Why do I feel so alone in this crowd of laughing happy people? I get asked that a lot. Or rather, by Chu. But the reasons are pretty simple, I think. I don't feel safe here. I feel like they are going to eat me up like a pack of wolves. I don't feel needed, I feel outcast, and I feel plain odd. 

I can't wait for Chu to go overseas though. Maybe that'll be my best time to shine. I don't know. Something about how he and my pastor was discussing that I need to be able to live without Chu annoys me. Or rather, annoys my pride. What do you mean by that statement- you think I can't stand by myself in church? Really? I think you're mistaken. I have intuition that perhaps you don't have, and as a result I'm not as dense as *others* when it comes to figuring out a group of dangerous people. These people are dangerous, to me. Fish don't see the water they swim in, apparently. 

I hate how you're so well-liked in there. And I can't while you constantly overshadow me. I need my own identity, and while you shroud me I will never get a chance to shine among these people whom, despite being dangerous, I can probably fit in. I'm chameleon by nature so why is this failing me now? Maybe it's my innate fear that you will always be better than me, socially. I can't stand that idea. I absolutely cannot stand it. 

If there's one thing I cannot understand, its people who cannot appreciate silence. Who find an incessant need for conversation even where conversation appears unnecessary or worse still, inappropriate. Perhaps my introverted nature has influenced my thinking, because I think that silence is the best time for self reflection. Not the mundane, trivial, everyday occurrences, but about how we seek to live life, what we hope to achieve and why we are doing this particular thing during this particular phase of life. The reflection I find that comes with silence, and only silence, allows us to realign our priorities and fixate ourselves on what we first set out to achieve. These silent reflections have allowed me to realise that I deviate a lot from my goals. Without having a direction for thought, my mind simply drifts, and I find myself veering towards thoughts that hinder on the questioning of my own purpose, what I am doing, for example, with this course in Literature, and what I hope to achieve from it. It is possibly also this silence that I realise that our minds deceive us into obtaining a lesser goal which we believe has as much potential as the greater, original goal we first intended. Silence has allowed me to realise that due to my own weakness of the mind, I don't have the courage to pursue to dream I first intended- the greater, original goal I wanted.

If anything, a person who takes pleasure in constant chatter is depriving himself a chance at self reflection, whereby the need for talk has, in fact, tricked the mind into accepting that peace is elevated during chatter, that the exchange of words and thoughts in fact help one to identify with himself and find his true goals. But I disagree, not because I disrespect these people, but because I think that by sharing goals and thoughts with someone, we become confused as to what our goals- the untainted, purest form of the goals that crystalise when we self-reflect- are, as they intermingle and mix with the desires and wants of others. What becomes ours, becomes theirs, and what we wholeheartedly wanted, originally, and for ourselves, is lost in the process. Sometimes the losing of our intimate goals is not just because of the intermingling that occurs during conversation, but also because I think that our desires and thoughts are not always meant to be translated into words, and meaning is lost when attempting to communicate it to another. The perils of a conversation- what these people who indulge in constant chatter do not realise they are losing. Because there comes a time where words cannot express our desires, where words hinder our ability to hold on to those pure, untainted goals we first had. Where the attempt to reconfigure those thoughts into words would ultimately result in the ruination and corruption of our personal dreams. 

I honestly hate how I cannot seem to love myself.
I don't. I do the worst things to harm myself, and it makes me happy. If I don't sleep and others tell me that I need rest and tell me so, I will relish the attention and it's back to torturing myself. The same goes with eating or with anything that is basically a human function. I deprive myself of it till I'm sick and out and down and I don't know why.
Maybe I need to love myself first. Maybe I need to be alone first. Love myself when no one else loves me- only then I will learn? I don't know.
I'm crying typing this out.
So many people care for me. Yet I can't reciprocate, I'm stuck in this glass dome where I can't reach out and touch the lives of others who are caring for me. Chu cares a lot for me but I don't know how to reciprocate. So does my best bro friend. But I can't do anything. Maybe Chu yes, because I'm simply sick of torturing myself in front of him. But not for my friend. It's like I lose all ability to care for myself when someone cares for me.
I can't care unconditionally, and I don't know how to care. I can't stand it and I hate myself for this so badly.
I don't even know myself and I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I don't get it. Is it a psychological condition? I don't know. I don't even dare to find out.
F.M.L. I swear.
I mean, I have a good understanding of what I am and who I am and what matters to me, but I just can't love.
I don't know how to care for my own physical needs. I'm 19, and I don't know.
What's this.
I got this off a website - "

• Learning to take loving action for yourself regarding your emotional and physical health, your financial health, your time and space and your interactions with others." 

I can easily say I don't do any of that. I put others before myself, I don't do a good job caring for my physical health (the number of times I've already crossed the boundaries is more than telling), and as for time and space and interactions with others, well, I'm "chameleon-istic" in nature, I just adapt. To others. Does that mean I'm not certain of myself? I'm not sure. 

In any case, if anything, yes I will begin to prioritise myself first. Just because my friend wants a shopping buddy to hang out with doesn't mean I can't say no. Or- classic- if I have exams, I can choose not to go to church because I need to study. 

Why do I hate myself so much? I'm my worst enemy- I never even hate anyone as much as I do myself- well maybe except Chu's ex girlfriend- but that aside, yes, I don't. I wish myself the worst, judge, look down and hurt myself. And I never do that to anyone else, because I'm hoping that others will give me the affirmation I need. But it can't be done, right? I have to affirm myself, right?

On another note, I've taken to spamming myself with water when I'm stressed. Which you could say is a good thing.

So much hurt.
I thought you'd have gotten over it.
I did everything I could for you.
And it's not enough.

It's my fault, I guess. I failed.
I stripped away every single bit of my dignity and it still failed.
It's not easy to strip everything away like that. I'm trusting you not to misuse it. I hope my trust isn't misplaced.
Maybe I'm too naive. Or just too damn nice for my own good.
Either way, no one's going to look at it that way. It's all about you, and to you, I've failed. Despite all that I always try to do and have done, I've failed.
At the end of the day, I'm wrong, and you're right. As always.

Let it be then.

So yesterday was a depressing day. In summary, I 

1. realise that SO MUCH for female gamers being encouraged and recognised. Really. 

2. I got my essay back. And went to eat ice cream to cheer myself up after that.

3. I have 2 papers to complete by monday. And I am still blogging. Great.

1. I don't know what's with the chauvinistic male gamers that look down on female ones. It started off with a pair work presentation on reviews ( we picked a game review) we were supposed to present yesterday and my partner fell ill. I don't blame him, he was genuinely sick. But that means that I had to present alone, or find a substitute last minute. I entered class and found out that this other guy was presenting on a game review as well. I was happy, because I thought that he'd be willing to team up with me seeing as we were both doing game reviews anyway. Turns out otherwise, of course. When I asked him if he wanted to pair up he said 'no, go and die. " My reaction was completely... Okay what? Because it was a genuine question I asked him. He went on to say ,"No way I'm never presenting with a girl. I'm chauvinistic like that. You want to do a game review, I'll show you what a real game review is'. 

Thanks man. Or rather, thanks and eff you very much. I don't need your attitude, and I don't need you to show me anything about a game review. I can't believe I still managed to laugh it off as nothing then and even joked with him about other things after. Couple of my friends called him a jerk and a jackass though. I guess that means the hurt I feel is justified. In any case, I still applaud myself for keeping my temper with him. 

And so much for males applauding girls who play. This is probably the first true test of whether or not I really like gaming and I do. Despite whatever guys say about us. 

2. On a better note, I did fairly well for my research paper, considering that I thought I was going to fail miserably. I still went to eat ice cream with a couple of my close friends because we all thought that ice cream would take our minds off things a little. 

3. I'm stressed to snapping. I can't even believe I'm stuck doing this because I feel like I'm drinking from a water hose. There's so many things to do just talking about it makes me want to scream and yell and go crazy and cry. Why. 

