I don't know how things turned out this way. I want to clear it out, but I don't know if it's possible anymore seeing as the problem has escalated. I never had such a worry since sec 1, and I never thought I'd have to deal with a problem like the again when I'm older. Bitching behind my back, calling me names that no one else seems to find correct or true - this is a problem I thought primary school children faced. All these issues I have ignored simply, hoping that it would be outgrown in a short span of time, but looks like I've been proven otherwise,as sad as it may sound.

For the first time, I think I finally have to prove we're not ignorant of all the happenings. And that we've never been ignorant of it all. I'm stuck in a ridiculous conflict - being nice, or being extremely cold, and by choosing the former, I thought we'd still be friend.
But it certainly looks like things didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be- friends. In fact it's proven itself quite the opposite.
Whatever it may be, I'm glad to be able to fight it with someone. To be able to talk to someone about it. To know that despite the 3 weeks of break, I'd have someone to look forward to seeing.

It's a nice feeling. And a really happy one at that.

I just wish I didn't have all those problems to deal with, problems that needn't even have been created in the first place. At least I'm not alone in knowing that.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Prelims are over. At long last. But that only means we're that much closer to the A levels... which isn't a very positive note to begin with.

Anyway, I came here not with the intention of whining about how I felt about my prelims, but with the intention of posting something that's been on my mind for a while now:

8 more days. 5 more days with him.

That's barely a week.

After after that, it means 3 whole weeks. The thought isn't very calming, but one thing for sure and that's- it's 3 weeks. Just 3 weeks. In those 3 weeks, there'll be the release of my prelim results and his birthday, the latter of course, hurts more than the former because who wants to spend a birthday in confinement? Which means, I've got only these..5 days left to get my things done, and to get myself prepared for what's probably going to be the greatest absence in whole of my life.

Which leads me on to my next point- I've cleared my entire week to make sure those 5 days are well spent. I'm not intending to go out with anyone (unless it's an emergency) because it's blatantly obvious to anyone that with only 5 days left, I should make use of all the time I have to spend it with him before going out with anyone else. Not within this week. I'm sorry, but it's not a case whereby I 'give up' my friends for him, it's because given the current situation, anyone would have done the same for someone they treasure that much. I'm not even going to bat an eyelid about it. I'm going to be frank. And thank goodness, most of my friends understand my predicament and understand that I'm not trying to give them up for him, because that is never the case and I will always strive to find a balance between my friends and him.

Thanks to all those who understand my feelings guys. Friends like you make life worth living.

Back to subject, this period of time has been the happiest I've ever been for a long time. I couldn't have asked for something better, and I would never have thought I'd be one of those people who'd actually be happy. It's surreal, and it's strange. For a while, I thought happiness was for other people, and that I'd just be one of those who'd have to suck it up to a life I wasn't full happy with. But looks like I was proved otherwise.

So, 5 days or otherwise, I'm going to make sure I spend these 5 days happy. I'm not going to hide my happiness anymore. And at the end of it, hey, it's 3 weeks, and honestly, 3 weeks is nothing in the wider range of events. And on an even greater macro scale, 2 years isn't even substantial.

I'm happy. 

NS related 1

Adapted again from another website on the military.

"I have promised to be here for him upon his return no matter how long he is away. They may say I am insane for making such a commitment, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe. I know well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

There is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it. I hope every day that he will be able to call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where I love you and I’m okay speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I never take any moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, and every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off and start a new day.

If you think being a soldier is tough, try loving one.

If you think soldiers are strong, you should look at their girls."

Okay some parts may sound terribly exaggerated because no one's going to be fighting any war here.   But well, other than some parts which aren't exactly suited to my situation, it pretty much sums up my feelings. 

2 more weeks. 

NS related 2

"If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't know adventure. You don't know smelly green PT uniforms that require a daily washing. You can't understand green and brown camouflaged bags flooding your bedroom floor. 



If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't understand the meaning of the phrase "going outfield" and the weeks you spend away from each other.



If you're not in love with a soldier, you can never imagine the hole in your heart when that phone call comes? "Honey, I am booking in tomorrow. I don't know when if I'll be confined again but I love you, always!"



If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't truly understand how to make every moment count because it will be some time before the next phone call comes again. 



If you're not in love with a soldier, you can never really understand how very delicate life is! "

-Adapted (to suit the Singaporean context) from a website on the military in the US.
Removed certain sections which don't apply because the text was for a soldier who was going to fight a war.

