Miss.

It's past 12 am. Again. 

This feels reminiscent of JC, very much so. I remember the days when I stayed up just trying to memorise facts on the different erosional processes the rivers, or the different cohesive devices used in texts, or the different integration/differentiation formulas. 

I'm not even learning half of all those things now, but here I am, staying up to complete a presentation that's not even due till next week. That presentation is an odd one, it's on Chaucer's Miller's Tale and the General Prologue, for which it involves deciphering bad pick up lines and honest-to-God bad pick up attempts (I'm being very diplomatic here) on a woman. Which happily ends with the lover being stubbed with a hot poker on his butt. A really interesting story, but one that's also hard to analyse right now. Which explains why, again, I am awake past 12 in the morning. 

I haven't even slept properly in days. The past few days, even on days where I have to wake up at 5.45am in the morning to embark on my 2 hour pilgrimage to school, I've been sleeping past 12 am. And then of course, I wake up in the morning cursing myself for having done such a stupid thing ie. staying up past 12 am the night before. Sometimes I fear if this is going to be my life for the next 4 years. I guess it is. But then again, I guess that's what you get for growing up- not that we have any choice, of course. And this is an odd vibe but I miss working amongst guys back in my office. Where there was less drama (save for one person), and I was a lot, I don't know, carefree? Yeah. I like this place and the people and all- I can get along with them ( I just hung out with my friend after school today and we had a real heart to heart chat about guys over Sogurt). It's just that, in a way, I miss the past. As I always do. 

Speaking of work however, I just realised that soon, I'll have nothing left to go back for. The people at work, at least those whom I know, are quitting soon, and they're gradually replaced with newer (could I also say more inefficient?) staff. I recently headed back to work for lunch with my co-workers before they all leave the workplace (since we're all temp staff anyway) when I finally found a free slot in my timetable for one last lunch with them. Nigel is quitting this Friday, and Daniel will be leaving within the next 2 weeks of September as well. There'll be no one left for me to return to anymore. Both of them are about to start new phases of life as well- Nigel as he enlists, and Daniel as he begins his 2nd year at Uni. And in time, that place will exist as a fond memory- nothing more. It's sad. 

Then there's Chu. He's busy in camp as well, and as always, the pain of seeing him book in every weekend is something I'm used to by now. I can't help it. And as our conversations grow quieter, again, I look back on the past and think, why can't it be like how it was when we first got together? Then I remember that in every relationship, there'll always be a settling down. This is mine, I guess. Or perhaps I've already settled down, gotten used to this routine of Chu-army, Ju-Uni routine. And routines are constant, and I like that. I'm familiar with it. 

This has been a rather long blog post for one done at 12.33am in the morning. My paper has remained blank save for the title. The poem I'm reading is long and intimidating. But I don't have a choice, do I? 

I don't. I have to move on. I have to put my sad, soulful sentiments (woohoo alliteration) behind and move on. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard, but somehow or other, I will manage. I will survive. I will make it. Somehow. 

Temporal.

Temporary (adj) : Not permanent; not lasting

That's the dictionary meaning. And that's how I'm feeling right now. 

I'm currently stuck in this situation whereby my future is so unknown. Yes I may have made friends in uni, but my gut feeling tells me that something isn't quite right. Like I'm not being myself, and when I actually start being myself, well, things might start to change a little. I remember how this was so very reminiscent of the days when I first started JC. What eventually happened? You know, Julyn, you know. 

This isn't the only thing that I fear, however. It's all the people in my life as well. I'm at this extremely insecure stage of my life right now, and while I don't like it, I don't have a choice but to force myself to like this routine. It's mundane, it's draining, but it's all I have. And with this insecurity brought about by this stage of life, there are many other things I'm fearful of as well. Chu is one. I fear that something will tear us apart. I fear we'll be stretched thin and I fear that someday, we'll just tire of each other. But despite all these fears, this relationship is probably the one thing that defies this whole 'temporary' vibe I'm feeling right now. I hope so, at least. 

And my friends. Those I made in JC, particularly, and those I meet at different phases of my life. What will happen to them? I guess the overly optimistic view would state that ' oh we can all still be friends!', but a more pessimistic (perhaps more realistic) point of view would be ' we will all move on with our lives. ' And the latter makes me sad. But I guess that's something that really cannot be helped, especially while we're all so busy. 

Cheers. 

I don't wanna fight

I can't sleep

Everything I ever knew
Is a lie
Without you

I can't breathe
When my heart is broke in two
There's no beat
Without you

You're not gone, but you're not here
Is that's the way it seems tonight
I know that we can make it right
'Cause baby

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fightin' for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you

I don't wanna have to try

Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

How can I live?