It happens.
All over again.
In a way, I expected it. I expected change, I expected that there would be that inevitable character switch.
In a way, this is the greatest test for one's character. It reveals who you truly are, right down to the core. And I'm glad for this switch. I mean, having a friend means knowing the person through and through, and when the person's frivolities have been stripped away, that's when you know your friend best. What doesn't change after going through all that depicts the core of your character.

But in a way, I'm sad to see the change. You could say that its just a piqued interested in another phase of life, but I'm a sentimental person, and I miss the days before all this happened. Before you spent the last 5 days in camp, and before we could talk and laugh about anything without having our conversations ripped apart with words like 'I'm tired', or 'camp', or anything, just anything that has to do with comparing my life with yours. I hate the last one, I really do. I hate it when no one acknowledges the stress we undergraduates go through as well. Yes its a different kind of strain, but its a strain nonetheless, no? I'm stressed and I haven't slept and I'm tired, and you rebut with 'yeah I haven't slept for xxx number of hours'. Sometimes it hurts to hear this comparison. It's an angry, primal form of hurt, whereby I'm annoyed because you think I'm inferior to you. You want me to pity you, to feel sympathy, but I cannot do so while you continue to compare our lives. Somehow or other, your entry into manhood - I hope I can call it manhood- has somehow disoriented me a little. Where once I was sympathetic and kind , I am now jealous and resentful, wishing I had a life that was worse than yours. And where I could one talk about anything under the sun with you I now feel fearful that something you say might annoy me.

Which brings me to another point. Human minds, they say, are one. At least within a single individual. But sometimes I look upon myself at those moments where I'm about to get annoyed and I realise, some part of me fears getting annoyed. Some part of me goes , 'no, don't talk about this, you know you'll be upset at it, and I'm fearful of this annoyance.' Such conflict. But I don't deny that eventually one side prevails- usually its the side which loves getting annoyed. And I do. All over again. Maybe its because I'm jealous of the attention you're getting. Maybe its because of the frustration at being unable to understand. Maybe it's because of my fear of slipping back into anorexia again. All those worries. And it distorts my logic.

Maybe it's this distortion which causes me to miss the old you. To crave the old you that you no longer are, even as the new you is undergoing change that will make you a man- I hope. But those old days are gone now, and life moves on. I will change too, perhaps, as I make my way through these 4, draining years.
What do I do? I shall accept. I shall accept. I shall accept.

Sometimes I fear that I'm too broken for anyone. Too broken for anyone to love, and that loving me is a sin. Loving me is choosing the unknown path, the Unexplored.

But loving me is easy, I know. I'm supposedly everything a guy looks for.

But beneath that veneer are troubling layers of problems, layers that penetrate too deep and which hurt too badly. 

And I don't know if any guy will eventually be able to see all those layers, and see me through all those layers. 

Loving me is an addiction, like cocaine. It's easy to get hooked, but once you're in it, you realise that its way too harmful for you, but you can't get out of it. 

Loving me is dangerous, is difficult and its a challenge. I'm an abnormal girl, a girl whom you love because you see that treasured possession at the end of the tunnel, and you grope for it, but have no lead, no direction. 

Loving me is a challenge. Normal girls aren't a challenge. But loving me is. And I can't help it, because I don't know myself, either. 

And you took up the challenge. 

Will you fight on? 

Soporific

So much frustration. So much of this stress.
It's times like this, when I'm juggling 2 1500 word thesis papers, 1 draft, 2 tutorials and umpteen number of readings that I really miss the days before uni. The times I worked, where I could just end work and completely stone.. until work began again the next morning. Even today, sometimes when I close my eyes and let my mind wander, my mind inevitably drifts back to the happier times of this year- the kindergarten, my work place (especially the canteen where we ate), going out with Chu and just doing the most random of things. Back then when I had so much time that we literally ran out of places to visit on weekends. 
It's times like this when I realise I haven't kept in touch with a lot of people for a very long time. The number of unanswered Whatsapp messages, texts, tweets, Facebook messages, comments, friend requests I've ignored or postponed looking at simply because I'm just too tired. Or maybe it's because I'm just not making enough time for these people. Because everyone is so busy with their life anyway... 
Or am I just making excuses? The number of people I keep in touch with nowadays I can literally count on 1 hand. And even then, sometimes there are long, wide gaps in between conversations. Don't get me wrong; I love all these people. It's just that sometimes... I feel this innate inability to reply them because sometimes I can offer no words of comfort, when needed. If anything, I'm just a burden. 
Or I could be overthinking a little. Maybe it's just this adjusting.. but what adjustment am I talking about? It's almost been a semester. I've never taken so long to adapt to something before... no, it can't be. But what happened to the time? What happened to the time that used to stare back in my face like a reflection in a puddle of water, just waiting for me to make use of it, and for which I frittered away? It's like a never ending race; this time that used to gaze back at me so willingly from that puddle of water is gone. And I have to search for it. But I can't find it. 
And everything keeps moving on. There's no stoppage, no ' I will wait for you' in the grand scheme of things.  Our life carries on, regardless of stress, of work, of the numerous thesis papers I have to do. And sooner of later, everything will come to pass, but till then, I will push on. 
I'll end off with a Shakespearean sonnet- one that I'm currently analyzing right now for my thesis. If you can't tell what it means, it basically summarises this soporific, melancholic, rather depressing post tonight. It's about the irony of time- we need it, yet we detest it. 

Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,
So do our minutes hasten to their end;
Each changing place with that which goes before,
In sequent toil all forwards do contend.
Nativity, once in the main of light,
Crawls to maturity, wherewith being crown'd,
Crooked eclipses 'gainst his glory fight,
And Time that gave doth now his gift confound.
Time doth transfix the flourish set on youth
And delves the parallels in beauty's brow,
Feeds on the rarities of nature's truth,
And nothing stands but for his scythe to mow:
   And yet to times in hope my verse shall stand,
   Praising thy worth, despite his cruel hand. 

Shakespeare, Sonnet 60. 

What Has Happened To Lulu?

What has happened to Lulu, mother? 
What has happened to Lu? 
There's nothing in her bed but an old rag-doll 
And by its side a shoe. 

Why is her window wide, mother, 
The curtain flapping free, 
And only a circle on the dusty shelf 
Where her money-box used to be? 

Why do you turn your head, mother, 
And why do tear drops fall? 
And why do you crumple that note on the fire 
And say it is nothing at all? 

I woke to voices late last night, 
I heard an engine roar. 
Why do you tell me the things I heard 
Were a dream and nothing more? 

I heard somebody cry, mother, 
In anger or in pain, 
But now I ask you why, mother, 
You say it was a gust of rain. 

Why do you wander about as though 
You don't know what to do? 
What has happened to Lulu, mother? 
What has happened to Lu?

- Charles Causley

I like walking in the rain cos no one knows I'm crying. 

 Sometimes I feel that those who give the best advice and the most comfort often get taken for granted- their role will forever be that of a Aunt Agony. Somehow, everyone forgets that the one who doles out comfort is, more often than not, the one who suffers the most, the one whom bottles up his/her thoughts and emotions and masks it behind a stoic facade. Choosing to give to everyone at the expense of himself/herself, surviving on the kind, superficial words of others that are now and again flippantly tossed their way, as "gratitude" for the comfort they give.

And that's exactly how I feel. People come to me for catharsis, for the comfort they seek and for which they've found. And I don't deny- I give it to them, because that's my gift- one of the few and only ones I'm lucky to possess. I put it to good use because I know that they trust me, that they need me around- and I'm well-liked for this aspect. But sometimes I wonder if anyone really bothers about me and my well-being beyond that of a counselor ( which, now that I think about it, I've spent years of my life doing). And this culminates in a pent up hate for people whom play up anything they've got to gather attention because there are people like me, whom wish for just that little bit of care.

