They say, don't ever compare to the past, instead, look ahead, because that's where your future lies.
I say, if you don't look back at the past, how would you know what changes to make to the future such that the future becomes better? Or perhaps, how would you know you're better off now?

I've written about it before, but I can't help thinking that the huge irony my whole life has been thus far hasn't been a waste. It was a good learning experience back then, and yes, I'll admit that I had fun while learning it. And that had I not learnt it, perhaps I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Simply put, it took me long enough to find the correct person, the one person who's interconnected with my past just sufficient for me to see how different 2 friends may be.
I used to think he was like Nic, but my perspectives have changed so drastically over these 2 years.

As this year comes to an end, all I can say is, thanks for the memories. And thanks to all those who've made an impact in some way or other, especially to those who were in my life for just that short period of time to let me learn something about myself.

Either way, I'm ending this year on a good note, and a happier one at that. Let's hope it stays this way for as possible.

I actually do believe that a relationship needs space to grow.
So its perfect to lead a life outside your relationship.
I've always believed that.
And I've always strives to maintain a good balance between a relationship and my outside life.
I guess there's no need to tell me that I need to maintain the relationship by having a good balance.
Because I already have it, and I already believe in it-more than others, sometimes.
Sorry for sounding terribly annoyed, but yeah, I hate it when others try to tell me, or to teach me something I obviously already know.
Hopefully you know and believe that too, actually.

Note: I'm glad to be the first person you've loved, anyhow.

The most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen before.
Ventura Beach, USA, facing the Pacific ocean.
2 weeks in US passed by far too quickly. I still miss that place more than anything else.
But I guess there's no time to visit any of this again
Hopefully after Uni I'll have months to travel around the world with my uni friends :) the 'grand tour.

On another happier note, I got possibly the best Christmas gift ever from my cousin. My very own ukulele! :)

Frustration sets in when one cannot reconcile jealousy/envy and pride for another.
That's me in a nutshell, sometimes. No, make that most of the time.
If I were to select the one greatest sin of mine it'd be jealousy.
Especially towards you. I don't understand myself sometimes, but I'm proud of you when you do something great, achieve something, or when others comment that you're intelligent.

I'm proud of you when you know how to read famous novels and classics, yet I'm envious(?) for being unable to have that same love you have, that love that makes you seem oh-sooooo-smart to others. I don't know, but it seems, and I mean seems, that you genuinely enjoy classics and those of that particular genre that make you seem erudite. Because that's something I'm not sure I can feel. Maybe I'm just reading those classics and all because I want to feel on par with you. Maybe it's because I want to be on par with the rest- I don't know. Because if you feel this innate genuine love for such things, well, I'm quite different from you- and glad to be.

I'm envious when others say you're inwardly smart, but at the same time, I'm proud to be with someone who's well thought of. I speak well of you when people praise you, and inwardly there's this sense of subtle pride, yet I can't help wondering if others thought the same, if others think I'm smart/clever enough for you. (but as you like to put it, it's vice versa, but I don't think so)

I'm Nakata. Except that I didn't suffer an unknown incident and neither can I talk to cats. Or am I? I don't even know myself.
This is tiring.

Here's a little warning to whoever is reading this. Don't read this unless you want your mood ruined. I don't usually post vulgarities, but this time- I can't help it. Sorry.

to begin, I don't usually post these kind of things, and I don't want to defame anyone, but seriously, just let me get this off my back.

I don't know how you put up with this, but it's been more than 18 years. 18 bloody years. I'm only saying 18 years because it's the number of years I've been living in this... place. This house. And this isn't about me. It's about you. You deserve a medal for putting up with such nonsense for years. The first time I saw it, I thought, if I ever dated a guy like that, I'd drop him quicker than I'd drop a sack of hot cakes.

