Why do I feel so alone in this crowd of laughing happy people? I get asked that a lot. Or rather, by Chu. But the reasons are pretty simple, I think. I don't feel safe here. I feel like they are going to eat me up like a pack of wolves. I don't feel needed, I feel outcast, and I feel plain odd. 

I can't wait for Chu to go overseas though. Maybe that'll be my best time to shine. I don't know. Something about how he and my pastor was discussing that I need to be able to live without Chu annoys me. Or rather, annoys my pride. What do you mean by that statement- you think I can't stand by myself in church? Really? I think you're mistaken. I have intuition that perhaps you don't have, and as a result I'm not as dense as *others* when it comes to figuring out a group of dangerous people. These people are dangerous, to me. Fish don't see the water they swim in, apparently. 

I hate how you're so well-liked in there. And I can't while you constantly overshadow me. I need my own identity, and while you shroud me I will never get a chance to shine among these people whom, despite being dangerous, I can probably fit in. I'm chameleon by nature so why is this failing me now? Maybe it's my innate fear that you will always be better than me, socially. I can't stand that idea. I absolutely cannot stand it. 

If there's one thing I cannot understand, its people who cannot appreciate silence. Who find an incessant need for conversation even where conversation appears unnecessary or worse still, inappropriate. Perhaps my introverted nature has influenced my thinking, because I think that silence is the best time for self reflection. Not the mundane, trivial, everyday occurrences, but about how we seek to live life, what we hope to achieve and why we are doing this particular thing during this particular phase of life. The reflection I find that comes with silence, and only silence, allows us to realign our priorities and fixate ourselves on what we first set out to achieve. These silent reflections have allowed me to realise that I deviate a lot from my goals. Without having a direction for thought, my mind simply drifts, and I find myself veering towards thoughts that hinder on the questioning of my own purpose, what I am doing, for example, with this course in Literature, and what I hope to achieve from it. It is possibly also this silence that I realise that our minds deceive us into obtaining a lesser goal which we believe has as much potential as the greater, original goal we first intended. Silence has allowed me to realise that due to my own weakness of the mind, I don't have the courage to pursue to dream I first intended- the greater, original goal I wanted.

If anything, a person who takes pleasure in constant chatter is depriving himself a chance at self reflection, whereby the need for talk has, in fact, tricked the mind into accepting that peace is elevated during chatter, that the exchange of words and thoughts in fact help one to identify with himself and find his true goals. But I disagree, not because I disrespect these people, but because I think that by sharing goals and thoughts with someone, we become confused as to what our goals- the untainted, purest form of the goals that crystalise when we self-reflect- are, as they intermingle and mix with the desires and wants of others. What becomes ours, becomes theirs, and what we wholeheartedly wanted, originally, and for ourselves, is lost in the process. Sometimes the losing of our intimate goals is not just because of the intermingling that occurs during conversation, but also because I think that our desires and thoughts are not always meant to be translated into words, and meaning is lost when attempting to communicate it to another. The perils of a conversation- what these people who indulge in constant chatter do not realise they are losing. Because there comes a time where words cannot express our desires, where words hinder our ability to hold on to those pure, untainted goals we first had. Where the attempt to reconfigure those thoughts into words would ultimately result in the ruination and corruption of our personal dreams. 

I honestly hate how I cannot seem to love myself.
I don't. I do the worst things to harm myself, and it makes me happy. If I don't sleep and others tell me that I need rest and tell me so, I will relish the attention and it's back to torturing myself. The same goes with eating or with anything that is basically a human function. I deprive myself of it till I'm sick and out and down and I don't know why.
Maybe I need to love myself first. Maybe I need to be alone first. Love myself when no one else loves me- only then I will learn? I don't know.
I'm crying typing this out.
So many people care for me. Yet I can't reciprocate, I'm stuck in this glass dome where I can't reach out and touch the lives of others who are caring for me. Chu cares a lot for me but I don't know how to reciprocate. So does my best bro friend. But I can't do anything. Maybe Chu yes, because I'm simply sick of torturing myself in front of him. But not for my friend. It's like I lose all ability to care for myself when someone cares for me.
I can't care unconditionally, and I don't know how to care. I can't stand it and I hate myself for this so badly.
I don't even know myself and I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I don't get it. Is it a psychological condition? I don't know. I don't even dare to find out.
F.M.L. I swear.
I mean, I have a good understanding of what I am and who I am and what matters to me, but I just can't love.
I don't know how to care for my own physical needs. I'm 19, and I don't know.
What's this.
I got this off a website - "

• Learning to take loving action for yourself regarding your emotional and physical health, your financial health, your time and space and your interactions with others." 

