Seedling

I don't know what made me write this post, maybe it's because I'm plain frustrated with everything that's going on around me now, which is what led to this sudden unexpected spammage here. Plus the fact that I'm already out of CJ, I think it's perfectly fine to make things clear. 

I remember that I used to love CJ back before all the problems started. I remember when I used to be part of the 'popular' clique in CJ, because that's when I was at my most carefree, believing that everyone was nice and understanding. Then the nonsense started with Nic- because back then while I was still innocent, he took advantage of the fact that I was innocent enough to believe the words of others without much questioning then. I was pretty dumb, I have to admit, and even while he mentally tortured me, I kept silent, thinking that that was merely part of a healthy relationship. 

I learnt the art of being watchful from that failed relationship, and while I had matured a bit, I hadn't grown fully. In the time lag between Nic and the next relationship, D, there were 3 others who tried their best to being my 'listening ear', ( to which afterward I found out they were merely trying to 'jio' me) I turned them down, because I wasn't ready. I knew it, and I didn't want to hurt them, neither did I want to put myself through further problems. I got over Nic, escaped to Cambridge some time after turning them down, and that's when I let my guard down- I met D. 

D initially didn't seem like the kind of guy who'd take advantage of me, because he seemed genuinely concerned for my welfare, or so I thought. My naivety took over me again, and I thought that since this guy seemed genuine in his thoughts and words, I believed his words that he would 'never hurt me'. Something should have caught my attention back then because I'd barely known him( I was still fairly dumb) but for some reason unfathomable to me even now, I didn't. I didn't see the warning signs, and didn't even think there was anything wrong when he started shouting at me with a frequency that intensified throughout our relationship. I thought that was normal, because immediately after a shouting match he'd come over and apologise, beg for mercy, and act sweet until something trivial annoyed him(like me not saying hi to him as I ran past his classroom because I was late for another lesson of mine, and the span between one shouting match and the next could be anything between 3 days and 10 mins) Throughout the relationship, I didn't want to raise any problems within our relationship because I feared that I would annoy him and raise hell. I merely complied, went along with whatever he wanted me to do, even if I felt it was wrong of me. The times I stood up ( and thank goodness I did, because he asked me to do things for him which I felt was not appropriate) against him often resulted in greater bouts of shouting. Upon reflection now, I'd say that my reputation in CJ was ruined because I merely went along with him and whatever he said- I was that disillusioned.

( I also realised from this that the people within CJ sometimes have too much time on their hands, and spread untruths about individuals in the school. To this, I merely say, you can spread whatever you want about me, but I know that I have a clear conscience. I've done nothing that I will feel ashamed of. That's all I need. )

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate CJ. I like the place and the friends ( the true ones I mean who stick with me) are some of the best friends that I have made and will make in my entire lifetime. But sometimes I feel that it's got far too much high-school drama, if you know what I mean. 

Back to topic, immediately after I ended the relationship (with the help of all my friends because honestly, I couldn't have done it on my own), I'd say that my singlehood after that was one of the best periods of my life. I depended on no one, and for once, I've lived by myself, something that I've always wanted. I wasn't ready to get into another relationship for a while and I knew it. Months later, one of the friends who helped me get over my breakup with D confessed to me. I was completely over D back then, but I wasn't sure if I was ready for another relationship because this guy was my best friend for 2 years ever since I began JC. We waited, while both of us thought through this carefully and in the end, we did get together. 

For the first time, I'm actually in a proper relationship for once. One that doesn't abuse me, and neither does he take advantage of me. For once, I can say I can trust knowing completely that he will not misuse this trust. For once, I can actually say that I know what being in love really is- when being with someone makes us want to better ourselves for them, when you want only the best for them and when you know you will never dream of hurting (physically and mentally I mean, because I got hurt both physically and mentally) them. 

As for CJ, well, it honestly doesn't matter what they think of me anymore. I know my intentions well enough that I actually know what I'm doing for once. I'm happy, and I'm not hurting him neither is he hurting me. As for CJ as a whole, I'd say thank you, because it's been marginally nice knowing you, but to my closest friends in CJ- Viola, Sindie, Xiang, Tate, Sarah (10 years babe :D), Yumi, Jom, Chu, Melvin, Zac, and many more, thanks for always being there for me. You've made my life bearable.