It's been.

It's been 11 weeks since he enlisted. That's almost 3 months.
I can't actually believe that it's already so fast, but indeed, time flies. Whether we're having "fun", fun or no fun at all, time passes, anyway. It's really kind of strange. It's something us humans have imposed, but yet we have no control over. The one things created by humans which we cannot destroy at will, if at all.

It's been 6 months since the first time we got together. And it's hitting the 7th month soon.
I remember how we met, I remember how he awkwardly blurted out a confession on the phone, and I remember how everything just fell into place so nicely, after his wasted time in his previous relationship and all his delusions. I guess that the best way I can describe this feeling is simply- relaxed. There's no pressure in this relationship at all ( pardon how wrong it sounds, yes), and any form of pressure is only that of time whereby we resolve things quickly before it escalates. And that's what I love most. How we know that despite our arguments, hellish schedule and strained moments, we know that it's out of love, cliche as it sounds. I'm glad things are working out for now.

It's been 4 weeks since I began my A levels. That's a month.
A whole month of tension, pain, stress and tears, with one more paper to go on Thursday and it'll be over. But no one's kidding when they said that the A levels are the HARDEST paper in Singapore, yes, even surpassing the uni tests that will probably wreck more havoc into my life ( assuming I get into the Uni, that is.) The papers passed in a blur, and to some extent I can't believe that my JC life is over. JC taught me so many things beyond the book; the most important one the lesson on growing up. JC forced me to see reality.

It'll be exactly 6 days till we go public.
I'm nervous, yet I'm excited. But then again, I'll never see these people who are going to judge me again. Plus, I'm happy. I'm happy to be with him, and I'm proud to have him as mine. Whatever the judgement for both him and I, I'm prepared for it.

It'll be 1 week to prom. That's the last day I'll ever see CJ as a quasi-whole again.
Half the school is going. Some of my good friends aren't even going because of their own reasons.
Nevertheless, I think it'll be something I look forward to. At least, I hope to look forward to. He won't be there, because he'll be stuck in camp, and despite that I know that prom marks the last time we'll see our acquaintances. Talk to them perhaps, to say a cordial goodbye and thank-you-for-being-my-classmate-for-the-past-two-years.

It'll be 1 week till I leave for USA.
That's the first time I'll be heading out west. I can't wait, literally. I'm so excited, for once, because I've been going to China for the past... 5 consecutive times? I'm not the Hollywood sort, but a change of scenery is nice. That, plus I haven't spoken Chinese for the past 1 year.( I'm suffering from a language death right here. ) But yes, I cannot wait. I can't wait to see the Colorado River I've been studying about for 2 years materialise, I cannot wait to test my own guts by walking on a glass bridge over the Grand Canyon and risk my life in the process, I cannot wait to see something other than the numerous temples for 5 years. It does get boring, after a while of seeing the same thing repeatedly. I guess the only thing I'm sad about is the fact that he won't be there to see me off. I remember when he sent me off to Changsha back in 2011 with a couple of friends- and this year, when he means so much more to me than just friends, he won't be there. He'll be outfield, and midway while I'm overseas, he'll be in field camp. And that means when I return from my trip he won't be there to welcome me back. I'll miss that, but I'll survive, I guess. 4 days after his field camp- that, I can't wait.

It'll be 4 months before my A level results are released again.
That thought is terrifying. Knowing that I already messed up my human geog paper BADLY, I fear for my results.I might fail Geog at this rate, and I might end up with straight Es and Ss, which will get me absolutely nowhere. Or I might get the reverse and get Cs, Bs and hopefully, an A here or there.
Most of my papers are over, anyway. Time to leave things to God and let Him decide what my next course in life shall be.

It'll been a while. It'll be a while.

I messed up Geog today. 

And yes I feel like hell. 

But what can I do? I can't cry (literally) over spilt milk(figuratively)

1 more paper. 

Make this last paper worthwhile Ju. 

Don't waste it. 

(well, at least if it's any consolation, this was the first BAD paper I've had so far. All the rest were pretty alright. )

2 more papers.

I can do this.
I can do this.
Don't burn out.
Don't burn out.

Even if the rest of your clique is ending this friday and you end next thursday, don't let your mind wander.

Focus.
Focus.
Focus.

You need this chance Ju. No heading to the poly, no heading to the private unis.

Everyone's telling you that you've got potential. Chu's been pushing you forward, despite his BMT. Your teachers believe in you. Your teachers tell you to stop putting so much pressure on yourself because you have potential. Friends you've not spoken to for some time tell you that you've got potential. Andre, Melina and the rest of them.

You can't let them down. Not now. Not ever.

Gasping for air, barely even breathing.
No I'm not asthmatic, but I think I might as well be.
I'm cracking from the bloody strain of the As. I'm admitting it, and so far in all my life I have never posted 4 times in the same day. Something must be nagging at my mind- and no it's not just PMS.

I fell asleep on my geog notes just now and had a really odd dream about cats. I dreamt that I was walking home with a good friend of mine when all of a sudden I was surrounded by cats. I remember I was pointing out this fat fluffy white one to my friend telling her that the cat's name was Olivet (that came from the cat that lives near Chu's house) when all of a sudden the cats stopped moving and I couldn't move as well. I just froze there, with my friend calling out to me and shaking me but I couldn't move, couldn't speak. The last thing I recall was falling down with Olivet in my arms, into this bottomless pit. Then I woke up.

It wasn't so much that the cats scared me. (well obviously), it was the thought of not being able to move or say anything when I most desired so. To explain myself, to scream, yell and call out to the other person to save me from falling; and yet, I couldn't. I was just stuck there, doomed to fall.

I'm in a terribly melancholic mood today ( productivity has, as a result, gone to hell) and I think it's a combination of being lonely, PMSey and stressed at one shot. I don't know. Whatever it is, he's coming over tomorrow.
At least that's something that'll hopefully cheer me up. 

Seedling

I don't know what made me write this post, maybe it's because I'm plain frustrated with everything that's going on around me now, which is what led to this sudden unexpected spammage here. Plus the fact that I'm already out of CJ, I think it's perfectly fine to make things clear. 

I remember that I used to love CJ back before all the problems started. I remember when I used to be part of the 'popular' clique in CJ, because that's when I was at my most carefree, believing that everyone was nice and understanding. Then the nonsense started with Nic- because back then while I was still innocent, he took advantage of the fact that I was innocent enough to believe the words of others without much questioning then. I was pretty dumb, I have to admit, and even while he mentally tortured me, I kept silent, thinking that that was merely part of a healthy relationship. 

I learnt the art of being watchful from that failed relationship, and while I had matured a bit, I hadn't grown fully. In the time lag between Nic and the next relationship, D, there were 3 others who tried their best to being my 'listening ear', ( to which afterward I found out they were merely trying to 'jio' me) I turned them down, because I wasn't ready. I knew it, and I didn't want to hurt them, neither did I want to put myself through further problems. I got over Nic, escaped to Cambridge some time after turning them down, and that's when I let my guard down- I met D. 

