Spare change

It had started off well, she recalled. Back then when the anticipation of a phone call from him caused a shiver of heated excitement to streak down her spine. She remembered how she sat by the phone, gripping it with increasing intensity as she stared at the clock. Anytime now, she recalled, as the second hand inched its way across the minute surface of the number '10' on her watch. Then her phone trilled into life within her palm, its screen winking his name through the thin glass.

She remembered having animated conversations with him, her eyes creasing at the corners with mirth as he spoke. It was entertainment to speak with him, to have him soaring joy into her life like an escaped lark. And each time he did that he caused a love, then still vehemently ignored, but decreasingly so, to leap like sparks, where she could one day deny it no more.

Then somehow things changed. She sat, hunched up, muffling her sobs against the back of her hand as she listened, still gripping the phone with the same intensity as she always did. But her words were different this time. They were harsh, and the reply she received was no less savage.

"Stop crying! I have only 40 minutes left- do you want to listen or not?"

She never heard him say that before. A sharp spurt of pain dulled the retort in her throat.

" I do." She said, as firmly as she could manage while forcing a watery grimace, her face whiter than a wedding veil.

But he'd done it. He'd shunned her tears, when he'd once opened his arms to comfort her for that very act, taking away with him an infinitesimal amount of her love. And somehow, hearing his voice break too gave her a vague sense of satisfaction that hovered swimmingly at her lips.
But it wasn't her fault. Or was it? She couldn't figure out, nor could she hide her confusion behind the short, sharp rasps of breath she struggled to take as she pressed the little red button on the screen and watched as the phone fell silent once more. Dizzy and lightheaded, she left her seat and headed for the bedroom, where she gazed into the mirror at her own reflection staring back at her through red, swollen eyes. As she did so she flipped the light switch, and with her head still swarming with his words, she collapsed on the bed, exhausted, but thinking.

Then day broke before she had even slept a wink. And a vague thought occurred to her, something she felt had been stolen from her as the night slumbered on.
She always loved him, she knew.

Chu got posted into social science at nanyang poly. I'm proud of him, because at least he's taken this one step to securing his future which would hopefully, be with me.

One thing for sure is that I know he'll own them all. He's fairly smart enough, and having once achieved the top in the level for gp, it shouldn't be a problem. I'm looking at him to get a gpa or 3.7 at minimum? I suppose that should put him in good running for a place in fass.

On the other hand, there's me. And I'm receiving my A level results in this coming March. I don't know how I'll even do, because frankly, I should have gone straight to the poly. I know I'd actually be able to excel in something I want there- but instead I was herded off into the jc route. I'm afraid I don't get my required ues, and if I don't, well, I guess hello private uni, or hello poly.
I'm not sure. I'll admit that I'm fearful, of where I'd end up and what I'd do. Because I don't think I'm smart enough.

I reread snippets of our conversations from the past. Back then when you were still helping me and, in return, so was I.

And you used to care for me a lot.
You used to show it.
And for that matter, I did too.
I showed it, and you liked it.

But I don't even know what happened, because we can't seem to care like we did before.
I don't feel it as much, and neither can I give as much if I don't feel it.

What's going on?

I’m tired of change.
I’m tired of people changing.
And I’m forcing myself to accept the change instead of fighting the change.
And I know that whatever I do, I have to make sure he comes first. My needs and wants are nothing; they can wait. I have to cheer him on, I have to make sure he’s happy, even if it means killing myself to do so. I have to be proud of him and be a good girlfriend.
Throw away your own desires, because remember that he’s more than you boyfriend- he’s your best friend. And that you’d do anything for him.
You’ve done that before.
You can do it again.
For eternity, if so.

Work is not stressful, but stressing.
It's a constant fight between breaking down and staying strong because the kids don't understand sympathy. I don't blame them.
I had a particularly bad day today, and throw in a splitting headache, I think, no, make that I know I'm going to fall sick soon. What with interacting with sick children, it's a wonder I haven't physically died. (because I'm already dead mentally anyway)
Oh and I sincerely need to start training again and restarting my pt sessions. I've put it off for a long time now. Much too long.
Time to go. Headache is beginning again. The surprise call from Chu today was welcome though, except my headache was so bad I couldn't even recognise his voice. Sigh. .