Swear it again by Westlife.

I wanna knowWho ever told you I was letting goThe only joy that I have ever knownGirl, they're lying. 
Just look aroundAnd all of the people that we used to knowHave just given up, they wanna let it goBut we're still trying.

So you should know this love we shareWas never made to dieI'm glad we're on this one way streetJust you and I, just you and I.

I'm never gonna say, "Goodbye"'Coz I never wanna see you cryI swore to you my love would remainAnd I swear it all over againAnd I, I'm never gonna treat you bad'Coz I never wanna see you sadI swore to share your joy and your painAnd I swear it all over again, all over again.

Some people say that"Everything has got it's place in time"Even the day must give way to the nightBut I'm not buying.

'Coz in your eyesI see a love that burns eternallyAnd if you see how beautiful you are to meYou'll know I'm not lying.

Sure there'll be times we wanna say, "Goodbye"But even if we tryThere are something's in this life won't be deniedWon't be denied.

I'm never gonna say, "Goodbye"'Coz I never wanna see you cryI swore to you my love would remainAnd I swear it all over againAnd I, I'm never gonna treat you bad'Coz I never wanna see you sadI swore to share your joy and your painAnd I swear it all over again.

The more I know of youIs the more I know I love youAnd the more that I'm sureI want you forever and ever moreAnd the more that you love meThe more that I knowHo that I'm never gonna let you goGotta let you know that I

I'm never gonna say, "Goodbye"'Coz I never wanna see you cryI swore to you my love would remainAnd I swear it all over againAnd I, I'm never gonna treat you bad'Coz I never wanna see you sadI swore to share your joy and your painAnd I swear it all over again.

All over againAll over again.And I swear it all over again.


1 year. I'm scared. I'm frightened. But then again, who ever told you I was letting go of the only joy that I've ever known? 
I'll be here. 

Spare change.

Today, I decided to do something I usually wouldn't have done.
I decided to look through all the old photos I had on facebook, right back to the time I was sec 2.

Perhaps the older, childish photos I had of myself didn't really affect me, but it was in fact the more recent photos I saw that caused me to wonder how much I've actually changed.

I saw the photos of the time I started my JC life, right back during orientation when everything was still so carefree and so happy. Then the days following that, my new class (for which I somehow bonded really well with, at the beginning. ) And the literal fun, joy and laughter. I'm not even joking here. I was that happy. That... childish. I remember how how I'd excitedly look forward to coming to school and putting on that blue uniform, stepping into class and actually making jokes with friends. I remember how I was so happy when I was assigned my PW group because I thought they were the best members in a group I could ever ask for. I remember math class, where I was busy trying to keep Chu (back then when I barely knew him well other than my math teacher shouting DAVID CHU WAKE UPP!!) awake by sticking pieces of black tape all over him and ripping them off in an attempt to keep his eyes open (they didn't work :P) That was, in short, last year. The first half of last year, to be specific.

I also remember how all of that changed.

It wasn't a sudden change- it was gradual. Somehow, I lost touch with everyone. I became quieter, more weary and as a result lost so many of the friends I tried so hard at the beginning of the year to make. I lost my hyper-ness, my ability to laugh and joke and say stupid things and take the remarks that were tossed at me good-naturedly. In short, I lost quite a lot of both tangible and intagible things- and only a few remained. (On the positive side though, I also gained a fair bit of things from my quietness) Then I realised that hey, I was happier that way. I didn't have to try so hard to be accepted. I was happy- in a quiet way.

Somehow, the photos from last year all reflected that. And some of the photos, well, I couldn't even remember where they were taken or how ( I don't mean by a camera) because right now, looking at them, I can never imagine myself being in that situation again and taking that photo with the same people. It's funny. Funny in a slightly sad way. Like that tiny sensation of sadness that pricks you at the pit of the stomach, before you shrug it off as a stomachache, but you know it's not.

I'm much happier now. I'm happy that I've finally come to terms with exactly who I am (yes, the earlier part of last year was basically because I was still struggling to find my identity and who I was, really.) and I'm happy that I've finally found friends who accept me for the person whom I chose to be. But perhaps there's also that tinge of regret, because you're wondering how you could have been once that hyperactive girl in class who could transit easily between different cliques in the class, and how you could have deceived yourself into thinking that that's the person you actually are, when deep down inside, you know that you're putting on a facade.