D initially didn't seem like the kind of guy who'd take advantage of me, because he seemed genuinely concerned for my welfare, or so I thought. My naivety took over me again, and I thought that since this guy seemed genuine in his thoughts and words, I believed his words that he would 'never hurt me'. Something should have caught my attention back then because I'd barely known him( I was still fairly dumb) but for some reason unfathomable to me even now, I didn't. I didn't see the warning signs, and didn't even think there was anything wrong when he started shouting at me with a frequency that intensified throughout our relationship. I thought that was normal, because immediately after a shouting match he'd come over and apologise, beg for mercy, and act sweet until something trivial annoyed him(like me not saying hi to him as I ran past his classroom because I was late for another lesson of mine, and the span between one shouting match and the next could be anything between 3 days and 10 mins) Throughout the relationship, I didn't want to raise any problems within our relationship because I feared that I would annoy him and raise hell. I merely complied, went along with whatever he wanted me to do, even if I felt it was wrong of me. The times I stood up ( and thank goodness I did, because he asked me to do things for him which I felt was not appropriate) against him often resulted in greater bouts of shouting. Upon reflection now, I'd say that my reputation in CJ was ruined because I merely went along with him and whatever he said- I was that disillusioned.

( I also realised from this that the people within CJ sometimes have too much time on their hands, and spread untruths about individuals in the school. To this, I merely say, you can spread whatever you want about me, but I know that I have a clear conscience. I've done nothing that I will feel ashamed of. That's all I need. )

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate CJ. I like the place and the friends ( the true ones I mean who stick with me) are some of the best friends that I have made and will make in my entire lifetime. But sometimes I feel that it's got far too much high-school drama, if you know what I mean. 

Back to topic, immediately after I ended the relationship (with the help of all my friends because honestly, I couldn't have done it on my own), I'd say that my singlehood after that was one of the best periods of my life. I depended on no one, and for once, I've lived by myself, something that I've always wanted. I wasn't ready to get into another relationship for a while and I knew it. Months later, one of the friends who helped me get over my breakup with D confessed to me. I was completely over D back then, but I wasn't sure if I was ready for another relationship because this guy was my best friend for 2 years ever since I began JC. We waited, while both of us thought through this carefully and in the end, we did get together. 

For the first time, I'm actually in a proper relationship for once. One that doesn't abuse me, and neither does he take advantage of me. For once, I can say I can trust knowing completely that he will not misuse this trust. For once, I can actually say that I know what being in love really is- when being with someone makes us want to better ourselves for them, when you want only the best for them and when you know you will never dream of hurting (physically and mentally I mean, because I got hurt both physically and mentally) them. 

As for CJ, well, it honestly doesn't matter what they think of me anymore. I know my intentions well enough that I actually know what I'm doing for once. I'm happy, and I'm not hurting him neither is he hurting me. As for CJ as a whole, I'd say thank you, because it's been marginally nice knowing you, but to my closest friends in CJ- Viola, Sindie, Xiang, Tate, Sarah (10 years babe :D), Yumi, Jom, Chu, Melvin, Zac, and many more, thanks for always being there for me. You've made my life bearable.

I think I need to stop looking at your old blog posts. For some reason, I'm continously attracted to it, reading about how painful you were last time, and how much you've become better. I don't even know why I'm mentally torturing myself like this, because each time I read your old blog posts I'm struck with this uncanny sense of melancholia which nothing( save for studies) ever do inflict upon me these days.
Maybe it's because I'm so happy with you I keep wanting to look at your past and think, hey, she would never have made you that happy, not even that tiny little bit. She never loved you, she never cared, and I'd go so far as stating that she probably cannot even be considered a good, let alone best friend, of yours- and 'perfect' relationship? It had more holes in it than swiss cheese.
Maybe the reason why I keep looking back at it is because I remember how you were back then, back when I first met you. And in my mind I'm thinking, wow so much for pining for her, she's not fit to be your friend.
Maybe it's because I wonder what your reaction would be like. If she meant so much to you and I mean a thousand times more, I wonder if you'd cry if I left you like you did back then. I wonder if you'd crumple up and feel horrible for a period of time like you did back then. Because I know I would. , way more than whatever you've done. I don't even know what I'd do without you, that's why I want to know if you'd do the same. How nowadays, I can't seem to cheer you up, even during a long day outfield, when she could make you happy by just being with you after a campfire which you didn't even sleep for days planning for it. I know this sounds terribly, horribly mean because just by doing all those things, she broke you down and hurt you. Something I'll never want to do. But I don't know how to reconcile the fact that I want to know, and the fact that I sound like one of those bitchy demanding bimbos.
 I have a low self esteem, I know, it's blatantly obvious. But that, I'm still trying to work on, desperately.

You tell me not to speak to N, because the likelihood is that he's still trying to get me back despite me being attached and your reason for doing is because you know N well enough to know that he's this sort of person. Well, unfamiliarity also breeds uncertainty, so how about me saying that I don't like you talking to her because she butchered you up emotionally as well? Precisely because I don't know her well, I wouldn't know if she's trying to get you back or not, would I? Even if you resist, I don't like the idea of her trying. I'd never know if she has ulterior motives, seeing as she once did in the past.
At the end of the day, this blog post would not make sense to anyone else but you. It's meant to be 'coded', in some weird way or another. It's also your choice if you choose to remain friends, because that, I can't stop you, just as you always like to say it.
I'm damn narcisstic, I know, but losing that relationship with that girl is probably the next best thing that happened to you, after getting me. Heheh.

I'm sorry for the lengthiness of this post. It could be the A level stress acting me up like that. I don't know.

This is going to be such a bitchy post. You've been warned.
I'm terribly Pmsey. I hate how my mood totally flips during this period of time (pun intended) and how my emotions fluctuate worse than... 2 men of different weights rapidly stepping on and off a weighing machine.
Met him today, and honestly, it didn't help that both of us were bitchy and moody at the same time (we're gonna have to live with this more often) yes he has BMT, but I'm having As, and they're not kidding when they say it's the HARDEST paper in Singapore. Even worst than uni.
Whatever it is, I'm going through every single emotion that ladies out there feel during their pmsey stage. Every. Single. One. It sucks like hell.
Urgh.

GP, Lit P1 and Math are finally over.
I've got a pretty bad feeling about the papers I've taken so far, actually. GP was fairly alright, but Lit P1 was definitely not my best attempt yet. I'm hoping for an A, although I'm crossing my fingers for that one- maybe a B would be more reasonable. I'm not sure if I even analysed the essay to be the best of my ability- though I must commend the lit department of CJ for hitting the nail as far as spotting passages were concerned. Then again, there's still P5, which I'm hoping will give me that much-envisioned A.
Math... I'd laugh if this is what eventually gives me an A, because the paper was manageable- too manageable that everyone found it easy too. Which means the bell curve might not lean in my favour- thus causing me to get a B as well.

B,B,B so far.

Next few papers are going to be the worst papers with all my H2s crammed together.
ELL and Geog, let's do this. 

Walk.

I think I made a right decision today. Today, I choose to forgive her for all the things she did to him in the past. All the short-changing of feelings, all the hurt, the embarrassment, the pain she made him waste on her, and the time wasted.

I'm not going to hold it against her anymore. I will force myself to make sure that she no longer crosses my mind, and that even if she did, it would not be ill thoughts. It will be hard, but I will try, nevertheless. Because what's happened in the past is the past, and there's no use revisiting the past if we want to write a new chapter. All this time, I've been struggling so hard to put her dishonourable deeds out of my mind, because I thought I'd never be able to forgive her for all that she's done. Because of her, I used to think, he became sad, sullen and moody. But I also realised that it's pretty much useless blaming her for what she had done right now as he's not longer the same, depressed person I first knew back in J1. Today, he's a happy, outgoing and spirited person- notwithstanding army, of course, which would kill anyone's mood anyway- and that's something I'm going to make sure he remains.

