So in the time between this post and the last, a couple of things happened that I want to address. Or rather, make note of. 

A Level results Day; 1st March 2013

I'll skip right to it- I did better than expected. Why? Because the teachers never had a very high opinion of me in the first place and expected me to score Ds and Es. So when it turned out that I scored Bs and Cs, the teachers received a fairly big shock, presumably. Or rather, what I gleaned from seeing my ELL teacher's reaction. She smiled at me for what was probably the first time in my life. And as it turned out, I scored the best for her subject. I'm a little disappointed though, for some reason. Although I really don't have a reason to be. I jumped more than 55 UES points and I know for a fact that only the very best got As and Bs. And I've never been the best. That, and even students the teachers expected would do well got the same grade as me. 

I don't have a reason to be upset, really.

Last day of work at PCF Sengkang West; 28th Feb 2013

28th Feb marked the last day of work at the kindergarten, PCF Sengkang West. That's the class of Cherry 1 in the photo, the K1 class for which I've been in charge of these past 2 months. This was the very first class I was introduced to when I first started working at the centre. And as much as it was a new experience for me, I can't say the same about them- they are, after all, the class which graduated (or at least, for a majority of them) from nursery. 

I recall writing a work-related post sometime back, and I'll say that my sentiments don't change. The last day was no less arduous than my first day, although I have to say that it got a lot better 2 weeks before I officially ended because a new teacher joined the centre and took over Cherry 1. I spent the weeks before that teaching the children the letters of the alphabet, and in retrospect I think I could have been a little more patient with them. But its rewarding to see them happy though, when they finally understand. Looking back on this photo I regret not taking a picture with my other class, Peach 1, which was another K1 class who joined Cherry 1 midday. I remember giving all of them pencils and erasers on my last day ( this photo was actually taken immediately after I gave out the pencils and erasers- probably the reason why the kids looked so happy) and this little girl called Fatin ran up to me, gave me a hug and told me that she'd miss me. It's times like these that make me feel that the effort I've put into the kids is worth it. It's rewarding.

My kids and I; K1 Class Cherry 1

And this photo here was a incomplete (sadly) staff photo taken after lessons ended that day at 5. From left, that's Mrs Lee-the centre principal, Viola, Teacher Tabs, Teacher Shikin, myself, Wu Lao Shi, Teacher Dharshiny, Teacher Sally and Teacher Jennifer. The teachers there (with the exception of Viola and myself who are both relief teachers) taught the kindergarten. The childcare teachers aren't in this photo.        

I guess I don't really have much to say because it's my first paying job, my first time contributing to CPF, and I can count myself lucky that the staff was friendly to me even though I made a lot of mistakes in the course of my teaching. I'm grateful to them for being supportive, and for helping me understand the psychology of a child better. It'll be great if I could do something education related in the future, though, then again, that will depend on my degree.
As for all those who've helped me so much in this 2 month journey, I say thank you, and thanks also for the memories. You've taught me so much about myself in the process of caring for the children and given me much invaluable advice, PCF Sengkang West.

Staff members of the kindergarten! 

Spare change

It had started off well, she recalled. Back then when the anticipation of a phone call from him caused a shiver of heated excitement to streak down her spine. She remembered how she sat by the phone, gripping it with increasing intensity as she stared at the clock. Anytime now, she recalled, as the second hand inched its way across the minute surface of the number '10' on her watch. Then her phone trilled into life within her palm, its screen winking his name through the thin glass.

She remembered having animated conversations with him, her eyes creasing at the corners with mirth as he spoke. It was entertainment to speak with him, to have him soaring joy into her life like an escaped lark. And each time he did that he caused a love, then still vehemently ignored, but decreasingly so, to leap like sparks, where she could one day deny it no more.

Then somehow things changed. She sat, hunched up, muffling her sobs against the back of her hand as she listened, still gripping the phone with the same intensity as she always did. But her words were different this time. They were harsh, and the reply she received was no less savage.

"Stop crying! I have only 40 minutes left- do you want to listen or not?"

She never heard him say that before. A sharp spurt of pain dulled the retort in her throat.

" I do." She said, as firmly as she could manage while forcing a watery grimace, her face whiter than a wedding veil.

But he'd done it. He'd shunned her tears, when he'd once opened his arms to comfort her for that very act, taking away with him an infinitesimal amount of her love. And somehow, hearing his voice break too gave her a vague sense of satisfaction that hovered swimmingly at her lips.
But it wasn't her fault. Or was it? She couldn't figure out, nor could she hide her confusion behind the short, sharp rasps of breath she struggled to take as she pressed the little red button on the screen and watched as the phone fell silent once more. Dizzy and lightheaded, she left her seat and headed for the bedroom, where she gazed into the mirror at her own reflection staring back at her through red, swollen eyes. As she did so she flipped the light switch, and with her head still swarming with his words, she collapsed on the bed, exhausted, but thinking.

Then day broke before she had even slept a wink. And a vague thought occurred to her, something she felt had been stolen from her as the night slumbered on.
She always loved him, she knew.

Chu got posted into social science at nanyang poly. I'm proud of him, because at least he's taken this one step to securing his future which would hopefully, be with me.

One thing for sure is that I know he'll own them all. He's fairly smart enough, and having once achieved the top in the level for gp, it shouldn't be a problem. I'm looking at him to get a gpa or 3.7 at minimum? I suppose that should put him in good running for a place in fass.

On the other hand, there's me. And I'm receiving my A level results in this coming March. I don't know how I'll even do, because frankly, I should have gone straight to the poly. I know I'd actually be able to excel in something I want there- but instead I was herded off into the jc route. I'm afraid I don't get my required ues, and if I don't, well, I guess hello private uni, or hello poly.
I'm not sure. I'll admit that I'm fearful, of where I'd end up and what I'd do. Because I don't think I'm smart enough.

I reread snippets of our conversations from the past. Back then when you were still helping me and, in return, so was I.

And you used to care for me a lot.
You used to show it.
And for that matter, I did too.
I showed it, and you liked it.

But I don't even know what happened, because we can't seem to care like we did before.
I don't feel it as much, and neither can I give as much if I don't feel it.

What's going on?

I’m tired of change.
I’m tired of people changing.
And I’m forcing myself to accept the change instead of fighting the change.
And I know that whatever I do, I have to make sure he comes first. My needs and wants are nothing; they can wait. I have to cheer him on, I have to make sure he’s happy, even if it means killing myself to do so. I have to be proud of him and be a good girlfriend.
Throw away your own desires, because remember that he’s more than you boyfriend- he’s your best friend. And that you’d do anything for him.
You’ve done that before.
You can do it again.
For eternity, if so.

Work is not stressful, but stressing.
It's a constant fight between breaking down and staying strong because the kids don't understand sympathy. I don't blame them.
I had a particularly bad day today, and throw in a splitting headache, I think, no, make that I know I'm going to fall sick soon. What with interacting with sick children, it's a wonder I haven't physically died. (because I'm already dead mentally anyway)
Oh and I sincerely need to start training again and restarting my pt sessions. I've put it off for a long time now. Much too long.
Time to go. Headache is beginning again. The surprise call from Chu today was welcome though, except my headache was so bad I couldn't even recognise his voice. Sigh. .

I'm moody, I'm sick and I'm tired of 1Sir's schedule. The stress is endless for me on the inside but even more for him on the inside. But I don't ever realise that do I, because all I'm going about is how he's supposed to take care of me even though I'm a civilian and I'm supposed to lead and run my own life.
I need to learn to man up. Stop wanting attention and focus on giving attention to him because he actually needs it. Not you. You're outside, you lead a job which, fine, stresses you to death but isn't as bad as his. Stop crying like a baby each time you argue, because really, there's nothing to be sad about. I know it.

You need to stop trying to prove that you're worse of, that my injuries are worse, that I'm more tired, more annoyed, more sick than him all in the name of attention. He's trying to show you attention, isn't he, and for some weird reason Ju, you don't realise it.

" ehhh make sure you eat ah, or else I'll bus over to your house with food for you! "
" you need to sleep more:) "
" please take care dear:( "
" remember, if you have to choose between your book out and getting an injury, I'd rather you stay safe and not get your book out. Because safety comes first, okay? "
" I want to be the least of your worries in NS. Worry about other things first, than me, ok? "
That was everything I said to him before he enlisted.
4 months later, I don't even know if I can say the same things to him without feeling a tinge of jealousy, a tinge of sadness, or a tinge of anger. And I don't even know why. Maybe it's because I need insane amounts of attention which he schedule limits him from giving. Which also means, why in the world, Ju, do you need so much attention? Stop asking for it, start giving it, because that's what you promise chu. Sometimes I don't know anymore. Am I asking for too much? Because I know myself - I've rarely asked for anything. Maybe this lack of asking someone directly for something is manifesting in some obscure fashion unknown to me just yet. Or maybe because I know that he knows me well enough that he'll give the attention himself even without an outright request. I'm confused.

I miss him. And he has a field camp this week, to further add insult to injury.
Then again, I've been in some terribly humour because hormones dictate that I will now suffer from pms. But that's a lame excuse, really.

Let's play this game

I haven't written anything for a really long time. Not because I don't have anything to write, but because I've got no time left. From having the whole day free, to holding a 8-5 is exhausting. Which should explain the lack of blog posts.