Then there are those who love to make their life situations seem worse that everyone around them. It irritates me no end, because c'mon, you can't have gone through every single difficult thing in life, could you? Be humble. Accept that yes, your life may be worse in one aspect, but it isn't the worst in every aspect. Learn, and empathise with those who's life may be just as difficult as yours, if not worse, more so if you haven't gone through what the other person's going through. Everyone has a history, a story, a rough path. And to top it off, open up and realise that there are others who suffer inwardly from pain which they mask, pay attention to those around you, especially those whom you think are happiest- yes, maybe I am referring to myself. They are the ones who need it most. 

I guess I could say that I miss the times my dad used to train my like my whole life was a military camp. He started this routine training when I was P1. That was 13 years ago.
Because despite everything, it did teach me discipline, and it taught me to be tough enough to survive without the comforts of life. ( His methods had much flaws though, but I shan't elaborate about it here, its far too personal)

My dad has stopped enforcing this disclipline routine of 1. You will run 10km this week, split into 2 different sessions, 2. You will not bathe in cold water and to make sure you don't cheat, I will cut off the water supply to your bathroom so you will not get cold water. 3. You will sleep without a fan every alternate day of the week... and so on and so forth 2 years ago just before my O levels. I was so happy to rid myself of the 'torture'- of course, my dad called it 'exercise'.

I remember hating this strict regime and hating everything associated with it- the treadmill, the road that led up to my house when my dad forced my to run that route whenever the treadmill broke down(probably from the immense number of times I cried and stomped and raged but was still made to run anyway), Wednesday and Saturdays ( or Thursdays and Sundays, depending on whether or not my dad decided to be kind enough to postpone the '"exercise" for me), and essentially, my life. I remember how I'd have to plan my school schedule around my "exercise" routines, ensure that a hectic day at school where I ended at 5pm after CCA didn't clash with a Wednesday/Thursday and when it did, I was sure to pull an extremely long and black face on the way home to show my unhappiness with having to return home to yet another round of torture- I mean, exercise. I remember how I rushed my bath in 5 mins because there was a thunderstorm raging outside and I had no nice, warm water to bathe with. How I couldn't sleep at night because mosquitoes would bite me and I was too hot and sweaty to sleep. How I displayed all this culminated unhappiness in a resentment at my dad's training, wondering if my dad had forgetten the fact that he had a daughter, not a son. How I was horrified when my dad told me that he wanted me to 'sign on' in the SAF once I hit 18/19 and serve the country as if I were a boy.

But there were things that subconsciously make me thank this tough training- things that sometimes, I fail to notice. The time I ran for my school's annual cross country and came in 9th position in the school. The time I ran for my JC's intra-school race and came in 11th. And since P4, ever since we started having Physical Fitness Training (PFT), how I'd always come in 1st in class with a timing of 7 mins in primary school when, as part of our PFT, we had to run 1.8km. How I used to come in first in class ( I was from an all girls school) with a clocked timing of 11-12 mins in secondary school and JC for my 2.4km, also for PFT. In a subscious way, maybe running constantly did help after all.

Then there were school camps, where many other girls would be whining about not having warm water to bathe with, and how they'd all avoid that one last cubicle which didn't have the warm water they wanted, and how I'd be very happy to use that cubicle to bathe in- because it meant that I had more time to pack my things and pick my sleeping area in the tent. Or rather, I was the only one to sleep because everyone else stayed awake from the heat and the mosquitoes.

It's been 3 years since my dad last enforced this form of routine on me- or for that matter, any routine at all. And while I hated it, I could perhaps say that right now, I miss it. I miss the tough training, but most of all, I miss how I didn't have to worry about needing to discipline myself- because my dad would do it for me. Notwithstanding the fact that all that running kept me fit. And all that is perhaps a far cry from an actual military camp. Whatever it may be, I look upon all that training with more fondness than I ever did in the past. With the fact that yes, it has brought me some good. And despite the routine my dad put me through, I want it back- well, that part about the running, I guess.

But I'm 19. I'll be 20 next year. I can't get it back anymore.

Rant.

So for the first time in many days, I actually have the time to blog. Uni life takes a lot of effort getting used to, but I prepared myself for this, so I don't really anything unexpected jumping out in my face.. just yet.

I'm slowly settling into a routine whereby I head to school, I go for lesson, I do meetups( either to buy/trade/sell) and then I head home. There's nothing happening about my life, nothing exceptional and there's nothing interesting. 

In short, I've become a quiet loner- you could say that. I do have my group of friends whom I talk to and hang out with. Its just that it sometimes seems quite distant, and by this I mean that it feels like friendships don't really delve deep here. I could partly blame on the fact that I don't stay in hall, which makes for much less social time, or the fact that our schedules are all so different that we rarely spend time with each other outside of lectures. For a quieter person like me (yes, I've become quiet again) it seems good because then I don't really have to continuously interact with people ( I'm a bit introverted sometimes), which results in very shallow friendships- which I'm not really fond of. Then again you could argue that it's a cyclical issue because how does one develop close bonds with friends if they rarely spend time together to begin with? 

I've never been a part of a popular, extroverted group, and reflecting upon the one and only time I was part of one for a while back in JC, I learnt that I would never feel comfortable with people who are 'happy, high and sparkly 24/7'. I need to have my quiet time, I learnt, and I need my space and have time to have thoughts to myself. That's why the best friends, I think, are those whom I can spend quiet time with and yet not feel a compulsion/ obligation to carry on a conversation. And those friends are few and far between. 

But I'm digressing, I know. Social life is just one aspect of this whole adaptation, because if I could describe myself, I'd say I'm occasionally quiet and do make conversation (albeit awkward ones). At least I got my priorities right this time, as compared to JC. I'd say that the one most difficult (?) thing to cope with is the workload. I'm not sure if its just me, because I constantly feel swamped, tired and in someway... depressed? I don't know. It's like I'm sinking into this deep dark pit I can't get myself out of, like despair and worry can't wait for me to fall in deeper within its recesses. I don't want to be hyperbolic here but sometimes that's exactly how I feel. All around me, the people, the things and the objects became alienated and strange because I can't connect with them- in a sense, like Emerson's imagery of a 'transparent eyeball', I feel exactly the same- except that I'm not 'one with nature' but rather, I feel that everything in nature is against me, and I feel alienated and detached from everyone because no one notices my "transparency". I guess this is a side effect of having taken lit, whereby I automatically launch into analysis, or into middle English, or Shakespearean. 

Whatever it is, I don't really have a choice. Be it social life or my workload, there's nothing I can do but to soldier on because this is all I have. Because this is what I asked for. 

Whatever happened to the actual 'bubbly' person, I don't know. 

She will be loved

I don't mind spendin' everyday 
Out on your corner in the pourin' rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved, and she will be loved...

This is so insanely surreal I don't even know how to express it anymore.
Everyone's gone. I'm alone.
I have times where I wish to be alone, but now this emptiness is killing me. 

Miss.

It's past 12 am. Again. 

This feels reminiscent of JC, very much so. I remember the days when I stayed up just trying to memorise facts on the different erosional processes the rivers, or the different cohesive devices used in texts, or the different integration/differentiation formulas. 

I'm not even learning half of all those things now, but here I am, staying up to complete a presentation that's not even due till next week. That presentation is an odd one, it's on Chaucer's Miller's Tale and the General Prologue, for which it involves deciphering bad pick up lines and honest-to-God bad pick up attempts (I'm being very diplomatic here) on a woman. Which happily ends with the lover being stubbed with a hot poker on his butt. A really interesting story, but one that's also hard to analyse right now. Which explains why, again, I am awake past 12 in the morning. 