I will move on, and put her in the past, never to revisit her again because I will do my best to clear myself of all hard feelings for her, seeing as he has already done so himself and acknowledged that his relationship with her was a 'fiasco'. Speaking of moving on, I've finally allowed to let myself move on from my own past- my own disappointment, pain and worry- and never let that hinder my relationship with him again.

I'm not Tess, and unlike her, I do not, and will not let any form of guilt consume and hamper my progress, because the one thing I'm most certain about is this- I have a clear conscience, and my morals are intact. Mistakes are made by everyone- this I've learnt- and in the larger scale of things, life doesn't stop for anyone, and there's still a route to march, a life to lead. Whether or not I take the path less travelled in the future, it's still a path, however rocky it may be.

Let's do this.

Because.

I know that when stealth mode goes off, people will judge. Both him and me, for our actions, and for our past. I know one thing- that I have a clean conscience. It doesn't matter what the public say, because they never know the full story. He does, and so does my conscience. It's enough.

People will bring up my past, in an attempt to compare me against her. I know for one thing, because he's assured me over and over again, that I'm better than her. A thousand times. Because his 'fiasco' (I'm quoting his words) with her was never true. It was never love. And people will bring up his past. And I'm ready for it. Haters or otherwise, I'm ready for it. 

I'm happy with my life. I've made mistakes, just like him, and just like everyone else. Just like her. But the thing about these mistakes is that I've learnt from them, and forced myself to grow to become a better person. I was innocent once, and then the real world opened itself up to me. Its terrors and all it's menace. I've seen them, and once this stealth mode goes off, I can only say, Bring It On. Because I'm ready to receive what's left of any harsh judgement. 

At the end of the day, I know I did the right thing. It may not have been what I wanted, but I do know one thing for sure- I'm happy, because I left with my morals intact. It's a sad thing when people out there lack the common sense and the moral judgement to do the right thing- even after they've proclaim that they've grown up and know how to do these things then. It's just one of life's ironies.

I just hope that others out there know what's morals when they see it too. Hopefully so.

This is such a superficial, trivial issue. I shouldn't be technically bringing it up, but well, it struck me, and so I shall. 

I was looking through her photos and I realised one thing- she's as well-liked as he is. Wouldn't it be a more appropriate match for 2 well liked people to be together? ( Yes, I know it's terribly stupid because she's not his type, never was and never will be. In my opinion, I actually think she's unfit for any guy, but let's not go there yet. ) 

Also, as I once mentioned in a previous blog post, facebook 'likes' doesn't necessarily mean someone actually likes whatever/ whoever's in the photo, but sometimes, it's a little infuriating to see someone who's fake, plastic and pathetic get the friends. I guess that's the way the world works, and sad to say, some people haven't yet realised yet. 60+ likes on facebook on a photo and 500+ 'friends' when they've got no real value in any single friend? That's sad. 

I know he's often told me that I'm a thousand times better than she is, but that doesn't stop the occasional unhappy thoughts. I look at her, and yes, because he's tried so valiantly, I now know for a fact that I'm better than her, in every single way. I guess I should learn to forgive her for the way she treated him, because all she left me was a guy who's so much more mature, and so much more understanding than he ever was to her in the past. I should be studying, I know, but such thoughts sometimes creep one when one least expects it. Whatever it is, I know I did the right thing, because somehow, I've managed to tell myself truthfully that she doesn't mean a thing in his life now. 

So what if she's got 60 likes on her photo? That doesn't mean anything. It only breeds narcissism. And with what little knowledge I have of her, I'm not out to defame her, nor am I to judge her for her ill actions of the past. If it wasn't for his constant valiant attempts to tell me I'm way better, I probably wouldn't be in the secure state I am in today. I'm happy. 

Recently, I read this article whereby this lady was so obsessed over the number of likes/comments she got on Facebook when she posted pictures or shared status updates. This eventually began to affect her social life as she felt that with more than 400 friends on facebook, at least SOME should comment on her statuses/ like them, at the very least.

I remember sharing her experience once. The amount of likes/ comments that I received from my friends on photos or status updates was something that could, literally, make me like a person more, just because he/she liked a status of mine, or commented on it.

That's what set me thinking. Facebook, and along with its menaces of addiction, such as resulting in facebook being a time-waster and losing precious working hours because one is so addicted to facebook has long been a hotly debated topic- possibly on the verge of being cliche. But perhaps I'd like to look at the menaces facebook offers not so much as an economic disadvantage, but rather, a social one.

I think Facebook runs on a very different social code from that of real life. Limitations of the internet result in one action having many different meanings. While on the surface, it looks fairly simple- share a photo, tell your friends what's happening to you, but perhaps it's the implications that underlie it that matter more. Liking 'liking' a photo, for example. Maybe that person truly 'likes' what you post. Maybe he thinks it's funny. Or the contrary- maybe he thinks it's ridiculous or stupid. The list goes on. And when we actually start to decipher the different meanings as to why someone likes a photo, posts a comment or merely ignores whatever you've posted, I think that's when Facebook actually becomes menacing. When we're obsessed with gaining validation not from real life, but via the internet. When it becomes a cause for concern- when we benchmark our social lives based on interactions on Facebook,  of all things.

That's why I believe otherwise- I think that having someone 'like' your photo isn't a big deal. A photo of 2 supposedly hot girls get a thousand likes? Big deal. A mundane status update/photo (which sometimes borders on the verge of appearing narcissistic) which gets 20/30 likes? Right, so people are just that superficial. And sometimes, having 20-30 likes could be a greater source of concern- why are people even liking my photo in the first place? They're laughing not with me, but AT me? More worries. Having true, proper friends are perhaps a much better social validation than anything facebook could ever offer, if at all.

The lady.

I hear people all around me saying, " Oh noooo my boyfriend hasn't texted me for 3 hours! What do I do, does he love me anymore? " Or things like, " I haven't seen my boyfriend for one whole day my life  is going to end! :(( "

 

You think not seeing him for a day is hard? Look at my situation. I'm the girlfriend of an army boy. Whose guy is serving in the SAF and - get this straight- not even in places like Tekong, whereby there's still a reasonable amount of welfare. He's in 1SIR. A rifleman. The lowest rung in the army. I'll leave you to figure out the type of welfare he's given yourself. 

I don't see him every day, only once a week, and that's already a privilege granted that confinement may occur anytime. Each week, I'm praying and hoping that when Friday comes, I won't receive his call, saying, " dear, I'm confined this week. Sorry." but rather, " I can't wait to see you tomorrow!" I have to 'man up' to the situation that in the very near future I'll have to go for a week without talking to him, let alone seeing him, or even 2 to 3 weeks overseas whereby he won't get to speak with me at all. 

NS doesn't just toughen up the guys. It toughens the girls too, by making them confront a situation that,at 18 years, should still be fairly premature. Having a relationship while in the army is a very risky thing. It's a make or break situation, whereby both partners weather the storm together and ultimately survive, or break off because the situation of a stay-in unit is too much to handle. 

The latter is the situation I fear will happen to the couples who are simply unable to go for days without seeing each other. The constant fear that ' my guy will leave me just because he hasn't spoken to me for a day' is the one thing that will kill a relationship in NS, because whatever it may be, there will definitely be days whereby he won't be able to speak to you, the girlfriend. Then what? 