So, first and foremost, my job. I haven't quit the kindergarten, and it's almost been a month since I've started working there. I don't dread it as much, possibly because I've made good friends with the other teachers there, and now that there's a specific curriculum to follow/ timetable, life is becoming slightly, just slightly easier. Under the guidance of one of the teachers, I'm slowly picking up the skills needed to run a proper class, be it class management, assessment of the kids or simply bonding with them. It takes a lot more effort than I realise, and honestly, I respect full-time kindergarten teachers. Their job isn't easy, and the younger the child the more difficult to teach.

Case in point, the class I was teaching the other day. It's difficult to get 6 children to listen to you let alone a whole class of 14, all jumping and screaming. It's a wonder that I haven't fully lost my temper at them yet, because I remember that I confiscated this boy's toy train which he brought to school because he was playing with it in class. Of course that boy starting crying. Wailing, in fact. But for once I didn't give in and left the child alone. And for once, he kept quiet for the rest of the class. Then there are other children who don't know how to use the toilet properly, don't know how to wear their shoes, bags and etc... after a while it becomes something I'm almost immune to because I've got no way else to survive.

Some days I'm so frustrated that I don't even feel like getting out of bed. Some nights I end up going to bed dreading the next day. But I guess that it's part of life, part of work, and it's something I have got to get used to, whether I like it or not.

Then there's my life outside the kindergarten. Or what's left of it, that is. All my friends are working, as far as I know, and we're all busy in some way or another. And my life as an NSF's girlfriend. All these different identities, and sometimes I don't even know how, why or if they merge, or if they should. I'm not going to deny that Chu's crazy AIT schedule is stressing me (and just as I write this, I remember that he'll be away for 7 days next week...) but I'm going to stay with him no matter what. Because he's the only one who understands me this way, past and present. Then there's my A level results. One more month, and... justice will be done, hopefully. So many things, so little time, and somehow or other I'm supposed to live through it, because I can't even request to fall out of life.

I'm stressed, I know, and I admit. I'm taking on 2 jobs and nearly took on a 3rd if Chu hadn't scolded me and told me to watch out or I'll exhaust myself. To Chu, I say, thanks for dealing with all my crap. I'm stressed as heck, and honestly, only you knew it and it seemed like only you cared. So thanks for always making sure I'm alright and caring for me, even if you can't be physically around for me all the time. As for me, just remember that I'm not leaving you, okay? Be at peace:)

My job, my boyfriend, my results, my life. Somehow or other, I'm supposed to reconcile all these and make sure I don't lose any of them. I don't really feel like I'm ready for Uni, and ready to grow up. I'm 19 this year, but I feel so awkwardly out of place as an adult. I'm uncertain and I'm unsure, but I guess I've proven to myself that I can be strong when being strong is the only option left. I just need to find that strength again. Maybe in God, even, or rather, to begin with.

Speaking of which, I've got church tomorrow, so I better call it a night.

Good morning Teacher!

So for the past 3 days, I've been working with PCF, helping to orientate the new kids into the school and the culture. I don't hate children, so the job seemed pretty suitable for me. I mean when I first heard the job scope, I thought that handing out tissue paper to the children was a fairly easy job for me.

Until I eventually entered the job for real on Tuesday. 

I guess the first thing I really noticed was that my job scope extended far beyond that. Not that I minded, I mean, I did expect that handling children would be nothing short of tiring, but this was truly the first time I was interacting and handling children- and having to discipline them. That wasn't my forte and never was. I got along well with the children I've encountered in tour groups when families have little kids, but having to get them to listen to you without parental supervision is a whole new story altogether. 

To put it simply, I got kicked and scratched my the children who refused to listen to me (WHYYY), especially children whom I *think* have ADHD and whom cannot sit still for more than 3 seconds. And that was only the beginnning. Since the centre was extremely new, they were slightly shorthanded and I was put in charge of a k1 class- Class Kiwi 1, to be exact. The other teacher who would be conducting the other k1 class was this really petite and pretty chinese teacher in charge of Cherry 1. My class started off with 8 children on the first day and gradually grew to 11 by the third day as we became more and more familiar with the children (because some of the children didn't know if they were Nursery/K1/K2/K+, so many children were often shuffled into the wrong classrooms during orientation, but eventually found the right classroom in the end, to much disarray and screaming. )

Suddenly, I found myself with 11 children under my care, most of whom couldn't speak very well. To complicate matters further a lot of the children didn't know how to raise their hands when they were called or even more confusingly, didn't know how to pronounce/read/say their names. It took a lot of patience ( which I'm, again, not very good at) to finally coax a name out of a kid. Then I had to make them participate in games/songs and dance with me, which was a total disaster because my method was totally off and I just couldn't capture their attention long enough. There'd be 3 to 4 children sitting around me listening (and these were usually the ones who could speak and write English fluently), and the rest of the children would be running around and doing their own thing. It frustrated me. Alot. It was the same with song and dance. I don't know how the other teachers did it, but well, I felt like a complete failure. 

I guess my method of teaching was wrong to begin with. On the very first day with the first 8 children, I was really lax with them. My mentality was this- if the children weren't getting into trouble and they weren't annoying others and immediate danger, I saw no reason to intervene with what they were doing. And they took advantage of that and climbed over my head- Literally. On the 2nd day, however, I looked at the other teacher's children and then it hit me- the children there were really well behaved and quiet while my class sounded and felt like a madhouse. So I picked up the tough approach. I tried to be firm and to shout at them, which worked for a bit, but then the children realised I was just acting tough and started to bully me again. It frustrated me, angered me and annoyed me, but as usual, I just didn't tell anyone. At one point in the 'lesson', I was just so #*@!^&@%$ frustrated with the children I literally stood helplessly against the wall listening to the noise the kids were making and snapped. Not outwardly, because I didn't want the children to see me, but sufficient for the other teacher to walk over and kindly take over the class for me while I went to take a breather. For that moment I just didn't want to deal with children anymore. not their screaming, yelling, punching, etc. 

And that was only the 3rd day. I didn't even know whether I wanted to continue with this job, because it was wearing the hell out of me so badly chasing kids around, force feeding them, making sure they didn't fight, didn't hurt each other, the list goes on. But I knew that I don't have a choice, I mean, yes, I can change jobs, but seriously, what kind of person am I going to be if I job-hop and what does this reflect on my future? I don't want to make this a habit, and whatever it is, I will never resort to drinking to drown my sorrows because that's a silly method and that, obviously, doesn't solve anything because problems will always persist when we grow sober anyway. Plus imagine the magnification of my hangover caused by the screaming and loud noises if I go to work with a hangover? Yeah. 

Whatever it may be, I know that I want to continue with this job, anyway. Even if it gives me the worst headaches when I come back home, even when I have to go to work slightly sick because some children aren't completely well when they come to school, even when I snap at work and I die inside when I see the children misbehave. Because, it's cliche, I know, but this is one of the most rewarding jobs I could ever have. I remember this little kid once saying to me, as she left the centre, " Teacher Julyn, I love you!" and then she kissed my hand. That was a pretty defining moment, I guess, and that's probably also the reason why all the other teachers stay despite yelling till we're all blue in the face and constantly want to strangle them. Alot of the time, those crappy moments, I find myself thinking of Chu and going, you're going to be a mother someday, anyway. Or I find myself thinking of Chu, when the children have their own free time to play and while I'm supervising them, and going, I miss you. At least you don't have to deal with this mess.

I guess despite everything, I still love those kids, and though I hate having to deal with the discipline issues, I'll stay. 

They say, don't ever compare to the past, instead, look ahead, because that's where your future lies.
I say, if you don't look back at the past, how would you know what changes to make to the future such that the future becomes better? Or perhaps, how would you know you're better off now?

I've written about it before, but I can't help thinking that the huge irony my whole life has been thus far hasn't been a waste. It was a good learning experience back then, and yes, I'll admit that I had fun while learning it. And that had I not learnt it, perhaps I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Simply put, it took me long enough to find the correct person, the one person who's interconnected with my past just sufficient for me to see how different 2 friends may be.
I used to think he was like Nic, but my perspectives have changed so drastically over these 2 years.

As this year comes to an end, all I can say is, thanks for the memories. And thanks to all those who've made an impact in some way or other, especially to those who were in my life for just that short period of time to let me learn something about myself.

Either way, I'm ending this year on a good note, and a happier one at that. Let's hope it stays this way for as possible.

I actually do believe that a relationship needs space to grow.
So its perfect to lead a life outside your relationship.
I've always believed that.
And I've always strives to maintain a good balance between a relationship and my outside life.
I guess there's no need to tell me that I need to maintain the relationship by having a good balance.
Because I already have it, and I already believe in it-more than others, sometimes.
Sorry for sounding terribly annoyed, but yeah, I hate it when others try to tell me, or to teach me something I obviously already know.
Hopefully you know and believe that too, actually.

Note: I'm glad to be the first person you've loved, anyhow.

The most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen before.
Ventura Beach, USA, facing the Pacific ocean.
2 weeks in US passed by far too quickly. I still miss that place more than anything else.
But I guess there's no time to visit any of this again
Hopefully after Uni I'll have months to travel around the world with my uni friends :) the 'grand tour.

