Miss.

It's past 12 am. Again. 

This feels reminiscent of JC, very much so. I remember the days when I stayed up just trying to memorise facts on the different erosional processes the rivers, or the different cohesive devices used in texts, or the different integration/differentiation formulas. 

I'm not even learning half of all those things now, but here I am, staying up to complete a presentation that's not even due till next week. That presentation is an odd one, it's on Chaucer's Miller's Tale and the General Prologue, for which it involves deciphering bad pick up lines and honest-to-God bad pick up attempts (I'm being very diplomatic here) on a woman. Which happily ends with the lover being stubbed with a hot poker on his butt. A really interesting story, but one that's also hard to analyse right now. Which explains why, again, I am awake past 12 in the morning. 

I haven't even slept properly in days. The past few days, even on days where I have to wake up at 5.45am in the morning to embark on my 2 hour pilgrimage to school, I've been sleeping past 12 am. And then of course, I wake up in the morning cursing myself for having done such a stupid thing ie. staying up past 12 am the night before. Sometimes I fear if this is going to be my life for the next 4 years. I guess it is. But then again, I guess that's what you get for growing up- not that we have any choice, of course. And this is an odd vibe but I miss working amongst guys back in my office. Where there was less drama (save for one person), and I was a lot, I don't know, carefree? Yeah. I like this place and the people and all- I can get along with them ( I just hung out with my friend after school today and we had a real heart to heart chat about guys over Sogurt). It's just that, in a way, I miss the past. As I always do. 

Speaking of work however, I just realised that soon, I'll have nothing left to go back for. The people at work, at least those whom I know, are quitting soon, and they're gradually replaced with newer (could I also say more inefficient?) staff. I recently headed back to work for lunch with my co-workers before they all leave the workplace (since we're all temp staff anyway) when I finally found a free slot in my timetable for one last lunch with them. Nigel is quitting this Friday, and Daniel will be leaving within the next 2 weeks of September as well. There'll be no one left for me to return to anymore. Both of them are about to start new phases of life as well- Nigel as he enlists, and Daniel as he begins his 2nd year at Uni. And in time, that place will exist as a fond memory- nothing more. It's sad. 

Then there's Chu. He's busy in camp as well, and as always, the pain of seeing him book in every weekend is something I'm used to by now. I can't help it. And as our conversations grow quieter, again, I look back on the past and think, why can't it be like how it was when we first got together? Then I remember that in every relationship, there'll always be a settling down. This is mine, I guess. Or perhaps I've already settled down, gotten used to this routine of Chu-army, Ju-Uni routine. And routines are constant, and I like that. I'm familiar with it. 

This has been a rather long blog post for one done at 12.33am in the morning. My paper has remained blank save for the title. The poem I'm reading is long and intimidating. But I don't have a choice, do I? 

I don't. I have to move on. I have to put my sad, soulful sentiments (woohoo alliteration) behind and move on. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard, but somehow or other, I will manage. I will survive. I will make it. Somehow. 

Temporal.

Temporary (adj) : Not permanent; not lasting

That's the dictionary meaning. And that's how I'm feeling right now. 

I'm currently stuck in this situation whereby my future is so unknown. Yes I may have made friends in uni, but my gut feeling tells me that something isn't quite right. Like I'm not being myself, and when I actually start being myself, well, things might start to change a little. I remember how this was so very reminiscent of the days when I first started JC. What eventually happened? You know, Julyn, you know. 

This isn't the only thing that I fear, however. It's all the people in my life as well. I'm at this extremely insecure stage of my life right now, and while I don't like it, I don't have a choice but to force myself to like this routine. It's mundane, it's draining, but it's all I have. And with this insecurity brought about by this stage of life, there are many other things I'm fearful of as well. Chu is one. I fear that something will tear us apart. I fear we'll be stretched thin and I fear that someday, we'll just tire of each other. But despite all these fears, this relationship is probably the one thing that defies this whole 'temporary' vibe I'm feeling right now. I hope so, at least. 

And my friends. Those I made in JC, particularly, and those I meet at different phases of my life. What will happen to them? I guess the overly optimistic view would state that ' oh we can all still be friends!', but a more pessimistic (perhaps more realistic) point of view would be ' we will all move on with our lives. ' And the latter makes me sad. But I guess that's something that really cannot be helped, especially while we're all so busy. 

Cheers. 

I don't wanna fight

I can't sleep

Everything I ever knew
Is a lie
Without you

I can't breathe
When my heart is broke in two
There's no beat
Without you

You're not gone, but you're not here
Is that's the way it seems tonight
I know that we can make it right
'Cause baby

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fightin' for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you

I don't wanna have to try

Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

How can I live?