I can easily say I don't do any of that. I put others before myself, I don't do a good job caring for my physical health (the number of times I've already crossed the boundaries is more than telling), and as for time and space and interactions with others, well, I'm "chameleon-istic" in nature, I just adapt. To others. Does that mean I'm not certain of myself? I'm not sure. 

In any case, if anything, yes I will begin to prioritise myself first. Just because my friend wants a shopping buddy to hang out with doesn't mean I can't say no. Or- classic- if I have exams, I can choose not to go to church because I need to study. 

Why do I hate myself so much? I'm my worst enemy- I never even hate anyone as much as I do myself- well maybe except Chu's ex girlfriend- but that aside, yes, I don't. I wish myself the worst, judge, look down and hurt myself. And I never do that to anyone else, because I'm hoping that others will give me the affirmation I need. But it can't be done, right? I have to affirm myself, right?

On another note, I've taken to spamming myself with water when I'm stressed. Which you could say is a good thing.

So much hurt.
I thought you'd have gotten over it.
I did everything I could for you.
And it's not enough.

It's my fault, I guess. I failed.
I stripped away every single bit of my dignity and it still failed.
It's not easy to strip everything away like that. I'm trusting you not to misuse it. I hope my trust isn't misplaced.
Maybe I'm too naive. Or just too damn nice for my own good.
Either way, no one's going to look at it that way. It's all about you, and to you, I've failed. Despite all that I always try to do and have done, I've failed.
At the end of the day, I'm wrong, and you're right. As always.

Let it be then.

So yesterday was a depressing day. In summary, I 

1. realise that SO MUCH for female gamers being encouraged and recognised. Really. 

2. I got my essay back. And went to eat ice cream to cheer myself up after that.

3. I have 2 papers to complete by monday. And I am still blogging. Great.

1. I don't know what's with the chauvinistic male gamers that look down on female ones. It started off with a pair work presentation on reviews ( we picked a game review) we were supposed to present yesterday and my partner fell ill. I don't blame him, he was genuinely sick. But that means that I had to present alone, or find a substitute last minute. I entered class and found out that this other guy was presenting on a game review as well. I was happy, because I thought that he'd be willing to team up with me seeing as we were both doing game reviews anyway. Turns out otherwise, of course. When I asked him if he wanted to pair up he said 'no, go and die. " My reaction was completely... Okay what? Because it was a genuine question I asked him. He went on to say ,"No way I'm never presenting with a girl. I'm chauvinistic like that. You want to do a game review, I'll show you what a real game review is'. 

Thanks man. Or rather, thanks and eff you very much. I don't need your attitude, and I don't need you to show me anything about a game review. I can't believe I still managed to laugh it off as nothing then and even joked with him about other things after. Couple of my friends called him a jerk and a jackass though. I guess that means the hurt I feel is justified. In any case, I still applaud myself for keeping my temper with him. 

And so much for males applauding girls who play. This is probably the first true test of whether or not I really like gaming and I do. Despite whatever guys say about us. 

2. On a better note, I did fairly well for my research paper, considering that I thought I was going to fail miserably. I still went to eat ice cream with a couple of my close friends because we all thought that ice cream would take our minds off things a little. 

3. I'm stressed to snapping. I can't even believe I'm stuck doing this because I feel like I'm drinking from a water hose. There's so many things to do just talking about it makes me want to scream and yell and go crazy and cry. Why. 

It happens.
All over again.
In a way, I expected it. I expected change, I expected that there would be that inevitable character switch.
In a way, this is the greatest test for one's character. It reveals who you truly are, right down to the core. And I'm glad for this switch. I mean, having a friend means knowing the person through and through, and when the person's frivolities have been stripped away, that's when you know your friend best. What doesn't change after going through all that depicts the core of your character.