On another happier note, I got possibly the best Christmas gift ever from my cousin. My very own ukulele! :)

Frustration sets in when one cannot reconcile jealousy/envy and pride for another.
That's me in a nutshell, sometimes. No, make that most of the time.
If I were to select the one greatest sin of mine it'd be jealousy.
Especially towards you. I don't understand myself sometimes, but I'm proud of you when you do something great, achieve something, or when others comment that you're intelligent.

I'm proud of you when you know how to read famous novels and classics, yet I'm envious(?) for being unable to have that same love you have, that love that makes you seem oh-sooooo-smart to others. I don't know, but it seems, and I mean seems, that you genuinely enjoy classics and those of that particular genre that make you seem erudite. Because that's something I'm not sure I can feel. Maybe I'm just reading those classics and all because I want to feel on par with you. Maybe it's because I want to be on par with the rest- I don't know. Because if you feel this innate genuine love for such things, well, I'm quite different from you- and glad to be.

I'm envious when others say you're inwardly smart, but at the same time, I'm proud to be with someone who's well thought of. I speak well of you when people praise you, and inwardly there's this sense of subtle pride, yet I can't help wondering if others thought the same, if others think I'm smart/clever enough for you. (but as you like to put it, it's vice versa, but I don't think so)

I'm Nakata. Except that I didn't suffer an unknown incident and neither can I talk to cats. Or am I? I don't even know myself.
This is tiring.

Here's a little warning to whoever is reading this. Don't read this unless you want your mood ruined. I don't usually post vulgarities, but this time- I can't help it. Sorry.

to begin, I don't usually post these kind of things, and I don't want to defame anyone, but seriously, just let me get this off my back.

I don't know how you put up with this, but it's been more than 18 years. 18 bloody years. I'm only saying 18 years because it's the number of years I've been living in this... place. This house. And this isn't about me. It's about you. You deserve a medal for putting up with such nonsense for years. The first time I saw it, I thought, if I ever dated a guy like that, I'd drop him quicker than I'd drop a sack of hot cakes.

Now I'm used to all that crap. You don't deserve this at all. You don't deserve to have someone bully the fuck out of you as and when he feels like it. It's driven you up the wall- I can see that- and I don't understand why you put up with all that fucking nonsense. It's not your duty, and it's NOT your job to take all that in. Yes, I was once in an abusive relationship so I know how hard it is to give up but sometimes things just don't work out. Then again, like I said, it's already been ongoing for years and years, and this isn't some teenage romance we're talking about. So I guess that's as far as my advice can go then. I can't say more.

He's gone too far, and he's pushed the line far too many times. I would have said just leave, JUST LEAVE, but I know you won't because of me. If only I had a sibling maybe things would have been easier for you. Just a little easier. I hate to see you like this, treated like this, spoken to in this manner. You deserve respect, and you're not getting it.

The day I get married, I'm taking you with me. I want you to live to see the day I walk down the aisle. I want to take you away from this shithole so that you'll get the respect you deserve. Maybe you'll feel better then.
Fuck him. 

I reread some of our old conversations today on MSN. Back when we were still friends in math class and when you started having a thing for me.

Tonight, for some reason, I reread some of our old conversations we had on MSN. Back then when we were still friends in Math Class and when you started having a thing for me. I read about how you'd skip Scouts for her, wait till 10pm at night just to see her, how she used to make you feel so happy by just being there for you, how you took 6 months to get over her, how miserable you were without her. And that old jealous feeling crops up again. Would you do the same for me? I know it's effed up to be thinking about this, but I can't help but think how you'd react if I were to someday (note I said WERE) leave you. I think about whether or not you'll be sad, whether or not you'll cry if I left you. Whether your reaction will be more adverse, seeing as I mean more to you, and how much more averse. Because I don't want you to have the same reaction as you did with her.

Then I remember.

Skip Scouts? I know you'd do the same. In fact you've already done that. But I don't want you to skip Scouts for me, because I want you to enjoy that part of your life too. But it's sweet that you did, and honestly? I appreciate it.

Cry if I left? I probably wouldn't even have to go that far. You already did when you couldn't see me for 2 weeks. What more if I left?

Wait till 10pm for me ( at the expense of your studies back then)? Yeah, I know you would. Not that there's an opportunity to do so now, seeing as you're in NS, but I know you would had there been an opportunity, anyway. Probably more than a couple of hours, even. Maybe days. Or even years, just to see me.

You once told me you'd even die for me. That's something new to me. No one's bothered to care for me to such a great extent before, and it's touching. How I'm naturally just your type, how you can be natural and all around me instead of putting on a show like you used to, how I'm naturally good with all animal , how I'm the only one who loves the outdoors and can put up with the hectic army life...Yeah.

I'm probably sounding like a jealous lover or something, but I'm probably just pms-ing. Plus jet lag's causing me to lose sleep too. Yes, sometimes I get insecure. Then I look back and I remember that there's nothing to be insecure about. Sometimes doing these things is good because it keeps me in check, and makes sure I don't become complacent.

I'm better, I know that. I know.

Star-Spangled Banner

So I'm back from the US. Touched down at 4am this morning.
It's hot, humid, sticky and rainy, but one thing I know- it's safe.
The past 2 weeks I've been in the US have been great, because, as a tourist, you always get to see the glittery, glamorous side of the country. But while I've been there a couple of incidents occurred as well, which made me realise that things aren't so always as shiny as they first appear to be.

First there was a shooting event that occurred in Las Vegas while I was there, and another one in our hotel (according to our tour guide, that is). Then shortly after, there was the major Connecticut shooting event. My condolences go out to all the children who lost their lives at a tender age of 6 and 7, as well as the adults who were killed as well. And yes, I know that Connecticut is in the Eastern side of USA but being in US itself made me realise that a country that's liberal has it's disadvantages as well. On my part I was disturbed at how close I had been to a shooting event and how real it seemed to me back then, because that's not something you'd regularly fear living in Singapore.

On a more positive note, the last 2 weeks have been nothing short of amazing. I guess it's the usual sort of feeling you get when travelling- the constant rush of excitement. There's San Francisco, and getting to see the world's most crooked street (Lombard Street), Fisherman's Wharf, where we took a cruise and saw the famous Golden Gate Bridge and the maximum security prison Alcatraz, Then we headed down to Las Vegas aka Sin City where the whole culture and atmosphere changed, especially along Fremont Street, where loud music, strip clubs ( I saw one named Precious Sluts) and alcohol were abundant and it was certainly an experience- Not forgetting the numerous casinos that rule LV too ( I was eating at this Mexican Grill named Baja Fresh and watching as people tried their luck on Jackpot machines, the Blackjack and the Poker tables) as well.

We left Nevada for a while and headed to Arizona for the Grand Canyon (I personally say it's the highlight of the entire trip), where I got to ride a helicopter, row a boat down the river and climb over all those limestone and sandstone landforms with Alethea, a friend I made on the trip. I can still recall the salty scent of the river water, the cold breeze that blew, lunch cooked by the natives.. It was a good experience. Our last stop was Los Angeles and Hollywood, which always had famous stars ( I hoped to see Ellen, but yeah, luck's never that good for me, huh). Then there was Beverly Hills which sold high end branded products for the rich, as well as Disneyland, California Adventure Park and Universal Studios which also bring fond memories. I cannot for my life understand how I had the guts to ride Space Mountain, ( well Alethea and this little girl named Valerie dragged me to sit it with them) and all the other rides for which I would usually be afraid of. I don't like rollercoasters, but I guess you could say that Space Mountain, as well as the dizziness and loss of appetite that came with it was an experience as well.

Other than that,, there was shopping. Loads and loads of it, especially of brands such as Kate Spade, Coach, etc. I didn't buy any high end products, because I was looking forward to the factory outlets having middle range products instead, and there were few, sadly. (Although I did pick up a couple of things from Nautica, Levi's, Calvin Klein and Nike)

I guess that pretty much sums up the entire 2 weeks. I could go on and on about the experiences I gained, but no one's going to bother reading it, so here's a summarised version. I miss the food, however fattening, the climate, the people ( American people are usually polite) and all the friends I've made. Then again, one thing I can put behind is the unstable wifi, for which caused me to only call back twice to Chu and whatsapp on a couple of days. I miss everything, both the good and the bad, but as always, all things (both good And bad) must come to an end. And I miss Chu the most of all. He's the reason why, despite missing America so badly, I still look forward to coming back to Singapore.

On a final note, I heard my parents are planning the next trip already. To Alaska, this time, possibly. We'll see.

Leaving for US tomorrow morning.
I'm leaving with mixed feelings, really. I know I'll have a good time. US is the one place I've always wanted to go since.. time immemorial? Yeah. I wanted it, and now I've got it. Plus a stopover in Seoul means that I kind of get to see Korea as well. Then there's San Jose, Ventura Beach, Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon, Disneyland and Universal Studios (again). I'm thankful for all these, really, because I know it's a luxury and a privilege to be able to travel.

And I would usually be extremely excited if not for just one thing.

Chu.