When everything that I adore
And everything I'm livin' for
Girl it's in you

I can't dream
Sleepless nights have got me bad
The only dream I ever had
Is bein' with you

I know that we can make it right
It's gonna take a little time
Lets not leave ourselves with no way out
Lets not cross that line
No

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fightin' for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you

I don't wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

Remember that I made a vow
That I would never let you go
I meant it then, I mean it now
And I want to tell you so

I don't wanna fight no more
(Ohh no)
I forgot what we were fightin' for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you
(Now I don't want to)

I don't wanna have to try
(No)
Girl to live without you in my life
(Life)
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
(Can we start?)
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fightin' for
(Ohh and this loneliness)
And this loneliness that's in my heart
(In my heart)
Won't let me be apart from you
(From you no)

I don't wanna have to try
(Don't wanna try)
Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
(I'm hopin', I'm hopin')
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

So lie
Without you
Without you

This is currently my new favourite song. Old, slow songs somehow appeal to me. 

Goals.

I realise that I've been posting a lot of pretty heavy stuff recently (Strange that the blog viewership is going up though, despite all these continuously emo posts). So here's a little reflective list of things that I'm going to make right now at the start of this new phase of life (I've only been in Uni for 2 weeks anyway). I hope that by the time I graduate in 4 years, nothing would have changed. They're in no particular order, since I'm writing them as and when the thought occurs to me, but I guess that those that occur first are usually the ones that mean more to me than the rest.

1. I will not smoke. 

2. I will not go clubbing and get grinded against by guys. 

3. I want Chu to be the guy I'm still together with.. 

4. I want this close friendship with my god-brother to remain as it is right now even as he enters NS.  

5. I will maintain the level of effort I'm putting into my studies now all through the 4 years. 

6. I will continue having a life. 

7. I will remember that studies is my main goal in Uni.

8. I will not try to be someone I am not. 

9. I will continue to hold dearly to the ones whom mean the most to me. 

10. I will not be taken advantage of. 

11. I will not excessively drink.
12. I will not take drugs ( this one ought to be on top, but it was an afterthought seeing I'd never take them.)

There are many more things that I would have written, but these are the top 10 most important ones. I realize the last few are somewhat arbitrary, but I guess I could live with this list for now. 

Here's to a good(?) 4 years in Uni. 

Beowulf.

A couple of days ago, I had to do an analysis on an Anglo-Saxon poem, Beowulf. And if there's something I took away from having to analysize the old English writing of that poem, it's the notion of beauty and what constitutes beauty in that day and age. How Grendel, this vicious condemned fiend was slain by Beowulf, the great warrior who eventually became the king. Midway though, he was bestowed gifts of gold, precious silver and jewellery for the valour and courage he displayed. It's beautiful because those gifts were considered a status symbol- and those gifts also came with the gift of popularity. But what really struck me was how his actions of bravery earned him so much popularity and admiration- so much so that the poem revolves around him and his actions only, praising him of his power and strength so much so we don't ever get to witness Beowulf's flaws. Rarely do we get to see the rest of the population (which also make up the culture of society back then)- the ones whom have fallen by the wayside in pursuit of Beowulf's fame and glory.

I guess that sometimes I feel a little like the 'rest of the population'. The ones who have fallen by the wayside while attention is showered on Beowulf replicas in society. Who are these replicas in society today?  I'll attempt to superimpose an Anglo Saxon society onto today's culture here- The rich, the famous, and the one point that always gets to me- the physically attractive. The pretty, so to speak. Let's face it- I'm your average Singaporean girl who's meekly toed the 12 year line of education- Primary school secondary school, JC, and now in Uni, and I've seen friends who shoot up to fame, who are blogshop models, actors, who write beauty editorials and who live by basking in the limelight. I don't quite want any of this- I personally find that a little demeaning to females sometimes- but there are times where I wonder what it's like to be in the shoes of those who live in the limelight. Whom everyone shower with praises of ' You're pretty', 'you're amazing' and all. Whom companies sponsor to wear their outfits and promote their makeup brands. Whom are the Beowulfs of today. 

Don't get me wrong. I don't seek to model those girls with shape but no substance. I'm proud of the fact that I made it into a uni, I'm happy that I graduated from a JC and that I somehow survived through the fishing nets of the education system. My best friend has told me to be more confident of my looks ( thank you bro). He's asked me why I don't want to believe him. Chu has told me that I'm good. That I'm decent and I'm pretty. But I don't feel it. And sometimes despite everything everyone says, I have to convince myself that I'm good - not have everyone try to convince me. 