Now I'm used to all that crap. You don't deserve this at all. You don't deserve to have someone bully the fuck out of you as and when he feels like it. It's driven you up the wall- I can see that- and I don't understand why you put up with all that fucking nonsense. It's not your duty, and it's NOT your job to take all that in. Yes, I was once in an abusive relationship so I know how hard it is to give up but sometimes things just don't work out. Then again, like I said, it's already been ongoing for years and years, and this isn't some teenage romance we're talking about. So I guess that's as far as my advice can go then. I can't say more.

He's gone too far, and he's pushed the line far too many times. I would have said just leave, JUST LEAVE, but I know you won't because of me. If only I had a sibling maybe things would have been easier for you. Just a little easier. I hate to see you like this, treated like this, spoken to in this manner. You deserve respect, and you're not getting it.

The day I get married, I'm taking you with me. I want you to live to see the day I walk down the aisle. I want to take you away from this shithole so that you'll get the respect you deserve. Maybe you'll feel better then.
Fuck him. 

I reread some of our old conversations today on MSN. Back when we were still friends in math class and when you started having a thing for me.

Tonight, for some reason, I reread some of our old conversations we had on MSN. Back then when we were still friends in Math Class and when you started having a thing for me. I read about how you'd skip Scouts for her, wait till 10pm at night just to see her, how she used to make you feel so happy by just being there for you, how you took 6 months to get over her, how miserable you were without her. And that old jealous feeling crops up again. Would you do the same for me? I know it's effed up to be thinking about this, but I can't help but think how you'd react if I were to someday (note I said WERE) leave you. I think about whether or not you'll be sad, whether or not you'll cry if I left you. Whether your reaction will be more adverse, seeing as I mean more to you, and how much more averse. Because I don't want you to have the same reaction as you did with her.

Then I remember.

Skip Scouts? I know you'd do the same. In fact you've already done that. But I don't want you to skip Scouts for me, because I want you to enjoy that part of your life too. But it's sweet that you did, and honestly? I appreciate it.

Cry if I left? I probably wouldn't even have to go that far. You already did when you couldn't see me for 2 weeks. What more if I left?

Wait till 10pm for me ( at the expense of your studies back then)? Yeah, I know you would. Not that there's an opportunity to do so now, seeing as you're in NS, but I know you would had there been an opportunity, anyway. Probably more than a couple of hours, even. Maybe days. Or even years, just to see me.

You once told me you'd even die for me. That's something new to me. No one's bothered to care for me to such a great extent before, and it's touching. How I'm naturally just your type, how you can be natural and all around me instead of putting on a show like you used to, how I'm naturally good with all animal , how I'm the only one who loves the outdoors and can put up with the hectic army life...Yeah.

I'm probably sounding like a jealous lover or something, but I'm probably just pms-ing. Plus jet lag's causing me to lose sleep too. Yes, sometimes I get insecure. Then I look back and I remember that there's nothing to be insecure about. Sometimes doing these things is good because it keeps me in check, and makes sure I don't become complacent.

I'm better, I know that. I know.

Star-Spangled Banner

So I'm back from the US. Touched down at 4am this morning.
It's hot, humid, sticky and rainy, but one thing I know- it's safe.
The past 2 weeks I've been in the US have been great, because, as a tourist, you always get to see the glittery, glamorous side of the country. But while I've been there a couple of incidents occurred as well, which made me realise that things aren't so always as shiny as they first appear to be.

First there was a shooting event that occurred in Las Vegas while I was there, and another one in our hotel (according to our tour guide, that is). Then shortly after, there was the major Connecticut shooting event. My condolences go out to all the children who lost their lives at a tender age of 6 and 7, as well as the adults who were killed as well. And yes, I know that Connecticut is in the Eastern side of USA but being in US itself made me realise that a country that's liberal has it's disadvantages as well. On my part I was disturbed at how close I had been to a shooting event and how real it seemed to me back then, because that's not something you'd regularly fear living in Singapore.