I'm moody, I'm sick and I'm tired of 1Sir's schedule. The stress is endless for me on the inside but even more for him on the inside. But I don't ever realise that do I, because all I'm going about is how he's supposed to take care of me even though I'm a civilian and I'm supposed to lead and run my own life.
I need to learn to man up. Stop wanting attention and focus on giving attention to him because he actually needs it. Not you. You're outside, you lead a job which, fine, stresses you to death but isn't as bad as his. Stop crying like a baby each time you argue, because really, there's nothing to be sad about. I know it.

You need to stop trying to prove that you're worse of, that my injuries are worse, that I'm more tired, more annoyed, more sick than him all in the name of attention. He's trying to show you attention, isn't he, and for some weird reason Ju, you don't realise it.

" ehhh make sure you eat ah, or else I'll bus over to your house with food for you! "
" you need to sleep more:) "
" please take care dear:( "
" remember, if you have to choose between your book out and getting an injury, I'd rather you stay safe and not get your book out. Because safety comes first, okay? "
" I want to be the least of your worries in NS. Worry about other things first, than me, ok? "
That was everything I said to him before he enlisted.
4 months later, I don't even know if I can say the same things to him without feeling a tinge of jealousy, a tinge of sadness, or a tinge of anger. And I don't even know why. Maybe it's because I need insane amounts of attention which he schedule limits him from giving. Which also means, why in the world, Ju, do you need so much attention? Stop asking for it, start giving it, because that's what you promise chu. Sometimes I don't know anymore. Am I asking for too much? Because I know myself - I've rarely asked for anything. Maybe this lack of asking someone directly for something is manifesting in some obscure fashion unknown to me just yet. Or maybe because I know that he knows me well enough that he'll give the attention himself even without an outright request. I'm confused.

I miss him. And he has a field camp this week, to further add insult to injury.
Then again, I've been in some terribly humour because hormones dictate that I will now suffer from pms. But that's a lame excuse, really.

Let's play this game

I haven't written anything for a really long time. Not because I don't have anything to write, but because I've got no time left. From having the whole day free, to holding a 8-5 is exhausting. Which should explain the lack of blog posts.

So, first and foremost, my job. I haven't quit the kindergarten, and it's almost been a month since I've started working there. I don't dread it as much, possibly because I've made good friends with the other teachers there, and now that there's a specific curriculum to follow/ timetable, life is becoming slightly, just slightly easier. Under the guidance of one of the teachers, I'm slowly picking up the skills needed to run a proper class, be it class management, assessment of the kids or simply bonding with them. It takes a lot more effort than I realise, and honestly, I respect full-time kindergarten teachers. Their job isn't easy, and the younger the child the more difficult to teach.

Case in point, the class I was teaching the other day. It's difficult to get 6 children to listen to you let alone a whole class of 14, all jumping and screaming. It's a wonder that I haven't fully lost my temper at them yet, because I remember that I confiscated this boy's toy train which he brought to school because he was playing with it in class. Of course that boy starting crying. Wailing, in fact. But for once I didn't give in and left the child alone. And for once, he kept quiet for the rest of the class. Then there are other children who don't know how to use the toilet properly, don't know how to wear their shoes, bags and etc... after a while it becomes something I'm almost immune to because I've got no way else to survive.

Some days I'm so frustrated that I don't even feel like getting out of bed. Some nights I end up going to bed dreading the next day. But I guess that it's part of life, part of work, and it's something I have got to get used to, whether I like it or not.

Then there's my life outside the kindergarten. Or what's left of it, that is. All my friends are working, as far as I know, and we're all busy in some way or another. And my life as an NSF's girlfriend. All these different identities, and sometimes I don't even know how, why or if they merge, or if they should. I'm not going to deny that Chu's crazy AIT schedule is stressing me (and just as I write this, I remember that he'll be away for 7 days next week...) but I'm going to stay with him no matter what. Because he's the only one who understands me this way, past and present. Then there's my A level results. One more month, and... justice will be done, hopefully. So many things, so little time, and somehow or other I'm supposed to live through it, because I can't even request to fall out of life.