I will be leaving me teen years soon. This is my last teen year. And I have to learn to come to terms with the fact that I will see some of my friend showered in the limelight. That some will go on and have fame plastered on their foreheads. That some will live a life of sponsored comfort and luxury. That some will be a Beowulf, with metaphorical jewels and gold bestowed upon them- that's beauty. But then again, beauty comes in various forms. Some will work hard and do well within their own fields of study. Some will encounter success in business. That's beautiful as well. And finally (and personally), I have to do my best in whatever I do, as well as convince myself that I'm good. That essentially, everyone has a Beowulf in them. That warrior that is willing to break forth and fight when the right time comes. 

I'll end on this note then. To my best guy friend, I say thank you for staying by me, and all the best for NS. You've cheered me up a great deal by just being there for me. To my Uni friends I say, thank you for accepting me (for now) for the person I am. And lastly, to Chu, who's been with me for more than a year now, and for putting up with me despite my flaws. 

I love you all, and for showing me that the true Beowulf lies not solely within the Anglo Saxon society, but also within each and every one of us. 

Conclusion.

You know, I never actually thought that you were a bad person. I searched for your rationale behind your motives, I actually believed in seeking the good in everyone. But there was something blatant about yours, about the way you handled the situation, about the way you spoke that evoked a backlash. Perhaps you never intended it, or perhaps even if you did intend it, that you'd never intended to carry it out. I don't know, and I won't know at all right now. A part of me longs to find out, to mend the sour ties that we ended things on. I hated the way we ended things, but I had no choice, and I don't regret it, because I was left ( or rather, you left me) with no other option. It must have been a case of extreme deja vu for you, having seen it happen once before and now again. 

But a part of me ( a more rational, perhaps) side of me knows that to venture into such areas would be to open a can of worms. You could say that I'm happy with the status quo- that we refrain from contact, that we acknowledge that each exists but speak no further on the topic- it has given me much peace and much freedom in the past few weeks. But you could also say that the happiness is diluted, diluted by the tinge of sadness that rears it's head every now and again when your name pops up on Facebook, on Twitter or on Instagram. The sadness that speaks, "we needn't have ended it this way, but I had no choice." The sadness upon realising that we started off so well, versus the situation we both are in currently. I hate losing friendships, I really do. Sometimes I wish we hadn't. But at other times I think that cutting off ties was the best way to prove my resolution and my limit. 

This isn't a note of apology. Neither am I asking you to begin your contact with me again. For the better, rather than worse, and despite the tinges of sadness, it's best to keep things as they are right now. I don't know how you may feel upon reading this (if you ever do read it). I don't even know what you may think of me now. You never struck me as overly reflective, anyway. And I'd rather not know, in any case. Ignorance is bliss sometimes. 

In any case, you're enlisting soon. I hope that matures you and turns you into a better person, from the one I currently know, because, despite having 2 extremely similar incidents, you may/may not have learnt your lesson. All the best. You'll need it, and cheers. 

Time capsule

Couple of minutes ago, I was reading an excerpt from Jamaica Kincaid's A Small Place, which are my readings for this week. And midway while scribbling down what I thought of the tone ( mocking and condescending). it suddenly struck me- how little control we have over our lives. Where we go, what we do, what our future holds. It suddenly seems rather ethereal... and to some extent, disturbing.

Why I say this is because, well, this is only the 2nd week and I'm already drained from the whole university culture and workload. I don't see myself going anywhere, I don't see what I'm going to do with a degree in English (well no, maybe I could do a lot of things but that would all depend on how hard I'm going to work.) I don't know how I'm going to survive this mess but I'll have to survive it, somehow. The thought of having 4 years of this is extremely demoralizing right now.

Maybe it's because I'm still adjusting. I hope it's because I'm still adjusting. I remember how I had this exact sentiments when I first started work back then. I remember how I dreaded work and how I absolutely didn't know how I was going to survive the 3 months. But I did, I forced myself to enjoy it, and 3 months flew by quickly. Strange to think about how I look back on this with a fondness I never thought I'd possess when I first started.

I hope Uni will mimic work in this aspect, whereby I eventually grow to love it as much as I did work, although uni will be a much longer duration. Right now, I'm hoping, I'm praying, that everything will work out. That the friends I've made will still be my friends when I don that mortar board and graduation gown in 2017. That I will graduate with the Honours I want. That I get a 4.5 and above GPA. That my research projects, my role as a leader of 10 for my elective and my studies will progress smoothly. The list is endless. And there's only so much control I have other this. Who's to know if my professor will hate me and mark me down? Who's to know if my group will grow to hate me as a leader and make my life difficult? Who's to know... who's to know. I can continue forever.

(I remember when I first began JC1. The friends that I made in JC1 never eventually became my close friends. And I'm fearing that this will happen again. Especially if I have no means of doing something about it. I'm insecure and I'm afraid, but I have no other choice than soldier on. )

In other news, one of my closest and best friends will be enlisting next month. I will miss his presence as an older brother and a confidante to me. A lot. But then again, that, I don't have control over.