People change. Things change. Places, events, situations change. It's sad to watch things change, but at the same time, we can't keep clinging on to the past. We can't keep wishing things never changed because wishing never changed anything. It's easier to accept the change, because sometimes, the change is within our own means. We choose how and when to change. And if it's a concious effort to change for the better, then the present is not only a reality for which we should embrace, but for which we will enjoy embracing, simply because the change is what we want.

Simply because by changing, the present is now better than the past.

I want a hug so badly right now.

Strange. I don't usually pine like this.

How very out of character. 

I cracked. An obscure, one-off incident.

Not a very good start to the Prelims. 

Tick Tock, watch the clock.

Prelims in 2 days.

48 hours.

I don't even know how to begin that I am so mortally scared. I'm on the verge of snapping, yet no one sees it. No one but myself. And the only reason why is probably because everyone else is facing the same problem too. The only reason, and perhaps, strangely, the only source of comfort.

I'm tired. I'm tired of this whole education system. I'm struggling so hard to remain calm in here but each time studies is brought up I'm always just that close to falling apart. I won't, I know. I've been holding myself together for so long that no one realises this, anyway. They move on with their lives (can't blame them, obviously) and at the end of the day, each of us have to go to our graves in our own way, as pessimistic as this sounds.

Maybe I could be PMS-ing. It could be, because I usually don't get so touchy over matters like this. And that. And a whole lot of other matters too that I still remain closed up to others because there's no use in them knowing and because they're not going to understand, anyway. It's petty of me- I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and I'm being childish, immature and stupid. For some matters, there's a pretty simple solution- ignore it too, the next time. Don't need to be so damn eager. I swear Ju, your over-eagerness has already proven to you that it's more of a bane than a boon so just CALM your eagerness down. Be more 'sua'. (Make sure being nonchalent does NOT actually manifest in REAL nonchalence or boom, everything will go downhill) Stop being so randomly angry at things that  aren't meant to get upset over. I don't know why. I don't know how to express it either.

For other matters, there's no choice but to be ignorant. No matter how angry, no matter how upset you may be with the situation at hand, just ignore it. Repress it if you must. Even if it upsets you to the core, there's nothing you can do. NOTHING. Nothing will ever be said, and things will just die a natural death if you let it. Yes, it'll blow up now and again. Yes, things may get worse when the As near because everyone's so stressed (or, it could die down for the very same reason), and yes, your morals and resilience will be tested to their very maximum. Still, since there's nothing I can do and technically everything I could do, I'd pick the former.

The last matter will be, no shit, studies. I'll probably spend nights sitting in front of my notes, tearing my hair out till I look like a bloody cancer patient with chunks of hair all over, crying fervently and wishing you never had to sit your As, and drinking insane amounts of coffee to stay awake and mug your notes. You cannot die out. You cannot burn out. This time, this A levels, is your BIGGEST EXAM EVER. GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD. YOU CANNOT GIVE UP, YOU CANNOT END UP LIKE someone AND FLUNK EVERYTHING. YOUR PARENTS ARE NOT SENDING YOU OVERSEAS like that someone. LOCAL UNI. LOCAL UNI. LOCAL UNI. NOTHING ELSE.
Also, this time you're going to be facing your As alone. ALONE. No one to cheer you up, no one to text you and tell you to sleep early, to not stress out, to keep moving forward. You're alone, and you're going to crying into your bloody pillow alone if you have to, you're going to have to get up alone and get everything done alone, walk into the exam hall and finish that paper alone, walk out of the exam hall and study for the next paper alone, hell, even END the As alone (not that it's anyone's fault) But the fact of the matter is that you're going to be independent, and you're going down into that exam independently, you're going to walk out independently, and you're going to say that you've accomplished everything yourself.

Right so I actually let everything out. I don't know why. Like I said, I'm very touchy these days, I get upset easily over the smallest damn issues, and I ultimately still wish I didn't have to take this damn As and just escape to a resort or something in Hawaii. But that would mean escapism, and while it's a form of relief, it's not a very courageous way to deal with things because running away doesn't solve a damn thing. (like drinking, because after you become sober, your problems still exist.)

I know I'm not dead. I know I still have hope. So the mentality of 'Die on your feet, not on your knees' does not exist (because that only refers to people who, well, intend to make the best of the worse situation they've got).I actually want to come out alive. Alive and triumphant.

I feel like hell, and I can feel myself snapping somewhere deep within the core. ( yes Geog student.)
I can't do anything about it.

Time for work.

It's those random times like these that make me feel that life's actually worth living for once.