I'm stressed, I know, and I admit. I'm taking on 2 jobs and nearly took on a 3rd if Chu hadn't scolded me and told me to watch out or I'll exhaust myself. To Chu, I say, thanks for dealing with all my crap. I'm stressed as heck, and honestly, only you knew it and it seemed like only you cared. So thanks for always making sure I'm alright and caring for me, even if you can't be physically around for me all the time. As for me, just remember that I'm not leaving you, okay? Be at peace:)

My job, my boyfriend, my results, my life. Somehow or other, I'm supposed to reconcile all these and make sure I don't lose any of them. I don't really feel like I'm ready for Uni, and ready to grow up. I'm 19 this year, but I feel so awkwardly out of place as an adult. I'm uncertain and I'm unsure, but I guess I've proven to myself that I can be strong when being strong is the only option left. I just need to find that strength again. Maybe in God, even, or rather, to begin with.

Speaking of which, I've got church tomorrow, so I better call it a night.

Good morning Teacher!

So for the past 3 days, I've been working with PCF, helping to orientate the new kids into the school and the culture. I don't hate children, so the job seemed pretty suitable for me. I mean when I first heard the job scope, I thought that handing out tissue paper to the children was a fairly easy job for me.

Until I eventually entered the job for real on Tuesday. 

I guess the first thing I really noticed was that my job scope extended far beyond that. Not that I minded, I mean, I did expect that handling children would be nothing short of tiring, but this was truly the first time I was interacting and handling children- and having to discipline them. That wasn't my forte and never was. I got along well with the children I've encountered in tour groups when families have little kids, but having to get them to listen to you without parental supervision is a whole new story altogether. 

To put it simply, I got kicked and scratched my the children who refused to listen to me (WHYYY), especially children whom I *think* have ADHD and whom cannot sit still for more than 3 seconds. And that was only the beginnning. Since the centre was extremely new, they were slightly shorthanded and I was put in charge of a k1 class- Class Kiwi 1, to be exact. The other teacher who would be conducting the other k1 class was this really petite and pretty chinese teacher in charge of Cherry 1. My class started off with 8 children on the first day and gradually grew to 11 by the third day as we became more and more familiar with the children (because some of the children didn't know if they were Nursery/K1/K2/K+, so many children were often shuffled into the wrong classrooms during orientation, but eventually found the right classroom in the end, to much disarray and screaming. )

Suddenly, I found myself with 11 children under my care, most of whom couldn't speak very well. To complicate matters further a lot of the children didn't know how to raise their hands when they were called or even more confusingly, didn't know how to pronounce/read/say their names. It took a lot of patience ( which I'm, again, not very good at) to finally coax a name out of a kid. Then I had to make them participate in games/songs and dance with me, which was a total disaster because my method was totally off and I just couldn't capture their attention long enough. There'd be 3 to 4 children sitting around me listening (and these were usually the ones who could speak and write English fluently), and the rest of the children would be running around and doing their own thing. It frustrated me. Alot. It was the same with song and dance. I don't know how the other teachers did it, but well, I felt like a complete failure. 

I guess my method of teaching was wrong to begin with. On the very first day with the first 8 children, I was really lax with them. My mentality was this- if the children weren't getting into trouble and they weren't annoying others and immediate danger, I saw no reason to intervene with what they were doing. And they took advantage of that and climbed over my head- Literally. On the 2nd day, however, I looked at the other teacher's children and then it hit me- the children there were really well behaved and quiet while my class sounded and felt like a madhouse. So I picked up the tough approach. I tried to be firm and to shout at them, which worked for a bit, but then the children realised I was just acting tough and started to bully me again. It frustrated me, angered me and annoyed me, but as usual, I just didn't tell anyone. At one point in the 'lesson', I was just so #*@!^&@%$ frustrated with the children I literally stood helplessly against the wall listening to the noise the kids were making and snapped. Not outwardly, because I didn't want the children to see me, but sufficient for the other teacher to walk over and kindly take over the class for me while I went to take a breather. For that moment I just didn't want to deal with children anymore. not their screaming, yelling, punching, etc. 