I guess that's what they mean by NS is the 'greatest test of a relationship'. I can see it now, and I can see why. Not everyone is going to make it. And especially for people like me, who's boyfriends are in the infantry, it's even worse. I'm not going to say that a relationship grows stronger because it's been put to the test so often. I'm going to say that it's simply because these tests force both to grow up, and if the rate at which they grow up is faster than the challenges, the relationship's going to last. Somehow. 

Good luck to all those out there who're facing the same situation as I am. Make it or break it, you decide. 

I remember how I posted something about learning how to live as an army girlfriend 5 days into his enlistment sometime back. Guess what? Come this Saturday, it would have been a month. A whole month of NS.
Time seems to pass really quickly for me out here, and in a way, I like this new routine because living in the midst of my A level preparations, time passes quicker than normal, which would also mean that time for him would pass equally as quickly.

I miss the times we could just meet up anywhere, anytime, and as and when we felt like it. It's the one thing that I really miss, and that's the one thing I hate the most about him being in there. The fact that we have limited time to see each other and spend time with each other.

I guess that also accounts for the fact that we've both become much more independent now. I miss him still, and no less- but I'm coping with his absence. With a few texts a day and a call, and that's only because it's the PTP stage. BMT will be a whole different story altogether, or so I hear from what he's told me so far, but honestly, the fact that we've lived through one whole month of NS without major upheavals in our relationship probably proves that our relationship really has something solid in it this time. And when my A levels come, I'll face this one with even more independence, because that will be a trying period for both of us.

It's rare to finally find someone with the same ideals as I do, and honestly, I think you can guess from the way I'm being so open about it, that I'm becoming more lax with stealth mode. It's more like semi-stealth mode now, seeing as more and more people are getting to know of this, and contrary to what we originally thought, people aren't judging us, but are rather, happy for us. Which is a strange, but very relieving situation indeed. Though I suppose I can't really rest on my laurels- there are people out there who'll still judge, because through some warped mindset or other they derive happiness from seeing others in misery. JC has a lot of that. High school drama, even though we're supposed to be acting like adults. Some people just don't ever grow up.

That aside, I'd say, judge all you want, because I'm leaving this place. I'm leaving this college, and don't get me wrong, I don't hate CJ. I've met some really true friends in this place and I'll be sad to have to go separate ways. It's just the gossip, scandalous parts of CJ that I really hate- because there are so few people who are actually mature enough to act their age. Most people act otherwise, judging, gossiping and spreading untrue scandals and tales. If I were given the option, there should be a division by maturity, and not by age.

Alright, enough about CJ. I don't want to defame CJ, because, as I said previously, I love the friends I have met in there and I like the place. In fact, I even met him there, back then before he left CJ. As a recruit now, life is very different, but as always, there'll be different phases of our lives, and with it, different and perhaps tougher challenges. It's how we learn to adapt.

I remember how I started off a countdown to As early on this year. A whole year more to go, I thought.

And suddenly, it's 32 days to As. This isn't even a joke anymore.
I've never felt so much stress. Never.
(I'm on the verge of breaking down as I'm typing this. )
There's ELL, Geog, and Literature, with H1 math.
The very few subjects (with the exception of math) that I was so confident of passing when I first stepped into CJC and donned the light blue uniform. I was carefree, hopeful, and vocal.

How things have changed. I'm downcast, and hope? What hope is there left? I'd actually go as far as saying that only divine intervention would enable me to make it past this As, because as of status quo, I am NOT. GETTING. ANYWHERE.

I remember back in Sec4 when my form teacher told us that we weren't cut out of JC. I believe her now. A tad too late, a vast understatement. I didn't even think it would be that different. Now I'm running to the library to borrow linguistic book after book because that's what I think is going to save me. Written, spoken, multimodal texts. Significant linguistic features. Grammer, cohesion, morphology. Discourse managing strategies, non-fluency features. Paper 2- debates with regard to the English language. Is it possible to have English as a global language? How will that affect the linguistic diversity both between varieties of the English Language and between different languages? Will they converge or diverge? How about the internet, and the convergence towards using a specific variety of the English language as a lingua franca? New Englishes, Standard English ( Std American English) and it's non-standard variety (Ebonics or 'Black African American English?)What are the features of these varieties of the English Language in terms of lexis, syntax, grammar and discourse?

Confused yet? Yeah. That's only a drop in the ocean. I'm having a splitting headache now.

To all my poly friends, you might see me in poly next year. Beginning the year as a freshie.
OKAY NO JULYN NO. DO NOT THINK OF ALTERNATIVES NOW. IT IS ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL YOU DON'T.

I feel like snapping. I'm snapping almost every single night on the phone while talking to him. And he's in NS now. Doubly worse that he can't be physically here with me. But I know I'll pull through. Perhaps I'd say that this relationship was the best thing that happened this year. Poor him, though. I feel bad having to put him through comforting me almost every night because of this emotional rut I'm stuck in.

I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, with all the teachers and all the consultations I have in line, plus the mock exams. I'm sounding terribly whiny now but I can't help it.

I want to cry, I want to turn my back on all this examinations and shit and lie back and watch the clouds.
But I can't. I got to keep moving forward. Keep pushing.
Time to head back to doing my Geog essay. Propeties of limestone rocks and it's vulnerability to weathering, here I come.

There's been a lot of problems recently. And some of them will be terribly hard to solve, but I'll try, anyway.

Everyone who's had a friend (which is virtually everyone unless you're a mountain hermit) knows that the one thing you don't do is to bitch about that friend behind his/her back, no matter how bitter you are. For an 18 year old, that is terribly immature behaviour. You choose to pretend to act covert, going behind our backs to bitch about us quietly, thinking you're doing an amazing job of doing so- but you are in fact, doing the ultimate disservice to yourself. Think about it; you bitch to friend A about friend B, then bitch about friend B to friend A, then create a Whatsapp group to bitch about friend C to friend A and B, then bitch to friend C about friend A and B. Multiply that by friends A to literally Z, and there you have it, the complicated scenario for which you so beautifully constructed for yourself.

The thing is, it's immature. I haven't dealt with such an issue since I was in P6. Back then, had I been the one you were bitching about, I would have cried and thought of what I could have possibly done wrong. But now? Yes, the situation is still the same- I AM the one you're bitching about, but in my case, what wrong have I done? None, and I have perfectly clear about it. My conscience is clear, and I know I have done nothing wrong.

Somehow or other, you choose to find wrong in something that had absolutely no bad intentions. Yes, I've changed, and you chose to perceive it as a bad thing. Oh no, you said at first, he's turning me into a bad person, that now I am becoming all angry and annoyed with the world. Thankfully though, I never believed a word of it because as far as everyone else is concerned, the new me is headstrong and finally able to stand up for my own rights. You hate that, don't you? You hate the fact that I'm not as naive as I possibly once was, allowing you to.... let's not go there. But if you're reading it, yes, you should know what you've done. One day, I decided that enough was enough. Telling you a couple of times in the past wasn't enough, and I'm attached now, to someone whom I can foresee spending my life with. So, I physically stopped it. I pushed you away whenever you tried to come to me (physically), because guys should know their limits when interacting with female friends. Why did I allow it in the past, then? Because I was naive, and I believed that you were doing it to everyone, not just me. Turns out that more than just a handful of people had realised that it was especially prominent with me, while the rest were merely just diluted versions.

