Today, I decided to do something I usually wouldn't have done.
I decided to look through all the old photos I had on facebook, right back to the time I was sec 2.
Perhaps the older, childish photos I had of myself didn't really affect me, but it was in fact the more recent photos I saw that caused me to wonder how much I've actually changed.
I saw the photos of the time I started my JC life, right back during orientation when everything was still so carefree and so happy. Then the days following that, my new class (for which I somehow bonded really well with, at the beginning. ) And the literal fun, joy and laughter. I'm not even joking here. I was that happy. That... childish. I remember how how I'd excitedly look forward to coming to school and putting on that blue uniform, stepping into class and actually making jokes with friends. I remember how I was so happy when I was assigned my PW group because I thought they were the best members in a group I could ever ask for. I remember math class, where I was busy trying to keep Chu (back then when I barely knew him well other than my math teacher shouting DAVID CHU WAKE UPP!!) awake by sticking pieces of black tape all over him and ripping them off in an attempt to keep his eyes open (they didn't work :P) That was, in short, last year. The first half of last year, to be specific.
I also remember how all of that changed.
It wasn't a sudden change- it was gradual. Somehow, I lost touch with everyone. I became quieter, more weary and as a result lost so many of the friends I tried so hard at the beginning of the year to make. I lost my hyper-ness, my ability to laugh and joke and say stupid things and take the remarks that were tossed at me good-naturedly. In short, I lost quite a lot of both tangible and intagible things- and only a few remained. (On the positive side though, I also gained a fair bit of things from my quietness) Then I realised that hey, I was happier that way. I didn't have to try so hard to be accepted. I was happy- in a quiet way.
Somehow, the photos from last year all reflected that. And some of the photos, well, I couldn't even remember where they were taken or how ( I don't mean by a camera) because right now, looking at them, I can never imagine myself being in that situation again and taking that photo with the same people. It's funny. Funny in a slightly sad way. Like that tiny sensation of sadness that pricks you at the pit of the stomach, before you shrug it off as a stomachache, but you know it's not.
I'm much happier now. I'm happy that I've finally come to terms with exactly who I am (yes, the earlier part of last year was basically because I was still struggling to find my identity and who I was, really.) and I'm happy that I've finally found friends who accept me for the person whom I chose to be. But perhaps there's also that tinge of regret, because you're wondering how you could have been once that hyperactive girl in class who could transit easily between different cliques in the class, and how you could have deceived yourself into thinking that that's the person you actually are, when deep down inside, you know that you're putting on a facade.
People change. Things change. Places, events, situations change. It's sad to watch things change, but at the same time, we can't keep clinging on to the past. We can't keep wishing things never changed because wishing never changed anything. It's easier to accept the change, because sometimes, the change is within our own means. We choose how and when to change. And if it's a concious effort to change for the better, then the present is not only a reality for which we should embrace, but for which we will enjoy embracing, simply because the change is what we want.
Simply because by changing, the present is now better than the past.
I decided to look through all the old photos I had on facebook, right back to the time I was sec 2.
Perhaps the older, childish photos I had of myself didn't really affect me, but it was in fact the more recent photos I saw that caused me to wonder how much I've actually changed.
I saw the photos of the time I started my JC life, right back during orientation when everything was still so carefree and so happy. Then the days following that, my new class (for which I somehow bonded really well with, at the beginning. ) And the literal fun, joy and laughter. I'm not even joking here. I was that happy. That... childish. I remember how how I'd excitedly look forward to coming to school and putting on that blue uniform, stepping into class and actually making jokes with friends. I remember how I was so happy when I was assigned my PW group because I thought they were the best members in a group I could ever ask for. I remember math class, where I was busy trying to keep Chu (back then when I barely knew him well other than my math teacher shouting DAVID CHU WAKE UPP!!) awake by sticking pieces of black tape all over him and ripping them off in an attempt to keep his eyes open (they didn't work :P) That was, in short, last year. The first half of last year, to be specific.
I also remember how all of that changed.
It wasn't a sudden change- it was gradual. Somehow, I lost touch with everyone. I became quieter, more weary and as a result lost so many of the friends I tried so hard at the beginning of the year to make. I lost my hyper-ness, my ability to laugh and joke and say stupid things and take the remarks that were tossed at me good-naturedly. In short, I lost quite a lot of both tangible and intagible things- and only a few remained. (On the positive side though, I also gained a fair bit of things from my quietness) Then I realised that hey, I was happier that way. I didn't have to try so hard to be accepted. I was happy- in a quiet way.
Somehow, the photos from last year all reflected that. And some of the photos, well, I couldn't even remember where they were taken or how ( I don't mean by a camera) because right now, looking at them, I can never imagine myself being in that situation again and taking that photo with the same people. It's funny. Funny in a slightly sad way. Like that tiny sensation of sadness that pricks you at the pit of the stomach, before you shrug it off as a stomachache, but you know it's not.
I'm much happier now. I'm happy that I've finally come to terms with exactly who I am (yes, the earlier part of last year was basically because I was still struggling to find my identity and who I was, really.) and I'm happy that I've finally found friends who accept me for the person whom I chose to be. But perhaps there's also that tinge of regret, because you're wondering how you could have been once that hyperactive girl in class who could transit easily between different cliques in the class, and how you could have deceived yourself into thinking that that's the person you actually are, when deep down inside, you know that you're putting on a facade.
People change. Things change. Places, events, situations change. It's sad to watch things change, but at the same time, we can't keep clinging on to the past. We can't keep wishing things never changed because wishing never changed anything. It's easier to accept the change, because sometimes, the change is within our own means. We choose how and when to change. And if it's a concious effort to change for the better, then the present is not only a reality for which we should embrace, but for which we will enjoy embracing, simply because the change is what we want.
Simply because by changing, the present is now better than the past.
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