceived as possible. Enough that in the present case, as in millions, the two halves of an approximately perfect whole did not confront each other at the perfect moment; part and counterpart wandered independently about the earth in the stupidest manner for a while, till the late time came. Out of which maladroit delay sprang anxieties, disappointments, shocks, catastrophes- what was called a strange destiny. ' - The Maiden, Phase V, Thomas Hardy's Tess of the D'Ubervilles.

You don't know anything. This is pure speculation. So don't do anything stupid. Be oblivious. Be innocent. Be ignorant even, if you have to. Because you don't know anything. Don't assume.
Stop your curiosity, Ju. It's not going to help anything because nothing is in your control. Go with the flow and you'll find yourself somewhere. Somewhere, something, someone. Maybe happier. In any case, it's not for you to decide.

Screwed up my lit paper 1. Especially A room with a View. The only paper for which I actually had some hope it scoring a decent enough grade to make my results slip look less dismal.

On another note, Birthday Party wasn't so bad. I hope. Or am I just deluding myself in the hope of actually scrambling to find some means of comfort in the essay for which I know I would have most probably disappointed my lit teachers in.

Then again, I was the only ridiculous one ( as far as I know of) who chose to write the essay question. I wouldn't even say it was easy, just that I opened the paper, glanced at the question, which asked for the symbolic references of the setting within the novel, and jumped into writing it. I never plan and I know that's my fault but I never seem to be able to learn, do I? Add that to the fact that I was so bloody tense.

Anyway, no use moping. Tomorrow's going to be the worst paper I'm ever going to sit for- hELL. Yep, bad pun there but I can't help it. ' Discuss the ways in which you deem are issues pertaining to the change in English language as a result of language contact. ' and ' with wider readings', which means I have to somehow or other dig out all those linguists' names and critically discuss their theories. Somehow or other, I have to do that.

Sweet Lord. Why am I even in this mess?

This entire situation is messed up. Utterly messed up. I'm frustrated that I don't, and possibly can't, say the words I truly feel without having to sugar coat them to ensure that hurt remains minimal. 

I want to scream in your face for doing this, I want to tell you that what you did was wrong as well. But I can't do that because it's just far too brutal. Even if I were to say it with the right intentions. 

I can't do anything. Yes, I'm hapless about this whole situation. But because this is what others have done to me, this is what I'll do for you too. Be your support and help you when you need it. 

Stop trying to do anything more, Ju. It's not going to work. For once, try to be look at things superficially. If otherwise, it's gonna affect you. Badly. 

Someone died today. From my existence, I mean. Not a form of physical death.  But it's a form of reconciliation, the closing of this metaphorical coffin lid that connotes, with it, the death of the pain gained from past memories. Perhaps my fear of moving forward too quickly stemmed from my own need to maintain a specific amount of time, even as the pain that I felt faded quite some time back. 

Having been forced by circumstances to do the things I did, I recollect on my actions sometimes. For one thing, there's no use regretting what has happened. Nothing will change those memories made, so therefore, there's no use pining and wishing those memories never occurred. While we can't change that fact, however, what we can do is in fact to learn from those mistakes. And learn not to repeat them in the future. From one, I learnt the value of independence- and from another, the value of trust ( or lack thereof) and self-worth. 

But, like I said, someone died today. Having been out of contact for a long period of time has (hopefully) succeeded in reducing the pain both parties felt initially- at least, it is for me. No more bearing of grudges. Never was there hate. No longer am I bound by this sense of fear, obligation, pity and ill-suited decisions. The surprising beauty of solicited freedom, solitude and peace to do as I please and to spend with that special person in the future. 

I've got a strange feeling that, at this rate, I'm going to go nowhere. Because the way I see it, I'm stuck in this place, this institution of education whereby I'm entrained into movement by the momentum of the teachers, people and even the friends around me. I can't get out, as much as I would like to. And I can't keep floating as well. I need to get out. I want to.

Times like these, I'd say, I want to break free, as cliche as it sounds. ( But it's cliche because such a collocation is overused, and the reason why it's overused is because it actually withstands the test of time and holds true, no?) I'm tired of travelling down this road for which I see no light. I'm the sojourner who dwells in the simple pleasure of doing as I like ( not practical) and choose when I would like to do something ( even more impractical).

Though one could argue that the MYEs aren't a true reflection of one's ability, the fact that the MYEs does stand as a form of benchmark for which we have to attain, or fall short and feel the hardness of the ground beneath us. Sometimes even I don't even realise why I'm doing this, trying so hard to reach for the pole that hangs far out of reach- when there are already others who have gotten a firm hand upon that pole and are gleefully on their way to scoring As for their, well, As.

The MYE exam today was a killer. Even in the areas I felt I was somewhat competent, I couldn't have been more surprised by the paper. Then again, it is ridiculous to place 2 content-heavy subjects on the same day ( Geog/Hist AND math) causing people like me to invest so much time into geog that math is left to play second fiddle. Or perhaps it isn't even in the orchestra. Then again, I didn't exactly study so I don't really have anyone to blame- not that I would blame anyone, anyway.

On a side note, I... I shall not mention this.. There's too many thoughts to even begin to attempt phrasing them into words. Main thing is, I'm confused. Very confused.

Mid Years begin on Thursday, and I'm typing this with so much fear that I'm not even bothering to stop and check if my sentences make sense or are grammatically correct.

The best part is, I'm not doing anything to assuage that fear.

Call me an idiot if you will, but in a cruel twist of fate and pathetic irony, it's this very same fear that's keeping me from studying. I don't even know what changed. I've learnt that I can trust very few people. Most people lie. They lie through their teeth, smile through their lying happy eyes, and crush with their thoughtless, lying words.

Yes, and it's this cynical sarcasm that's forcing me to rethink my option into a JC. This constant power struggle for achievement, this metaphysical combat we're engaged in everyday is taking more than just a heavy toll- and it's showing, pretty much. I've lost the enthusiasm I once had- the happy innocence of simply living and being in an environment I've grown to love, and in it's place is a strange entity for which I question, with this a muted sense of fear, the reliability of every person I meet, except those whom I wholeheartedly trust.

What seemed right never was right. What appears normal on the surface was but a mere concealment of reality. What appears superficially usual hides the menacing, even ugly, and strangely, comic aspect of the raw, painful truth. 

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, Like a skyscraper~ 
-Skyscraper, Demi Lovato.