I've probably mentioned this already, but I miss that boy. (I'm sorry, it's going to be a little mushy from here on down. ) I hate the fact that I'm leaving on a Friday, which means that just as he books out on Saturday, I'll be up in the air and heading west. That also means a 16 hour flight and a 16 hour time difference. And with Chu being in NS, well, the likelihood of us being able to call is close to almost none. Plus the charges are crazy, which means I'm not going to hear his voice for 2 weeks, or 3 weekends. Midway through my trip he'll be leaving for Tekong as well for his field camp, which means that that's absolutely no contact. It saddens me, somehow, because I miss the fact that I'll be able to hear his voice each night as I get ready for bed.

Despite all this, I know we'll survive. We survived confinement, and we'll survive this. If our relationship is meant to be, we'll survive it, somehow, because if it doesn't even survive this, then well, I guess we weren't meant to be together in the first place. Negative thoughts aside, if both parties put their effort into it, then it'll work out, despite the absences. And effort wise, I know both of us put in our very best, so there's no reason to worry. I don't want it to be a case of just ' oh, if God doesn't think we'll make it, then sua, whatever', but more a case of 'I'll put in my effort and he will too so that God sees we're worthwhile.'

And for you, well, I'm just going to say, take care, and I'll see you again soon. Survive Tekong, and come out stronger (mentally) such that we'll know that we can weather any other obstacle in the future. I miss you already, but its just another 17 days, and we'll be okay::) Love you:)

For the first time, he looked at her, and not through her. The sight shocked him; how little did he know about the girl he once held in his arms, the girl whom he knew so well he could recite off her favourite songs by heart. She looked plain now, her face almost aged, her eyes speaking the words she no longer could voice.

"I'm alright," she said, her voice broke with emotion, and attempted to smile, and as she did the pink beanie she wore slipped slightly off to the left. He watched as her face creased with the force of each facial muscle, her smile wane and painful, and into each crease was tucked a tear, a worry, a fragment of her past she no longer wished to revisit. He watched as she reached under the sheets and held up a small stuffed bear, before clasping it tightly in her arms and against her chest. "At least he's been keeping me company," she whispered. Then he remembered that she loved stuffed toys.

In desperation he bade her farewell and exited the room he first entered with anticipating anxiety. He was alone now- the door had been closed behind him and he could see her no more. He hadn't realised how sick she had been, neither had he realised how much he had been caught up with his work to even notice that she had been suffering from cancer for a long time. In what could perhaps be described as a mixture of pain and pure guilt, he made his way to the toyshop a couple of buildings from the hospital and stood looking through the glass window at the rows and rows of TY toys he knew, or at least he last remembered he knew, she loved. He couldn't remember if she preferred the large furry giraffe or the small stuffed horse and yet he remembered she had told him before- they had been to this very same toyshop. In frustration he bought both, then impulsively picked out 6 other stuffed animals before realising he was out of credit. He paid for the remaining in cash, headed out of the store and ran to the hospital before he could think twice about spending his entire pay for the week.

He stood outside her room steadying his breath, then pushed open the door. She wasn't there- they must have taken her away for yet another round of those endless tests. She wouldn't be back for a while, he knew, and began arranging the newly bought stuffed animals at the foot and head of her bed; how garish they looked against the crumpled white sheets. Then he stood back and looked at the arrangement, before taking a small sheet of paper from her bedside table and scribbling,' Love.' Love who, he did not state. All he wanted was for her to feel loved, in some way or another, then he felt his phone buzz into life against his thigh.
" I'm sorry I wasn't always here," he murmured, before opening the door and leaving the room. He had to return to work- he knew that the buzz could be from no one other than his colleague. Yet something, perhaps the most crucial thing he had not realised was that nothing, not even her favourite stuffed animals, could be his substitute.

It's been.

It's been 11 weeks since he enlisted. That's almost 3 months.
I can't actually believe that it's already so fast, but indeed, time flies. Whether we're having "fun", fun or no fun at all, time passes, anyway. It's really kind of strange. It's something us humans have imposed, but yet we have no control over. The one things created by humans which we cannot destroy at will, if at all.

It's been 6 months since the first time we got together. And it's hitting the 7th month soon.
I remember how we met, I remember how he awkwardly blurted out a confession on the phone, and I remember how everything just fell into place so nicely, after his wasted time in his previous relationship and all his delusions. I guess that the best way I can describe this feeling is simply- relaxed. There's no pressure in this relationship at all ( pardon how wrong it sounds, yes), and any form of pressure is only that of time whereby we resolve things quickly before it escalates. And that's what I love most. How we know that despite our arguments, hellish schedule and strained moments, we know that it's out of love, cliche as it sounds. I'm glad things are working out for now.

It's been 4 weeks since I began my A levels. That's a month.
A whole month of tension, pain, stress and tears, with one more paper to go on Thursday and it'll be over. But no one's kidding when they said that the A levels are the HARDEST paper in Singapore, yes, even surpassing the uni tests that will probably wreck more havoc into my life ( assuming I get into the Uni, that is.) The papers passed in a blur, and to some extent I can't believe that my JC life is over. JC taught me so many things beyond the book; the most important one the lesson on growing up. JC forced me to see reality.

It'll be exactly 6 days till we go public.
I'm nervous, yet I'm excited. But then again, I'll never see these people who are going to judge me again. Plus, I'm happy. I'm happy to be with him, and I'm proud to have him as mine. Whatever the judgement for both him and I, I'm prepared for it.

It'll be 1 week to prom. That's the last day I'll ever see CJ as a quasi-whole again.
Half the school is going. Some of my good friends aren't even going because of their own reasons.
Nevertheless, I think it'll be something I look forward to. At least, I hope to look forward to. He won't be there, because he'll be stuck in camp, and despite that I know that prom marks the last time we'll see our acquaintances. Talk to them perhaps, to say a cordial goodbye and thank-you-for-being-my-classmate-for-the-past-two-years.

It'll be 1 week till I leave for USA.
That's the first time I'll be heading out west. I can't wait, literally. I'm so excited, for once, because I've been going to China for the past... 5 consecutive times? I'm not the Hollywood sort, but a change of scenery is nice. That, plus I haven't spoken Chinese for the past 1 year.( I'm suffering from a language death right here. ) But yes, I cannot wait. I can't wait to see the Colorado River I've been studying about for 2 years materialise, I cannot wait to test my own guts by walking on a glass bridge over the Grand Canyon and risk my life in the process, I cannot wait to see something other than the numerous temples for 5 years. It does get boring, after a while of seeing the same thing repeatedly. I guess the only thing I'm sad about is the fact that he won't be there to see me off. I remember when he sent me off to Changsha back in 2011 with a couple of friends- and this year, when he means so much more to me than just friends, he won't be there. He'll be outfield, and midway while I'm overseas, he'll be in field camp. And that means when I return from my trip he won't be there to welcome me back. I'll miss that, but I'll survive, I guess. 4 days after his field camp- that, I can't wait.

It'll be 4 months before my A level results are released again.
That thought is terrifying. Knowing that I already messed up my human geog paper BADLY, I fear for my results.I might fail Geog at this rate, and I might end up with straight Es and Ss, which will get me absolutely nowhere. Or I might get the reverse and get Cs, Bs and hopefully, an A here or there.
Most of my papers are over, anyway. Time to leave things to God and let Him decide what my next course in life shall be.

It'll been a while. It'll be a while.

I messed up Geog today. 

And yes I feel like hell. 

But what can I do? I can't cry (literally) over spilt milk(figuratively)

1 more paper. 

Make this last paper worthwhile Ju. 

Don't waste it. 

(well, at least if it's any consolation, this was the first BAD paper I've had so far. All the rest were pretty alright. )

2 more papers.

I can do this.
I can do this.
Don't burn out.
Don't burn out.

Even if the rest of your clique is ending this friday and you end next thursday, don't let your mind wander.

Focus.
Focus.
Focus.

You need this chance Ju. No heading to the poly, no heading to the private unis.

Everyone's telling you that you've got potential. Chu's been pushing you forward, despite his BMT. Your teachers believe in you. Your teachers tell you to stop putting so much pressure on yourself because you have potential. Friends you've not spoken to for some time tell you that you've got potential. Andre, Melina and the rest of them.

You can't let them down. Not now. Not ever.

Gasping for air, barely even breathing.
No I'm not asthmatic, but I think I might as well be.
I'm cracking from the bloody strain of the As. I'm admitting it, and so far in all my life I have never posted 4 times in the same day. Something must be nagging at my mind- and no it's not just PMS.

I fell asleep on my geog notes just now and had a really odd dream about cats. I dreamt that I was walking home with a good friend of mine when all of a sudden I was surrounded by cats. I remember I was pointing out this fat fluffy white one to my friend telling her that the cat's name was Olivet (that came from the cat that lives near Chu's house) when all of a sudden the cats stopped moving and I couldn't move as well. I just froze there, with my friend calling out to me and shaking me but I couldn't move, couldn't speak. The last thing I recall was falling down with Olivet in my arms, into this bottomless pit. Then I woke up.

It wasn't so much that the cats scared me. (well obviously), it was the thought of not being able to move or say anything when I most desired so. To explain myself, to scream, yell and call out to the other person to save me from falling; and yet, I couldn't. I was just stuck there, doomed to fall.

I'm in a terribly melancholic mood today ( productivity has, as a result, gone to hell) and I think it's a combination of being lonely, PMSey and stressed at one shot. I don't know. Whatever it is, he's coming over tomorrow.
At least that's something that'll hopefully cheer me up. 