But in a way, I'm sad to see the change. You could say that its just a piqued interested in another phase of life, but I'm a sentimental person, and I miss the days before all this happened. Before you spent the last 5 days in camp, and before we could talk and laugh about anything without having our conversations ripped apart with words like 'I'm tired', or 'camp', or anything, just anything that has to do with comparing my life with yours. I hate the last one, I really do. I hate it when no one acknowledges the stress we undergraduates go through as well. Yes its a different kind of strain, but its a strain nonetheless, no? I'm stressed and I haven't slept and I'm tired, and you rebut with 'yeah I haven't slept for xxx number of hours'. Sometimes it hurts to hear this comparison. It's an angry, primal form of hurt, whereby I'm annoyed because you think I'm inferior to you. You want me to pity you, to feel sympathy, but I cannot do so while you continue to compare our lives. Somehow or other, your entry into manhood - I hope I can call it manhood- has somehow disoriented me a little. Where once I was sympathetic and kind , I am now jealous and resentful, wishing I had a life that was worse than yours. And where I could one talk about anything under the sun with you I now feel fearful that something you say might annoy me.

Which brings me to another point. Human minds, they say, are one. At least within a single individual. But sometimes I look upon myself at those moments where I'm about to get annoyed and I realise, some part of me fears getting annoyed. Some part of me goes , 'no, don't talk about this, you know you'll be upset at it, and I'm fearful of this annoyance.' Such conflict. But I don't deny that eventually one side prevails- usually its the side which loves getting annoyed. And I do. All over again. Maybe its because I'm jealous of the attention you're getting. Maybe its because of the frustration at being unable to understand. Maybe it's because of my fear of slipping back into anorexia again. All those worries. And it distorts my logic.

Maybe it's this distortion which causes me to miss the old you. To crave the old you that you no longer are, even as the new you is undergoing change that will make you a man- I hope. But those old days are gone now, and life moves on. I will change too, perhaps, as I make my way through these 4, draining years.
What do I do? I shall accept. I shall accept. I shall accept.

Sometimes I fear that I'm too broken for anyone. Too broken for anyone to love, and that loving me is a sin. Loving me is choosing the unknown path, the Unexplored.

But loving me is easy, I know. I'm supposedly everything a guy looks for.

But beneath that veneer are troubling layers of problems, layers that penetrate too deep and which hurt too badly. 

And I don't know if any guy will eventually be able to see all those layers, and see me through all those layers. 

Loving me is an addiction, like cocaine. It's easy to get hooked, but once you're in it, you realise that its way too harmful for you, but you can't get out of it. 

Loving me is dangerous, is difficult and its a challenge. I'm an abnormal girl, a girl whom you love because you see that treasured possession at the end of the tunnel, and you grope for it, but have no lead, no direction. 

Loving me is a challenge. Normal girls aren't a challenge. But loving me is. And I can't help it, because I don't know myself, either. 

And you took up the challenge. 

Will you fight on? 

Soporific

So much frustration. So much of this stress.
It's times like this, when I'm juggling 2 1500 word thesis papers, 1 draft, 2 tutorials and umpteen number of readings that I really miss the days before uni. The times I worked, where I could just end work and completely stone.. until work began again the next morning. Even today, sometimes when I close my eyes and let my mind wander, my mind inevitably drifts back to the happier times of this year- the kindergarten, my work place (especially the canteen where we ate), going out with Chu and just doing the most random of things. Back then when I had so much time that we literally ran out of places to visit on weekends. 
It's times like this when I realise I haven't kept in touch with a lot of people for a very long time. The number of unanswered Whatsapp messages, texts, tweets, Facebook messages, comments, friend requests I've ignored or postponed looking at simply because I'm just too tired. Or maybe it's because I'm just not making enough time for these people. Because everyone is so busy with their life anyway... 
Or am I just making excuses? The number of people I keep in touch with nowadays I can literally count on 1 hand. And even then, sometimes there are long, wide gaps in between conversations. Don't get me wrong; I love all these people. It's just that sometimes... I feel this innate inability to reply them because sometimes I can offer no words of comfort, when needed. If anything, I'm just a burden. 
Or I could be overthinking a little. Maybe it's just this adjusting.. but what adjustment am I talking about? It's almost been a semester. I've never taken so long to adapt to something before... no, it can't be. But what happened to the time? What happened to the time that used to stare back in my face like a reflection in a puddle of water, just waiting for me to make use of it, and for which I frittered away? It's like a never ending race; this time that used to gaze back at me so willingly from that puddle of water is gone. And I have to search for it. But I can't find it. 
And everything keeps moving on. There's no stoppage, no ' I will wait for you' in the grand scheme of things.  Our life carries on, regardless of stress, of work, of the numerous thesis papers I have to do. And sooner of later, everything will come to pass, but till then, I will push on. 
I'll end off with a Shakespearean sonnet- one that I'm currently analyzing right now for my thesis. If you can't tell what it means, it basically summarises this soporific, melancholic, rather depressing post tonight. It's about the irony of time- we need it, yet we detest it. 

Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,
So do our minutes hasten to their end;
Each changing place with that which goes before,
In sequent toil all forwards do contend.
Nativity, once in the main of light,
Crawls to maturity, wherewith being crown'd,
Crooked eclipses 'gainst his glory fight,
And Time that gave doth now his gift confound.
Time doth transfix the flourish set on youth
And delves the parallels in beauty's brow,
Feeds on the rarities of nature's truth,
And nothing stands but for his scythe to mow:
   And yet to times in hope my verse shall stand,
   Praising thy worth, despite his cruel hand. 

Shakespeare, Sonnet 60. 

What Has Happened To Lulu?

What has happened to Lulu, mother? 
What has happened to Lu? 
There's nothing in her bed but an old rag-doll 
And by its side a shoe. 

Why is her window wide, mother, 
The curtain flapping free, 
And only a circle on the dusty shelf 
Where her money-box used to be? 

Why do you turn your head, mother, 
And why do tear drops fall? 
And why do you crumple that note on the fire 
And say it is nothing at all? 

I woke to voices late last night, 
I heard an engine roar. 
Why do you tell me the things I heard 
Were a dream and nothing more? 

I heard somebody cry, mother, 
In anger or in pain, 
But now I ask you why, mother, 
You say it was a gust of rain. 

Why do you wander about as though 
You don't know what to do? 
What has happened to Lulu, mother? 
What has happened to Lu?

- Charles Causley

I like walking in the rain cos no one knows I'm crying. 

 Sometimes I feel that those who give the best advice and the most comfort often get taken for granted- their role will forever be that of a Aunt Agony. Somehow, everyone forgets that the one who doles out comfort is, more often than not, the one who suffers the most, the one whom bottles up his/her thoughts and emotions and masks it behind a stoic facade. Choosing to give to everyone at the expense of himself/herself, surviving on the kind, superficial words of others that are now and again flippantly tossed their way, as "gratitude" for the comfort they give.

And that's exactly how I feel. People come to me for catharsis, for the comfort they seek and for which they've found. And I don't deny- I give it to them, because that's my gift- one of the few and only ones I'm lucky to possess. I put it to good use because I know that they trust me, that they need me around- and I'm well-liked for this aspect. But sometimes I wonder if anyone really bothers about me and my well-being beyond that of a counselor ( which, now that I think about it, I've spent years of my life doing). And this culminates in a pent up hate for people whom play up anything they've got to gather attention because there are people like me, whom wish for just that little bit of care.

Then there are those who love to make their life situations seem worse that everyone around them. It irritates me no end, because c'mon, you can't have gone through every single difficult thing in life, could you? Be humble. Accept that yes, your life may be worse in one aspect, but it isn't the worst in every aspect. Learn, and empathise with those who's life may be just as difficult as yours, if not worse, more so if you haven't gone through what the other person's going through. Everyone has a history, a story, a rough path. And to top it off, open up and realise that there are others who suffer inwardly from pain which they mask, pay attention to those around you, especially those whom you think are happiest- yes, maybe I am referring to myself. They are the ones who need it most. 

I guess I could say that I miss the times my dad used to train my like my whole life was a military camp. He started this routine training when I was P1. That was 13 years ago.
Because despite everything, it did teach me discipline, and it taught me to be tough enough to survive without the comforts of life. ( His methods had much flaws though, but I shan't elaborate about it here, its far too personal)

My dad has stopped enforcing this disclipline routine of 1. You will run 10km this week, split into 2 different sessions, 2. You will not bathe in cold water and to make sure you don't cheat, I will cut off the water supply to your bathroom so you will not get cold water. 3. You will sleep without a fan every alternate day of the week... and so on and so forth 2 years ago just before my O levels. I was so happy to rid myself of the 'torture'- of course, my dad called it 'exercise'.