I haven't even slept properly in days. The past few days, even on days where I have to wake up at 5.45am in the morning to embark on my 2 hour pilgrimage to school, I've been sleeping past 12 am. And then of course, I wake up in the morning cursing myself for having done such a stupid thing ie. staying up past 12 am the night before. Sometimes I fear if this is going to be my life for the next 4 years. I guess it is. But then again, I guess that's what you get for growing up- not that we have any choice, of course. And this is an odd vibe but I miss working amongst guys back in my office. Where there was less drama (save for one person), and I was a lot, I don't know, carefree? Yeah. I like this place and the people and all- I can get along with them ( I just hung out with my friend after school today and we had a real heart to heart chat about guys over Sogurt). It's just that, in a way, I miss the past. As I always do. 

Speaking of work however, I just realised that soon, I'll have nothing left to go back for. The people at work, at least those whom I know, are quitting soon, and they're gradually replaced with newer (could I also say more inefficient?) staff. I recently headed back to work for lunch with my co-workers before they all leave the workplace (since we're all temp staff anyway) when I finally found a free slot in my timetable for one last lunch with them. Nigel is quitting this Friday, and Daniel will be leaving within the next 2 weeks of September as well. There'll be no one left for me to return to anymore. Both of them are about to start new phases of life as well- Nigel as he enlists, and Daniel as he begins his 2nd year at Uni. And in time, that place will exist as a fond memory- nothing more. It's sad. 

Then there's Chu. He's busy in camp as well, and as always, the pain of seeing him book in every weekend is something I'm used to by now. I can't help it. And as our conversations grow quieter, again, I look back on the past and think, why can't it be like how it was when we first got together? Then I remember that in every relationship, there'll always be a settling down. This is mine, I guess. Or perhaps I've already settled down, gotten used to this routine of Chu-army, Ju-Uni routine. And routines are constant, and I like that. I'm familiar with it. 

This has been a rather long blog post for one done at 12.33am in the morning. My paper has remained blank save for the title. The poem I'm reading is long and intimidating. But I don't have a choice, do I? 

I don't. I have to move on. I have to put my sad, soulful sentiments (woohoo alliteration) behind and move on. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard, but somehow or other, I will manage. I will survive. I will make it. Somehow. 

Temporal.

Temporary (adj) : Not permanent; not lasting

That's the dictionary meaning. And that's how I'm feeling right now. 

I'm currently stuck in this situation whereby my future is so unknown. Yes I may have made friends in uni, but my gut feeling tells me that something isn't quite right. Like I'm not being myself, and when I actually start being myself, well, things might start to change a little. I remember how this was so very reminiscent of the days when I first started JC. What eventually happened? You know, Julyn, you know. 

This isn't the only thing that I fear, however. It's all the people in my life as well. I'm at this extremely insecure stage of my life right now, and while I don't like it, I don't have a choice but to force myself to like this routine. It's mundane, it's draining, but it's all I have. And with this insecurity brought about by this stage of life, there are many other things I'm fearful of as well. Chu is one. I fear that something will tear us apart. I fear we'll be stretched thin and I fear that someday, we'll just tire of each other. But despite all these fears, this relationship is probably the one thing that defies this whole 'temporary' vibe I'm feeling right now. I hope so, at least. 

And my friends. Those I made in JC, particularly, and those I meet at different phases of my life. What will happen to them? I guess the overly optimistic view would state that ' oh we can all still be friends!', but a more pessimistic (perhaps more realistic) point of view would be ' we will all move on with our lives. ' And the latter makes me sad. But I guess that's something that really cannot be helped, especially while we're all so busy. 

Cheers. 

I don't wanna fight

I can't sleep

Everything I ever knew
Is a lie
Without you

I can't breathe
When my heart is broke in two
There's no beat
Without you

You're not gone, but you're not here
Is that's the way it seems tonight
I know that we can make it right
'Cause baby

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fightin' for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you

I don't wanna have to try

Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

How can I live?

When everything that I adore
And everything I'm livin' for
Girl it's in you

I can't dream
Sleepless nights have got me bad
The only dream I ever had
Is bein' with you

I know that we can make it right
It's gonna take a little time
Lets not leave ourselves with no way out
Lets not cross that line
No

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fightin' for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you

I don't wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

Remember that I made a vow
That I would never let you go
I meant it then, I mean it now
And I want to tell you so

I don't wanna fight no more
(Ohh no)
I forgot what we were fightin' for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you
(Now I don't want to)

I don't wanna have to try
(No)
Girl to live without you in my life
(Life)
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
(Can we start?)
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fightin' for
(Ohh and this loneliness)
And this loneliness that's in my heart
(In my heart)
Won't let me be apart from you
(From you no)

I don't wanna have to try
(Don't wanna try)
Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
(I'm hopin', I'm hopin')
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

So lie
Without you
Without you

This is currently my new favourite song. Old, slow songs somehow appeal to me. 

Goals.

I realise that I've been posting a lot of pretty heavy stuff recently (Strange that the blog viewership is going up though, despite all these continuously emo posts). So here's a little reflective list of things that I'm going to make right now at the start of this new phase of life (I've only been in Uni for 2 weeks anyway). I hope that by the time I graduate in 4 years, nothing would have changed. They're in no particular order, since I'm writing them as and when the thought occurs to me, but I guess that those that occur first are usually the ones that mean more to me than the rest.

1. I will not smoke. 

2. I will not go clubbing and get grinded against by guys. 

3. I want Chu to be the guy I'm still together with.. 

4. I want this close friendship with my god-brother to remain as it is right now even as he enters NS.  

5. I will maintain the level of effort I'm putting into my studies now all through the 4 years. 

6. I will continue having a life. 

7. I will remember that studies is my main goal in Uni.

8. I will not try to be someone I am not. 

9. I will continue to hold dearly to the ones whom mean the most to me. 

10. I will not be taken advantage of. 

11. I will not excessively drink.
12. I will not take drugs ( this one ought to be on top, but it was an afterthought seeing I'd never take them.)

There are many more things that I would have written, but these are the top 10 most important ones. I realize the last few are somewhat arbitrary, but I guess I could live with this list for now. 

Here's to a good(?) 4 years in Uni. 

Beowulf.

A couple of days ago, I had to do an analysis on an Anglo-Saxon poem, Beowulf. And if there's something I took away from having to analysize the old English writing of that poem, it's the notion of beauty and what constitutes beauty in that day and age. How Grendel, this vicious condemned fiend was slain by Beowulf, the great warrior who eventually became the king. Midway though, he was bestowed gifts of gold, precious silver and jewellery for the valour and courage he displayed. It's beautiful because those gifts were considered a status symbol- and those gifts also came with the gift of popularity. But what really struck me was how his actions of bravery earned him so much popularity and admiration- so much so that the poem revolves around him and his actions only, praising him of his power and strength so much so we don't ever get to witness Beowulf's flaws. Rarely do we get to see the rest of the population (which also make up the culture of society back then)- the ones whom have fallen by the wayside in pursuit of Beowulf's fame and glory.

I guess that sometimes I feel a little like the 'rest of the population'. The ones who have fallen by the wayside while attention is showered on Beowulf replicas in society. Who are these replicas in society today?  I'll attempt to superimpose an Anglo Saxon society onto today's culture here- The rich, the famous, and the one point that always gets to me- the physically attractive. The pretty, so to speak. Let's face it- I'm your average Singaporean girl who's meekly toed the 12 year line of education- Primary school secondary school, JC, and now in Uni, and I've seen friends who shoot up to fame, who are blogshop models, actors, who write beauty editorials and who live by basking in the limelight. I don't quite want any of this- I personally find that a little demeaning to females sometimes- but there are times where I wonder what it's like to be in the shoes of those who live in the limelight. Whom everyone shower with praises of ' You're pretty', 'you're amazing' and all. Whom companies sponsor to wear their outfits and promote their makeup brands. Whom are the Beowulfs of today. 

Don't get me wrong. I don't seek to model those girls with shape but no substance. I'm proud of the fact that I made it into a uni, I'm happy that I graduated from a JC and that I somehow survived through the fishing nets of the education system. My best friend has told me to be more confident of my looks ( thank you bro). He's asked me why I don't want to believe him. Chu has told me that I'm good. That I'm decent and I'm pretty. But I don't feel it. And sometimes despite everything everyone says, I have to convince myself that I'm good - not have everyone try to convince me. 

