I think I need to stop looking at your old blog posts. For some reason, I'm continously attracted to it, reading about how painful you were last time, and how much you've become better. I don't even know why I'm mentally torturing myself like this, because each time I read your old blog posts I'm struck with this uncanny sense of melancholia which nothing( save for studies) ever do inflict upon me these days.
Maybe it's because I'm so happy with you I keep wanting to look at your past and think, hey, she would never have made you that happy, not even that tiny little bit. She never loved you, she never cared, and I'd go so far as stating that she probably cannot even be considered a good, let alone best friend, of yours- and 'perfect' relationship? It had more holes in it than swiss cheese.
Maybe the reason why I keep looking back at it is because I remember how you were back then, back when I first met you. And in my mind I'm thinking, wow so much for pining for her, she's not fit to be your friend.
Maybe it's because I wonder what your reaction would be like. If she meant so much to you and I mean a thousand times more, I wonder if you'd cry if I left you like you did back then. I wonder if you'd crumple up and feel horrible for a period of time like you did back then. Because I know I would. , way more than whatever you've done. I don't even know what I'd do without you, that's why I want to know if you'd do the same. How nowadays, I can't seem to cheer you up, even during a long day outfield, when she could make you happy by just being with you after a campfire which you didn't even sleep for days planning for it. I know this sounds terribly, horribly mean because just by doing all those things, she broke you down and hurt you. Something I'll never want to do. But I don't know how to reconcile the fact that I want to know, and the fact that I sound like one of those bitchy demanding bimbos.
I have a low self esteem, I know, it's blatantly obvious. But that, I'm still trying to work on, desperately.
You tell me not to speak to N, because the likelihood is that he's still trying to get me back despite me being attached and your reason for doing is because you know N well enough to know that he's this sort of person. Well, unfamiliarity also breeds uncertainty, so how about me saying that I don't like you talking to her because she butchered you up emotionally as well? Precisely because I don't know her well, I wouldn't know if she's trying to get you back or not, would I? Even if you resist, I don't like the idea of her trying. I'd never know if she has ulterior motives, seeing as she once did in the past.
At the end of the day, this blog post would not make sense to anyone else but you. It's meant to be 'coded', in some weird way or another. It's also your choice if you choose to remain friends, because that, I can't stop you, just as you always like to say it.
I'm damn narcisstic, I know, but losing that relationship with that girl is probably the next best thing that happened to you, after getting me. Heheh.
I'm sorry for the lengthiness of this post. It could be the A level stress acting me up like that. I don't know.
Maybe it's because I'm so happy with you I keep wanting to look at your past and think, hey, she would never have made you that happy, not even that tiny little bit. She never loved you, she never cared, and I'd go so far as stating that she probably cannot even be considered a good, let alone best friend, of yours- and 'perfect' relationship? It had more holes in it than swiss cheese.
Maybe the reason why I keep looking back at it is because I remember how you were back then, back when I first met you. And in my mind I'm thinking, wow so much for pining for her, she's not fit to be your friend.
Maybe it's because I wonder what your reaction would be like. If she meant so much to you and I mean a thousand times more, I wonder if you'd cry if I left you like you did back then. I wonder if you'd crumple up and feel horrible for a period of time like you did back then. Because I know I would. , way more than whatever you've done. I don't even know what I'd do without you, that's why I want to know if you'd do the same. How nowadays, I can't seem to cheer you up, even during a long day outfield, when she could make you happy by just being with you after a campfire which you didn't even sleep for days planning for it. I know this sounds terribly, horribly mean because just by doing all those things, she broke you down and hurt you. Something I'll never want to do. But I don't know how to reconcile the fact that I want to know, and the fact that I sound like one of those bitchy demanding bimbos.
I have a low self esteem, I know, it's blatantly obvious. But that, I'm still trying to work on, desperately.
You tell me not to speak to N, because the likelihood is that he's still trying to get me back despite me being attached and your reason for doing is because you know N well enough to know that he's this sort of person. Well, unfamiliarity also breeds uncertainty, so how about me saying that I don't like you talking to her because she butchered you up emotionally as well? Precisely because I don't know her well, I wouldn't know if she's trying to get you back or not, would I? Even if you resist, I don't like the idea of her trying. I'd never know if she has ulterior motives, seeing as she once did in the past.
At the end of the day, this blog post would not make sense to anyone else but you. It's meant to be 'coded', in some weird way or another. It's also your choice if you choose to remain friends, because that, I can't stop you, just as you always like to say it.
I'm damn narcisstic, I know, but losing that relationship with that girl is probably the next best thing that happened to you, after getting me. Heheh.
I'm sorry for the lengthiness of this post. It could be the A level stress acting me up like that. I don't know.
No comments:
Post a Comment