I remember hating this strict regime and hating everything associated with it- the treadmill, the road that led up to my house when my dad forced my to run that route whenever the treadmill broke down(probably from the immense number of times I cried and stomped and raged but was still made to run anyway), Wednesday and Saturdays ( or Thursdays and Sundays, depending on whether or not my dad decided to be kind enough to postpone the '"exercise" for me), and essentially, my life. I remember how I'd have to plan my school schedule around my "exercise" routines, ensure that a hectic day at school where I ended at 5pm after CCA didn't clash with a Wednesday/Thursday and when it did, I was sure to pull an extremely long and black face on the way home to show my unhappiness with having to return home to yet another round of torture- I mean, exercise. I remember how I rushed my bath in 5 mins because there was a thunderstorm raging outside and I had no nice, warm water to bathe with. How I couldn't sleep at night because mosquitoes would bite me and I was too hot and sweaty to sleep. How I displayed all this culminated unhappiness in a resentment at my dad's training, wondering if my dad had forgetten the fact that he had a daughter, not a son. How I was horrified when my dad told me that he wanted me to 'sign on' in the SAF once I hit 18/19 and serve the country as if I were a boy.

But there were things that subconsciously make me thank this tough training- things that sometimes, I fail to notice. The time I ran for my school's annual cross country and came in 9th position in the school. The time I ran for my JC's intra-school race and came in 11th. And since P4, ever since we started having Physical Fitness Training (PFT), how I'd always come in 1st in class with a timing of 7 mins in primary school when, as part of our PFT, we had to run 1.8km. How I used to come in first in class ( I was from an all girls school) with a clocked timing of 11-12 mins in secondary school and JC for my 2.4km, also for PFT. In a subscious way, maybe running constantly did help after all.

Then there were school camps, where many other girls would be whining about not having warm water to bathe with, and how they'd all avoid that one last cubicle which didn't have the warm water they wanted, and how I'd be very happy to use that cubicle to bathe in- because it meant that I had more time to pack my things and pick my sleeping area in the tent. Or rather, I was the only one to sleep because everyone else stayed awake from the heat and the mosquitoes.

It's been 3 years since my dad last enforced this form of routine on me- or for that matter, any routine at all. And while I hated it, I could perhaps say that right now, I miss it. I miss the tough training, but most of all, I miss how I didn't have to worry about needing to discipline myself- because my dad would do it for me. Notwithstanding the fact that all that running kept me fit. And all that is perhaps a far cry from an actual military camp. Whatever it may be, I look upon all that training with more fondness than I ever did in the past. With the fact that yes, it has brought me some good. And despite the routine my dad put me through, I want it back- well, that part about the running, I guess.

But I'm 19. I'll be 20 next year. I can't get it back anymore.

Rant.

So for the first time in many days, I actually have the time to blog. Uni life takes a lot of effort getting used to, but I prepared myself for this, so I don't really anything unexpected jumping out in my face.. just yet.

I'm slowly settling into a routine whereby I head to school, I go for lesson, I do meetups( either to buy/trade/sell) and then I head home. There's nothing happening about my life, nothing exceptional and there's nothing interesting. 

In short, I've become a quiet loner- you could say that. I do have my group of friends whom I talk to and hang out with. Its just that it sometimes seems quite distant, and by this I mean that it feels like friendships don't really delve deep here. I could partly blame on the fact that I don't stay in hall, which makes for much less social time, or the fact that our schedules are all so different that we rarely spend time with each other outside of lectures. For a quieter person like me (yes, I've become quiet again) it seems good because then I don't really have to continuously interact with people ( I'm a bit introverted sometimes), which results in very shallow friendships- which I'm not really fond of. Then again you could argue that it's a cyclical issue because how does one develop close bonds with friends if they rarely spend time together to begin with? 

I've never been a part of a popular, extroverted group, and reflecting upon the one and only time I was part of one for a while back in JC, I learnt that I would never feel comfortable with people who are 'happy, high and sparkly 24/7'. I need to have my quiet time, I learnt, and I need my space and have time to have thoughts to myself. That's why the best friends, I think, are those whom I can spend quiet time with and yet not feel a compulsion/ obligation to carry on a conversation. And those friends are few and far between. 