Maybe that's why religion exists. Because we, as humans, need a form of respite, a form of escape for the choices we have to make in life. Because we, as humans, feel the need to "blame" (I'm using this for lack of a better term right now) someone else for the things that happen in our life. Because we, as humans, are proud and cannot always accept that we are wrong and that we have to be responsible for the mistakes we make. Sometimes I wonder if religion was therefore mankind's own make- very agnostic thinking, I know- supported sometimes by a lit book I read back in JC; Tess of the D'Ubervilles, where Tess's parents were portrayed as rather immature adults (I'm not going to quote from the book here, this is a blog, not a lit essay) for their devout religious faith. But of course, this is, literally, my form of Random Access Memory, and to someone else this could probably just pass off as a childish little girl talking. I am a Christian afterall, I believe in God and that Jesus came down to earth and died for our sins- but to say this now would probably make me look like a giant irony. I don't know. These are after all, just my thoughts, because sometimes I find that with such little control over our lives, what we can control is actually negligible. There must be God, and there must be Him who is all-seeing and all powerful. And that whatever control we have is considered rather meaningless. But then again, we are, afterall, given the ultimate decision as to whether or not we want to believe in God or not, so how much control we have would be determined by perspective, I suppose.

I'm not quite sure if this whole post is cohesive, but I'll just leave it as it is right now. I don't intend to offend or insult- merely to voice my thoughts aloud. I don't know how this post turned into a purging of my thoughts, because I initially intended for this to be a post about Uni and how my friend would be enlisting. But in any case, I'm confused and worried and rather fearful. Perhaps this mish-mash of thoughts in this post is the result.

Memoranda

odules, GERPES, UEs, S/Us, etc. It's the first time I'm exposed to such terminologies but within the past 4 days I've learnt one thing - not to underestimate admin work. Because the admin work needed for uni is huge and the adjustments we freshmen need to undergo emotionally and psychologically are definitely no less.

But I have to get used to it, I know. Today marks the start of my first year in NTU. After saying the NTU pledge, wearing that academic gown (?) as odd as it may sound, did it's part in allowing us to feel sort of welcome. Then there were loads of talks, and loads more messages to take away. But one thing remained clear and that was the fact that we needed to balance our time and opportunities. No doubt it's going to be different and difficult. I feel it already. It's a tad bit tiresome to have to keep remaking friends and force myself to be independent where I once could somewhat rely on others. Force myself to adapt, no matter the difficulty, because if others can, why can't I? It's just another phase of life.

But - I'm sure I'm not the only one to admit this, - I hate change. I like the simple comfortable life I used to live, knowing what would happen and having some sort of plan. My job was a good example. Having left it for coming 2 weeks already, I still remember that place fondly, the people (despite whatever may have happened) the things I learnt there. In a way, it was a short getaway from having to worry about uni, but I can't escape forever. Even going to Taiwan after I stopped work was merely a temporary respite.
I'd still have to face uni eventually, no matter how much I dread having to adapt to this new change. But I know myself, I know that I tend to cling onto the last phase I was in and wish it'd last longer. Sometimes when I'm alone, my mind inevitably drifts towards work, towards the counting of those vouchers, to going for lunch with Nigel and Daniel, and to the parts I loved the most, having time to talk to them after lunch and after work. To the times we'd head home together, to the times they'd spend teasing me about being an alien. I can't seem to let that go - not that I want to - and sometimes reliving those memories provides a form of stress relief during this uni adjusting period. I don't know why I do that, but I do it all the same. Maybe it's because I liked the stability of work. Maybe it's because I was happy with the company of friends I had there. Anything.

I'd like thank 2 people though. Chu is one. That goes without saying. For being there for me, for doing all you can despite being stuck in camp and ndp, for trying to understand my situation, for caring about my health and welfare. You're a vital part of my life I can't miss.
The second person is, well, someone who is special to me too. I shan't mention names because I don't want to incur jealousy, but this person has been around a lot for me too. For promising to stay in touch, for promising to try and cheer me up. For being the good god brother I never had. I wish you'd understand that this means a lot to me, because these words don't always come easily for others. As we move on with other parts of life, I hope we remain in touch, and that we remain as close as we are right now. I hope this friendship  makes it through the various life stages. And I hope that I'm not being overly optimistic here as well. It's been great knowing you. I appreciate your little acts of concern much more than you'd imagine. Thank you.

So I guess, time for some heads up, chin up motivation. Uni begins next week.
Let's do this.

Choices.

So, it's the woman's fault for being female. It's the woman's fault for working in a male dominated department. It's the woman's fault that the males must fall for her. The woman must be blamed for having the males fall for her even as she observes complete professionalism.

So much injustice indeed.