On a more positive note, the last 2 weeks have been nothing short of amazing. I guess it's the usual sort of feeling you get when travelling- the constant rush of excitement. There's San Francisco, and getting to see the world's most crooked street (Lombard Street), Fisherman's Wharf, where we took a cruise and saw the famous Golden Gate Bridge and the maximum security prison Alcatraz, Then we headed down to Las Vegas aka Sin City where the whole culture and atmosphere changed, especially along Fremont Street, where loud music, strip clubs ( I saw one named Precious Sluts) and alcohol were abundant and it was certainly an experience- Not forgetting the numerous casinos that rule LV too ( I was eating at this Mexican Grill named Baja Fresh and watching as people tried their luck on Jackpot machines, the Blackjack and the Poker tables) as well.

We left Nevada for a while and headed to Arizona for the Grand Canyon (I personally say it's the highlight of the entire trip), where I got to ride a helicopter, row a boat down the river and climb over all those limestone and sandstone landforms with Alethea, a friend I made on the trip. I can still recall the salty scent of the river water, the cold breeze that blew, lunch cooked by the natives.. It was a good experience. Our last stop was Los Angeles and Hollywood, which always had famous stars ( I hoped to see Ellen, but yeah, luck's never that good for me, huh). Then there was Beverly Hills which sold high end branded products for the rich, as well as Disneyland, California Adventure Park and Universal Studios which also bring fond memories. I cannot for my life understand how I had the guts to ride Space Mountain, ( well Alethea and this little girl named Valerie dragged me to sit it with them) and all the other rides for which I would usually be afraid of. I don't like rollercoasters, but I guess you could say that Space Mountain, as well as the dizziness and loss of appetite that came with it was an experience as well.

Other than that,, there was shopping. Loads and loads of it, especially of brands such as Kate Spade, Coach, etc. I didn't buy any high end products, because I was looking forward to the factory outlets having middle range products instead, and there were few, sadly. (Although I did pick up a couple of things from Nautica, Levi's, Calvin Klein and Nike)

I guess that pretty much sums up the entire 2 weeks. I could go on and on about the experiences I gained, but no one's going to bother reading it, so here's a summarised version. I miss the food, however fattening, the climate, the people ( American people are usually polite) and all the friends I've made. Then again, one thing I can put behind is the unstable wifi, for which caused me to only call back twice to Chu and whatsapp on a couple of days. I miss everything, both the good and the bad, but as always, all things (both good And bad) must come to an end. And I miss Chu the most of all. He's the reason why, despite missing America so badly, I still look forward to coming back to Singapore.

On a final note, I heard my parents are planning the next trip already. To Alaska, this time, possibly. We'll see.

Leaving for US tomorrow morning.
I'm leaving with mixed feelings, really. I know I'll have a good time. US is the one place I've always wanted to go since.. time immemorial? Yeah. I wanted it, and now I've got it. Plus a stopover in Seoul means that I kind of get to see Korea as well. Then there's San Jose, Ventura Beach, Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon, Disneyland and Universal Studios (again). I'm thankful for all these, really, because I know it's a luxury and a privilege to be able to travel.

And I would usually be extremely excited if not for just one thing.

Chu.

I've probably mentioned this already, but I miss that boy. (I'm sorry, it's going to be a little mushy from here on down. ) I hate the fact that I'm leaving on a Friday, which means that just as he books out on Saturday, I'll be up in the air and heading west. That also means a 16 hour flight and a 16 hour time difference. And with Chu being in NS, well, the likelihood of us being able to call is close to almost none. Plus the charges are crazy, which means I'm not going to hear his voice for 2 weeks, or 3 weekends. Midway through my trip he'll be leaving for Tekong as well for his field camp, which means that that's absolutely no contact. It saddens me, somehow, because I miss the fact that I'll be able to hear his voice each night as I get ready for bed.

Despite all this, I know we'll survive. We survived confinement, and we'll survive this. If our relationship is meant to be, we'll survive it, somehow, because if it doesn't even survive this, then well, I guess we weren't meant to be together in the first place. Negative thoughts aside, if both parties put their effort into it, then it'll work out, despite the absences. And effort wise, I know both of us put in our very best, so there's no reason to worry. I don't want it to be a case of just ' oh, if God doesn't think we'll make it, then sua, whatever', but more a case of 'I'll put in my effort and he will too so that God sees we're worthwhile.'

