Couple of minutes ago, I was reading an excerpt from Jamaica Kincaid's A Small Place, which are my readings for this week. And midway while scribbling down what I thought of the tone ( mocking and condescending). it suddenly struck me- how little control we have over our lives. Where we go, what we do, what our future holds. It suddenly seems rather ethereal... and to some extent, disturbing.
Why I say this is because, well, this is only the 2nd week and I'm already drained from the whole university culture and workload. I don't see myself going anywhere, I don't see what I'm going to do with a degree in English (well no, maybe I could do a lot of things but that would all depend on how hard I'm going to work.) I don't know how I'm going to survive this mess but I'll have to survive it, somehow. The thought of having 4 years of this is extremely demoralizing right now.
Maybe it's because I'm still adjusting. I hope it's because I'm still adjusting. I remember how I had this exact sentiments when I first started work back then. I remember how I dreaded work and how I absolutely didn't know how I was going to survive the 3 months. But I did, I forced myself to enjoy it, and 3 months flew by quickly. Strange to think about how I look back on this with a fondness I never thought I'd possess when I first started.
I hope Uni will mimic work in this aspect, whereby I eventually grow to love it as much as I did work, although uni will be a much longer duration. Right now, I'm hoping, I'm praying, that everything will work out. That the friends I've made will still be my friends when I don that mortar board and graduation gown in 2017. That I will graduate with the Honours I want. That I get a 4.5 and above GPA. That my research projects, my role as a leader of 10 for my elective and my studies will progress smoothly. The list is endless. And there's only so much control I have other this. Who's to know if my professor will hate me and mark me down? Who's to know if my group will grow to hate me as a leader and make my life difficult? Who's to know... who's to know. I can continue forever.
(I remember when I first began JC1. The friends that I made in JC1 never eventually became my close friends. And I'm fearing that this will happen again. Especially if I have no means of doing something about it. I'm insecure and I'm afraid, but I have no other choice than soldier on. )
In other news, one of my closest and best friends will be enlisting next month. I will miss his presence as an older brother and a confidante to me. A lot. But then again, that, I don't have control over.
Maybe that's why religion exists. Because we, as humans, need a form of respite, a form of escape for the choices we have to make in life. Because we, as humans, feel the need to "blame" (I'm using this for lack of a better term right now) someone else for the things that happen in our life. Because we, as humans, are proud and cannot always accept that we are wrong and that we have to be responsible for the mistakes we make. Sometimes I wonder if religion was therefore mankind's own make- very agnostic thinking, I know- supported sometimes by a lit book I read back in JC; Tess of the D'Ubervilles, where Tess's parents were portrayed as rather immature adults (I'm not going to quote from the book here, this is a blog, not a lit essay) for their devout religious faith. But of course, this is, literally, my form of Random Access Memory, and to someone else this could probably just pass off as a childish little girl talking. I am a Christian afterall, I believe in God and that Jesus came down to earth and died for our sins- but to say this now would probably make me look like a giant irony. I don't know. These are after all, just my thoughts, because sometimes I find that with such little control over our lives, what we can control is actually negligible. There must be God, and there must be Him who is all-seeing and all powerful. And that whatever control we have is considered rather meaningless. But then again, we are, afterall, given the ultimate decision as to whether or not we want to believe in God or not, so how much control we have would be determined by perspective, I suppose.
I'm not quite sure if this whole post is cohesive, but I'll just leave it as it is right now. I don't intend to offend or insult- merely to voice my thoughts aloud. I don't know how this post turned into a purging of my thoughts, because I initially intended for this to be a post about Uni and how my friend would be enlisting. But in any case, I'm confused and worried and rather fearful. Perhaps this mish-mash of thoughts in this post is the result.
Why I say this is because, well, this is only the 2nd week and I'm already drained from the whole university culture and workload. I don't see myself going anywhere, I don't see what I'm going to do with a degree in English (well no, maybe I could do a lot of things but that would all depend on how hard I'm going to work.) I don't know how I'm going to survive this mess but I'll have to survive it, somehow. The thought of having 4 years of this is extremely demoralizing right now.
Maybe it's because I'm still adjusting. I hope it's because I'm still adjusting. I remember how I had this exact sentiments when I first started work back then. I remember how I dreaded work and how I absolutely didn't know how I was going to survive the 3 months. But I did, I forced myself to enjoy it, and 3 months flew by quickly. Strange to think about how I look back on this with a fondness I never thought I'd possess when I first started.
I hope Uni will mimic work in this aspect, whereby I eventually grow to love it as much as I did work, although uni will be a much longer duration. Right now, I'm hoping, I'm praying, that everything will work out. That the friends I've made will still be my friends when I don that mortar board and graduation gown in 2017. That I will graduate with the Honours I want. That I get a 4.5 and above GPA. That my research projects, my role as a leader of 10 for my elective and my studies will progress smoothly. The list is endless. And there's only so much control I have other this. Who's to know if my professor will hate me and mark me down? Who's to know if my group will grow to hate me as a leader and make my life difficult? Who's to know... who's to know. I can continue forever.
(I remember when I first began JC1. The friends that I made in JC1 never eventually became my close friends. And I'm fearing that this will happen again. Especially if I have no means of doing something about it. I'm insecure and I'm afraid, but I have no other choice than soldier on. )
In other news, one of my closest and best friends will be enlisting next month. I will miss his presence as an older brother and a confidante to me. A lot. But then again, that, I don't have control over.
Maybe that's why religion exists. Because we, as humans, need a form of respite, a form of escape for the choices we have to make in life. Because we, as humans, feel the need to "blame" (I'm using this for lack of a better term right now) someone else for the things that happen in our life. Because we, as humans, are proud and cannot always accept that we are wrong and that we have to be responsible for the mistakes we make. Sometimes I wonder if religion was therefore mankind's own make- very agnostic thinking, I know- supported sometimes by a lit book I read back in JC; Tess of the D'Ubervilles, where Tess's parents were portrayed as rather immature adults (I'm not going to quote from the book here, this is a blog, not a lit essay) for their devout religious faith. But of course, this is, literally, my form of Random Access Memory, and to someone else this could probably just pass off as a childish little girl talking. I am a Christian afterall, I believe in God and that Jesus came down to earth and died for our sins- but to say this now would probably make me look like a giant irony. I don't know. These are after all, just my thoughts, because sometimes I find that with such little control over our lives, what we can control is actually negligible. There must be God, and there must be Him who is all-seeing and all powerful. And that whatever control we have is considered rather meaningless. But then again, we are, afterall, given the ultimate decision as to whether or not we want to believe in God or not, so how much control we have would be determined by perspective, I suppose.
I'm not quite sure if this whole post is cohesive, but I'll just leave it as it is right now. I don't intend to offend or insult- merely to voice my thoughts aloud. I don't know how this post turned into a purging of my thoughts, because I initially intended for this to be a post about Uni and how my friend would be enlisting. But in any case, I'm confused and worried and rather fearful. Perhaps this mish-mash of thoughts in this post is the result.
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