I will be leaving me teen years soon. This is my last teen year. And I have to learn to come to terms with the fact that I will see some of my friend showered in the limelight. That some will go on and have fame plastered on their foreheads. That some will live a life of sponsored comfort and luxury. That some will be a Beowulf, with metaphorical jewels and gold bestowed upon them- that's beauty. But then again, beauty comes in various forms. Some will work hard and do well within their own fields of study. Some will encounter success in business. That's beautiful as well. And finally (and personally), I have to do my best in whatever I do, as well as convince myself that I'm good. That essentially, everyone has a Beowulf in them. That warrior that is willing to break forth and fight when the right time comes. 

I'll end on this note then. To my best guy friend, I say thank you for staying by me, and all the best for NS. You've cheered me up a great deal by just being there for me. To my Uni friends I say, thank you for accepting me (for now) for the person I am. And lastly, to Chu, who's been with me for more than a year now, and for putting up with me despite my flaws. 

I love you all, and for showing me that the true Beowulf lies not solely within the Anglo Saxon society, but also within each and every one of us. 

Conclusion.

You know, I never actually thought that you were a bad person. I searched for your rationale behind your motives, I actually believed in seeking the good in everyone. But there was something blatant about yours, about the way you handled the situation, about the way you spoke that evoked a backlash. Perhaps you never intended it, or perhaps even if you did intend it, that you'd never intended to carry it out. I don't know, and I won't know at all right now. A part of me longs to find out, to mend the sour ties that we ended things on. I hated the way we ended things, but I had no choice, and I don't regret it, because I was left ( or rather, you left me) with no other option. It must have been a case of extreme deja vu for you, having seen it happen once before and now again. 

But a part of me ( a more rational, perhaps) side of me knows that to venture into such areas would be to open a can of worms. You could say that I'm happy with the status quo- that we refrain from contact, that we acknowledge that each exists but speak no further on the topic- it has given me much peace and much freedom in the past few weeks. But you could also say that the happiness is diluted, diluted by the tinge of sadness that rears it's head every now and again when your name pops up on Facebook, on Twitter or on Instagram. The sadness that speaks, "we needn't have ended it this way, but I had no choice." The sadness upon realising that we started off so well, versus the situation we both are in currently. I hate losing friendships, I really do. Sometimes I wish we hadn't. But at other times I think that cutting off ties was the best way to prove my resolution and my limit. 

This isn't a note of apology. Neither am I asking you to begin your contact with me again. For the better, rather than worse, and despite the tinges of sadness, it's best to keep things as they are right now. I don't know how you may feel upon reading this (if you ever do read it). I don't even know what you may think of me now. You never struck me as overly reflective, anyway. And I'd rather not know, in any case. Ignorance is bliss sometimes. 

In any case, you're enlisting soon. I hope that matures you and turns you into a better person, from the one I currently know, because, despite having 2 extremely similar incidents, you may/may not have learnt your lesson. All the best. You'll need it, and cheers. 

Time capsule

Couple of minutes ago, I was reading an excerpt from Jamaica Kincaid's A Small Place, which are my readings for this week. And midway while scribbling down what I thought of the tone ( mocking and condescending). it suddenly struck me- how little control we have over our lives. Where we go, what we do, what our future holds. It suddenly seems rather ethereal... and to some extent, disturbing.

Why I say this is because, well, this is only the 2nd week and I'm already drained from the whole university culture and workload. I don't see myself going anywhere, I don't see what I'm going to do with a degree in English (well no, maybe I could do a lot of things but that would all depend on how hard I'm going to work.) I don't know how I'm going to survive this mess but I'll have to survive it, somehow. The thought of having 4 years of this is extremely demoralizing right now.

Maybe it's because I'm still adjusting. I hope it's because I'm still adjusting. I remember how I had this exact sentiments when I first started work back then. I remember how I dreaded work and how I absolutely didn't know how I was going to survive the 3 months. But I did, I forced myself to enjoy it, and 3 months flew by quickly. Strange to think about how I look back on this with a fondness I never thought I'd possess when I first started.

I hope Uni will mimic work in this aspect, whereby I eventually grow to love it as much as I did work, although uni will be a much longer duration. Right now, I'm hoping, I'm praying, that everything will work out. That the friends I've made will still be my friends when I don that mortar board and graduation gown in 2017. That I will graduate with the Honours I want. That I get a 4.5 and above GPA. That my research projects, my role as a leader of 10 for my elective and my studies will progress smoothly. The list is endless. And there's only so much control I have other this. Who's to know if my professor will hate me and mark me down? Who's to know if my group will grow to hate me as a leader and make my life difficult? Who's to know... who's to know. I can continue forever.

(I remember when I first began JC1. The friends that I made in JC1 never eventually became my close friends. And I'm fearing that this will happen again. Especially if I have no means of doing something about it. I'm insecure and I'm afraid, but I have no other choice than soldier on. )

In other news, one of my closest and best friends will be enlisting next month. I will miss his presence as an older brother and a confidante to me. A lot. But then again, that, I don't have control over.

Maybe that's why religion exists. Because we, as humans, need a form of respite, a form of escape for the choices we have to make in life. Because we, as humans, feel the need to "blame" (I'm using this for lack of a better term right now) someone else for the things that happen in our life. Because we, as humans, are proud and cannot always accept that we are wrong and that we have to be responsible for the mistakes we make. Sometimes I wonder if religion was therefore mankind's own make- very agnostic thinking, I know- supported sometimes by a lit book I read back in JC; Tess of the D'Ubervilles, where Tess's parents were portrayed as rather immature adults (I'm not going to quote from the book here, this is a blog, not a lit essay) for their devout religious faith. But of course, this is, literally, my form of Random Access Memory, and to someone else this could probably just pass off as a childish little girl talking. I am a Christian afterall, I believe in God and that Jesus came down to earth and died for our sins- but to say this now would probably make me look like a giant irony. I don't know. These are after all, just my thoughts, because sometimes I find that with such little control over our lives, what we can control is actually negligible. There must be God, and there must be Him who is all-seeing and all powerful. And that whatever control we have is considered rather meaningless. But then again, we are, afterall, given the ultimate decision as to whether or not we want to believe in God or not, so how much control we have would be determined by perspective, I suppose.

I'm not quite sure if this whole post is cohesive, but I'll just leave it as it is right now. I don't intend to offend or insult- merely to voice my thoughts aloud. I don't know how this post turned into a purging of my thoughts, because I initially intended for this to be a post about Uni and how my friend would be enlisting. But in any case, I'm confused and worried and rather fearful. Perhaps this mish-mash of thoughts in this post is the result.

Memoranda

odules, GERPES, UEs, S/Us, etc. It's the first time I'm exposed to such terminologies but within the past 4 days I've learnt one thing - not to underestimate admin work. Because the admin work needed for uni is huge and the adjustments we freshmen need to undergo emotionally and psychologically are definitely no less.

But I have to get used to it, I know. Today marks the start of my first year in NTU. After saying the NTU pledge, wearing that academic gown (?) as odd as it may sound, did it's part in allowing us to feel sort of welcome. Then there were loads of talks, and loads more messages to take away. But one thing remained clear and that was the fact that we needed to balance our time and opportunities. No doubt it's going to be different and difficult. I feel it already. It's a tad bit tiresome to have to keep remaking friends and force myself to be independent where I once could somewhat rely on others. Force myself to adapt, no matter the difficulty, because if others can, why can't I? It's just another phase of life.