And for you, well, I'm just going to say, take care, and I'll see you again soon. Survive Tekong, and come out stronger (mentally) such that we'll know that we can weather any other obstacle in the future. I miss you already, but its just another 17 days, and we'll be okay::) Love you:)

For the first time, he looked at her, and not through her. The sight shocked him; how little did he know about the girl he once held in his arms, the girl whom he knew so well he could recite off her favourite songs by heart. She looked plain now, her face almost aged, her eyes speaking the words she no longer could voice.

"I'm alright," she said, her voice broke with emotion, and attempted to smile, and as she did the pink beanie she wore slipped slightly off to the left. He watched as her face creased with the force of each facial muscle, her smile wane and painful, and into each crease was tucked a tear, a worry, a fragment of her past she no longer wished to revisit. He watched as she reached under the sheets and held up a small stuffed bear, before clasping it tightly in her arms and against her chest. "At least he's been keeping me company," she whispered. Then he remembered that she loved stuffed toys.

In desperation he bade her farewell and exited the room he first entered with anticipating anxiety. He was alone now- the door had been closed behind him and he could see her no more. He hadn't realised how sick she had been, neither had he realised how much he had been caught up with his work to even notice that she had been suffering from cancer for a long time. In what could perhaps be described as a mixture of pain and pure guilt, he made his way to the toyshop a couple of buildings from the hospital and stood looking through the glass window at the rows and rows of TY toys he knew, or at least he last remembered he knew, she loved. He couldn't remember if she preferred the large furry giraffe or the small stuffed horse and yet he remembered she had told him before- they had been to this very same toyshop. In frustration he bought both, then impulsively picked out 6 other stuffed animals before realising he was out of credit. He paid for the remaining in cash, headed out of the store and ran to the hospital before he could think twice about spending his entire pay for the week.

He stood outside her room steadying his breath, then pushed open the door. She wasn't there- they must have taken her away for yet another round of those endless tests. She wouldn't be back for a while, he knew, and began arranging the newly bought stuffed animals at the foot and head of her bed; how garish they looked against the crumpled white sheets. Then he stood back and looked at the arrangement, before taking a small sheet of paper from her bedside table and scribbling,' Love.' Love who, he did not state. All he wanted was for her to feel loved, in some way or another, then he felt his phone buzz into life against his thigh.
" I'm sorry I wasn't always here," he murmured, before opening the door and leaving the room. He had to return to work- he knew that the buzz could be from no one other than his colleague. Yet something, perhaps the most crucial thing he had not realised was that nothing, not even her favourite stuffed animals, could be his substitute.

It's been.

It's been 11 weeks since he enlisted. That's almost 3 months.
I can't actually believe that it's already so fast, but indeed, time flies. Whether we're having "fun", fun or no fun at all, time passes, anyway. It's really kind of strange. It's something us humans have imposed, but yet we have no control over. The one things created by humans which we cannot destroy at will, if at all.

It's been 6 months since the first time we got together. And it's hitting the 7th month soon.
I remember how we met, I remember how he awkwardly blurted out a confession on the phone, and I remember how everything just fell into place so nicely, after his wasted time in his previous relationship and all his delusions. I guess that the best way I can describe this feeling is simply- relaxed. There's no pressure in this relationship at all ( pardon how wrong it sounds, yes), and any form of pressure is only that of time whereby we resolve things quickly before it escalates. And that's what I love most. How we know that despite our arguments, hellish schedule and strained moments, we know that it's out of love, cliche as it sounds. I'm glad things are working out for now.

It's been 4 weeks since I began my A levels. That's a month.
A whole month of tension, pain, stress and tears, with one more paper to go on Thursday and it'll be over. But no one's kidding when they said that the A levels are the HARDEST paper in Singapore, yes, even surpassing the uni tests that will probably wreck more havoc into my life ( assuming I get into the Uni, that is.) The papers passed in a blur, and to some extent I can't believe that my JC life is over. JC taught me so many things beyond the book; the most important one the lesson on growing up. JC forced me to see reality.