Seedling

I don't know what made me write this post, maybe it's because I'm plain frustrated with everything that's going on around me now, which is what led to this sudden unexpected spammage here. Plus the fact that I'm already out of CJ, I think it's perfectly fine to make things clear. 

I remember that I used to love CJ back before all the problems started. I remember when I used to be part of the 'popular' clique in CJ, because that's when I was at my most carefree, believing that everyone was nice and understanding. Then the nonsense started with Nic- because back then while I was still innocent, he took advantage of the fact that I was innocent enough to believe the words of others without much questioning then. I was pretty dumb, I have to admit, and even while he mentally tortured me, I kept silent, thinking that that was merely part of a healthy relationship. 

I learnt the art of being watchful from that failed relationship, and while I had matured a bit, I hadn't grown fully. In the time lag between Nic and the next relationship, D, there were 3 others who tried their best to being my 'listening ear', ( to which afterward I found out they were merely trying to 'jio' me) I turned them down, because I wasn't ready. I knew it, and I didn't want to hurt them, neither did I want to put myself through further problems. I got over Nic, escaped to Cambridge some time after turning them down, and that's when I let my guard down- I met D. 

D initially didn't seem like the kind of guy who'd take advantage of me, because he seemed genuinely concerned for my welfare, or so I thought. My naivety took over me again, and I thought that since this guy seemed genuine in his thoughts and words, I believed his words that he would 'never hurt me'. Something should have caught my attention back then because I'd barely known him( I was still fairly dumb) but for some reason unfathomable to me even now, I didn't. I didn't see the warning signs, and didn't even think there was anything wrong when he started shouting at me with a frequency that intensified throughout our relationship. I thought that was normal, because immediately after a shouting match he'd come over and apologise, beg for mercy, and act sweet until something trivial annoyed him(like me not saying hi to him as I ran past his classroom because I was late for another lesson of mine, and the span between one shouting match and the next could be anything between 3 days and 10 mins) Throughout the relationship, I didn't want to raise any problems within our relationship because I feared that I would annoy him and raise hell. I merely complied, went along with whatever he wanted me to do, even if I felt it was wrong of me. The times I stood up ( and thank goodness I did, because he asked me to do things for him which I felt was not appropriate) against him often resulted in greater bouts of shouting. Upon reflection now, I'd say that my reputation in CJ was ruined because I merely went along with him and whatever he said- I was that disillusioned.

( I also realised from this that the people within CJ sometimes have too much time on their hands, and spread untruths about individuals in the school. To this, I merely say, you can spread whatever you want about me, but I know that I have a clear conscience. I've done nothing that I will feel ashamed of. That's all I need. )

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate CJ. I like the place and the friends ( the true ones I mean who stick with me) are some of the best friends that I have made and will make in my entire lifetime. But sometimes I feel that it's got far too much high-school drama, if you know what I mean. 

Back to topic, immediately after I ended the relationship (with the help of all my friends because honestly, I couldn't have done it on my own), I'd say that my singlehood after that was one of the best periods of my life. I depended on no one, and for once, I've lived by myself, something that I've always wanted. I wasn't ready to get into another relationship for a while and I knew it. Months later, one of the friends who helped me get over my breakup with D confessed to me. I was completely over D back then, but I wasn't sure if I was ready for another relationship because this guy was my best friend for 2 years ever since I began JC. We waited, while both of us thought through this carefully and in the end, we did get together. 

For the first time, I'm actually in a proper relationship for once. One that doesn't abuse me, and neither does he take advantage of me. For once, I can say I can trust knowing completely that he will not misuse this trust. For once, I can actually say that I know what being in love really is- when being with someone makes us want to better ourselves for them, when you want only the best for them and when you know you will never dream of hurting (physically and mentally I mean, because I got hurt both physically and mentally) them. 

As for CJ, well, it honestly doesn't matter what they think of me anymore. I know my intentions well enough that I actually know what I'm doing for once. I'm happy, and I'm not hurting him neither is he hurting me. As for CJ as a whole, I'd say thank you, because it's been marginally nice knowing you, but to my closest friends in CJ- Viola, Sindie, Xiang, Tate, Sarah (10 years babe :D), Yumi, Jom, Chu, Melvin, Zac, and many more, thanks for always being there for me. You've made my life bearable.

I think I need to stop looking at your old blog posts. For some reason, I'm continously attracted to it, reading about how painful you were last time, and how much you've become better. I don't even know why I'm mentally torturing myself like this, because each time I read your old blog posts I'm struck with this uncanny sense of melancholia which nothing( save for studies) ever do inflict upon me these days.
Maybe it's because I'm so happy with you I keep wanting to look at your past and think, hey, she would never have made you that happy, not even that tiny little bit. She never loved you, she never cared, and I'd go so far as stating that she probably cannot even be considered a good, let alone best friend, of yours- and 'perfect' relationship? It had more holes in it than swiss cheese.
Maybe the reason why I keep looking back at it is because I remember how you were back then, back when I first met you. And in my mind I'm thinking, wow so much for pining for her, she's not fit to be your friend.
Maybe it's because I wonder what your reaction would be like. If she meant so much to you and I mean a thousand times more, I wonder if you'd cry if I left you like you did back then. I wonder if you'd crumple up and feel horrible for a period of time like you did back then. Because I know I would. , way more than whatever you've done. I don't even know what I'd do without you, that's why I want to know if you'd do the same. How nowadays, I can't seem to cheer you up, even during a long day outfield, when she could make you happy by just being with you after a campfire which you didn't even sleep for days planning for it. I know this sounds terribly, horribly mean because just by doing all those things, she broke you down and hurt you. Something I'll never want to do. But I don't know how to reconcile the fact that I want to know, and the fact that I sound like one of those bitchy demanding bimbos.
 I have a low self esteem, I know, it's blatantly obvious. But that, I'm still trying to work on, desperately.

You tell me not to speak to N, because the likelihood is that he's still trying to get me back despite me being attached and your reason for doing is because you know N well enough to know that he's this sort of person. Well, unfamiliarity also breeds uncertainty, so how about me saying that I don't like you talking to her because she butchered you up emotionally as well? Precisely because I don't know her well, I wouldn't know if she's trying to get you back or not, would I? Even if you resist, I don't like the idea of her trying. I'd never know if she has ulterior motives, seeing as she once did in the past.
At the end of the day, this blog post would not make sense to anyone else but you. It's meant to be 'coded', in some weird way or another. It's also your choice if you choose to remain friends, because that, I can't stop you, just as you always like to say it.
I'm damn narcisstic, I know, but losing that relationship with that girl is probably the next best thing that happened to you, after getting me. Heheh.

I'm sorry for the lengthiness of this post. It could be the A level stress acting me up like that. I don't know.

This is going to be such a bitchy post. You've been warned.
I'm terribly Pmsey. I hate how my mood totally flips during this period of time (pun intended) and how my emotions fluctuate worse than... 2 men of different weights rapidly stepping on and off a weighing machine.
Met him today, and honestly, it didn't help that both of us were bitchy and moody at the same time (we're gonna have to live with this more often) yes he has BMT, but I'm having As, and they're not kidding when they say it's the HARDEST paper in Singapore. Even worst than uni.
Whatever it is, I'm going through every single emotion that ladies out there feel during their pmsey stage. Every. Single. One. It sucks like hell.
Urgh.

GP, Lit P1 and Math are finally over.
I've got a pretty bad feeling about the papers I've taken so far, actually. GP was fairly alright, but Lit P1 was definitely not my best attempt yet. I'm hoping for an A, although I'm crossing my fingers for that one- maybe a B would be more reasonable. I'm not sure if I even analysed the essay to be the best of my ability- though I must commend the lit department of CJ for hitting the nail as far as spotting passages were concerned. Then again, there's still P5, which I'm hoping will give me that much-envisioned A.
Math... I'd laugh if this is what eventually gives me an A, because the paper was manageable- too manageable that everyone found it easy too. Which means the bell curve might not lean in my favour- thus causing me to get a B as well.

B,B,B so far.

Next few papers are going to be the worst papers with all my H2s crammed together.
ELL and Geog, let's do this. 

Walk.

I think I made a right decision today. Today, I choose to forgive her for all the things she did to him in the past. All the short-changing of feelings, all the hurt, the embarrassment, the pain she made him waste on her, and the time wasted.

I'm not going to hold it against her anymore. I will force myself to make sure that she no longer crosses my mind, and that even if she did, it would not be ill thoughts. It will be hard, but I will try, nevertheless. Because what's happened in the past is the past, and there's no use revisiting the past if we want to write a new chapter. All this time, I've been struggling so hard to put her dishonourable deeds out of my mind, because I thought I'd never be able to forgive her for all that she's done. Because of her, I used to think, he became sad, sullen and moody. But I also realised that it's pretty much useless blaming her for what she had done right now as he's not longer the same, depressed person I first knew back in J1. Today, he's a happy, outgoing and spirited person- notwithstanding army, of course, which would kill anyone's mood anyway- and that's something I'm going to make sure he remains.