It doesn't matter that there's A levels. For once, the stress is gone, and in its place is the irrefutable fact that yes, I am happy. Truly happy.

Something that doesn't happen so very often.

Psychologists have long questioned the idea of happiness and chanted that one must 'live life to the fullest' in order to be happy, yet this proves itself more idealistic than anything else, doesn't it? Today's a rat race, a constant struggle for money, job opportunities and higher rankings in whichever organisation we're with- to the extent whereby we can really question if this is what makes us happy. Materialistic, no? Better still, Singaporean's 5Cs further enhance this materialistic mindset of ours- the supposed 'ideal' state of happiness whereby our lives as Singaporeans are complete. A couple of steps out of line, and we find ourselves facing the endless mount of societial disregard and animosity, ultimately resulting in heavy mental burden and ultimately a lack of happiness for life.

I could go about how society oppresses happiness to the extent that practicality trumps everything else, but I'm not going to go all gp-ish here. (Pardon me, GP exam is this friday). Fact of the matter is, hey, I am happy, and if things carry on as it is, I might have found what I really am happy with. It doesn't need to fulfill the 5Cs of a Singaporean mindset (even though I live in Singapore). Happiness is socially constructed, but that doesn't stop me from searching for happiness outside that of the realm of society.

I think it's something I've already found, actually. Or rather, in a strange, amusing yet interesting manner. What may happen in the future may not necessarily be considered anywhere near the 5Cs, yet who said that they encapsulated the mindset entirely, anyway? Along a continuum, I guess there'll be different degrees of what makes a person happy and how happy it makes a person, but at the end of the day, everyone's going to find happiness in their own way, I guess.

It's a pleasantly nice feeling how you make me happy a lot of the time with as something as simple as your presence. Sitting quietly, placidly amist the equally tranquil scenery- that's what makes me feel on top of the world. Just you being there, and knowing that I'm worth your time. And that's what this entire ramble was supposed to be about, anyway, how yes, something as simple as sitting quietly in the park with the cool breeze can make one feel so peacefully quiet, so peacefully happy.

That's what I live for, something I'll always strive for. Something that I'll always look forward to. It doesn't really matter if we don't fit into the ideal of what Singapore defines as happy (the 5Cs), because even if we did, would that mean true happiness and without it, would it mean we would never be happy?

Most certainly not:)

I'm sick. Fever.

Again, and as always, right before exams. Curse my luck, really.

But thankfully despite the fever at least I'm still up and still mobile. Prelims are in 5 days and I need the time to study.

Study. Hah. That words leaves a bitter aftertaste. Study. How overused can this word be? It's the word every parent uses on their child, to 'whip' them into shape ( I hate that word in inverted commas too, just so you know) and for which all friends use on each other. I'm studying, they say. I want to study, I need to study. Worse still, I need to mug, become a mugger, they say as well. Stupid, and stupid again. Study? Gesture like some raving mad dog about the goodness of studying? That's disgusting. Tell me more about how you need to study, how you've been studying so hard. I give you the polite nod. The knowing smile. Because that's all you deserve really- superficialities. I never did think you were mature/deep enough to understand most complexities, anyway. And studying is just one of them. Fake it. Hide behind a facade. That's what I know you're best at.

As for me, I'm doing what I can. There's no need to nag at me about my study methods, how and when to study. Please. 18 years, of my life, and you think I'm not well accustomed?

So study? What study? I'll do what I can. As always, use that term to mock me, and I'm pretty sure you're in for a hard time.

Lucky

I'm lucky.

Perhaps lucky doesn't even encapsulate all I feel about this, but yes, let's add the premodifier of 'immensely' to that, shall we? I'm immensely lucky.

Linguistic jargon aside, I'm actually living a life I've always wanted right now. If it wasn't for As, all the cramming and my upcoming exams, I'd easily say that this is the happiest time of my life- the ability to do as I wish without fearing that I'd upset the other party, the quiet happiness of all that's happening, and the random times of the day I'd look up and smile at my phone. All that, and perhaps throw it a couple of nature walks, lying on a wide expanse of grass with the gentle caress of the cool wind, the late night talks and the reluctance of pressing the 'end call' button- you get the idea.

Matter of fact is, I'm looking back at the life I've led so far as a series of events, like pages out of a school's annual year book- except that they don't only feature the happy memories. And I'm still writing in the book till this very day. And while I used to fill those earlier pages with melancholic, idle and even depressing memories, I'm realising that I've been filling these pages with idle, happy memories more often- idle no doubt, but happy, soothing memories instead.