It'll be exactly 6 days till we go public.
I'm nervous, yet I'm excited. But then again, I'll never see these people who are going to judge me again. Plus, I'm happy. I'm happy to be with him, and I'm proud to have him as mine. Whatever the judgement for both him and I, I'm prepared for it.

It'll be 1 week to prom. That's the last day I'll ever see CJ as a quasi-whole again.
Half the school is going. Some of my good friends aren't even going because of their own reasons.
Nevertheless, I think it'll be something I look forward to. At least, I hope to look forward to. He won't be there, because he'll be stuck in camp, and despite that I know that prom marks the last time we'll see our acquaintances. Talk to them perhaps, to say a cordial goodbye and thank-you-for-being-my-classmate-for-the-past-two-years.

It'll be 1 week till I leave for USA.
That's the first time I'll be heading out west. I can't wait, literally. I'm so excited, for once, because I've been going to China for the past... 5 consecutive times? I'm not the Hollywood sort, but a change of scenery is nice. That, plus I haven't spoken Chinese for the past 1 year.( I'm suffering from a language death right here. ) But yes, I cannot wait. I can't wait to see the Colorado River I've been studying about for 2 years materialise, I cannot wait to test my own guts by walking on a glass bridge over the Grand Canyon and risk my life in the process, I cannot wait to see something other than the numerous temples for 5 years. It does get boring, after a while of seeing the same thing repeatedly. I guess the only thing I'm sad about is the fact that he won't be there to see me off. I remember when he sent me off to Changsha back in 2011 with a couple of friends- and this year, when he means so much more to me than just friends, he won't be there. He'll be outfield, and midway while I'm overseas, he'll be in field camp. And that means when I return from my trip he won't be there to welcome me back. I'll miss that, but I'll survive, I guess. 4 days after his field camp- that, I can't wait.

It'll be 4 months before my A level results are released again.
That thought is terrifying. Knowing that I already messed up my human geog paper BADLY, I fear for my results.I might fail Geog at this rate, and I might end up with straight Es and Ss, which will get me absolutely nowhere. Or I might get the reverse and get Cs, Bs and hopefully, an A here or there.
Most of my papers are over, anyway. Time to leave things to God and let Him decide what my next course in life shall be.

It'll been a while. It'll be a while.

I messed up Geog today. 

And yes I feel like hell. 

But what can I do? I can't cry (literally) over spilt milk(figuratively)

1 more paper. 

Make this last paper worthwhile Ju. 

Don't waste it. 

(well, at least if it's any consolation, this was the first BAD paper I've had so far. All the rest were pretty alright. )

2 more papers.

I can do this.
I can do this.
Don't burn out.
Don't burn out.

Even if the rest of your clique is ending this friday and you end next thursday, don't let your mind wander.

Focus.
Focus.
Focus.

You need this chance Ju. No heading to the poly, no heading to the private unis.

Everyone's telling you that you've got potential. Chu's been pushing you forward, despite his BMT. Your teachers believe in you. Your teachers tell you to stop putting so much pressure on yourself because you have potential. Friends you've not spoken to for some time tell you that you've got potential. Andre, Melina and the rest of them.

You can't let them down. Not now. Not ever.

Gasping for air, barely even breathing.
No I'm not asthmatic, but I think I might as well be.
I'm cracking from the bloody strain of the As. I'm admitting it, and so far in all my life I have never posted 4 times in the same day. Something must be nagging at my mind- and no it's not just PMS.

I fell asleep on my geog notes just now and had a really odd dream about cats. I dreamt that I was walking home with a good friend of mine when all of a sudden I was surrounded by cats. I remember I was pointing out this fat fluffy white one to my friend telling her that the cat's name was Olivet (that came from the cat that lives near Chu's house) when all of a sudden the cats stopped moving and I couldn't move as well. I just froze there, with my friend calling out to me and shaking me but I couldn't move, couldn't speak. The last thing I recall was falling down with Olivet in my arms, into this bottomless pit. Then I woke up.