But I'm digressing, I know. Social life is just one aspect of this whole adaptation, because if I could describe myself, I'd say I'm occasionally quiet and do make conversation (albeit awkward ones). At least I got my priorities right this time, as compared to JC. I'd say that the one most difficult (?) thing to cope with is the workload. I'm not sure if its just me, because I constantly feel swamped, tired and in someway... depressed? I don't know. It's like I'm sinking into this deep dark pit I can't get myself out of, like despair and worry can't wait for me to fall in deeper within its recesses. I don't want to be hyperbolic here but sometimes that's exactly how I feel. All around me, the people, the things and the objects became alienated and strange because I can't connect with them- in a sense, like Emerson's imagery of a 'transparent eyeball', I feel exactly the same- except that I'm not 'one with nature' but rather, I feel that everything in nature is against me, and I feel alienated and detached from everyone because no one notices my "transparency". I guess this is a side effect of having taken lit, whereby I automatically launch into analysis, or into middle English, or Shakespearean. 

Whatever it is, I don't really have a choice. Be it social life or my workload, there's nothing I can do but to soldier on because this is all I have. Because this is what I asked for. 

Whatever happened to the actual 'bubbly' person, I don't know. 

She will be loved

I don't mind spendin' everyday 
Out on your corner in the pourin' rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved, and she will be loved...

This is so insanely surreal I don't even know how to express it anymore.
Everyone's gone. I'm alone.
I have times where I wish to be alone, but now this emptiness is killing me. 

Miss.

It's past 12 am. Again. 

This feels reminiscent of JC, very much so. I remember the days when I stayed up just trying to memorise facts on the different erosional processes the rivers, or the different cohesive devices used in texts, or the different integration/differentiation formulas. 

I'm not even learning half of all those things now, but here I am, staying up to complete a presentation that's not even due till next week. That presentation is an odd one, it's on Chaucer's Miller's Tale and the General Prologue, for which it involves deciphering bad pick up lines and honest-to-God bad pick up attempts (I'm being very diplomatic here) on a woman. Which happily ends with the lover being stubbed with a hot poker on his butt. A really interesting story, but one that's also hard to analyse right now. Which explains why, again, I am awake past 12 in the morning. 

I haven't even slept properly in days. The past few days, even on days where I have to wake up at 5.45am in the morning to embark on my 2 hour pilgrimage to school, I've been sleeping past 12 am. And then of course, I wake up in the morning cursing myself for having done such a stupid thing ie. staying up past 12 am the night before. Sometimes I fear if this is going to be my life for the next 4 years. I guess it is. But then again, I guess that's what you get for growing up- not that we have any choice, of course. And this is an odd vibe but I miss working amongst guys back in my office. Where there was less drama (save for one person), and I was a lot, I don't know, carefree? Yeah. I like this place and the people and all- I can get along with them ( I just hung out with my friend after school today and we had a real heart to heart chat about guys over Sogurt). It's just that, in a way, I miss the past. As I always do. 

Speaking of work however, I just realised that soon, I'll have nothing left to go back for. The people at work, at least those whom I know, are quitting soon, and they're gradually replaced with newer (could I also say more inefficient?) staff. I recently headed back to work for lunch with my co-workers before they all leave the workplace (since we're all temp staff anyway) when I finally found a free slot in my timetable for one last lunch with them. Nigel is quitting this Friday, and Daniel will be leaving within the next 2 weeks of September as well. There'll be no one left for me to return to anymore. Both of them are about to start new phases of life as well- Nigel as he enlists, and Daniel as he begins his 2nd year at Uni. And in time, that place will exist as a fond memory- nothing more. It's sad. 

Then there's Chu. He's busy in camp as well, and as always, the pain of seeing him book in every weekend is something I'm used to by now. I can't help it. And as our conversations grow quieter, again, I look back on the past and think, why can't it be like how it was when we first got together? Then I remember that in every relationship, there'll always be a settling down. This is mine, I guess. Or perhaps I've already settled down, gotten used to this routine of Chu-army, Ju-Uni routine. And routines are constant, and I like that. I'm familiar with it. 

