I'm back.

Alright. So I haven't written in this blog for... what, months, literally. And honestly speaking, I don't even know why I chose to revert back to using this stale blog I've never even bothered to upkeep. Perhaps it's because I'm looking for an outlet for stress relief. Perhaps I'm tired of explaining, withholding, and admitting. But whatever the reason, I know, for one thing, that despite having to hid behind a facade, I'll have to push on, to keep going forward, because there isn't an alternative route to peace.

Well I've got no choice. One thing I know is that no matter how much I want to end my pain, the damage is done and I can't look back. No, not now. Ju, you've got to be strong, firm up your resolve and keep your head high despite the treacherous waters. No one said it was going to be easy. And it helps when you have genuine friends on your side. They shake the sense into you when you don't see any, tell you to wake up when you're asleep in your fairytale, and counsel you when you're lost.

Except that I feel I've overdone the last bit. I don't know, I hope I haven't caused problems to my friends. I see them trying so hard for me that it becomes absolutely wicked and detestable if I were to continue being down. My friends have problems of their own, and the last thing I want to do is to burden them. No, you can't be selfish. Get the hell up, live your own life, because ultimately, life's about carving your future and your present, forever keeping in mind the potholes of your past and the painful memories for which a lesson must be learnt. No one's going to carve that path for you- perhaps your friend might lend you a hand with a spade or two but the effort has got to come from ourselves. We carve our own paths.

You carve your own path too. Yes, for a while, we might have shared paths- we helped each other and created what we then naively thought would be our future. But after emotional pain, hurt and abuse, our paths must diverge. We'll each be alone again- not because of fate, not because of luck, but because it's for the good of the future.

I can feel myself getting frustrated- not because of what has happened but because of what I'm feeling. I'm confused. I'm guilty of feeling this way, because I know I shouldn't be, and I'm disgusted at myself for feeling this way as well. Some things aren't just possible. No, not now. I need time to work things out. I'm tired of all the pain.

Reflection aside, I guess that has got to be the breakthrough at last in my JC life- because for the 1st time ever, I've hit a high B for my Lit essay. Reminiscing the times where A was an easy feat, I'd laugh at my own ignorance, blinded by the contempt and smug satisfaction. That was in secondary school. I've changed now. Forced to accept the way of life. Forced to grow up and mature. Forced to change for the better. And I don't regret it. Because change is the only constant in life, as cliche as it seems. Had I not experienced all I had these past 2 years, I would never have had my eyes opened, never had seen past tomorrow, and never had the chance to change.