I know why, and I shall not mention it here. I will merely state that that was what seemed to have caused the entire situation to snowball- because you were so bitter about the situation, about you not being able to get something you wanted and having to learn the art of giving up sometimes, that you chose to let that bitterness manifest. That's when the bitching started. You are, or should I say, were, my close friend, and as a result of that, you know all my secrets. You knew his secrets too, because he was a good friend of yours as well before this entire fiasco began, and guessed what? You did just what a boy would do- a boy, I say, because men don't behave like that- you used my secrets against us, as weapons of attack against the 2 of us with an intention of... what? No one can figure out, but a negative one nevertheless, because of all the hostility you're building- not within us, but against yourself. It's you against us, as you so aptly put it when I sat down to speak with you one day because speaking and talking things out is a much more mature way to handle situations. (speaking of sitting down and talking it out with you, both my friend and I who were present have noticed that you hid things from us, even as I was trying to be absolutely transparent with you so as to clear up the matter- if you cannot cooperate, it is no fault of ours, we have tried.) "I won't ever judge you," you said. " Oh gosh, I can't believe she..." you say now. And "Hypocrite," you now call me. "It's alright, "you said in the past, to his drinking habit back then. "Dumbass," you say now, on the very same topic of his drinking habit. How... strangely paradoxical. As always, classic examples of the 'pot calling the kettle black' always existed in this world. So does blatant lying, deceit and virulence, for which you so  conscientiously stated, "I swear I never called him/her that!" 

Returning back to the point, you used my secrets and his secrets against us, with the seeming intention of tearing us apart, of wiggling your way through both of us to have your way. (I say seeming because this, please prove me wrong, I most certainly hope you aren't THAT immoral and vile yet.) However, this has not done anything but make us stronger as a pair, and has in fact taught us to be mature individuals who know how to tackle a problem with it arises, and not the person. We're not children, and we do hope to see a future together, so starting an issue with the 2 of us isn't in fact going to rip us apart, but in fact will, and has already, made us a stronger and more independent pair.

This, plus details which I have obviously chose to leave out here because this is going online, is creating a situation that isn't tearing our group apart- merely tearing you away from us. To be honest, the entire group isn't pleased with your actions, especially where the bitching is concerned, because which kind of friend bitches and backstabs? A fake friend that is. I may have more reason to be unhappy, but I'm choosing not to be because it's the one issue you have to fix first- bitching. I hope you understand that such actions are not how 18 year olds behave.

Random musings

It's strange how life throws us unexpected obstacles, for which we either develop from, or fall back from in despair. It's even stranger when sometimes, these obstacles are what we have to accept depending on the choices that we make.

4 months ago, I made a decision. I knew full well the implications of my decision, but I chose to go ahead with it nevertheless. 4months later, it's taught me certain things I never thought I would have learnt. How some things can be so close to your heart despite you never actually experiencing it yourself.

I'm talking about the life as an army girlfriend here.

Honestly though, it's a surprise how quickly I adapt to such things when the need arises. I never thought I'd one day be the one who'd have to understand and accept the situation that once seemed so alien to me.

And with learning to accept these circumstances, there will be changes that I thought wouldn't have been so hard to adapt to, but for which are difficult. Suddenly, every single text counts. Every call consists of no more than 5 seconds of silence. And there's no time for petty, small issues. In short, both sides became a tad more independent- all within a span of 5 days. It's strangely surprising. I remember how I spent my first day sitting at home alone and tearing up each time I thought about how my life and his life would change in the next 2 years. Yes, it's only been 5 days, but how much have changed during this duration.

For one thing, I've come to accept the situation, as difficult as I thought it would have been to make the transition. Accepting that there will be reduced contact may be just one thing, but appears to be the most crucial thing when making that transition. From more than 50 texts a day to 5, the initial stage was bitter and painful. Yes it was heartwrenching, but honestly, it's surprising how much the human mind can accept when there's no other choice other than to live it through. I can't demand that he call me 5 times a day, and neither can I expect calls late into the night that last over 2 hours. I can't. It's simply not possible. And despite it being a painful realisation (even as I was mentally prepared for the challenges) it's strange how within a span of a few days I've proven to myself just how much I'm willing to undergo for the sake of this relationship.

I hear him tell me about the life within the army camp, and truthfully, from the perspective of someone who's not living the regimented life itself, I can say that it's difficult to imagine. It's difficult to imagine the effort needed in ensuring his rifle is cleaned, his boots are Kiwi-ed, his pillow cases and blankets are arranged in the exact same order as all his bunkmates, even his toothbrush that must be hung in the same way as everyone else.

It's difficult to imagine the confusion and turmoil they face when they are suddenly shunted into a routine where literally everything is planned out for them and where they are taught to obey instructions like puppets, when they were normal civilians just a few hours before, able to make the decision as to whether they should get up at 6am or 10am, decide if they want maggi mee or prata for breakfast, or have a choice as to what they want to wear for the day.

It's difficult to imagine the pain he faces when he has to leave his family members, his girlfriend, and the comfort of his own room to serve the nation.

I hear him tell me about how the NS is the greatest test of a relationship, and how by the first day, so many of his bunk mates are already facing the strain of the relationship. I hear him tell me how his buddy was alone by the drain and looking extremely sian because he was already facing relationship problems. And it hurts to hear things like this, because she, and many other girls including myself, will not understand the pain of having to worry about his girlfriend while he is forced to leopard crawl, crab walk, and shout, "contacted!" with this additional worry on his mind. Sometimes we might end up being an unintentional burden to him- something I will never want to put him through.

It's only been 5 days, and yes we have a long way to go. In time to come, there will be deployments overseas for 2 to 3 months. But I think that the least we can do, as outsiders to the army life, is to understand. Understand his plight the best we can, even if we can't experience it ourselves. Let him talk about his life as a 'chao recruit' and be there for him in spirit, letting him know that we will support him no matter what, such that he knows that even after being shouted at by his sergeant he will still have you to lean on, as someone whom he knows will bring him comfort even at his lowest. And perhaps, not whine when he can't text or call you often because the lack of contact is never your man's fault, because the one thing that he wants to do is to be able to call you or text you whenever it is possible- you are a form of catharsis, and perhaps his only source of relief.

I will end off by saying, again, that yes, you might scoff at this, thinking that it's only been 5 days since he enlisted. But these 5 days, in fact, the days immediately after he enlists will be the most crucial days because in those days I've learnt more about my situation than I will learn in the 2 years. True, there will be other issues that may appear in the future, but as it is, I'm happy that the most pertinent issues have already been spotted, and for which I have already adapted to.

"...there's a decent chance...but 1SIR is usually spared (going overseas for 1 year)."

The thought frightens me like hell. The possibly scares me. Yes the though suddenly struck me but It frightens me so badly I don't even know what to do or say anymore. I don't even know how I could cope if something like that actually does happen.

I don't even know why there's so much difficulty. How much more tests do we have to go through? God, please don't make us go through this. How many more hurdles do You want us to undergo? Please... Just.. Spare us this one.

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The calm after a storm.

1st day. 

And I already feel empty. Like a sick, empty sensation that strikes at the base of the stomach which winds its way up to the throat. 

This is vaguely nostalgic because I remember feeling the same form of 'You-need-to-be-strong-now' mentality when I first broke up. The sickening form of sadness that gives that terribly empty feeling. Thing is, this time, it's not the same case. Obviously. He's just gone in, and he wants to see you as much as you do. There's nothing about a broken heart, and there's nothing about a loss of love. In fact, if anything, love is something that's becoming more and more strongly rekindled as we treasure the time we have with each other more. 