It wasn't so much that the cats scared me. (well obviously), it was the thought of not being able to move or say anything when I most desired so. To explain myself, to scream, yell and call out to the other person to save me from falling; and yet, I couldn't. I was just stuck there, doomed to fall.

I'm in a terribly melancholic mood today ( productivity has, as a result, gone to hell) and I think it's a combination of being lonely, PMSey and stressed at one shot. I don't know. Whatever it is, he's coming over tomorrow.
At least that's something that'll hopefully cheer me up. 

Seedling

I don't know what made me write this post, maybe it's because I'm plain frustrated with everything that's going on around me now, which is what led to this sudden unexpected spammage here. Plus the fact that I'm already out of CJ, I think it's perfectly fine to make things clear. 

I remember that I used to love CJ back before all the problems started. I remember when I used to be part of the 'popular' clique in CJ, because that's when I was at my most carefree, believing that everyone was nice and understanding. Then the nonsense started with Nic- because back then while I was still innocent, he took advantage of the fact that I was innocent enough to believe the words of others without much questioning then. I was pretty dumb, I have to admit, and even while he mentally tortured me, I kept silent, thinking that that was merely part of a healthy relationship. 

I learnt the art of being watchful from that failed relationship, and while I had matured a bit, I hadn't grown fully. In the time lag between Nic and the next relationship, D, there were 3 others who tried their best to being my 'listening ear', ( to which afterward I found out they were merely trying to 'jio' me) I turned them down, because I wasn't ready. I knew it, and I didn't want to hurt them, neither did I want to put myself through further problems. I got over Nic, escaped to Cambridge some time after turning them down, and that's when I let my guard down- I met D. 

D initially didn't seem like the kind of guy who'd take advantage of me, because he seemed genuinely concerned for my welfare, or so I thought. My naivety took over me again, and I thought that since this guy seemed genuine in his thoughts and words, I believed his words that he would 'never hurt me'. Something should have caught my attention back then because I'd barely known him( I was still fairly dumb) but for some reason unfathomable to me even now, I didn't. I didn't see the warning signs, and didn't even think there was anything wrong when he started shouting at me with a frequency that intensified throughout our relationship. I thought that was normal, because immediately after a shouting match he'd come over and apologise, beg for mercy, and act sweet until something trivial annoyed him(like me not saying hi to him as I ran past his classroom because I was late for another lesson of mine, and the span between one shouting match and the next could be anything between 3 days and 10 mins) Throughout the relationship, I didn't want to raise any problems within our relationship because I feared that I would annoy him and raise hell. I merely complied, went along with whatever he wanted me to do, even if I felt it was wrong of me. The times I stood up ( and thank goodness I did, because he asked me to do things for him which I felt was not appropriate) against him often resulted in greater bouts of shouting. Upon reflection now, I'd say that my reputation in CJ was ruined because I merely went along with him and whatever he said- I was that disillusioned.

( I also realised from this that the people within CJ sometimes have too much time on their hands, and spread untruths about individuals in the school. To this, I merely say, you can spread whatever you want about me, but I know that I have a clear conscience. I've done nothing that I will feel ashamed of. That's all I need. )

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate CJ. I like the place and the friends ( the true ones I mean who stick with me) are some of the best friends that I have made and will make in my entire lifetime. But sometimes I feel that it's got far too much high-school drama, if you know what I mean. 

Back to topic, immediately after I ended the relationship (with the help of all my friends because honestly, I couldn't have done it on my own), I'd say that my singlehood after that was one of the best periods of my life. I depended on no one, and for once, I've lived by myself, something that I've always wanted. I wasn't ready to get into another relationship for a while and I knew it. Months later, one of the friends who helped me get over my breakup with D confessed to me. I was completely over D back then, but I wasn't sure if I was ready for another relationship because this guy was my best friend for 2 years ever since I began JC. We waited, while both of us thought through this carefully and in the end, we did get together. 