It isn't my fault, and I know that well and true. Call me opinionated if you so wish, but it's my form of quiet independence that no one can take from me. I definitely have the right to choose what, and with whom I request favours. I refuse to be shunted into doing something against my will and what I know is right. I have the choice.

But sometimes, my choices are tested. They're tested because I trust too easily, I trust too much, and again and again, I pay the price. My frustration at myself lies in my inability to learn from this betrayal. Friends have back stabbed me, betrayed me, hurt me and yet all I do is to forgive them repeatedly. Maybe I really am a forgiving person, but what if I'm forgiving those people out of pride for having trusted someone whom I shouldn't have? I've been grappling with this problem since time immemorial, but it's only recently that I'm starting to see how see how my independence, my choice and most of all, my trust in others are being tested.

In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have trusted so easily. Maybe I shouldn't have naively believed his words that he'd never use what I told him against me. Right from the start, I should have been wary. I should have done what instincts told me to do. For 2 months , I was tested, and for 2 months, I was hurt. And I did something few other girls would have done - nothing. I let it continue. Because I promised, I couldn't speak of these issues to anyone. I was confused, fearful and uncertain. I didn't know what I said would trigger another tirade of anger. I forgave and I hoped he'd change. Time and again, I'd see some positive change, only for it to regress. I don't even know if it was harassment. It could have been.
And I thought that when I left, things would end. But it didn't and it got worse. Today, I'm still scared and I'm still worried. I have no one to turn to and I can't even breathe a word. Not even to those who care, apart from chu, because I promised. Even when it's suffocating and I long to talk to someone about it. This bottling is killing me slowly.

I've rarely been so stressed, and I rarely feel like breaking down so badly. I wish I could do something, anything, that would resolve this, but because the problem doesn't lie with me, I can't do anything. I could have left, I could have just gone and completely cut ties altogether but I'm not mean enough to do that. Sometimes I feel my determination and ability to withstand all this nonsense is working to my disadvantage. I don't know.

It's not my fault though. And I know this for sure. It's not something I did or said wrong. The issue doesn't lie with me. Tonight was possibly the first time I fought back, and I fought back with a tenacity I never knew I had. I was just so frustrated, so angry, so annoyed with bottling everything up, so tired of putting on a front, so tired of all the petty shouting. Tonight, I think someone saw through my veneer. Tonight, someone saw my frustration. And it isn't my fault. Don't blame me. Don't control me. Don't demand my exclusive attention.
You have no right.
And the choices are mine to make. Even the choice of keeping you as a friend.

Work experience 2- NTUC

So yesterday was my last day of work with NTUC Fairprice Finance. It was also the last time I'd walk through those glassdoors, use the 'thank you' finger print machine and tap my trusty entry pass that's been giving me staff discounts at the office canteen. 

It was also the last time I'd see my colleagues within the work place. In a way, it was a soulful, sad parting, because after having learnt so much about each other, leaving the work place was harder than it should have been. I gave out a couple of chocolate bars to those who were closest to me- Zul, Nigel, Daniel, Big Sister Joan and Aunty Jennifer(my supervisor) with personalised notes attached. I wasn't expecting a flood of gifts to come back though- a slice of cheese cake (baked by Aunty Jennifer) and a lovely pen stylus (also from aunty), a box of Dove chocolate rolls from Zul, a bottle of M and Ms and 2 energy fruit bars from Nigel and 3 Hershey's kisses from Daniel. It was touching. 

I spent the rest of the day rushing through my work trying to finish as many vouchers as I could, before heading down for lunch for the last time with Nigel and Daniel. (Zul was fasting.) We headed back to the office and took some pictures with the rest of the office members, then worked till knock-off time. I guess that's where it really hit me- that I'd be seeing everything here for the last and final time. Daniel gave me a brotherly hug just before he left, then I headed down for dinner with Zul and Nigel at NEX. I desperately needed to hold back tears, for the better or worse. 

This whole work experience taught me a lot though. Apart from the fact that my math improved, I learnt how to converse well within a workplace and how to remain a cordial professionalism with my colleagues. No where else have I learnt how to control my feelings and my emotions- I've come close to snapping many a time but eventually pulled myself together. The discipline and all was something I got used to as well, eventually, because I had to adhere to the strict regimes and the need to maintain utmost efficiency. From counting, to stamping, to removing defected vouchers, to sorting supplier coupons, to rushing UStretch vouchers- everything.

I wouldn't have been able to accomplish all these without the help of my colleagues though. To Zul, I say, thank you for those little jokes we share at the workplace, those little gifts of food when you know I need them, and thanks for usually being a cheerful, happy person. To Nigel, thanks for being who you are, for always having that ready smile, for always thinking of my needs and for being a close friend of mine. To Daniel, thanks for always being friendly and for being the only person I can relate any JC stuff with, as well as for those times you've cheered me up with your positive attitude. Thanks to all 3 of you, for teasing me in jest for being an 'alien', for not judging me, and for allowing me to be who I am. You all have impacted me in ways I cannot imagine.