And that was only the 3rd day. I didn't even know whether I wanted to continue with this job, because it was wearing the hell out of me so badly chasing kids around, force feeding them, making sure they didn't fight, didn't hurt each other, the list goes on. But I knew that I don't have a choice, I mean, yes, I can change jobs, but seriously, what kind of person am I going to be if I job-hop and what does this reflect on my future? I don't want to make this a habit, and whatever it is, I will never resort to drinking to drown my sorrows because that's a silly method and that, obviously, doesn't solve anything because problems will always persist when we grow sober anyway. Plus imagine the magnification of my hangover caused by the screaming and loud noises if I go to work with a hangover? Yeah. 

Whatever it may be, I know that I want to continue with this job, anyway. Even if it gives me the worst headaches when I come back home, even when I have to go to work slightly sick because some children aren't completely well when they come to school, even when I snap at work and I die inside when I see the children misbehave. Because, it's cliche, I know, but this is one of the most rewarding jobs I could ever have. I remember this little kid once saying to me, as she left the centre, " Teacher Julyn, I love you!" and then she kissed my hand. That was a pretty defining moment, I guess, and that's probably also the reason why all the other teachers stay despite yelling till we're all blue in the face and constantly want to strangle them. Alot of the time, those crappy moments, I find myself thinking of Chu and going, you're going to be a mother someday, anyway. Or I find myself thinking of Chu, when the children have their own free time to play and while I'm supervising them, and going, I miss you. At least you don't have to deal with this mess.

I guess despite everything, I still love those kids, and though I hate having to deal with the discipline issues, I'll stay. 

They say, don't ever compare to the past, instead, look ahead, because that's where your future lies.
I say, if you don't look back at the past, how would you know what changes to make to the future such that the future becomes better? Or perhaps, how would you know you're better off now?

I've written about it before, but I can't help thinking that the huge irony my whole life has been thus far hasn't been a waste. It was a good learning experience back then, and yes, I'll admit that I had fun while learning it. And that had I not learnt it, perhaps I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Simply put, it took me long enough to find the correct person, the one person who's interconnected with my past just sufficient for me to see how different 2 friends may be.
I used to think he was like Nic, but my perspectives have changed so drastically over these 2 years.

As this year comes to an end, all I can say is, thanks for the memories. And thanks to all those who've made an impact in some way or other, especially to those who were in my life for just that short period of time to let me learn something about myself.

Either way, I'm ending this year on a good note, and a happier one at that. Let's hope it stays this way for as possible.

I actually do believe that a relationship needs space to grow.
So its perfect to lead a life outside your relationship.
I've always believed that.
And I've always strives to maintain a good balance between a relationship and my outside life.
I guess there's no need to tell me that I need to maintain the relationship by having a good balance.
Because I already have it, and I already believe in it-more than others, sometimes.
Sorry for sounding terribly annoyed, but yeah, I hate it when others try to tell me, or to teach me something I obviously already know.
Hopefully you know and believe that too, actually.

Note: I'm glad to be the first person you've loved, anyhow.

The most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen before.
Ventura Beach, USA, facing the Pacific ocean.
2 weeks in US passed by far too quickly. I still miss that place more than anything else.
But I guess there's no time to visit any of this again
Hopefully after Uni I'll have months to travel around the world with my uni friends :) the 'grand tour.

On another happier note, I got possibly the best Christmas gift ever from my cousin. My very own ukulele! :)

Frustration sets in when one cannot reconcile jealousy/envy and pride for another.
That's me in a nutshell, sometimes. No, make that most of the time.
If I were to select the one greatest sin of mine it'd be jealousy.
Especially towards you. I don't understand myself sometimes, but I'm proud of you when you do something great, achieve something, or when others comment that you're intelligent.