It's a stark contrast, a jarring, painful one because after all those days of seeing each other, suddenly he's taken away from me. At least I can say that I'm adapting quickly to this new change. Yes, I cried my eyes out last night (and a little of today) fearing the worst- that he'd have platoon mates that would hate him, that he wouldn't be able to fit in and worse still, that he will get injured. But perhaps the one thing that hurt me most was not being able to talk to him as and when I wished (as selfish as it sounds.) 

I haven't felt something like that in such a long time. Or actually, I've never felt something like that before even, because this time, the feeling of care is so much deeper and so much stronger. Which is also perhaps the reason why I'm also adapting as fast as I can. Because this time round, I want it to last. I want us both to grow out of it strong and caring for each other even more. I want to be able to live life knowing that he'd never give me up.

In fact, it's his constant reassurance on that last point that makes me feel safe. For the first time ever, I don't have to worry if feelings will fade, and I won't have to worry he'd be tired and sick of me. I know that's never going to happen. And it's with all this encouragement and reassurance, there's nothing left to fear. I've lived by myself before, and honestly, this period of BMT will be help me to grow into a stronger, more independent person. 

It's taught me to value our relationship more too. Any text or call is a valuable thing to me for which I treasure so greatly. It's the one thing that can surely brighten my day. In fact, through the text and the call, I've been greatly reassured as well. The camp is alright, the bunks are fine too, and most importantly, his buddy and his platoon mates are good people whom I will trust(though I've never met them) to not give him a hard time. Today's but the 1st day, and they say it will be 'hell' the next few days, but well, one thing I'm happy for is that he wouldn't be left out. 

There were so many issues and problems we ironed out before going in, and it's comforting that we can talk it out. Even through this period, my promise to you is, if you're reading this, that I will always talk things out with you no matter what. I will never keep things from you, and I will never leave an argument unsolved. Mentally and physically, I will take care of myself, and I want you to do the same. 

Thanks for always being stoic, and well, I know that I needn't have to worry for you as a result.

2 more weeks. Let's do this, and let's live this through together. 

Tomorrow. 

Does that word frighten me? You bet it does. But I don't have a choice. Accept it. 

Tomorrow, he's going to walk through those gates and start a whole new chapter of his life as a NS man. 

Tomorrow, he's going to cease being a civilian becoming a member of the SAF, and I'll have to adapt to this new schedule. 

Tomorrow, he's not going to have much time to text me, call me, tweet, blog or facebook anymore. 

For you. 

I don't have to say much here. Most of which have been already said, because thank goodness I can speak to you easily without fearing that you'd get upset at me. Also, the letters which I've written will be just about the best things I can offer you while you're in there, and that hopefully these will sustain you till I next see you again, when you'll probably get a whole lot more letters, heh. Thanks for always being my bastion and my best friend, really. 

I promise I'll be okay. Please be okay for me too, alright? :)

Tata for now then, and see you soon:)

"Even if you find someone else better, will you please not let me go?"

What if you did? Will you leave me too? Will you walk away?  

I want to be perfect for you.
But I doubt I'd ever be

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Is it me or am I becoming less knowledgeable nowadays?

The hell is wrong with me or have I been simply immersing myself in studies too much I'm starting to forget the outside world. I can't remember my entire vocabulary of words I've forced myself so hard to remember since I was in primary school, and I'm starting to wonder if I'm indeed shrinking knowledge- wise.
I don't have time to read books, I don't have time to do PT or do anything I like. Simply put, I don't have a life.

And I hate it when I don't know what someone is talking about, dislike how I sometimes have to pretend to understand what's going on so as to mask the fact that I don't have a clue. At all.

But that's the way with all A level students I guess.

I'm tired.

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I'm better than her. I tell myself that a million times a day in the hope of eventually being able to believe what I say and perhaps I'm finally beginning to live my own words. 

"I'm better than her."

You've said it yourself, which is perhaps by far the greatest source of comfort I could have asked for. It doesn't matter to me how other people viewed your past, because I've heard everything from her being a 'great girl' to your past relationship 'blossoming'. It doesn't matter because what others hear isn't always the truth because all they see of a relationship is the superficial outer exterior. What matters most is what you tell me, that I'm better than her no matter what, a 'thousand times better' and that I mean a 'thousand times more'. That your past was 'forced' and that what you did in the relationship was done not naturally, but because you were 'supposed' to do it, which of course implies it's a terribly Lucy-Cecil relationship, whereby everything is planned and where nothing is spontaneous. 

Bottom line is? I'm glad you told me I'm better than her. It's the only source of comfort I have.

This may sound terribly narcissistic, but the truth is, I'm only doing this because convincing myself that I'm the best for you is the only way I can look back at whatever you've told me about her in the past and go, "I'm better than that." 

And why I say I'm starting to believe my words that I am indeed better than her is because of everything that's been done and been said to me so far. From what I heard and based on that alone, I think it's ridiculous to dump someone just because you favour a more 'manly' person. You get into a relationship knowing full well the implications of a long-term commitment (unless of course, you weren't even looking for a long term commitment) and knowing the person for his/her flaws completely. You decided against doing such a thing, decided to change and dump a perfectly good person leaving him in a wreck. I mean, where's the morality in that? As and when you decide change is needed you do so, leaving wreckage in your wake- wreckage that sometimes isn't cleared easily (you were lucky.) Looking back now, I'm glad you didn't try to take the relationship further because doing so would have harmed him. Perhaps that's the reason why I'm so indignant- the harm you inflicted upon him through immature ways.

And again, as narcissistic as this may sound, I'm glad I'm not that kind of person. And again, that's why I say I'm better than her. 

I've never been so certain for once in my life. And well, this is neither meant to be cocky nor, as I've been saying, narcissistic. It's meant as a form of self-encouragement. 

I don't know how things turned out this way. I want to clear it out, but I don't know if it's possible anymore seeing as the problem has escalated. I never had such a worry since sec 1, and I never thought I'd have to deal with a problem like the again when I'm older. Bitching behind my back, calling me names that no one else seems to find correct or true - this is a problem I thought primary school children faced. All these issues I have ignored simply, hoping that it would be outgrown in a short span of time, but looks like I've been proven otherwise,as sad as it may sound.

For the first time, I think I finally have to prove we're not ignorant of all the happenings. And that we've never been ignorant of it all. I'm stuck in a ridiculous conflict - being nice, or being extremely cold, and by choosing the former, I thought we'd still be friend.
But it certainly looks like things didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be- friends. In fact it's proven itself quite the opposite.
Whatever it may be, I'm glad to be able to fight it with someone. To be able to talk to someone about it. To know that despite the 3 weeks of break, I'd have someone to look forward to seeing.

It's a nice feeling. And a really happy one at that.

I just wish I didn't have all those problems to deal with, problems that needn't even have been created in the first place. At least I'm not alone in knowing that.

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Prelims are over. At long last. But that only means we're that much closer to the A levels... which isn't a very positive note to begin with.

Anyway, I came here not with the intention of whining about how I felt about my prelims, but with the intention of posting something that's been on my mind for a while now:

8 more days. 5 more days with him.

That's barely a week.

After after that, it means 3 whole weeks. The thought isn't very calming, but one thing for sure and that's- it's 3 weeks. Just 3 weeks. In those 3 weeks, there'll be the release of my prelim results and his birthday, the latter of course, hurts more than the former because who wants to spend a birthday in confinement? Which means, I've got only these..5 days left to get my things done, and to get myself prepared for what's probably going to be the greatest absence in whole of my life.