This has been a rather long blog post for one done at 12.33am in the morning. My paper has remained blank save for the title. The poem I'm reading is long and intimidating. But I don't have a choice, do I? 

I don't. I have to move on. I have to put my sad, soulful sentiments (woohoo alliteration) behind and move on. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard, but somehow or other, I will manage. I will survive. I will make it. Somehow. 

Temporal.

Temporary (adj) : Not permanent; not lasting

That's the dictionary meaning. And that's how I'm feeling right now. 

I'm currently stuck in this situation whereby my future is so unknown. Yes I may have made friends in uni, but my gut feeling tells me that something isn't quite right. Like I'm not being myself, and when I actually start being myself, well, things might start to change a little. I remember how this was so very reminiscent of the days when I first started JC. What eventually happened? You know, Julyn, you know. 

This isn't the only thing that I fear, however. It's all the people in my life as well. I'm at this extremely insecure stage of my life right now, and while I don't like it, I don't have a choice but to force myself to like this routine. It's mundane, it's draining, but it's all I have. And with this insecurity brought about by this stage of life, there are many other things I'm fearful of as well. Chu is one. I fear that something will tear us apart. I fear we'll be stretched thin and I fear that someday, we'll just tire of each other. But despite all these fears, this relationship is probably the one thing that defies this whole 'temporary' vibe I'm feeling right now. I hope so, at least. 

And my friends. Those I made in JC, particularly, and those I meet at different phases of my life. What will happen to them? I guess the overly optimistic view would state that ' oh we can all still be friends!', but a more pessimistic (perhaps more realistic) point of view would be ' we will all move on with our lives. ' And the latter makes me sad. But I guess that's something that really cannot be helped, especially while we're all so busy. 

Cheers. 

I don't wanna fight

I can't sleep

Everything I ever knew
Is a lie
Without you

I can't breathe
When my heart is broke in two
There's no beat
Without you

You're not gone, but you're not here
Is that's the way it seems tonight
I know that we can make it right
'Cause baby

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fightin' for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you

I don't wanna have to try

Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

How can I live?

When everything that I adore
And everything I'm livin' for
Girl it's in you

I can't dream
Sleepless nights have got me bad
The only dream I ever had
Is bein' with you

I know that we can make it right
It's gonna take a little time
Lets not leave ourselves with no way out
Lets not cross that line
No

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fightin' for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you

I don't wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

Remember that I made a vow
That I would never let you go
I meant it then, I mean it now
And I want to tell you so

I don't wanna fight no more
(Ohh no)
I forgot what we were fightin' for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you
(Now I don't want to)

I don't wanna have to try
(No)
Girl to live without you in my life
(Life)
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
(Can we start?)
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fightin' for
(Ohh and this loneliness)
And this loneliness that's in my heart
(In my heart)
Won't let me be apart from you
(From you no)

I don't wanna have to try
(Don't wanna try)
Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
(I'm hopin', I'm hopin')
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

So lie
Without you
Without you

This is currently my new favourite song. Old, slow songs somehow appeal to me. 

Goals.

I realise that I've been posting a lot of pretty heavy stuff recently (Strange that the blog viewership is going up though, despite all these continuously emo posts). So here's a little reflective list of things that I'm going to make right now at the start of this new phase of life (I've only been in Uni for 2 weeks anyway). I hope that by the time I graduate in 4 years, nothing would have changed. They're in no particular order, since I'm writing them as and when the thought occurs to me, but I guess that those that occur first are usually the ones that mean more to me than the rest.

1. I will not smoke. 

2. I will not go clubbing and get grinded against by guys. 

3. I want Chu to be the guy I'm still together with.. 

4. I want this close friendship with my god-brother to remain as it is right now even as he enters NS.  

5. I will maintain the level of effort I'm putting into my studies now all through the 4 years. 

6. I will continue having a life. 

7. I will remember that studies is my main goal in Uni.

8. I will not try to be someone I am not. 

9. I will continue to hold dearly to the ones whom mean the most to me. 

10. I will not be taken advantage of. 

11. I will not excessively drink.
12. I will not take drugs ( this one ought to be on top, but it was an afterthought seeing I'd never take them.)

There are many more things that I would have written, but these are the top 10 most important ones. I realize the last few are somewhat arbitrary, but I guess I could live with this list for now. 

Here's to a good(?) 4 years in Uni.