I'm proud of you when you know how to read famous novels and classics, yet I'm envious(?) for being unable to have that same love you have, that love that makes you seem oh-sooooo-smart to others. I don't know, but it seems, and I mean seems, that you genuinely enjoy classics and those of that particular genre that make you seem erudite. Because that's something I'm not sure I can feel. Maybe I'm just reading those classics and all because I want to feel on par with you. Maybe it's because I want to be on par with the rest- I don't know. Because if you feel this innate genuine love for such things, well, I'm quite different from you- and glad to be.

I'm envious when others say you're inwardly smart, but at the same time, I'm proud to be with someone who's well thought of. I speak well of you when people praise you, and inwardly there's this sense of subtle pride, yet I can't help wondering if others thought the same, if others think I'm smart/clever enough for you. (but as you like to put it, it's vice versa, but I don't think so)

I'm Nakata. Except that I didn't suffer an unknown incident and neither can I talk to cats. Or am I? I don't even know myself.
This is tiring.

Here's a little warning to whoever is reading this. Don't read this unless you want your mood ruined. I don't usually post vulgarities, but this time- I can't help it. Sorry.

to begin, I don't usually post these kind of things, and I don't want to defame anyone, but seriously, just let me get this off my back.

I don't know how you put up with this, but it's been more than 18 years. 18 bloody years. I'm only saying 18 years because it's the number of years I've been living in this... place. This house. And this isn't about me. It's about you. You deserve a medal for putting up with such nonsense for years. The first time I saw it, I thought, if I ever dated a guy like that, I'd drop him quicker than I'd drop a sack of hot cakes.

Now I'm used to all that crap. You don't deserve this at all. You don't deserve to have someone bully the fuck out of you as and when he feels like it. It's driven you up the wall- I can see that- and I don't understand why you put up with all that fucking nonsense. It's not your duty, and it's NOT your job to take all that in. Yes, I was once in an abusive relationship so I know how hard it is to give up but sometimes things just don't work out. Then again, like I said, it's already been ongoing for years and years, and this isn't some teenage romance we're talking about. So I guess that's as far as my advice can go then. I can't say more.

He's gone too far, and he's pushed the line far too many times. I would have said just leave, JUST LEAVE, but I know you won't because of me. If only I had a sibling maybe things would have been easier for you. Just a little easier. I hate to see you like this, treated like this, spoken to in this manner. You deserve respect, and you're not getting it.

The day I get married, I'm taking you with me. I want you to live to see the day I walk down the aisle. I want to take you away from this shithole so that you'll get the respect you deserve. Maybe you'll feel better then.
Fuck him. 

I reread some of our old conversations today on MSN. Back when we were still friends in math class and when you started having a thing for me.

Tonight, for some reason, I reread some of our old conversations we had on MSN. Back then when we were still friends in Math Class and when you started having a thing for me. I read about how you'd skip Scouts for her, wait till 10pm at night just to see her, how she used to make you feel so happy by just being there for you, how you took 6 months to get over her, how miserable you were without her. And that old jealous feeling crops up again. Would you do the same for me? I know it's effed up to be thinking about this, but I can't help but think how you'd react if I were to someday (note I said WERE) leave you. I think about whether or not you'll be sad, whether or not you'll cry if I left you. Whether your reaction will be more adverse, seeing as I mean more to you, and how much more averse. Because I don't want you to have the same reaction as you did with her.

Then I remember.

Skip Scouts? I know you'd do the same. In fact you've already done that. But I don't want you to skip Scouts for me, because I want you to enjoy that part of your life too. But it's sweet that you did, and honestly? I appreciate it.

Cry if I left? I probably wouldn't even have to go that far. You already did when you couldn't see me for 2 weeks. What more if I left?

Wait till 10pm for me ( at the expense of your studies back then)? Yeah, I know you would. Not that there's an opportunity to do so now, seeing as you're in NS, but I know you would had there been an opportunity, anyway. Probably more than a couple of hours, even. Maybe days. Or even years, just to see me.

You once told me you'd even die for me. That's something new to me. No one's bothered to care for me to such a great extent before, and it's touching. How I'm naturally just your type, how you can be natural and all around me instead of putting on a show like you used to, how I'm naturally good with all animal , how I'm the only one who loves the outdoors and can put up with the hectic army life...Yeah.