I will move on, and put her in the past, never to revisit her again because I will do my best to clear myself of all hard feelings for her, seeing as he has already done so himself and acknowledged that his relationship with her was a 'fiasco'. Speaking of moving on, I've finally allowed to let myself move on from my own past- my own disappointment, pain and worry- and never let that hinder my relationship with him again.

I'm not Tess, and unlike her, I do not, and will not let any form of guilt consume and hamper my progress, because the one thing I'm most certain about is this- I have a clear conscience, and my morals are intact. Mistakes are made by everyone- this I've learnt- and in the larger scale of things, life doesn't stop for anyone, and there's still a route to march, a life to lead. Whether or not I take the path less travelled in the future, it's still a path, however rocky it may be.

Let's do this.

Because.

I know that when stealth mode goes off, people will judge. Both him and me, for our actions, and for our past. I know one thing- that I have a clean conscience. It doesn't matter what the public say, because they never know the full story. He does, and so does my conscience. It's enough.

People will bring up my past, in an attempt to compare me against her. I know for one thing, because he's assured me over and over again, that I'm better than her. A thousand times. Because his 'fiasco' (I'm quoting his words) with her was never true. It was never love. And people will bring up his past. And I'm ready for it. Haters or otherwise, I'm ready for it. 

I'm happy with my life. I've made mistakes, just like him, and just like everyone else. Just like her. But the thing about these mistakes is that I've learnt from them, and forced myself to grow to become a better person. I was innocent once, and then the real world opened itself up to me. Its terrors and all it's menace. I've seen them, and once this stealth mode goes off, I can only say, Bring It On. Because I'm ready to receive what's left of any harsh judgement. 

At the end of the day, I know I did the right thing. It may not have been what I wanted, but I do know one thing for sure- I'm happy, because I left with my morals intact. It's a sad thing when people out there lack the common sense and the moral judgement to do the right thing- even after they've proclaim that they've grown up and know how to do these things then. It's just one of life's ironies.

I just hope that others out there know what's morals when they see it too. Hopefully so.

This is such a superficial, trivial issue. I shouldn't be technically bringing it up, but well, it struck me, and so I shall. 

I was looking through her photos and I realised one thing- she's as well-liked as he is. Wouldn't it be a more appropriate match for 2 well liked people to be together? ( Yes, I know it's terribly stupid because she's not his type, never was and never will be. In my opinion, I actually think she's unfit for any guy, but let's not go there yet. ) 

Also, as I once mentioned in a previous blog post, facebook 'likes' doesn't necessarily mean someone actually likes whatever/ whoever's in the photo, but sometimes, it's a little infuriating to see someone who's fake, plastic and pathetic get the friends. I guess that's the way the world works, and sad to say, some people haven't yet realised yet. 60+ likes on facebook on a photo and 500+ 'friends' when they've got no real value in any single friend? That's sad. 

I know he's often told me that I'm a thousand times better than she is, but that doesn't stop the occasional unhappy thoughts. I look at her, and yes, because he's tried so valiantly, I now know for a fact that I'm better than her, in every single way. I guess I should learn to forgive her for the way she treated him, because all she left me was a guy who's so much more mature, and so much more understanding than he ever was to her in the past. I should be studying, I know, but such thoughts sometimes creep one when one least expects it. Whatever it is, I know I did the right thing, because somehow, I've managed to tell myself truthfully that she doesn't mean a thing in his life now. 

So what if she's got 60 likes on her photo? That doesn't mean anything. It only breeds narcissism. And with what little knowledge I have of her, I'm not out to defame her, nor am I to judge her for her ill actions of the past. If it wasn't for his constant valiant attempts to tell me I'm way better, I probably wouldn't be in the secure state I am in today. I'm happy. 

Recently, I read this article whereby this lady was so obsessed over the number of likes/comments she got on Facebook when she posted pictures or shared status updates. This eventually began to affect her social life as she felt that with more than 400 friends on facebook, at least SOME should comment on her statuses/ like them, at the very least.

I remember sharing her experience once. The amount of likes/ comments that I received from my friends on photos or status updates was something that could, literally, make me like a person more, just because he/she liked a status of mine, or commented on it.

That's what set me thinking. Facebook, and along with its menaces of addiction, such as resulting in facebook being a time-waster and losing precious working hours because one is so addicted to facebook has long been a hotly debated topic- possibly on the verge of being cliche. But perhaps I'd like to look at the menaces facebook offers not so much as an economic disadvantage, but rather, a social one.

I think Facebook runs on a very different social code from that of real life. Limitations of the internet result in one action having many different meanings. While on the surface, it looks fairly simple- share a photo, tell your friends what's happening to you, but perhaps it's the implications that underlie it that matter more. Liking 'liking' a photo, for example. Maybe that person truly 'likes' what you post. Maybe he thinks it's funny. Or the contrary- maybe he thinks it's ridiculous or stupid. The list goes on. And when we actually start to decipher the different meanings as to why someone likes a photo, posts a comment or merely ignores whatever you've posted, I think that's when Facebook actually becomes menacing. When we're obsessed with gaining validation not from real life, but via the internet. When it becomes a cause for concern- when we benchmark our social lives based on interactions on Facebook,  of all things.

That's why I believe otherwise- I think that having someone 'like' your photo isn't a big deal. A photo of 2 supposedly hot girls get a thousand likes? Big deal. A mundane status update/photo (which sometimes borders on the verge of appearing narcissistic) which gets 20/30 likes? Right, so people are just that superficial. And sometimes, having 20-30 likes could be a greater source of concern- why are people even liking my photo in the first place? They're laughing not with me, but AT me? More worries. Having true, proper friends are perhaps a much better social validation than anything facebook could ever offer, if at all.

The lady.

I hear people all around me saying, " Oh noooo my boyfriend hasn't texted me for 3 hours! What do I do, does he love me anymore? " Or things like, " I haven't seen my boyfriend for one whole day my life  is going to end! :(( "

 

You think not seeing him for a day is hard? Look at my situation. I'm the girlfriend of an army boy. Whose guy is serving in the SAF and - get this straight- not even in places like Tekong, whereby there's still a reasonable amount of welfare. He's in 1SIR. A rifleman. The lowest rung in the army. I'll leave you to figure out the type of welfare he's given yourself. 

I don't see him every day, only once a week, and that's already a privilege granted that confinement may occur anytime. Each week, I'm praying and hoping that when Friday comes, I won't receive his call, saying, " dear, I'm confined this week. Sorry." but rather, " I can't wait to see you tomorrow!" I have to 'man up' to the situation that in the very near future I'll have to go for a week without talking to him, let alone seeing him, or even 2 to 3 weeks overseas whereby he won't get to speak with me at all. 

NS doesn't just toughen up the guys. It toughens the girls too, by making them confront a situation that,at 18 years, should still be fairly premature. Having a relationship while in the army is a very risky thing. It's a make or break situation, whereby both partners weather the storm together and ultimately survive, or break off because the situation of a stay-in unit is too much to handle. 

The latter is the situation I fear will happen to the couples who are simply unable to go for days without seeing each other. The constant fear that ' my guy will leave me just because he hasn't spoken to me for a day' is the one thing that will kill a relationship in NS, because whatever it may be, there will definitely be days whereby he won't be able to speak to you, the girlfriend. Then what? 

I guess that's what they mean by NS is the 'greatest test of a relationship'. I can see it now, and I can see why. Not everyone is going to make it. And especially for people like me, who's boyfriends are in the infantry, it's even worse. I'm not going to say that a relationship grows stronger because it's been put to the test so often. I'm going to say that it's simply because these tests force both to grow up, and if the rate at which they grow up is faster than the challenges, the relationship's going to last. Somehow. 

Good luck to all those out there who're facing the same situation as I am. Make it or break it, you decide. 

I remember how I posted something about learning how to live as an army girlfriend 5 days into his enlistment sometime back. Guess what? Come this Saturday, it would have been a month. A whole month of NS.
Time seems to pass really quickly for me out here, and in a way, I like this new routine because living in the midst of my A level preparations, time passes quicker than normal, which would also mean that time for him would pass equally as quickly.

I miss the times we could just meet up anywhere, anytime, and as and when we felt like it. It's the one thing that I really miss, and that's the one thing I hate the most about him being in there. The fact that we have limited time to see each other and spend time with each other.

I guess that also accounts for the fact that we've both become much more independent now. I miss him still, and no less- but I'm coping with his absence. With a few texts a day and a call, and that's only because it's the PTP stage. BMT will be a whole different story altogether, or so I hear from what he's told me so far, but honestly, the fact that we've lived through one whole month of NS without major upheavals in our relationship probably proves that our relationship really has something solid in it this time. And when my A levels come, I'll face this one with even more independence, because that will be a trying period for both of us.

It's rare to finally find someone with the same ideals as I do, and honestly, I think you can guess from the way I'm being so open about it, that I'm becoming more lax with stealth mode. It's more like semi-stealth mode now, seeing as more and more people are getting to know of this, and contrary to what we originally thought, people aren't judging us, but are rather, happy for us. Which is a strange, but very relieving situation indeed. Though I suppose I can't really rest on my laurels- there are people out there who'll still judge, because through some warped mindset or other they derive happiness from seeing others in misery. JC has a lot of that. High school drama, even though we're supposed to be acting like adults. Some people just don't ever grow up.