Finally, to my supervisor, thank you for always being so utterly patient with me, for my lack of proficiency with Excel, for my little slip-ups and for always being so cheerful. I couldn't have asked for a better supervisor, and your help has indeed gone a long way. It has also been much appreciated. 

Thus ends another phase of my life at work. First PCF Sengkang West, now this. That's 2 phases of work life I've had as I begin my final preparations for Uni life (which will be vastly different from this I daresay). In short, thank you NTUC Fairprice, for all you've done for me. It's been a very fulfilling and eye-opening journey with you. To my friends, I love you all. Let's stay in touch.

Today's the 15th of July, a Monday. I handed in my resignation form today.
And as of today, I have exactly 4 more days and 1 hour or so left before I end yet another phase of my life at NTUC Fairprice Finance.

I think I blogged about it before, but I'm going to say it again - the feeling is.. Overwhelmingly sad. And my mood fluctuates so drastically at work because of this; I want to end this mundane job, yet I can't bear to leave all the people behind...

At the same time, however, there are periods of time I felt the pressure to just drop everything and leave. I knew there were times I hated everything - the pain, the anger, the hurt, the injustice. Everything. Pressure nearly forced me to quickly earlier than expected, especially since I couldn't do anything about this pressure. I couldn't resist it, neither could I fight it headlong. It was trouble in every form of the word, and yet I pulled through it, somehow.

I'm going to miss everyone, I know. And ironically, it's not a case of 'despite the pain and hurt', but rather, 'because of the pain and hurt', I'd miss them more than usual.

Especially since we're all going to begin new phases of our lives.

Time is literally flying past. It's going to be 2 months since I began working with NTUC Fairprice, and while it hasn't always been a bed of roses, I can't say that I never had fun. I've had my fun times, and along with it, times when I want to yank my hair out because results simply don't tally.

There's not much I really want to say, except for the fact that well, I'll miss these people when I leave. I rarely meet such non judgemental people, and when I do, I realise that they're people worth keeping. But the reality is that sometimes it's difficult. It takes effort, and not always is effort put in.

Oh, and that Raj, the newest guy, is leaving, in place of another new guy coming in tomorrow. It's no affecting me, but I don't like change. Then again, no one does, right?

I need to be more cautious, and be more alert, I feel. Not everyone out there is out to catch me, but not everyone has good intentions either. I miss when life was simple. When things were decided for me, actually. When things weren't all so complicated and messy. And I'm praying everyday that I make peace with myself and especially others. To care, to love, and to hope.

Just a little reflection.

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don’t sound the same
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down
Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name
It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should ‘ve bought you flowers And held your hand
Should ‘ve gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby’s dancing, but she’s dancing with another man.

MY PRIDE , MY EGO , MY NEEDS , AND MY SELFISH WAYS,
Caused a GOOD STRONG WOMAN like you to walk out my life
Now I NEVER , NEVER get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes.
It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should ‘ve bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should ‘ve gave you all my hours when I had the chance.
Take you to every party
Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby’s dancing, but she’s dancing with another man.

Although it hurts, I’ll be the first to say that I was wrong.
Oh, I know I’m probably much too late,
To try and apologize for my mistakes But I just want you to know
I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Gives you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should ‘ve done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should ‘ve done
When I was your man.

-When I was your man, Bruno Mars -

I don't want to be overly melodramatic here. But this song really makes me tear. Especially when it still hurts so badly. It hurts worse when I've tried, and it isn't noticed. When I'm shot down with malicious bullets.
I never thought, and I never knew. I guess it doesn't matter that he once said he'll never give me up. It doesn't matter anymore. Mess up somemore ju, and reality will have you rubbing your nose in the dirt.
Blind faith, blind trust. Just force yourself, even if you kill yourself trying, force yourself. Shut up, and be the good girlfriend he deserves. No more hatred, no more spite.
I have this one last chance.
I'll have nothing left if I blow it.
This is so reminiscent, I swear, but I know I'll do anything. Even if I die, even if I go mad.
I'll do anything.

I love it, and I hate it. And the reasons why I love it are the exact same reasons why I hate it. I never thought it was possible, but for the first time ever, I'm feeling myself trapped in a situation where I don't have a choice.
I was told that I was overly friendly, and sometimes yes, I admit to that statement. But other times I remain adamant because I know I do not do so on purpose.
Is it my fault then? I don't think so. I don't have control over what happens, more so over how they feel. Yet why do I feel this sense of heaviness? Like something out there is pinning the blame on me and that I'm unwilling to fight back? What frightens me most is if I actually am happy with it, because knowing as such is a immense morale booster. It's wrong, and I know it, and I need another confidence booster. Or better still, the day I don't need a booster at all.
But what if this all isn't? What if I was over thinking ;What if I'm not even pin pointing the problem; what if I don't understand myself at all? This is an issue which , I'm sure, I wouldn't be facing only now. This will be an issue in uni, and as I see it, for the rest of my life.
The thought is morbidly disturbing.