I'm probably sounding like a jealous lover or something, but I'm probably just pms-ing. Plus jet lag's causing me to lose sleep too. Yes, sometimes I get insecure. Then I look back and I remember that there's nothing to be insecure about. Sometimes doing these things is good because it keeps me in check, and makes sure I don't become complacent.

I'm better, I know that. I know.

Star-Spangled Banner

So I'm back from the US. Touched down at 4am this morning.
It's hot, humid, sticky and rainy, but one thing I know- it's safe.
The past 2 weeks I've been in the US have been great, because, as a tourist, you always get to see the glittery, glamorous side of the country. But while I've been there a couple of incidents occurred as well, which made me realise that things aren't so always as shiny as they first appear to be.

First there was a shooting event that occurred in Las Vegas while I was there, and another one in our hotel (according to our tour guide, that is). Then shortly after, there was the major Connecticut shooting event. My condolences go out to all the children who lost their lives at a tender age of 6 and 7, as well as the adults who were killed as well. And yes, I know that Connecticut is in the Eastern side of USA but being in US itself made me realise that a country that's liberal has it's disadvantages as well. On my part I was disturbed at how close I had been to a shooting event and how real it seemed to me back then, because that's not something you'd regularly fear living in Singapore.

On a more positive note, the last 2 weeks have been nothing short of amazing. I guess it's the usual sort of feeling you get when travelling- the constant rush of excitement. There's San Francisco, and getting to see the world's most crooked street (Lombard Street), Fisherman's Wharf, where we took a cruise and saw the famous Golden Gate Bridge and the maximum security prison Alcatraz, Then we headed down to Las Vegas aka Sin City where the whole culture and atmosphere changed, especially along Fremont Street, where loud music, strip clubs ( I saw one named Precious Sluts) and alcohol were abundant and it was certainly an experience- Not forgetting the numerous casinos that rule LV too ( I was eating at this Mexican Grill named Baja Fresh and watching as people tried their luck on Jackpot machines, the Blackjack and the Poker tables) as well.

We left Nevada for a while and headed to Arizona for the Grand Canyon (I personally say it's the highlight of the entire trip), where I got to ride a helicopter, row a boat down the river and climb over all those limestone and sandstone landforms with Alethea, a friend I made on the trip. I can still recall the salty scent of the river water, the cold breeze that blew, lunch cooked by the natives.. It was a good experience. Our last stop was Los Angeles and Hollywood, which always had famous stars ( I hoped to see Ellen, but yeah, luck's never that good for me, huh). Then there was Beverly Hills which sold high end branded products for the rich, as well as Disneyland, California Adventure Park and Universal Studios which also bring fond memories. I cannot for my life understand how I had the guts to ride Space Mountain, ( well Alethea and this little girl named Valerie dragged me to sit it with them) and all the other rides for which I would usually be afraid of. I don't like rollercoasters, but I guess you could say that Space Mountain, as well as the dizziness and loss of appetite that came with it was an experience as well.

Other than that,, there was shopping. Loads and loads of it, especially of brands such as Kate Spade, Coach, etc. I didn't buy any high end products, because I was looking forward to the factory outlets having middle range products instead, and there were few, sadly. (Although I did pick up a couple of things from Nautica, Levi's, Calvin Klein and Nike)

I guess that pretty much sums up the entire 2 weeks. I could go on and on about the experiences I gained, but no one's going to bother reading it, so here's a summarised version. I miss the food, however fattening, the climate, the people ( American people are usually polite) and all the friends I've made. Then again, one thing I can put behind is the unstable wifi, for which caused me to only call back twice to Chu and whatsapp on a couple of days. I miss everything, both the good and the bad, but as always, all things (both good And bad) must come to an end. And I miss Chu the most of all. He's the reason why, despite missing America so badly, I still look forward to coming back to Singapore.

On a final note, I heard my parents are planning the next trip already. To Alaska, this time, possibly. We'll see.