That aside, I'd say, judge all you want, because I'm leaving this place. I'm leaving this college, and don't get me wrong, I don't hate CJ. I've met some really true friends in this place and I'll be sad to have to go separate ways. It's just the gossip, scandalous parts of CJ that I really hate- because there are so few people who are actually mature enough to act their age. Most people act otherwise, judging, gossiping and spreading untrue scandals and tales. If I were given the option, there should be a division by maturity, and not by age.

Alright, enough about CJ. I don't want to defame CJ, because, as I said previously, I love the friends I have met in there and I like the place. In fact, I even met him there, back then before he left CJ. As a recruit now, life is very different, but as always, there'll be different phases of our lives, and with it, different and perhaps tougher challenges. It's how we learn to adapt.

I remember how I started off a countdown to As early on this year. A whole year more to go, I thought.

And suddenly, it's 32 days to As. This isn't even a joke anymore.
I've never felt so much stress. Never.
(I'm on the verge of breaking down as I'm typing this. )
There's ELL, Geog, and Literature, with H1 math.
The very few subjects (with the exception of math) that I was so confident of passing when I first stepped into CJC and donned the light blue uniform. I was carefree, hopeful, and vocal.

How things have changed. I'm downcast, and hope? What hope is there left? I'd actually go as far as saying that only divine intervention would enable me to make it past this As, because as of status quo, I am NOT. GETTING. ANYWHERE.

I remember back in Sec4 when my form teacher told us that we weren't cut out of JC. I believe her now. A tad too late, a vast understatement. I didn't even think it would be that different. Now I'm running to the library to borrow linguistic book after book because that's what I think is going to save me. Written, spoken, multimodal texts. Significant linguistic features. Grammer, cohesion, morphology. Discourse managing strategies, non-fluency features. Paper 2- debates with regard to the English language. Is it possible to have English as a global language? How will that affect the linguistic diversity both between varieties of the English Language and between different languages? Will they converge or diverge? How about the internet, and the convergence towards using a specific variety of the English language as a lingua franca? New Englishes, Standard English ( Std American English) and it's non-standard variety (Ebonics or 'Black African American English?)What are the features of these varieties of the English Language in terms of lexis, syntax, grammar and discourse?

Confused yet? Yeah. That's only a drop in the ocean. I'm having a splitting headache now.

To all my poly friends, you might see me in poly next year. Beginning the year as a freshie.
OKAY NO JULYN NO. DO NOT THINK OF ALTERNATIVES NOW. IT IS ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL YOU DON'T.

I feel like snapping. I'm snapping almost every single night on the phone while talking to him. And he's in NS now. Doubly worse that he can't be physically here with me. But I know I'll pull through. Perhaps I'd say that this relationship was the best thing that happened this year. Poor him, though. I feel bad having to put him through comforting me almost every night because of this emotional rut I'm stuck in.

I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, with all the teachers and all the consultations I have in line, plus the mock exams. I'm sounding terribly whiny now but I can't help it.

I want to cry, I want to turn my back on all this examinations and shit and lie back and watch the clouds.
But I can't. I got to keep moving forward. Keep pushing.
Time to head back to doing my Geog essay. Propeties of limestone rocks and it's vulnerability to weathering, here I come.

There's been a lot of problems recently. And some of them will be terribly hard to solve, but I'll try, anyway.

Everyone who's had a friend (which is virtually everyone unless you're a mountain hermit) knows that the one thing you don't do is to bitch about that friend behind his/her back, no matter how bitter you are. For an 18 year old, that is terribly immature behaviour. You choose to pretend to act covert, going behind our backs to bitch about us quietly, thinking you're doing an amazing job of doing so- but you are in fact, doing the ultimate disservice to yourself. Think about it; you bitch to friend A about friend B, then bitch about friend B to friend A, then create a Whatsapp group to bitch about friend C to friend A and B, then bitch to friend C about friend A and B. Multiply that by friends A to literally Z, and there you have it, the complicated scenario for which you so beautifully constructed for yourself.

The thing is, it's immature. I haven't dealt with such an issue since I was in P6. Back then, had I been the one you were bitching about, I would have cried and thought of what I could have possibly done wrong. But now? Yes, the situation is still the same- I AM the one you're bitching about, but in my case, what wrong have I done? None, and I have perfectly clear about it. My conscience is clear, and I know I have done nothing wrong.

Somehow or other, you choose to find wrong in something that had absolutely no bad intentions. Yes, I've changed, and you chose to perceive it as a bad thing. Oh no, you said at first, he's turning me into a bad person, that now I am becoming all angry and annoyed with the world. Thankfully though, I never believed a word of it because as far as everyone else is concerned, the new me is headstrong and finally able to stand up for my own rights. You hate that, don't you? You hate the fact that I'm not as naive as I possibly once was, allowing you to.... let's not go there. But if you're reading it, yes, you should know what you've done. One day, I decided that enough was enough. Telling you a couple of times in the past wasn't enough, and I'm attached now, to someone whom I can foresee spending my life with. So, I physically stopped it. I pushed you away whenever you tried to come to me (physically), because guys should know their limits when interacting with female friends. Why did I allow it in the past, then? Because I was naive, and I believed that you were doing it to everyone, not just me. Turns out that more than just a handful of people had realised that it was especially prominent with me, while the rest were merely just diluted versions.

I know why, and I shall not mention it here. I will merely state that that was what seemed to have caused the entire situation to snowball- because you were so bitter about the situation, about you not being able to get something you wanted and having to learn the art of giving up sometimes, that you chose to let that bitterness manifest. That's when the bitching started. You are, or should I say, were, my close friend, and as a result of that, you know all my secrets. You knew his secrets too, because he was a good friend of yours as well before this entire fiasco began, and guessed what? You did just what a boy would do- a boy, I say, because men don't behave like that- you used my secrets against us, as weapons of attack against the 2 of us with an intention of... what? No one can figure out, but a negative one nevertheless, because of all the hostility you're building- not within us, but against yourself. It's you against us, as you so aptly put it when I sat down to speak with you one day because speaking and talking things out is a much more mature way to handle situations. (speaking of sitting down and talking it out with you, both my friend and I who were present have noticed that you hid things from us, even as I was trying to be absolutely transparent with you so as to clear up the matter- if you cannot cooperate, it is no fault of ours, we have tried.) "I won't ever judge you," you said. " Oh gosh, I can't believe she..." you say now. And "Hypocrite," you now call me. "It's alright, "you said in the past, to his drinking habit back then. "Dumbass," you say now, on the very same topic of his drinking habit. How... strangely paradoxical. As always, classic examples of the 'pot calling the kettle black' always existed in this world. So does blatant lying, deceit and virulence, for which you so  conscientiously stated, "I swear I never called him/her that!" 

Returning back to the point, you used my secrets and his secrets against us, with the seeming intention of tearing us apart, of wiggling your way through both of us to have your way. (I say seeming because this, please prove me wrong, I most certainly hope you aren't THAT immoral and vile yet.) However, this has not done anything but make us stronger as a pair, and has in fact taught us to be mature individuals who know how to tackle a problem with it arises, and not the person. We're not children, and we do hope to see a future together, so starting an issue with the 2 of us isn't in fact going to rip us apart, but in fact will, and has already, made us a stronger and more independent pair.

This, plus details which I have obviously chose to leave out here because this is going online, is creating a situation that isn't tearing our group apart- merely tearing you away from us. To be honest, the entire group isn't pleased with your actions, especially where the bitching is concerned, because which kind of friend bitches and backstabs? A fake friend that is. I may have more reason to be unhappy, but I'm choosing not to be because it's the one issue you have to fix first- bitching. I hope you understand that such actions are not how 18 year olds behave.

Random musings

It's strange how life throws us unexpected obstacles, for which we either develop from, or fall back from in despair. It's even stranger when sometimes, these obstacles are what we have to accept depending on the choices that we make.

4 months ago, I made a decision. I knew full well the implications of my decision, but I chose to go ahead with it nevertheless. 4months later, it's taught me certain things I never thought I would have learnt. How some things can be so close to your heart despite you never actually experiencing it yourself.

I'm talking about the life as an army girlfriend here.

Honestly though, it's a surprise how quickly I adapt to such things when the need arises. I never thought I'd one day be the one who'd have to understand and accept the situation that once seemed so alien to me.

And with learning to accept these circumstances, there will be changes that I thought wouldn't have been so hard to adapt to, but for which are difficult. Suddenly, every single text counts. Every call consists of no more than 5 seconds of silence. And there's no time for petty, small issues. In short, both sides became a tad more independent- all within a span of 5 days. It's strangely surprising. I remember how I spent my first day sitting at home alone and tearing up each time I thought about how my life and his life would change in the next 2 years. Yes, it's only been 5 days, but how much have changed during this duration.

For one thing, I've come to accept the situation, as difficult as I thought it would have been to make the transition. Accepting that there will be reduced contact may be just one thing, but appears to be the most crucial thing when making that transition. From more than 50 texts a day to 5, the initial stage was bitter and painful. Yes it was heartwrenching, but honestly, it's surprising how much the human mind can accept when there's no other choice other than to live it through. I can't demand that he call me 5 times a day, and neither can I expect calls late into the night that last over 2 hours. I can't. It's simply not possible. And despite it being a painful realisation (even as I was mentally prepared for the challenges) it's strange how within a span of a few days I've proven to myself just how much I'm willing to undergo for the sake of this relationship.