When everything that I adore
And everything I'm livin' for
Girl it's in you

I can't dream
Sleepless nights have got me bad
The only dream I ever had
Is bein' with you

I know that we can make it right
It's gonna take a little time
Lets not leave ourselves with no way out
Lets not cross that line
No

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fightin' for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you

I don't wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

Remember that I made a vow
That I would never let you go
I meant it then, I mean it now
And I want to tell you so

I don't wanna fight no more
(Ohh no)
I forgot what we were fightin' for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you
(Now I don't want to)

I don't wanna have to try
(No)
Girl to live without you in my life
(Life)
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
(Can we start?)
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fightin' for
(Ohh and this loneliness)
And this loneliness that's in my heart
(In my heart)
Won't let me be apart from you
(From you no)

I don't wanna have to try
(Don't wanna try)
Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hopin' we can start tonight
(I'm hopin', I'm hopin')
'Cause I don't wanna fight
No more

So lie
Without you
Without you

This is currently my new favourite song. Old, slow songs somehow appeal to me. 

Goals.

I realise that I've been posting a lot of pretty heavy stuff recently (Strange that the blog viewership is going up though, despite all these continuously emo posts). So here's a little reflective list of things that I'm going to make right now at the start of this new phase of life (I've only been in Uni for 2 weeks anyway). I hope that by the time I graduate in 4 years, nothing would have changed. They're in no particular order, since I'm writing them as and when the thought occurs to me, but I guess that those that occur first are usually the ones that mean more to me than the rest.

1. I will not smoke. 

2. I will not go clubbing and get grinded against by guys. 

3. I want Chu to be the guy I'm still together with.. 

4. I want this close friendship with my god-brother to remain as it is right now even as he enters NS.  

5. I will maintain the level of effort I'm putting into my studies now all through the 4 years. 

6. I will continue having a life. 

7. I will remember that studies is my main goal in Uni.

8. I will not try to be someone I am not. 

9. I will continue to hold dearly to the ones whom mean the most to me. 

10. I will not be taken advantage of. 

11. I will not excessively drink.
12. I will not take drugs ( this one ought to be on top, but it was an afterthought seeing I'd never take them.)

There are many more things that I would have written, but these are the top 10 most important ones. I realize the last few are somewhat arbitrary, but I guess I could live with this list for now. 

Here's to a good(?) 4 years in Uni. 

Beowulf.

A couple of days ago, I had to do an analysis on an Anglo-Saxon poem, Beowulf. And if there's something I took away from having to analysize the old English writing of that poem, it's the notion of beauty and what constitutes beauty in that day and age. How Grendel, this vicious condemned fiend was slain by Beowulf, the great warrior who eventually became the king. Midway though, he was bestowed gifts of gold, precious silver and jewellery for the valour and courage he displayed. It's beautiful because those gifts were considered a status symbol- and those gifts also came with the gift of popularity. But what really struck me was how his actions of bravery earned him so much popularity and admiration- so much so that the poem revolves around him and his actions only, praising him of his power and strength so much so we don't ever get to witness Beowulf's flaws. Rarely do we get to see the rest of the population (which also make up the culture of society back then)- the ones whom have fallen by the wayside in pursuit of Beowulf's fame and glory.

I guess that sometimes I feel a little like the 'rest of the population'. The ones who have fallen by the wayside while attention is showered on Beowulf replicas in society. Who are these replicas in society today?  I'll attempt to superimpose an Anglo Saxon society onto today's culture here- The rich, the famous, and the one point that always gets to me- the physically attractive. The pretty, so to speak. Let's face it- I'm your average Singaporean girl who's meekly toed the 12 year line of education- Primary school secondary school, JC, and now in Uni, and I've seen friends who shoot up to fame, who are blogshop models, actors, who write beauty editorials and who live by basking in the limelight. I don't quite want any of this- I personally find that a little demeaning to females sometimes- but there are times where I wonder what it's like to be in the shoes of those who live in the limelight. Whom everyone shower with praises of ' You're pretty', 'you're amazing' and all. Whom companies sponsor to wear their outfits and promote their makeup brands. Whom are the Beowulfs of today. 

Don't get me wrong. I don't seek to model those girls with shape but no substance. I'm proud of the fact that I made it into a uni, I'm happy that I graduated from a JC and that I somehow survived through the fishing nets of the education system. My best friend has told me to be more confident of my looks ( thank you bro). He's asked me why I don't want to believe him. Chu has told me that I'm good. That I'm decent and I'm pretty. But I don't feel it. And sometimes despite everything everyone says, I have to convince myself that I'm good - not have everyone try to convince me. 