But - I'm sure I'm not the only one to admit this, - I hate change. I like the simple comfortable life I used to live, knowing what would happen and having some sort of plan. My job was a good example. Having left it for coming 2 weeks already, I still remember that place fondly, the people (despite whatever may have happened) the things I learnt there. In a way, it was a short getaway from having to worry about uni, but I can't escape forever. Even going to Taiwan after I stopped work was merely a temporary respite.
I'd still have to face uni eventually, no matter how much I dread having to adapt to this new change. But I know myself, I know that I tend to cling onto the last phase I was in and wish it'd last longer. Sometimes when I'm alone, my mind inevitably drifts towards work, towards the counting of those vouchers, to going for lunch with Nigel and Daniel, and to the parts I loved the most, having time to talk to them after lunch and after work. To the times we'd head home together, to the times they'd spend teasing me about being an alien. I can't seem to let that go - not that I want to - and sometimes reliving those memories provides a form of stress relief during this uni adjusting period. I don't know why I do that, but I do it all the same. Maybe it's because I liked the stability of work. Maybe it's because I was happy with the company of friends I had there. Anything.

I'd like thank 2 people though. Chu is one. That goes without saying. For being there for me, for doing all you can despite being stuck in camp and ndp, for trying to understand my situation, for caring about my health and welfare. You're a vital part of my life I can't miss.
The second person is, well, someone who is special to me too. I shan't mention names because I don't want to incur jealousy, but this person has been around a lot for me too. For promising to stay in touch, for promising to try and cheer me up. For being the good god brother I never had. I wish you'd understand that this means a lot to me, because these words don't always come easily for others. As we move on with other parts of life, I hope we remain in touch, and that we remain as close as we are right now. I hope this friendship  makes it through the various life stages. And I hope that I'm not being overly optimistic here as well. It's been great knowing you. I appreciate your little acts of concern much more than you'd imagine. Thank you.

So I guess, time for some heads up, chin up motivation. Uni begins next week.
Let's do this.

Choices.

So, it's the woman's fault for being female. It's the woman's fault for working in a male dominated department. It's the woman's fault that the males must fall for her. The woman must be blamed for having the males fall for her even as she observes complete professionalism.

So much injustice indeed.

It isn't my fault, and I know that well and true. Call me opinionated if you so wish, but it's my form of quiet independence that no one can take from me. I definitely have the right to choose what, and with whom I request favours. I refuse to be shunted into doing something against my will and what I know is right. I have the choice.

But sometimes, my choices are tested. They're tested because I trust too easily, I trust too much, and again and again, I pay the price. My frustration at myself lies in my inability to learn from this betrayal. Friends have back stabbed me, betrayed me, hurt me and yet all I do is to forgive them repeatedly. Maybe I really am a forgiving person, but what if I'm forgiving those people out of pride for having trusted someone whom I shouldn't have? I've been grappling with this problem since time immemorial, but it's only recently that I'm starting to see how see how my independence, my choice and most of all, my trust in others are being tested.

In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have trusted so easily. Maybe I shouldn't have naively believed his words that he'd never use what I told him against me. Right from the start, I should have been wary. I should have done what instincts told me to do. For 2 months , I was tested, and for 2 months, I was hurt. And I did something few other girls would have done - nothing. I let it continue. Because I promised, I couldn't speak of these issues to anyone. I was confused, fearful and uncertain. I didn't know what I said would trigger another tirade of anger. I forgave and I hoped he'd change. Time and again, I'd see some positive change, only for it to regress. I don't even know if it was harassment. It could have been.
And I thought that when I left, things would end. But it didn't and it got worse. Today, I'm still scared and I'm still worried. I have no one to turn to and I can't even breathe a word. Not even to those who care, apart from chu, because I promised. Even when it's suffocating and I long to talk to someone about it. This bottling is killing me slowly.

I've rarely been so stressed, and I rarely feel like breaking down so badly. I wish I could do something, anything, that would resolve this, but because the problem doesn't lie with me, I can't do anything. I could have left, I could have just gone and completely cut ties altogether but I'm not mean enough to do that. Sometimes I feel my determination and ability to withstand all this nonsense is working to my disadvantage. I don't know.

It's not my fault though. And I know this for sure. It's not something I did or said wrong. The issue doesn't lie with me. Tonight was possibly the first time I fought back, and I fought back with a tenacity I never knew I had. I was just so frustrated, so angry, so annoyed with bottling everything up, so tired of putting on a front, so tired of all the petty shouting. Tonight, I think someone saw through my veneer. Tonight, someone saw my frustration. And it isn't my fault. Don't blame me. Don't control me. Don't demand my exclusive attention.
You have no right.
And the choices are mine to make. Even the choice of keeping you as a friend.

Work experience 2- NTUC

So yesterday was my last day of work with NTUC Fairprice Finance. It was also the last time I'd walk through those glassdoors, use the 'thank you' finger print machine and tap my trusty entry pass that's been giving me staff discounts at the office canteen. 

It was also the last time I'd see my colleagues within the work place. In a way, it was a soulful, sad parting, because after having learnt so much about each other, leaving the work place was harder than it should have been. I gave out a couple of chocolate bars to those who were closest to me- Zul, Nigel, Daniel, Big Sister Joan and Aunty Jennifer(my supervisor) with personalised notes attached. I wasn't expecting a flood of gifts to come back though- a slice of cheese cake (baked by Aunty Jennifer) and a lovely pen stylus (also from aunty), a box of Dove chocolate rolls from Zul, a bottle of M and Ms and 2 energy fruit bars from Nigel and 3 Hershey's kisses from Daniel. It was touching. 

I spent the rest of the day rushing through my work trying to finish as many vouchers as I could, before heading down for lunch for the last time with Nigel and Daniel. (Zul was fasting.) We headed back to the office and took some pictures with the rest of the office members, then worked till knock-off time. I guess that's where it really hit me- that I'd be seeing everything here for the last and final time. Daniel gave me a brotherly hug just before he left, then I headed down for dinner with Zul and Nigel at NEX. I desperately needed to hold back tears, for the better or worse. 

This whole work experience taught me a lot though. Apart from the fact that my math improved, I learnt how to converse well within a workplace and how to remain a cordial professionalism with my colleagues. No where else have I learnt how to control my feelings and my emotions- I've come close to snapping many a time but eventually pulled myself together. The discipline and all was something I got used to as well, eventually, because I had to adhere to the strict regimes and the need to maintain utmost efficiency. From counting, to stamping, to removing defected vouchers, to sorting supplier coupons, to rushing UStretch vouchers- everything.

I wouldn't have been able to accomplish all these without the help of my colleagues though. To Zul, I say, thank you for those little jokes we share at the workplace, those little gifts of food when you know I need them, and thanks for usually being a cheerful, happy person. To Nigel, thanks for being who you are, for always having that ready smile, for always thinking of my needs and for being a close friend of mine. To Daniel, thanks for always being friendly and for being the only person I can relate any JC stuff with, as well as for those times you've cheered me up with your positive attitude. Thanks to all 3 of you, for teasing me in jest for being an 'alien', for not judging me, and for allowing me to be who I am. You all have impacted me in ways I cannot imagine.

Finally, to my supervisor, thank you for always being so utterly patient with me, for my lack of proficiency with Excel, for my little slip-ups and for always being so cheerful. I couldn't have asked for a better supervisor, and your help has indeed gone a long way. It has also been much appreciated. 

Thus ends another phase of my life at work. First PCF Sengkang West, now this. That's 2 phases of work life I've had as I begin my final preparations for Uni life (which will be vastly different from this I daresay). In short, thank you NTUC Fairprice, for all you've done for me. It's been a very fulfilling and eye-opening journey with you. To my friends, I love you all. Let's stay in touch.

Today's the 15th of July, a Monday. I handed in my resignation form today.
And as of today, I have exactly 4 more days and 1 hour or so left before I end yet another phase of my life at NTUC Fairprice Finance.

I think I blogged about it before, but I'm going to say it again - the feeling is.. Overwhelmingly sad. And my mood fluctuates so drastically at work because of this; I want to end this mundane job, yet I can't bear to leave all the people behind...