Monday would be my third week with the company.
It's fast. It really is. And I'm only saying this because time can only fly quicker if you're having fun. It's probably a far cry from the first day, but despite some upheavals, I'm glad to say that I'm actually starting to like this job. Love it, hopefully.

The abrupt change in opinion though, you may wonder, would be attributed not so much to my work, but rather, to the 2 people whom I work with. This post will be largely dedicated to them for having made my job a little easier to cope with (let's hope I'm not jumping the gun here).
So the first one would be Zul, my immediate coworker, colleague or best known as my 'bro'. He's been there longer than I have, and is therefore more experienced both in terms of the job culture and nature. Job-wise, I've been relying a lot on him to help me out especially when I occasionally mess up and when I'm unsure about stuff. But beyond the job scope, he's the craziest, most 'bull-shitty' guy I've met, the one who cracks the most insanely inappropriate/awkward jokes to cheer me up when I'm stressed from keeping the values tallied, and one who brightens my entire working day by evoking a smile from me despite the stress I face.

The second one would be Nigel. I don't work directly with him, because we're technically from different departments, though we sit just a couple of metres from each other. However, despite speaking to him largely only during lunch hours, I'm grateful for his ready smile, and his quieter (but no less 'bull-shitty') demeanor that plays a part in lightening my spirits whether both he and Zul get together and toss rubber bands at each other (I join in, of course :P)

On a more serious note, however, I don't deny that we've never had issue, but as for me, I'm praying, hoping, that whatever may have occurred prior to my coming may have been resolved. And it seems so, thankfully. I dare not hope for too much, and I most certainly don't want to open a can of worms. I can't afford to lose either one of them, because well, the effects of that would be horrendous. I hope I haven't been too presumptuous here, neither do I want to sound too hopeful, but for once, this job certainly seems to be a bright one for me. I'm hoping it will last. Despite being an arts student and that the  constant calculations needed when tallying the number of vouchers drive me insane.

Love yall, and my kind supervisor too. Thanks for making my job a better one.

The transitioning.

I've officially begun work at the finance department of ntuc fair price, and things seem to be finally stabilising. It's been one rather hectic week, and while I must admit that the transition from having absolutely nothing to do at home to having to rush out the counting of vouchers was a difficult one, I couldn't have expected anything less than what I'm currently experiencing. I'm currently thanking God for having blessed me with a caring supervisor and some nice workmates whom I'd be spending the rest of my time there with. That, plus having the privilege of listening to music and eating whatever I want out of my drawer. It's a refreshing experience, and while sometimes I really dread work ( like now), I've got to admit that it's better that what I hoped for.

Sometimes though, I miss my days at the kindergarten. Not because I miss screaming at children, but rather because I felt that whatever talents I have were at least, well, being appreciated. I was given the opportunity to draw (for the children) and I was honoured when others asked me to help proof read their work. In a way, I was happy because despite the crazy schedule and being drained the entire day, I was appreciated, and the children were happy. Down here, it's a man's world (not like anywhere else isnt) and it's all math related - not my forte. And I fall short in many areas, not just because I'm an arts student, but also because I'm a girl and because I lack experience where others (like my cowokers) don't. It's marginalising sometimes, and it hurts, but I've learnt to swallow it because, after all, I've got very little opportunities to prove myself. I can't do mental sums as well as the other 2 engineering / mechengineering guys, and I lack in exp and strength where they both excel. It's sad.

They're nice people though. I'm glad that I get along with them, despite having vastly different backgrounds, and it's thanks to them that my working environment is a little better. Perhaps it's the fact that I can look forward to seeing them and talking nonsense that helps me get through the day.

I'm dreading the coming week now though. Today marks the last Saturday I'll see Chu because he'll be down for Ndp duty. Even Saturday till 9th August, and that's when I begin uni. I'm probably quitting beginning July, from the looks of it, so I get to spend a little more time preparing myself/spend time with him before the workload piles up from uni.

In any case, there's nothing much I can do now. There's 2 months to clear at work, and then there's uni. It's intimidating, and I'm not quite sure if I'm going to look forward to it.

And as always, they have a reason for saying growing up is tough.
Ah well. Mind over matter.

Again, it's been a while since I've blogged. But in the short span of time, quite a lot of things have happened/are happening. Let's see...