I hear him tell me about the life within the army camp, and truthfully, from the perspective of someone who's not living the regimented life itself, I can say that it's difficult to imagine. It's difficult to imagine the effort needed in ensuring his rifle is cleaned, his boots are Kiwi-ed, his pillow cases and blankets are arranged in the exact same order as all his bunkmates, even his toothbrush that must be hung in the same way as everyone else.

It's difficult to imagine the confusion and turmoil they face when they are suddenly shunted into a routine where literally everything is planned out for them and where they are taught to obey instructions like puppets, when they were normal civilians just a few hours before, able to make the decision as to whether they should get up at 6am or 10am, decide if they want maggi mee or prata for breakfast, or have a choice as to what they want to wear for the day.

It's difficult to imagine the pain he faces when he has to leave his family members, his girlfriend, and the comfort of his own room to serve the nation.

I hear him tell me about how the NS is the greatest test of a relationship, and how by the first day, so many of his bunk mates are already facing the strain of the relationship. I hear him tell me how his buddy was alone by the drain and looking extremely sian because he was already facing relationship problems. And it hurts to hear things like this, because she, and many other girls including myself, will not understand the pain of having to worry about his girlfriend while he is forced to leopard crawl, crab walk, and shout, "contacted!" with this additional worry on his mind. Sometimes we might end up being an unintentional burden to him- something I will never want to put him through.

It's only been 5 days, and yes we have a long way to go. In time to come, there will be deployments overseas for 2 to 3 months. But I think that the least we can do, as outsiders to the army life, is to understand. Understand his plight the best we can, even if we can't experience it ourselves. Let him talk about his life as a 'chao recruit' and be there for him in spirit, letting him know that we will support him no matter what, such that he knows that even after being shouted at by his sergeant he will still have you to lean on, as someone whom he knows will bring him comfort even at his lowest. And perhaps, not whine when he can't text or call you often because the lack of contact is never your man's fault, because the one thing that he wants to do is to be able to call you or text you whenever it is possible- you are a form of catharsis, and perhaps his only source of relief.

I will end off by saying, again, that yes, you might scoff at this, thinking that it's only been 5 days since he enlisted. But these 5 days, in fact, the days immediately after he enlists will be the most crucial days because in those days I've learnt more about my situation than I will learn in the 2 years. True, there will be other issues that may appear in the future, but as it is, I'm happy that the most pertinent issues have already been spotted, and for which I have already adapted to.

"...there's a decent chance...but 1SIR is usually spared (going overseas for 1 year)."

The thought frightens me like hell. The possibly scares me. Yes the though suddenly struck me but It frightens me so badly I don't even know what to do or say anymore. I don't even know how I could cope if something like that actually does happen.

I don't even know why there's so much difficulty. How much more tests do we have to go through? God, please don't make us go through this. How many more hurdles do You want us to undergo? Please... Just.. Spare us this one.

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The calm after a storm.

1st day. 

And I already feel empty. Like a sick, empty sensation that strikes at the base of the stomach which winds its way up to the throat. 

This is vaguely nostalgic because I remember feeling the same form of 'You-need-to-be-strong-now' mentality when I first broke up. The sickening form of sadness that gives that terribly empty feeling. Thing is, this time, it's not the same case. Obviously. He's just gone in, and he wants to see you as much as you do. There's nothing about a broken heart, and there's nothing about a loss of love. In fact, if anything, love is something that's becoming more and more strongly rekindled as we treasure the time we have with each other more. 

It's a stark contrast, a jarring, painful one because after all those days of seeing each other, suddenly he's taken away from me. At least I can say that I'm adapting quickly to this new change. Yes, I cried my eyes out last night (and a little of today) fearing the worst- that he'd have platoon mates that would hate him, that he wouldn't be able to fit in and worse still, that he will get injured. But perhaps the one thing that hurt me most was not being able to talk to him as and when I wished (as selfish as it sounds.) 

I haven't felt something like that in such a long time. Or actually, I've never felt something like that before even, because this time, the feeling of care is so much deeper and so much stronger. Which is also perhaps the reason why I'm also adapting as fast as I can. Because this time round, I want it to last. I want us both to grow out of it strong and caring for each other even more. I want to be able to live life knowing that he'd never give me up.

In fact, it's his constant reassurance on that last point that makes me feel safe. For the first time ever, I don't have to worry if feelings will fade, and I won't have to worry he'd be tired and sick of me. I know that's never going to happen. And it's with all this encouragement and reassurance, there's nothing left to fear. I've lived by myself before, and honestly, this period of BMT will be help me to grow into a stronger, more independent person. 

It's taught me to value our relationship more too. Any text or call is a valuable thing to me for which I treasure so greatly. It's the one thing that can surely brighten my day. In fact, through the text and the call, I've been greatly reassured as well. The camp is alright, the bunks are fine too, and most importantly, his buddy and his platoon mates are good people whom I will trust(though I've never met them) to not give him a hard time. Today's but the 1st day, and they say it will be 'hell' the next few days, but well, one thing I'm happy for is that he wouldn't be left out. 

There were so many issues and problems we ironed out before going in, and it's comforting that we can talk it out. Even through this period, my promise to you is, if you're reading this, that I will always talk things out with you no matter what. I will never keep things from you, and I will never leave an argument unsolved. Mentally and physically, I will take care of myself, and I want you to do the same. 

Thanks for always being stoic, and well, I know that I needn't have to worry for you as a result.

2 more weeks. Let's do this, and let's live this through together. 

Tomorrow. 

Does that word frighten me? You bet it does. But I don't have a choice. Accept it. 

Tomorrow, he's going to walk through those gates and start a whole new chapter of his life as a NS man. 

Tomorrow, he's going to cease being a civilian becoming a member of the SAF, and I'll have to adapt to this new schedule. 

Tomorrow, he's not going to have much time to text me, call me, tweet, blog or facebook anymore. 

For you. 

I don't have to say much here. Most of which have been already said, because thank goodness I can speak to you easily without fearing that you'd get upset at me. Also, the letters which I've written will be just about the best things I can offer you while you're in there, and that hopefully these will sustain you till I next see you again, when you'll probably get a whole lot more letters, heh. Thanks for always being my bastion and my best friend, really. 

I promise I'll be okay. Please be okay for me too, alright? :)

Tata for now then, and see you soon:)

"Even if you find someone else better, will you please not let me go?"

What if you did? Will you leave me too? Will you walk away?  

I want to be perfect for you.
But I doubt I'd ever be

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Is it me or am I becoming less knowledgeable nowadays?

The hell is wrong with me or have I been simply immersing myself in studies too much I'm starting to forget the outside world. I can't remember my entire vocabulary of words I've forced myself so hard to remember since I was in primary school, and I'm starting to wonder if I'm indeed shrinking knowledge- wise.
I don't have time to read books, I don't have time to do PT or do anything I like. Simply put, I don't have a life.

And I hate it when I don't know what someone is talking about, dislike how I sometimes have to pretend to understand what's going on so as to mask the fact that I don't have a clue. At all.

But that's the way with all A level students I guess.

I'm tired.

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I'm better than her. I tell myself that a million times a day in the hope of eventually being able to believe what I say and perhaps I'm finally beginning to live my own words. 

"I'm better than her."

You've said it yourself, which is perhaps by far the greatest source of comfort I could have asked for. It doesn't matter to me how other people viewed your past, because I've heard everything from her being a 'great girl' to your past relationship 'blossoming'. It doesn't matter because what others hear isn't always the truth because all they see of a relationship is the superficial outer exterior. What matters most is what you tell me, that I'm better than her no matter what, a 'thousand times better' and that I mean a 'thousand times more'. That your past was 'forced' and that what you did in the relationship was done not naturally, but because you were 'supposed' to do it, which of course implies it's a terribly Lucy-Cecil relationship, whereby everything is planned and where nothing is spontaneous. 

Bottom line is? I'm glad you told me I'm better than her. It's the only source of comfort I have.

This may sound terribly narcissistic, but the truth is, I'm only doing this because convincing myself that I'm the best for you is the only way I can look back at whatever you've told me about her in the past and go, "I'm better than that." 

And why I say I'm starting to believe my words that I am indeed better than her is because of everything that's been done and been said to me so far. From what I heard and based on that alone, I think it's ridiculous to dump someone just because you favour a more 'manly' person. You get into a relationship knowing full well the implications of a long-term commitment (unless of course, you weren't even looking for a long term commitment) and knowing the person for his/her flaws completely. You decided against doing such a thing, decided to change and dump a perfectly good person leaving him in a wreck. I mean, where's the morality in that? As and when you decide change is needed you do so, leaving wreckage in your wake- wreckage that sometimes isn't cleared easily (you were lucky.) Looking back now, I'm glad you didn't try to take the relationship further because doing so would have harmed him. Perhaps that's the reason why I'm so indignant- the harm you inflicted upon him through immature ways.

And again, as narcissistic as this may sound, I'm glad I'm not that kind of person. And again, that's why I say I'm better than her. 

I've never been so certain for once in my life. And well, this is neither meant to be cocky nor, as I've been saying, narcissistic. It's meant as a form of self-encouragement.