At the same time, however, there are periods of time I felt the pressure to just drop everything and leave. I knew there were times I hated everything - the pain, the anger, the hurt, the injustice. Everything. Pressure nearly forced me to quickly earlier than expected, especially since I couldn't do anything about this pressure. I couldn't resist it, neither could I fight it headlong. It was trouble in every form of the word, and yet I pulled through it, somehow.

I'm going to miss everyone, I know. And ironically, it's not a case of 'despite the pain and hurt', but rather, 'because of the pain and hurt', I'd miss them more than usual.

Especially since we're all going to begin new phases of our lives.

Time is literally flying past. It's going to be 2 months since I began working with NTUC Fairprice, and while it hasn't always been a bed of roses, I can't say that I never had fun. I've had my fun times, and along with it, times when I want to yank my hair out because results simply don't tally.

There's not much I really want to say, except for the fact that well, I'll miss these people when I leave. I rarely meet such non judgemental people, and when I do, I realise that they're people worth keeping. But the reality is that sometimes it's difficult. It takes effort, and not always is effort put in.

Oh, and that Raj, the newest guy, is leaving, in place of another new guy coming in tomorrow. It's no affecting me, but I don't like change. Then again, no one does, right?

I need to be more cautious, and be more alert, I feel. Not everyone out there is out to catch me, but not everyone has good intentions either. I miss when life was simple. When things were decided for me, actually. When things weren't all so complicated and messy. And I'm praying everyday that I make peace with myself and especially others. To care, to love, and to hope.

Just a little reflection.

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don’t sound the same
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down
Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name
It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should ‘ve bought you flowers And held your hand
Should ‘ve gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby’s dancing, but she’s dancing with another man.

MY PRIDE , MY EGO , MY NEEDS , AND MY SELFISH WAYS,
Caused a GOOD STRONG WOMAN like you to walk out my life
Now I NEVER , NEVER get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes.
It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should ‘ve bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should ‘ve gave you all my hours when I had the chance.
Take you to every party
Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby’s dancing, but she’s dancing with another man.

Although it hurts, I’ll be the first to say that I was wrong.
Oh, I know I’m probably much too late,
To try and apologize for my mistakes But I just want you to know
I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Gives you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should ‘ve done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should ‘ve done
When I was your man.

-When I was your man, Bruno Mars -

I don't want to be overly melodramatic here. But this song really makes me tear. Especially when it still hurts so badly. It hurts worse when I've tried, and it isn't noticed. When I'm shot down with malicious bullets.
I never thought, and I never knew. I guess it doesn't matter that he once said he'll never give me up. It doesn't matter anymore. Mess up somemore ju, and reality will have you rubbing your nose in the dirt.
Blind faith, blind trust. Just force yourself, even if you kill yourself trying, force yourself. Shut up, and be the good girlfriend he deserves. No more hatred, no more spite.
I have this one last chance.
I'll have nothing left if I blow it.
This is so reminiscent, I swear, but I know I'll do anything. Even if I die, even if I go mad.
I'll do anything.

I love it, and I hate it. And the reasons why I love it are the exact same reasons why I hate it. I never thought it was possible, but for the first time ever, I'm feeling myself trapped in a situation where I don't have a choice.
I was told that I was overly friendly, and sometimes yes, I admit to that statement. But other times I remain adamant because I know I do not do so on purpose.
Is it my fault then? I don't think so. I don't have control over what happens, more so over how they feel. Yet why do I feel this sense of heaviness? Like something out there is pinning the blame on me and that I'm unwilling to fight back? What frightens me most is if I actually am happy with it, because knowing as such is a immense morale booster. It's wrong, and I know it, and I need another confidence booster. Or better still, the day I don't need a booster at all.
But what if this all isn't? What if I was over thinking ;What if I'm not even pin pointing the problem; what if I don't understand myself at all? This is an issue which , I'm sure, I wouldn't be facing only now. This will be an issue in uni, and as I see it, for the rest of my life.
The thought is morbidly disturbing.

Monday would be my third week with the company.
It's fast. It really is. And I'm only saying this because time can only fly quicker if you're having fun. It's probably a far cry from the first day, but despite some upheavals, I'm glad to say that I'm actually starting to like this job. Love it, hopefully.

The abrupt change in opinion though, you may wonder, would be attributed not so much to my work, but rather, to the 2 people whom I work with. This post will be largely dedicated to them for having made my job a little easier to cope with (let's hope I'm not jumping the gun here).
So the first one would be Zul, my immediate coworker, colleague or best known as my 'bro'. He's been there longer than I have, and is therefore more experienced both in terms of the job culture and nature. Job-wise, I've been relying a lot on him to help me out especially when I occasionally mess up and when I'm unsure about stuff. But beyond the job scope, he's the craziest, most 'bull-shitty' guy I've met, the one who cracks the most insanely inappropriate/awkward jokes to cheer me up when I'm stressed from keeping the values tallied, and one who brightens my entire working day by evoking a smile from me despite the stress I face.

The second one would be Nigel. I don't work directly with him, because we're technically from different departments, though we sit just a couple of metres from each other. However, despite speaking to him largely only during lunch hours, I'm grateful for his ready smile, and his quieter (but no less 'bull-shitty') demeanor that plays a part in lightening my spirits whether both he and Zul get together and toss rubber bands at each other (I join in, of course :P)

On a more serious note, however, I don't deny that we've never had issue, but as for me, I'm praying, hoping, that whatever may have occurred prior to my coming may have been resolved. And it seems so, thankfully. I dare not hope for too much, and I most certainly don't want to open a can of worms. I can't afford to lose either one of them, because well, the effects of that would be horrendous. I hope I haven't been too presumptuous here, neither do I want to sound too hopeful, but for once, this job certainly seems to be a bright one for me. I'm hoping it will last. Despite being an arts student and that the  constant calculations needed when tallying the number of vouchers drive me insane.

Love yall, and my kind supervisor too. Thanks for making my job a better one.

The transitioning.

I've officially begun work at the finance department of ntuc fair price, and things seem to be finally stabilising. It's been one rather hectic week, and while I must admit that the transition from having absolutely nothing to do at home to having to rush out the counting of vouchers was a difficult one, I couldn't have expected anything less than what I'm currently experiencing. I'm currently thanking God for having blessed me with a caring supervisor and some nice workmates whom I'd be spending the rest of my time there with. That, plus having the privilege of listening to music and eating whatever I want out of my drawer. It's a refreshing experience, and while sometimes I really dread work ( like now), I've got to admit that it's better that what I hoped for.

Sometimes though, I miss my days at the kindergarten. Not because I miss screaming at children, but rather because I felt that whatever talents I have were at least, well, being appreciated. I was given the opportunity to draw (for the children) and I was honoured when others asked me to help proof read their work. In a way, I was happy because despite the crazy schedule and being drained the entire day, I was appreciated, and the children were happy. Down here, it's a man's world (not like anywhere else isnt) and it's all math related - not my forte. And I fall short in many areas, not just because I'm an arts student, but also because I'm a girl and because I lack experience where others (like my cowokers) don't. It's marginalising sometimes, and it hurts, but I've learnt to swallow it because, after all, I've got very little opportunities to prove myself. I can't do mental sums as well as the other 2 engineering / mechengineering guys, and I lack in exp and strength where they both excel. It's sad.

They're nice people though. I'm glad that I get along with them, despite having vastly different backgrounds, and it's thanks to them that my working environment is a little better. Perhaps it's the fact that I can look forward to seeing them and talking nonsense that helps me get through the day.

I'm dreading the coming week now though. Today marks the last Saturday I'll see Chu because he'll be down for Ndp duty. Even Saturday till 9th August, and that's when I begin uni. I'm probably quitting beginning July, from the looks of it, so I get to spend a little more time preparing myself/spend time with him before the workload piles up from uni.

In any case, there's nothing much I can do now. There's 2 months to clear at work, and then there's uni. It's intimidating, and I'm not quite sure if I'm going to look forward to it.

And as always, they have a reason for saying growing up is tough.
Ah well. Mind over matter.