Which leads me on to my next point- I've cleared my entire week to make sure those 5 days are well spent. I'm not intending to go out with anyone (unless it's an emergency) because it's blatantly obvious to anyone that with only 5 days left, I should make use of all the time I have to spend it with him before going out with anyone else. Not within this week. I'm sorry, but it's not a case whereby I 'give up' my friends for him, it's because given the current situation, anyone would have done the same for someone they treasure that much. I'm not even going to bat an eyelid about it. I'm going to be frank. And thank goodness, most of my friends understand my predicament and understand that I'm not trying to give them up for him, because that is never the case and I will always strive to find a balance between my friends and him.

Thanks to all those who understand my feelings guys. Friends like you make life worth living.

Back to subject, this period of time has been the happiest I've ever been for a long time. I couldn't have asked for something better, and I would never have thought I'd be one of those people who'd actually be happy. It's surreal, and it's strange. For a while, I thought happiness was for other people, and that I'd just be one of those who'd have to suck it up to a life I wasn't full happy with. But looks like I was proved otherwise.

So, 5 days or otherwise, I'm going to make sure I spend these 5 days happy. I'm not going to hide my happiness anymore. And at the end of it, hey, it's 3 weeks, and honestly, 3 weeks is nothing in the wider range of events. And on an even greater macro scale, 2 years isn't even substantial.

I'm happy. 

NS related 1

Adapted again from another website on the military.

"I have promised to be here for him upon his return no matter how long he is away. They may say I am insane for making such a commitment, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe. I know well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

There is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it. I hope every day that he will be able to call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where I love you and I’m okay speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I never take any moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, and every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off and start a new day.

If you think being a soldier is tough, try loving one.

If you think soldiers are strong, you should look at their girls."

Okay some parts may sound terribly exaggerated because no one's going to be fighting any war here.   But well, other than some parts which aren't exactly suited to my situation, it pretty much sums up my feelings. 

2 more weeks. 

NS related 2

"If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't know adventure. You don't know smelly green PT uniforms that require a daily washing. You can't understand green and brown camouflaged bags flooding your bedroom floor. 



If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't understand the meaning of the phrase "going outfield" and the weeks you spend away from each other.



If you're not in love with a soldier, you can never imagine the hole in your heart when that phone call comes? "Honey, I am booking in tomorrow. I don't know when if I'll be confined again but I love you, always!"



If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't truly understand how to make every moment count because it will be some time before the next phone call comes again. 



If you're not in love with a soldier, you can never really understand how very delicate life is! "

-Adapted (to suit the Singaporean context) from a website on the military in the US.
Removed certain sections which don't apply because the text was for a soldier who was going to fight a war.

Swear it again by Westlife.

I wanna knowWho ever told you I was letting goThe only joy that I have ever knownGirl, they're lying. 
Just look aroundAnd all of the people that we used to knowHave just given up, they wanna let it goBut we're still trying.

So you should know this love we shareWas never made to dieI'm glad we're on this one way streetJust you and I, just you and I.

I'm never gonna say, "Goodbye"'Coz I never wanna see you cryI swore to you my love would remainAnd I swear it all over againAnd I, I'm never gonna treat you bad'Coz I never wanna see you sadI swore to share your joy and your painAnd I swear it all over again, all over again.

Some people say that"Everything has got it's place in time"Even the day must give way to the nightBut I'm not buying.

'Coz in your eyesI see a love that burns eternallyAnd if you see how beautiful you are to meYou'll know I'm not lying.

Sure there'll be times we wanna say, "Goodbye"But even if we tryThere are something's in this life won't be deniedWon't be denied.

I'm never gonna say, "Goodbye"'Coz I never wanna see you cryI swore to you my love would remainAnd I swear it all over againAnd I, I'm never gonna treat you bad'Coz I never wanna see you sadI swore to share your joy and your painAnd I swear it all over again.

The more I know of youIs the more I know I love youAnd the more that I'm sureI want you forever and ever moreAnd the more that you love meThe more that I knowHo that I'm never gonna let you goGotta let you know that I

I'm never gonna say, "Goodbye"'Coz I never wanna see you cryI swore to you my love would remainAnd I swear it all over againAnd I, I'm never gonna treat you bad'Coz I never wanna see you sadI swore to share your joy and your painAnd I swear it all over again.

All over againAll over again.And I swear it all over again.


1 year. I'm scared. I'm frightened. But then again, who ever told you I was letting go of the only joy that I've ever known? 
I'll be here. 

Spare change.

Today, I decided to do something I usually wouldn't have done.
I decided to look through all the old photos I had on facebook, right back to the time I was sec 2.

Perhaps the older, childish photos I had of myself didn't really affect me, but it was in fact the more recent photos I saw that caused me to wonder how much I've actually changed.

I saw the photos of the time I started my JC life, right back during orientation when everything was still so carefree and so happy. Then the days following that, my new class (for which I somehow bonded really well with, at the beginning. ) And the literal fun, joy and laughter. I'm not even joking here. I was that happy. That... childish. I remember how how I'd excitedly look forward to coming to school and putting on that blue uniform, stepping into class and actually making jokes with friends. I remember how I was so happy when I was assigned my PW group because I thought they were the best members in a group I could ever ask for. I remember math class, where I was busy trying to keep Chu (back then when I barely knew him well other than my math teacher shouting DAVID CHU WAKE UPP!!) awake by sticking pieces of black tape all over him and ripping them off in an attempt to keep his eyes open (they didn't work :P) That was, in short, last year. The first half of last year, to be specific.

I also remember how all of that changed.

It wasn't a sudden change- it was gradual. Somehow, I lost touch with everyone. I became quieter, more weary and as a result lost so many of the friends I tried so hard at the beginning of the year to make. I lost my hyper-ness, my ability to laugh and joke and say stupid things and take the remarks that were tossed at me good-naturedly. In short, I lost quite a lot of both tangible and intagible things- and only a few remained. (On the positive side though, I also gained a fair bit of things from my quietness) Then I realised that hey, I was happier that way. I didn't have to try so hard to be accepted. I was happy- in a quiet way.

Somehow, the photos from last year all reflected that. And some of the photos, well, I couldn't even remember where they were taken or how ( I don't mean by a camera) because right now, looking at them, I can never imagine myself being in that situation again and taking that photo with the same people. It's funny. Funny in a slightly sad way. Like that tiny sensation of sadness that pricks you at the pit of the stomach, before you shrug it off as a stomachache, but you know it's not.

I'm much happier now. I'm happy that I've finally come to terms with exactly who I am (yes, the earlier part of last year was basically because I was still struggling to find my identity and who I was, really.) and I'm happy that I've finally found friends who accept me for the person whom I chose to be. But perhaps there's also that tinge of regret, because you're wondering how you could have been once that hyperactive girl in class who could transit easily between different cliques in the class, and how you could have deceived yourself into thinking that that's the person you actually are, when deep down inside, you know that you're putting on a facade.

People change. Things change. Places, events, situations change. It's sad to watch things change, but at the same time, we can't keep clinging on to the past. We can't keep wishing things never changed because wishing never changed anything. It's easier to accept the change, because sometimes, the change is within our own means. We choose how and when to change. And if it's a concious effort to change for the better, then the present is not only a reality for which we should embrace, but for which we will enjoy embracing, simply because the change is what we want.

Simply because by changing, the present is now better than the past.

I want a hug so badly right now.

Strange. I don't usually pine like this.