I will be leaving me teen years soon. This is my last teen year. And I have to learn to come to terms with the fact that I will see some of my friend showered in the limelight. That some will go on and have fame plastered on their foreheads. That some will live a life of sponsored comfort and luxury. That some will be a Beowulf, with metaphorical jewels and gold bestowed upon them- that's beauty. But then again, beauty comes in various forms. Some will work hard and do well within their own fields of study. Some will encounter success in business. That's beautiful as well. And finally (and personally), I have to do my best in whatever I do, as well as convince myself that I'm good. That essentially, everyone has a Beowulf in them. That warrior that is willing to break forth and fight when the right time comes. 

I'll end on this note then. To my best guy friend, I say thank you for staying by me, and all the best for NS. You've cheered me up a great deal by just being there for me. To my Uni friends I say, thank you for accepting me (for now) for the person I am. And lastly, to Chu, who's been with me for more than a year now, and for putting up with me despite my flaws. 

I love you all, and for showing me that the true Beowulf lies not solely within the Anglo Saxon society, but also within each and every one of us. 

Conclusion.

You know, I never actually thought that you were a bad person. I searched for your rationale behind your motives, I actually believed in seeking the good in everyone. But there was something blatant about yours, about the way you handled the situation, about the way you spoke that evoked a backlash. Perhaps you never intended it, or perhaps even if you did intend it, that you'd never intended to carry it out. I don't know, and I won't know at all right now. A part of me longs to find out, to mend the sour ties that we ended things on. I hated the way we ended things, but I had no choice, and I don't regret it, because I was left ( or rather, you left me) with no other option. It must have been a case of extreme deja vu for you, having seen it happen once before and now again. 

But a part of me ( a more rational, perhaps) side of me knows that to venture into such areas would be to open a can of worms. You could say that I'm happy with the status quo- that we refrain from contact, that we acknowledge that each exists but speak no further on the topic- it has given me much peace and much freedom in the past few weeks. But you could also say that the happiness is diluted, diluted by the tinge of sadness that rears it's head every now and again when your name pops up on Facebook, on Twitter or on Instagram. The sadness that speaks, "we needn't have ended it this way, but I had no choice." The sadness upon realising that we started off so well, versus the situation we both are in currently. I hate losing friendships, I really do. Sometimes I wish we hadn't. But at other times I think that cutting off ties was the best way to prove my resolution and my limit. 

This isn't a note of apology. Neither am I asking you to begin your contact with me again. For the better, rather than worse, and despite the tinges of sadness, it's best to keep things as they are right now. I don't know how you may feel upon reading this (if you ever do read it). I don't even know what you may think of me now. You never struck me as overly reflective, anyway. And I'd rather not know, in any case. Ignorance is bliss sometimes. 

In any case, you're enlisting soon. I hope that matures you and turns you into a better person, from the one I currently know, because, despite having 2 extremely similar incidents, you may/may not have learnt your lesson. All the best. You'll need it, and cheers. 

Time capsule

Couple of minutes ago, I was reading an excerpt from Jamaica Kincaid's A Small Place, which are my readings for this week. And midway while scribbling down what I thought of the tone ( mocking and condescending). it suddenly struck me- how little control we have over our lives. Where we go, what we do, what our future holds. It suddenly seems rather ethereal... and to some extent, disturbing.

Why I say this is because, well, this is only the 2nd week and I'm already drained from the whole university culture and workload. I don't see myself going anywhere, I don't see what I'm going to do with a degree in English (well no, maybe I could do a lot of things but that would all depend on how hard I'm going to work.) I don't know how I'm going to survive this mess but I'll have to survive it, somehow. The thought of having 4 years of this is extremely demoralizing right now.

Maybe it's because I'm still adjusting. I hope it's because I'm still adjusting. I remember how I had this exact sentiments when I first started work back then. I remember how I dreaded work and how I absolutely didn't know how I was going to survive the 3 months. But I did, I forced myself to enjoy it, and 3 months flew by quickly. Strange to think about how I look back on this with a fondness I never thought I'd possess when I first started.

I hope Uni will mimic work in this aspect, whereby I eventually grow to love it as much as I did work, although uni will be a much longer duration. Right now, I'm hoping, I'm praying, that everything will work out. That the friends I've made will still be my friends when I don that mortar board and graduation gown in 2017. That I will graduate with the Honours I want. That I get a 4.5 and above GPA. That my research projects, my role as a leader of 10 for my elective and my studies will progress smoothly. The list is endless. And there's only so much control I have other this. Who's to know if my professor will hate me and mark me down? Who's to know if my group will grow to hate me as a leader and make my life difficult? Who's to know... who's to know. I can continue forever.