1. I got invited by NTU to study a BA Honours in English Lit! I couldn't believe it actually. Well granted that it wasn't my first choice- I really, badly wanted to study psychology- but having a degree in lit wouldn't be bad either. In fact, it may open up a lot of opportunities for me. Perhaps I could do teaching ( and become another Mrs Low in the process HAHA; the thought is mildly entertaining), or any other English related jobs in the future. Then again, I'm still in the process of waiting for other offers from other Unis, so let's see if NUS or SMU come back with positive offers(:

2. I've started sessions with Adrian with regard to .. some matters. I just realised that the incident that occurred back in Sec 4 wasn't fully healed, and I guess that Chu was right in saying I needed some closure. Except that right now, Adrian is telling me that if I wanted to truly revisit it, he'd refer me elsewhere. The idea seems close to revolting for now, but I understand that he means well, so.. I'll think about it sometime in the future. As of now, it's cathartic talking to him because it does provide some form of relief- something I've been searching for for a long time. He speaks some measure of truth, and despite the pride I originally had, I have to admit that he's right, and that some things I need to pay heed to. It's odd I guess, to find someone who I actually trust this much to reveal that many things about myself. Someone who's had more experience that I do. And whatever veneer I originally possessed disappeared when I decided to trust him. With my life, metaphorically.

3. Chu and I are celebrating our 12th month tomorrow- that's one year, finally! :D Well, the actual date's the 14th of May, but he'll be at the range then, so I guess the weekend's our only way of celebrating it. It's strange how we've come such a long way, changed and moulded for each other in ways I never imagined when we first started out. We began as an insecure, unsteady pair and I'm happy to say we're a lot happier now, more secure(hopefully) and more relaxed around each other.

4. I'm beginning work again on Monday as an admin assistant in Fairprice Finance. Finally, after.. 2 months of rest. I need to get my head working again before Uni. In a way, I can't wait to begin work. To live an active life and to actively participate in a working environment again.

I want to write something here but it's just too complicated to explain and describe.
All I know is that sometimes I don't think I did anything to deserve this. To be emotionally disregarded for 19 years of my life. Sometimes I feel like I've lived with it long enough because it's bad enough that there's no escape route for me now. I can't do anything, and though I'm 19, there's no saying when I'll eventually leave this mess.

I used to think it was normal- now I don't because the more I'm subjected to it, the more ridiculous I think it is. No one treats their daughter like that. No one would subject their daughter to emotional abuse like that either- and I'm serious because I'd much rather have taken physical abuse than emotional ones. And I've been taught to believe that I'm lucky because rarely has anyone inflicted physical abuse on me. But now that I think about it, I'd much rather have it physical because the effects are far mor short-lived.

Something is wrong and I know it. It been too long. I need to stop it affecting me someway or other.

Heartspeaks

As far as I remember, I've never done so much to keep something before.
I've crossed limits, fought obstacles and strained myself to the limit to keep this. I've fought everyone from my friends to my family for this.

Yet all I get at least once a week is pain and swollen eyes. Sometimes I don't know what happened and what changed that caused this massive upheaval. It didn't use to be like that. It used to be much happier and less heartache.
Sometimes i feel shortchanged. Like the relationship I expected and hoped for isn't what it is anymore. It's becoming a diluted version of what used to make me happy and excited each time I knew I could see him after school and all. I know it can't all be his fault, but sometimes it annoyed me how he didn't inform me of all his family commitments and all that earlier, and only try to add them in later after I've started to get used to having our relationship without that much of it.
Yet I know it can't all be his fault because maybe I've become complacent too. Things I knew were once a luxury are now a need, like him spending time with me every weekend. I still remember how he struggled to have more time with me in the beginning of our r/s before he enlisted- now it's as if he's no longer trying as hard. It made me happy that he was trying to spend time with me. Now Its something I feel is becoming a thing of the past.
I don't know what the issue is anymore. Maybe it's all my fault that I've become complacent. That despite all the things I've given up for him- friends( I mean, the were fake friends anyway, right?) and approval from my family( because I've never had a perfect relationship with all my family members to begin with anyway ya?) it's still not enough. I need to push and force myself to give up more, and at the same time pressure myself into accept the present, no matter how much I miss the past. I need to make sure that I'm better than his ex in every possible way.
I don't know if that's enough, but I certainly hope so.
God, please don't forsake me. Not now. I'm praying that this will be a long term thing because I actually hope that it'll work out.

' You're my alpha and omega,
The beginning and the end,
You're behind me, You're before me,
You're forever my friend.
Wherever I go, whatever I do,
Jesus is my source and my goal.'

I haven't heard this hymn in a long time, because the last time I sung it was some 3 years ago when I was in IJ.
But maybe I do need it now. I need it if I want to go on. If I want to keep this up.
Because 'You're behind me, You're before me, You're forever my friend.'