For the first time, I'm actually in a proper relationship for once. One that doesn't abuse me, and neither does he take advantage of me. For once, I can say I can trust knowing completely that he will not misuse this trust. For once, I can actually say that I know what being in love really is- when being with someone makes us want to better ourselves for them, when you want only the best for them and when you know you will never dream of hurting (physically and mentally I mean, because I got hurt both physically and mentally) them. 

As for CJ, well, it honestly doesn't matter what they think of me anymore. I know my intentions well enough that I actually know what I'm doing for once. I'm happy, and I'm not hurting him neither is he hurting me. As for CJ as a whole, I'd say thank you, because it's been marginally nice knowing you, but to my closest friends in CJ- Viola, Sindie, Xiang, Tate, Sarah (10 years babe :D), Yumi, Jom, Chu, Melvin, Zac, and many more, thanks for always being there for me. You've made my life bearable.

I think I need to stop looking at your old blog posts. For some reason, I'm continously attracted to it, reading about how painful you were last time, and how much you've become better. I don't even know why I'm mentally torturing myself like this, because each time I read your old blog posts I'm struck with this uncanny sense of melancholia which nothing( save for studies) ever do inflict upon me these days.
Maybe it's because I'm so happy with you I keep wanting to look at your past and think, hey, she would never have made you that happy, not even that tiny little bit. She never loved you, she never cared, and I'd go so far as stating that she probably cannot even be considered a good, let alone best friend, of yours- and 'perfect' relationship? It had more holes in it than swiss cheese.
Maybe the reason why I keep looking back at it is because I remember how you were back then, back when I first met you. And in my mind I'm thinking, wow so much for pining for her, she's not fit to be your friend.
Maybe it's because I wonder what your reaction would be like. If she meant so much to you and I mean a thousand times more, I wonder if you'd cry if I left you like you did back then. I wonder if you'd crumple up and feel horrible for a period of time like you did back then. Because I know I would. , way more than whatever you've done. I don't even know what I'd do without you, that's why I want to know if you'd do the same. How nowadays, I can't seem to cheer you up, even during a long day outfield, when she could make you happy by just being with you after a campfire which you didn't even sleep for days planning for it. I know this sounds terribly, horribly mean because just by doing all those things, she broke you down and hurt you. Something I'll never want to do. But I don't know how to reconcile the fact that I want to know, and the fact that I sound like one of those bitchy demanding bimbos.
 I have a low self esteem, I know, it's blatantly obvious. But that, I'm still trying to work on, desperately.

You tell me not to speak to N, because the likelihood is that he's still trying to get me back despite me being attached and your reason for doing is because you know N well enough to know that he's this sort of person. Well, unfamiliarity also breeds uncertainty, so how about me saying that I don't like you talking to her because she butchered you up emotionally as well? Precisely because I don't know her well, I wouldn't know if she's trying to get you back or not, would I? Even if you resist, I don't like the idea of her trying. I'd never know if she has ulterior motives, seeing as she once did in the past.
At the end of the day, this blog post would not make sense to anyone else but you. It's meant to be 'coded', in some weird way or another. It's also your choice if you choose to remain friends, because that, I can't stop you, just as you always like to say it.
I'm damn narcisstic, I know, but losing that relationship with that girl is probably the next best thing that happened to you, after getting me. Heheh.

I'm sorry for the lengthiness of this post. It could be the A level stress acting me up like that. I don't know.

This is going to be such a bitchy post. You've been warned.
I'm terribly Pmsey. I hate how my mood totally flips during this period of time (pun intended) and how my emotions fluctuate worse than... 2 men of different weights rapidly stepping on and off a weighing machine.
Met him today, and honestly, it didn't help that both of us were bitchy and moody at the same time (we're gonna have to live with this more often) yes he has BMT, but I'm having As, and they're not kidding when they say it's the HARDEST paper in Singapore. Even worst than uni.
Whatever it is, I'm going through every single emotion that ladies out there feel during their pmsey stage. Every. Single. One. It sucks like hell.
Urgh.

