Is it me or do I just feel so... incompetent?
Like I'm never as good as her?
Maybe it's just an aesthetic thing- Insecure times I wished I looked better.
Then again, I know it's just plain stupid. Why am I even comparing myself to someone who doesn't even know me( and for whom will never know me because such conflicts cause me to wonder if I'll ever even want to know her seeing as I may not even be a true, good friend etc, but let's not go there) and pure envious of her, especially since I've already been reassured otherwise?
Maybe it's because I know I have very high expectations of who I consider aesthetically fit. And it's because of this that I feel that she's a threat-physically, I mean. Not that anything is ever going to happen(obviously). I hate to revisit the past- I'm immensely angry because I just can't help it- but something... something draws me into to doing things that I know will make me feel horrible. I'm somewhat masochistic, am I not? It hurts me to badly, I DON'T WANT TO REVISIT THE PAST, yet I'm drawn into it perhaps not because I just want to hurt myself but just because I need to convince myself that I'm not some messed up, crazed person with undoubted insecurities and I have no reason to be insecure about myself in the 1st place?
I don't know. Honestly. I've never felt like this in the past, having to continually justify that I'm supposedly better of ( how damn narcissistic of me, really.) Then again, to be continually insecure about something like this really paints me as an extremely superficial person, no?
I don't doubt the reassurance. In fact, it's actually very comforting to know that and hear it from the person himself. It's just these weird feelings that I get, that crop up every now and again. And well, as I'm typing this, the feeling's already dissipating. How very odd of me, really.
Like I'm never as good as her?
Maybe it's just an aesthetic thing- Insecure times I wished I looked better.
Then again, I know it's just plain stupid. Why am I even comparing myself to someone who doesn't even know me( and for whom will never know me because such conflicts cause me to wonder if I'll ever even want to know her seeing as I may not even be a true, good friend etc, but let's not go there) and pure envious of her, especially since I've already been reassured otherwise?
Maybe it's because I know I have very high expectations of who I consider aesthetically fit. And it's because of this that I feel that she's a threat-physically, I mean. Not that anything is ever going to happen(obviously). I hate to revisit the past- I'm immensely angry because I just can't help it- but something... something draws me into to doing things that I know will make me feel horrible. I'm somewhat masochistic, am I not? It hurts me to badly, I DON'T WANT TO REVISIT THE PAST, yet I'm drawn into it perhaps not because I just want to hurt myself but just because I need to convince myself that I'm not some messed up, crazed person with undoubted insecurities and I have no reason to be insecure about myself in the 1st place?
I don't know. Honestly. I've never felt like this in the past, having to continually justify that I'm supposedly better of ( how damn narcissistic of me, really.) Then again, to be continually insecure about something like this really paints me as an extremely superficial person, no?
I don't doubt the reassurance. In fact, it's actually very comforting to know that and hear it from the person himself. It's just these weird feelings that I get, that crop up every now and again. And well, as I'm typing this, the feeling's already dissipating. How very odd of me, really.
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