How very out of character. 

I cracked. An obscure, one-off incident.

Not a very good start to the Prelims. 

Tick Tock, watch the clock.

Prelims in 2 days.

48 hours.

I don't even know how to begin that I am so mortally scared. I'm on the verge of snapping, yet no one sees it. No one but myself. And the only reason why is probably because everyone else is facing the same problem too. The only reason, and perhaps, strangely, the only source of comfort.

I'm tired. I'm tired of this whole education system. I'm struggling so hard to remain calm in here but each time studies is brought up I'm always just that close to falling apart. I won't, I know. I've been holding myself together for so long that no one realises this, anyway. They move on with their lives (can't blame them, obviously) and at the end of the day, each of us have to go to our graves in our own way, as pessimistic as this sounds.

Maybe I could be PMS-ing. It could be, because I usually don't get so touchy over matters like this. And that. And a whole lot of other matters too that I still remain closed up to others because there's no use in them knowing and because they're not going to understand, anyway. It's petty of me- I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and I'm being childish, immature and stupid. For some matters, there's a pretty simple solution- ignore it too, the next time. Don't need to be so damn eager. I swear Ju, your over-eagerness has already proven to you that it's more of a bane than a boon so just CALM your eagerness down. Be more 'sua'. (Make sure being nonchalent does NOT actually manifest in REAL nonchalence or boom, everything will go downhill) Stop being so randomly angry at things that  aren't meant to get upset over. I don't know why. I don't know how to express it either.

For other matters, there's no choice but to be ignorant. No matter how angry, no matter how upset you may be with the situation at hand, just ignore it. Repress it if you must. Even if it upsets you to the core, there's nothing you can do. NOTHING. Nothing will ever be said, and things will just die a natural death if you let it. Yes, it'll blow up now and again. Yes, things may get worse when the As near because everyone's so stressed (or, it could die down for the very same reason), and yes, your morals and resilience will be tested to their very maximum. Still, since there's nothing I can do and technically everything I could do, I'd pick the former.

The last matter will be, no shit, studies. I'll probably spend nights sitting in front of my notes, tearing my hair out till I look like a bloody cancer patient with chunks of hair all over, crying fervently and wishing you never had to sit your As, and drinking insane amounts of coffee to stay awake and mug your notes. You cannot die out. You cannot burn out. This time, this A levels, is your BIGGEST EXAM EVER. GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD. YOU CANNOT GIVE UP, YOU CANNOT END UP LIKE someone AND FLUNK EVERYTHING. YOUR PARENTS ARE NOT SENDING YOU OVERSEAS like that someone. LOCAL UNI. LOCAL UNI. LOCAL UNI. NOTHING ELSE.
Also, this time you're going to be facing your As alone. ALONE. No one to cheer you up, no one to text you and tell you to sleep early, to not stress out, to keep moving forward. You're alone, and you're going to crying into your bloody pillow alone if you have to, you're going to have to get up alone and get everything done alone, walk into the exam hall and finish that paper alone, walk out of the exam hall and study for the next paper alone, hell, even END the As alone (not that it's anyone's fault) But the fact of the matter is that you're going to be independent, and you're going down into that exam independently, you're going to walk out independently, and you're going to say that you've accomplished everything yourself.

Right so I actually let everything out. I don't know why. Like I said, I'm very touchy these days, I get upset easily over the smallest damn issues, and I ultimately still wish I didn't have to take this damn As and just escape to a resort or something in Hawaii. But that would mean escapism, and while it's a form of relief, it's not a very courageous way to deal with things because running away doesn't solve a damn thing. (like drinking, because after you become sober, your problems still exist.)

I know I'm not dead. I know I still have hope. So the mentality of 'Die on your feet, not on your knees' does not exist (because that only refers to people who, well, intend to make the best of the worse situation they've got).I actually want to come out alive. Alive and triumphant.

I feel like hell, and I can feel myself snapping somewhere deep within the core. ( yes Geog student.)
I can't do anything about it.

Time for work.

It's those random times like these that make me feel that life's actually worth living for once.

It doesn't matter that there's A levels. For once, the stress is gone, and in its place is the irrefutable fact that yes, I am happy. Truly happy.

Something that doesn't happen so very often.

Psychologists have long questioned the idea of happiness and chanted that one must 'live life to the fullest' in order to be happy, yet this proves itself more idealistic than anything else, doesn't it? Today's a rat race, a constant struggle for money, job opportunities and higher rankings in whichever organisation we're with- to the extent whereby we can really question if this is what makes us happy. Materialistic, no? Better still, Singaporean's 5Cs further enhance this materialistic mindset of ours- the supposed 'ideal' state of happiness whereby our lives as Singaporeans are complete. A couple of steps out of line, and we find ourselves facing the endless mount of societial disregard and animosity, ultimately resulting in heavy mental burden and ultimately a lack of happiness for life.

I could go about how society oppresses happiness to the extent that practicality trumps everything else, but I'm not going to go all gp-ish here. (Pardon me, GP exam is this friday). Fact of the matter is, hey, I am happy, and if things carry on as it is, I might have found what I really am happy with. It doesn't need to fulfill the 5Cs of a Singaporean mindset (even though I live in Singapore). Happiness is socially constructed, but that doesn't stop me from searching for happiness outside that of the realm of society.

I think it's something I've already found, actually. Or rather, in a strange, amusing yet interesting manner. What may happen in the future may not necessarily be considered anywhere near the 5Cs, yet who said that they encapsulated the mindset entirely, anyway? Along a continuum, I guess there'll be different degrees of what makes a person happy and how happy it makes a person, but at the end of the day, everyone's going to find happiness in their own way, I guess.

It's a pleasantly nice feeling how you make me happy a lot of the time with as something as simple as your presence. Sitting quietly, placidly amist the equally tranquil scenery- that's what makes me feel on top of the world. Just you being there, and knowing that I'm worth your time. And that's what this entire ramble was supposed to be about, anyway, how yes, something as simple as sitting quietly in the park with the cool breeze can make one feel so peacefully quiet, so peacefully happy.

That's what I live for, something I'll always strive for. Something that I'll always look forward to. It doesn't really matter if we don't fit into the ideal of what Singapore defines as happy (the 5Cs), because even if we did, would that mean true happiness and without it, would it mean we would never be happy?

Most certainly not:)

I'm sick. Fever.

Again, and as always, right before exams. Curse my luck, really.

But thankfully despite the fever at least I'm still up and still mobile. Prelims are in 5 days and I need the time to study.

Study. Hah. That words leaves a bitter aftertaste. Study. How overused can this word be? It's the word every parent uses on their child, to 'whip' them into shape ( I hate that word in inverted commas too, just so you know) and for which all friends use on each other. I'm studying, they say. I want to study, I need to study. Worse still, I need to mug, become a mugger, they say as well. Stupid, and stupid again. Study? Gesture like some raving mad dog about the goodness of studying? That's disgusting. Tell me more about how you need to study, how you've been studying so hard. I give you the polite nod. The knowing smile. Because that's all you deserve really- superficialities. I never did think you were mature/deep enough to understand most complexities, anyway. And studying is just one of them. Fake it. Hide behind a facade. That's what I know you're best at.

As for me, I'm doing what I can. There's no need to nag at me about my study methods, how and when to study. Please. 18 years, of my life, and you think I'm not well accustomed?

So study? What study? I'll do what I can. As always, use that term to mock me, and I'm pretty sure you're in for a hard time.