Choices.

So, it's the woman's fault for being female. It's the woman's fault for working in a male dominated department. It's the woman's fault that the males must fall for her. The woman must be blamed for having the males fall for her even as she observes complete professionalism.

So much injustice indeed.

It isn't my fault, and I know that well and true. Call me opinionated if you so wish, but it's my form of quiet independence that no one can take from me. I definitely have the right to choose what, and with whom I request favours. I refuse to be shunted into doing something against my will and what I know is right. I have the choice.

But sometimes, my choices are tested. They're tested because I trust too easily, I trust too much, and again and again, I pay the price. My frustration at myself lies in my inability to learn from this betrayal. Friends have back stabbed me, betrayed me, hurt me and yet all I do is to forgive them repeatedly. Maybe I really am a forgiving person, but what if I'm forgiving those people out of pride for having trusted someone whom I shouldn't have? I've been grappling with this problem since time immemorial, but it's only recently that I'm starting to see how see how my independence, my choice and most of all, my trust in others are being tested.

In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have trusted so easily. Maybe I shouldn't have naively believed his words that he'd never use what I told him against me. Right from the start, I should have been wary. I should have done what instincts told me to do. For 2 months , I was tested, and for 2 months, I was hurt. And I did something few other girls would have done - nothing. I let it continue. Because I promised, I couldn't speak of these issues to anyone. I was confused, fearful and uncertain. I didn't know what I said would trigger another tirade of anger. I forgave and I hoped he'd change. Time and again, I'd see some positive change, only for it to regress. I don't even know if it was harassment. It could have been.
And I thought that when I left, things would end. But it didn't and it got worse. Today, I'm still scared and I'm still worried. I have no one to turn to and I can't even breathe a word. Not even to those who care, apart from chu, because I promised. Even when it's suffocating and I long to talk to someone about it. This bottling is killing me slowly.

I've rarely been so stressed, and I rarely feel like breaking down so badly. I wish I could do something, anything, that would resolve this, but because the problem doesn't lie with me, I can't do anything. I could have left, I could have just gone and completely cut ties altogether but I'm not mean enough to do that. Sometimes I feel my determination and ability to withstand all this nonsense is working to my disadvantage. I don't know.

It's not my fault though. And I know this for sure. It's not something I did or said wrong. The issue doesn't lie with me. Tonight was possibly the first time I fought back, and I fought back with a tenacity I never knew I had. I was just so frustrated, so angry, so annoyed with bottling everything up, so tired of putting on a front, so tired of all the petty shouting. Tonight, I think someone saw through my veneer. Tonight, someone saw my frustration. And it isn't my fault. Don't blame me. Don't control me. Don't demand my exclusive attention.
You have no right.
And the choices are mine to make. Even the choice of keeping you as a friend.