GP, Lit P1 and Math are finally over.
I've got a pretty bad feeling about the papers I've taken so far, actually. GP was fairly alright, but Lit P1 was definitely not my best attempt yet. I'm hoping for an A, although I'm crossing my fingers for that one- maybe a B would be more reasonable. I'm not sure if I even analysed the essay to be the best of my ability- though I must commend the lit department of CJ for hitting the nail as far as spotting passages were concerned. Then again, there's still P5, which I'm hoping will give me that much-envisioned A.
Math... I'd laugh if this is what eventually gives me an A, because the paper was manageable- too manageable that everyone found it easy too. Which means the bell curve might not lean in my favour- thus causing me to get a B as well.

B,B,B so far.

Next few papers are going to be the worst papers with all my H2s crammed together.
ELL and Geog, let's do this. 

Walk.

I think I made a right decision today. Today, I choose to forgive her for all the things she did to him in the past. All the short-changing of feelings, all the hurt, the embarrassment, the pain she made him waste on her, and the time wasted.

I'm not going to hold it against her anymore. I will force myself to make sure that she no longer crosses my mind, and that even if she did, it would not be ill thoughts. It will be hard, but I will try, nevertheless. Because what's happened in the past is the past, and there's no use revisiting the past if we want to write a new chapter. All this time, I've been struggling so hard to put her dishonourable deeds out of my mind, because I thought I'd never be able to forgive her for all that she's done. Because of her, I used to think, he became sad, sullen and moody. But I also realised that it's pretty much useless blaming her for what she had done right now as he's not longer the same, depressed person I first knew back in J1. Today, he's a happy, outgoing and spirited person- notwithstanding army, of course, which would kill anyone's mood anyway- and that's something I'm going to make sure he remains.

I will move on, and put her in the past, never to revisit her again because I will do my best to clear myself of all hard feelings for her, seeing as he has already done so himself and acknowledged that his relationship with her was a 'fiasco'. Speaking of moving on, I've finally allowed to let myself move on from my own past- my own disappointment, pain and worry- and never let that hinder my relationship with him again.

I'm not Tess, and unlike her, I do not, and will not let any form of guilt consume and hamper my progress, because the one thing I'm most certain about is this- I have a clear conscience, and my morals are intact. Mistakes are made by everyone- this I've learnt- and in the larger scale of things, life doesn't stop for anyone, and there's still a route to march, a life to lead. Whether or not I take the path less travelled in the future, it's still a path, however rocky it may be.

Let's do this.

Because.

I know that when stealth mode goes off, people will judge. Both him and me, for our actions, and for our past. I know one thing- that I have a clean conscience. It doesn't matter what the public say, because they never know the full story. He does, and so does my conscience. It's enough.

People will bring up my past, in an attempt to compare me against her. I know for one thing, because he's assured me over and over again, that I'm better than her. A thousand times. Because his 'fiasco' (I'm quoting his words) with her was never true. It was never love. And people will bring up his past. And I'm ready for it. Haters or otherwise, I'm ready for it. 

I'm happy with my life. I've made mistakes, just like him, and just like everyone else. Just like her. But the thing about these mistakes is that I've learnt from them, and forced myself to grow to become a better person. I was innocent once, and then the real world opened itself up to me. Its terrors and all it's menace. I've seen them, and once this stealth mode goes off, I can only say, Bring It On. Because I'm ready to receive what's left of any harsh judgement. 

At the end of the day, I know I did the right thing. It may not have been what I wanted, but I do know one thing for sure- I'm happy, because I left with my morals intact. It's a sad thing when people out there lack the common sense and the moral judgement to do the right thing- even after they've proclaim that they've grown up and know how to do these things then. It's just one of life's ironies.

I just hope that others out there know what's morals when they see it too. Hopefully so.