It's this ability to fill my past few pages with happy blissful, more cheerful memories that make me reflect and say that I'm lucky. I've never felt this peaceful, never felt this sense of bliss and never felt this sense of calm in the past. Sure, there'd be days of turmoil, but ultimately, hey, I'm happy. I'm peaceful, and I may not show it, but I'm consumed with euphoria over how everything's turning out smoothly.

It's something I've never bargained for, but for which I attained, anyway. And it's this sense of peace, and overall happiness that's keeping me sane, because this is exactly what I've always been searching for- the serenity, dream-like, almost hypnotic state of affairs because I'm finally at peace with everything that's happening. Peace with an overdose of happiness. Never have I ever experienced something like this, and never have I wanted so badly to retain it, hold onto it and keep it always at the forefront of my actions. And at the end of the day, I want to know that I have it, and that I'll keep it, lock it up and never let it go. And perhaps I also attribute my mindset and my ideologies to it, because its due to this that I constantly want to better myself, to make sure I don't act irrationally or act stupidly, because no one else can change the way I look at things, and neither can they coerce me into changing. Only I can, and I will do the necessary.

Because this is what I live for. This is my goal, my motivation, and my starting.

This is my treasure, and I've found it, and I will 'defend to the death' (Voltaire) this treasure.

And this, is why I say I'm lucky. 

The interrogative.

Is it me or do I just feel so... incompetent?
Like I'm never as good as her?
Maybe it's just an aesthetic thing- Insecure times I wished I looked better.
Then again, I know it's just plain stupid. Why am I even comparing myself to someone who doesn't even know me( and for whom will never know me because such conflicts cause me to wonder if I'll ever even want to know her seeing as I may not even be a true, good friend etc, but let's not go there) and pure envious of her, especially since I've already been reassured otherwise?

Maybe it's because I know I have very high expectations of who I consider aesthetically fit. And it's because of this that I feel that she's a threat-physically, I mean. Not that anything is ever going to happen(obviously). I hate to revisit the past- I'm immensely angry because I just can't help it- but something... something draws me into to doing things that I know will make me feel horrible. I'm somewhat masochistic, am I not? It hurts me to badly, I DON'T WANT TO REVISIT THE PAST, yet I'm drawn into it perhaps not because I just want to hurt myself but just because I need to convince myself that I'm not some messed up, crazed person with undoubted insecurities and I have no reason to be insecure about myself in the 1st place?

I don't know. Honestly. I've never felt like this in the past, having to continually justify that I'm supposedly better of ( how damn narcissistic of me, really.) Then again, to be continually insecure about something like this really paints me as an extremely superficial person, no?

I don't doubt the reassurance. In fact, it's actually very comforting to know that and hear it from the person himself. It's just these weird feelings that I get, that crop up every now and again. And well, as I'm typing this, the feeling's already dissipating. How very odd of me, really.

"Trust me. Someday, you'll see that it's all worth it."

I'm tired. Yes I'll admit that for once.

Prelims are coming soon. This will be the most major exam I'll be sitting for in my entire 2 years of JC. And to make this entire journey ( one hell of a journey though I must say) worth it, I've only got that much time. 

I don't even know what you're doing sometimes Ju.

Teachers are literally breathing down your neck, chasing you for extra lessons and tutorials because you're just that incompetent. I don't know. Some nights I just lie awake and think, what the hell am I doing in this JC? I'm not cut out for this. Some nights I lie in bed, almost crying and feeling all too strongly that I should just let myself spiral downwards. Then I force myself to snap out of it because there's absolutely no use thinking such thoughts now. I don't have a choice. Push on.

That's exactly what Chu told me the other day, in fact. "Don't think such things now. You think of it now, you're going to fail your As. Don't even think that there's a second option- not poly, not revisiting CJ as a 3rd year student, and most certainly not drop out. There's no time for this. "

And yeah, he's right. What's left of the time isn't a lot, and I most certainly don't have time to waste on trivial matters. Studies come first, no matter what. And ultimately, since you've wasted so much sweat, blood and tears ( literally in all 3 scenarios) on JC, why not give it your best shot? Nothing to lose, everything to gain. 

Cmon Ju. You'll only be defeated if you let yourself be defeated.

And you know what's the best thing this time round? The fact that no matter how much you feel like giving up, someone's always going to be there for you. At least, that's my motivation.