Leaving for US tomorrow morning.
I'm leaving with mixed feelings, really. I know I'll have a good time. US is the one place I've always wanted to go since.. time immemorial? Yeah. I wanted it, and now I've got it. Plus a stopover in Seoul means that I kind of get to see Korea as well. Then there's San Jose, Ventura Beach, Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon, Disneyland and Universal Studios (again). I'm thankful for all these, really, because I know it's a luxury and a privilege to be able to travel.

And I would usually be extremely excited if not for just one thing.

Chu.

I've probably mentioned this already, but I miss that boy. (I'm sorry, it's going to be a little mushy from here on down. ) I hate the fact that I'm leaving on a Friday, which means that just as he books out on Saturday, I'll be up in the air and heading west. That also means a 16 hour flight and a 16 hour time difference. And with Chu being in NS, well, the likelihood of us being able to call is close to almost none. Plus the charges are crazy, which means I'm not going to hear his voice for 2 weeks, or 3 weekends. Midway through my trip he'll be leaving for Tekong as well for his field camp, which means that that's absolutely no contact. It saddens me, somehow, because I miss the fact that I'll be able to hear his voice each night as I get ready for bed.

Despite all this, I know we'll survive. We survived confinement, and we'll survive this. If our relationship is meant to be, we'll survive it, somehow, because if it doesn't even survive this, then well, I guess we weren't meant to be together in the first place. Negative thoughts aside, if both parties put their effort into it, then it'll work out, despite the absences. And effort wise, I know both of us put in our very best, so there's no reason to worry. I don't want it to be a case of just ' oh, if God doesn't think we'll make it, then sua, whatever', but more a case of 'I'll put in my effort and he will too so that God sees we're worthwhile.'

And for you, well, I'm just going to say, take care, and I'll see you again soon. Survive Tekong, and come out stronger (mentally) such that we'll know that we can weather any other obstacle in the future. I miss you already, but its just another 17 days, and we'll be okay::) Love you:)

For the first time, he looked at her, and not through her. The sight shocked him; how little did he know about the girl he once held in his arms, the girl whom he knew so well he could recite off her favourite songs by heart. She looked plain now, her face almost aged, her eyes speaking the words she no longer could voice.

"I'm alright," she said, her voice broke with emotion, and attempted to smile, and as she did the pink beanie she wore slipped slightly off to the left. He watched as her face creased with the force of each facial muscle, her smile wane and painful, and into each crease was tucked a tear, a worry, a fragment of her past she no longer wished to revisit. He watched as she reached under the sheets and held up a small stuffed bear, before clasping it tightly in her arms and against her chest. "At least he's been keeping me company," she whispered. Then he remembered that she loved stuffed toys.

In desperation he bade her farewell and exited the room he first entered with anticipating anxiety. He was alone now- the door had been closed behind him and he could see her no more. He hadn't realised how sick she had been, neither had he realised how much he had been caught up with his work to even notice that she had been suffering from cancer for a long time. In what could perhaps be described as a mixture of pain and pure guilt, he made his way to the toyshop a couple of buildings from the hospital and stood looking through the glass window at the rows and rows of TY toys he knew, or at least he last remembered he knew, she loved. He couldn't remember if she preferred the large furry giraffe or the small stuffed horse and yet he remembered she had told him before- they had been to this very same toyshop. In frustration he bought both, then impulsively picked out 6 other stuffed animals before realising he was out of credit. He paid for the remaining in cash, headed out of the store and ran to the hospital before he could think twice about spending his entire pay for the week.

He stood outside her room steadying his breath, then pushed open the door. She wasn't there- they must have taken her away for yet another round of those endless tests. She wouldn't be back for a while, he knew, and began arranging the newly bought stuffed animals at the foot and head of her bed; how garish they looked against the crumpled white sheets. Then he stood back and looked at the arrangement, before taking a small sheet of paper from her bedside table and scribbling,' Love.' Love who, he did not state. All he wanted was for her to feel loved, in some way or another, then he felt his phone buzz into life against his thigh.
" I'm sorry I wasn't always here," he murmured, before opening the door and leaving the room. He had to return to work- he knew that the buzz could be from no one other than his colleague. Yet something, perhaps the most crucial thing he had not realised was that nothing, not even her favourite stuffed animals, could be his substitute.