Again, it's been a while since I've blogged. But in the short span of time, quite a lot of things have happened/are happening. Let's see...

1. I got invited by NTU to study a BA Honours in English Lit! I couldn't believe it actually. Well granted that it wasn't my first choice- I really, badly wanted to study psychology- but having a degree in lit wouldn't be bad either. In fact, it may open up a lot of opportunities for me. Perhaps I could do teaching ( and become another Mrs Low in the process HAHA; the thought is mildly entertaining), or any other English related jobs in the future. Then again, I'm still in the process of waiting for other offers from other Unis, so let's see if NUS or SMU come back with positive offers(:

2. I've started sessions with Adrian with regard to .. some matters. I just realised that the incident that occurred back in Sec 4 wasn't fully healed, and I guess that Chu was right in saying I needed some closure. Except that right now, Adrian is telling me that if I wanted to truly revisit it, he'd refer me elsewhere. The idea seems close to revolting for now, but I understand that he means well, so.. I'll think about it sometime in the future. As of now, it's cathartic talking to him because it does provide some form of relief- something I've been searching for for a long time. He speaks some measure of truth, and despite the pride I originally had, I have to admit that he's right, and that some things I need to pay heed to. It's odd I guess, to find someone who I actually trust this much to reveal that many things about myself. Someone who's had more experience that I do. And whatever veneer I originally possessed disappeared when I decided to trust him. With my life, metaphorically.

3. Chu and I are celebrating our 12th month tomorrow- that's one year, finally! :D Well, the actual date's the 14th of May, but he'll be at the range then, so I guess the weekend's our only way of celebrating it. It's strange how we've come such a long way, changed and moulded for each other in ways I never imagined when we first started out. We began as an insecure, unsteady pair and I'm happy to say we're a lot happier now, more secure(hopefully) and more relaxed around each other.

4. I'm beginning work again on Monday as an admin assistant in Fairprice Finance. Finally, after.. 2 months of rest. I need to get my head working again before Uni. In a way, I can't wait to begin work. To live an active life and to actively participate in a working environment again.

I want to write something here but it's just too complicated to explain and describe.
All I know is that sometimes I don't think I did anything to deserve this. To be emotionally disregarded for 19 years of my life. Sometimes I feel like I've lived with it long enough because it's bad enough that there's no escape route for me now. I can't do anything, and though I'm 19, there's no saying when I'll eventually leave this mess.

I used to think it was normal- now I don't because the more I'm subjected to it, the more ridiculous I think it is. No one treats their daughter like that. No one would subject their daughter to emotional abuse like that either- and I'm serious because I'd much rather have taken physical abuse than emotional ones. And I've been taught to believe that I'm lucky because rarely has anyone inflicted physical abuse on me. But now that I think about it, I'd much rather have it physical because the effects are far mor short-lived.

Something is wrong and I know it. It been too long. I need to stop it affecting me someway or other.

Heartspeaks

As far as I remember, I've never done so much to keep something before.
I've crossed limits, fought obstacles and strained myself to the limit to keep this. I've fought everyone from my friends to my family for this.

Yet all I get at least once a week is pain and swollen eyes. Sometimes I don't know what happened and what changed that caused this massive upheaval. It didn't use to be like that. It used to be much happier and less heartache.
Sometimes i feel shortchanged. Like the relationship I expected and hoped for isn't what it is anymore. It's becoming a diluted version of what used to make me happy and excited each time I knew I could see him after school and all. I know it can't all be his fault, but sometimes it annoyed me how he didn't inform me of all his family commitments and all that earlier, and only try to add them in later after I've started to get used to having our relationship without that much of it.
Yet I know it can't all be his fault because maybe I've become complacent too. Things I knew were once a luxury are now a need, like him spending time with me every weekend. I still remember how he struggled to have more time with me in the beginning of our r/s before he enlisted- now it's as if he's no longer trying as hard. It made me happy that he was trying to spend time with me. Now Its something I feel is becoming a thing of the past.
I don't know what the issue is anymore. Maybe it's all my fault that I've become complacent. That despite all the things I've given up for him- friends( I mean, the were fake friends anyway, right?) and approval from my family( because I've never had a perfect relationship with all my family members to begin with anyway ya?) it's still not enough. I need to push and force myself to give up more, and at the same time pressure myself into accept the present, no matter how much I miss the past. I need to make sure that I'm better than his ex in every possible way.
I don't know if that's enough, but I certainly hope so.
God, please don't forsake me. Not now. I'm praying that this will be a long term thing because I actually hope that it'll work out.

' You're my alpha and omega,
The beginning and the end,
You're behind me, You're before me,
You're forever my friend.
Wherever I go, whatever I do,
Jesus is my source and my goal.'

I haven't heard this hymn in a long time, because the last time I sung it was some 3 years ago when I was in IJ.
But maybe I do need it now. I need it if I want to go on. If I want to keep this up.
Because 'You're behind me, You're before me, You're forever my friend.'

So in the time between this post and the last, a couple of things happened that I want to address. Or rather, make note of. 

A Level results Day; 1st March 2013

I'll skip right to it- I did better than expected. Why? Because the teachers never had a very high opinion of me in the first place and expected me to score Ds and Es. So when it turned out that I scored Bs and Cs, the teachers received a fairly big shock, presumably. Or rather, what I gleaned from seeing my ELL teacher's reaction. She smiled at me for what was probably the first time in my life. And as it turned out, I scored the best for her subject. I'm a little disappointed though, for some reason. Although I really don't have a reason to be. I jumped more than 55 UES points and I know for a fact that only the very best got As and Bs. And I've never been the best. That, and even students the teachers expected would do well got the same grade as me. 

I don't have a reason to be upset, really.

Last day of work at PCF Sengkang West; 28th Feb 2013

28th Feb marked the last day of work at the kindergarten, PCF Sengkang West. That's the class of Cherry 1 in the photo, the K1 class for which I've been in charge of these past 2 months. This was the very first class I was introduced to when I first started working at the centre. And as much as it was a new experience for me, I can't say the same about them- they are, after all, the class which graduated (or at least, for a majority of them) from nursery. 

I recall writing a work-related post sometime back, and I'll say that my sentiments don't change. The last day was no less arduous than my first day, although I have to say that it got a lot better 2 weeks before I officially ended because a new teacher joined the centre and took over Cherry 1. I spent the weeks before that teaching the children the letters of the alphabet, and in retrospect I think I could have been a little more patient with them. But its rewarding to see them happy though, when they finally understand. Looking back on this photo I regret not taking a picture with my other class, Peach 1, which was another K1 class who joined Cherry 1 midday. I remember giving all of them pencils and erasers on my last day ( this photo was actually taken immediately after I gave out the pencils and erasers- probably the reason why the kids looked so happy) and this little girl called Fatin ran up to me, gave me a hug and told me that she'd miss me. It's times like these that make me feel that the effort I've put into the kids is worth it. It's rewarding.

My kids and I; K1 Class Cherry 1

And this photo here was a incomplete (sadly) staff photo taken after lessons ended that day at 5. From left, that's Mrs Lee-the centre principal, Viola, Teacher Tabs, Teacher Shikin, myself, Wu Lao Shi, Teacher Dharshiny, Teacher Sally and Teacher Jennifer. The teachers there (with the exception of Viola and myself who are both relief teachers) taught the kindergarten. The childcare teachers aren't in this photo.        

I guess I don't really have much to say because it's my first paying job, my first time contributing to CPF, and I can count myself lucky that the staff was friendly to me even though I made a lot of mistakes in the course of my teaching. I'm grateful to them for being supportive, and for helping me understand the psychology of a child better. It'll be great if I could do something education related in the future, though, then again, that will depend on my degree.
As for all those who've helped me so much in this 2 month journey, I say thank you, and thanks also for the memories. You've taught me so much about myself in the process of caring for the children and given me much invaluable advice, PCF Sengkang West.

Staff members of the kindergarten!