It's been.

It's been 11 weeks since he enlisted. That's almost 3 months.
I can't actually believe that it's already so fast, but indeed, time flies. Whether we're having "fun", fun or no fun at all, time passes, anyway. It's really kind of strange. It's something us humans have imposed, but yet we have no control over. The one things created by humans which we cannot destroy at will, if at all.

It's been 6 months since the first time we got together. And it's hitting the 7th month soon.
I remember how we met, I remember how he awkwardly blurted out a confession on the phone, and I remember how everything just fell into place so nicely, after his wasted time in his previous relationship and all his delusions. I guess that the best way I can describe this feeling is simply- relaxed. There's no pressure in this relationship at all ( pardon how wrong it sounds, yes), and any form of pressure is only that of time whereby we resolve things quickly before it escalates. And that's what I love most. How we know that despite our arguments, hellish schedule and strained moments, we know that it's out of love, cliche as it sounds. I'm glad things are working out for now.

It's been 4 weeks since I began my A levels. That's a month.
A whole month of tension, pain, stress and tears, with one more paper to go on Thursday and it'll be over. But no one's kidding when they said that the A levels are the HARDEST paper in Singapore, yes, even surpassing the uni tests that will probably wreck more havoc into my life ( assuming I get into the Uni, that is.) The papers passed in a blur, and to some extent I can't believe that my JC life is over. JC taught me so many things beyond the book; the most important one the lesson on growing up. JC forced me to see reality.

It'll be exactly 6 days till we go public.
I'm nervous, yet I'm excited. But then again, I'll never see these people who are going to judge me again. Plus, I'm happy. I'm happy to be with him, and I'm proud to have him as mine. Whatever the judgement for both him and I, I'm prepared for it.

It'll be 1 week to prom. That's the last day I'll ever see CJ as a quasi-whole again.
Half the school is going. Some of my good friends aren't even going because of their own reasons.
Nevertheless, I think it'll be something I look forward to. At least, I hope to look forward to. He won't be there, because he'll be stuck in camp, and despite that I know that prom marks the last time we'll see our acquaintances. Talk to them perhaps, to say a cordial goodbye and thank-you-for-being-my-classmate-for-the-past-two-years.

It'll be 1 week till I leave for USA.
That's the first time I'll be heading out west. I can't wait, literally. I'm so excited, for once, because I've been going to China for the past... 5 consecutive times? I'm not the Hollywood sort, but a change of scenery is nice. That, plus I haven't spoken Chinese for the past 1 year.( I'm suffering from a language death right here. ) But yes, I cannot wait. I can't wait to see the Colorado River I've been studying about for 2 years materialise, I cannot wait to test my own guts by walking on a glass bridge over the Grand Canyon and risk my life in the process, I cannot wait to see something other than the numerous temples for 5 years. It does get boring, after a while of seeing the same thing repeatedly. I guess the only thing I'm sad about is the fact that he won't be there to see me off. I remember when he sent me off to Changsha back in 2011 with a couple of friends- and this year, when he means so much more to me than just friends, he won't be there. He'll be outfield, and midway while I'm overseas, he'll be in field camp. And that means when I return from my trip he won't be there to welcome me back. I'll miss that, but I'll survive, I guess. 4 days after his field camp- that, I can't wait.

It'll be 4 months before my A level results are released again.
That thought is terrifying. Knowing that I already messed up my human geog paper BADLY, I fear for my results.I might fail Geog at this rate, and I might end up with straight Es and Ss, which will get me absolutely nowhere. Or I might get the reverse and get Cs, Bs and hopefully, an A here or there.
Most of my papers are over, anyway. Time to leave things to God and let Him decide what my next course in life shall be.

It'll been a while. It'll be a while.

I messed up Geog today. 

And yes I feel like hell. 

But what can I do? I can't cry (literally) over spilt milk(figuratively)

1 more paper. 

Make this last paper worthwhile Ju. 

Don't waste it. 

(well, at least if it's any consolation, this was the first BAD paper I've had so far. All the rest were pretty alright. )