(I remember when I first began JC1. The friends that I made in JC1 never eventually became my close friends. And I'm fearing that this will happen again. Especially if I have no means of doing something about it. I'm insecure and I'm afraid, but I have no other choice than soldier on. )

In other news, one of my closest and best friends will be enlisting next month. I will miss his presence as an older brother and a confidante to me. A lot. But then again, that, I don't have control over.

Maybe that's why religion exists. Because we, as humans, need a form of respite, a form of escape for the choices we have to make in life. Because we, as humans, feel the need to "blame" (I'm using this for lack of a better term right now) someone else for the things that happen in our life. Because we, as humans, are proud and cannot always accept that we are wrong and that we have to be responsible for the mistakes we make. Sometimes I wonder if religion was therefore mankind's own make- very agnostic thinking, I know- supported sometimes by a lit book I read back in JC; Tess of the D'Ubervilles, where Tess's parents were portrayed as rather immature adults (I'm not going to quote from the book here, this is a blog, not a lit essay) for their devout religious faith. But of course, this is, literally, my form of Random Access Memory, and to someone else this could probably just pass off as a childish little girl talking. I am a Christian afterall, I believe in God and that Jesus came down to earth and died for our sins- but to say this now would probably make me look like a giant irony. I don't know. These are after all, just my thoughts, because sometimes I find that with such little control over our lives, what we can control is actually negligible. There must be God, and there must be Him who is all-seeing and all powerful. And that whatever control we have is considered rather meaningless. But then again, we are, afterall, given the ultimate decision as to whether or not we want to believe in God or not, so how much control we have would be determined by perspective, I suppose.

I'm not quite sure if this whole post is cohesive, but I'll just leave it as it is right now. I don't intend to offend or insult- merely to voice my thoughts aloud. I don't know how this post turned into a purging of my thoughts, because I initially intended for this to be a post about Uni and how my friend would be enlisting. But in any case, I'm confused and worried and rather fearful. Perhaps this mish-mash of thoughts in this post is the result.

Memoranda

odules, GERPES, UEs, S/Us, etc. It's the first time I'm exposed to such terminologies but within the past 4 days I've learnt one thing - not to underestimate admin work. Because the admin work needed for uni is huge and the adjustments we freshmen need to undergo emotionally and psychologically are definitely no less.

But I have to get used to it, I know. Today marks the start of my first year in NTU. After saying the NTU pledge, wearing that academic gown (?) as odd as it may sound, did it's part in allowing us to feel sort of welcome. Then there were loads of talks, and loads more messages to take away. But one thing remained clear and that was the fact that we needed to balance our time and opportunities. No doubt it's going to be different and difficult. I feel it already. It's a tad bit tiresome to have to keep remaking friends and force myself to be independent where I once could somewhat rely on others. Force myself to adapt, no matter the difficulty, because if others can, why can't I? It's just another phase of life.

But - I'm sure I'm not the only one to admit this, - I hate change. I like the simple comfortable life I used to live, knowing what would happen and having some sort of plan. My job was a good example. Having left it for coming 2 weeks already, I still remember that place fondly, the people (despite whatever may have happened) the things I learnt there. In a way, it was a short getaway from having to worry about uni, but I can't escape forever. Even going to Taiwan after I stopped work was merely a temporary respite.
I'd still have to face uni eventually, no matter how much I dread having to adapt to this new change. But I know myself, I know that I tend to cling onto the last phase I was in and wish it'd last longer. Sometimes when I'm alone, my mind inevitably drifts towards work, towards the counting of those vouchers, to going for lunch with Nigel and Daniel, and to the parts I loved the most, having time to talk to them after lunch and after work. To the times we'd head home together, to the times they'd spend teasing me about being an alien. I can't seem to let that go - not that I want to - and sometimes reliving those memories provides a form of stress relief during this uni adjusting period. I don't know why I do that, but I do it all the same. Maybe it's because I liked the stability of work. Maybe it's because I was happy with the company of friends I had there. Anything.

I'd like thank 2 people though. Chu is one. That goes without saying. For being there for me, for doing all you can despite being stuck in camp and ndp, for trying to understand my situation, for caring about my health and welfare. You're a vital part of my life I can't miss.
The second person is, well, someone who is special to me too. I shan't mention names because I don't want to incur jealousy, but this person has been around a lot for me too. For promising to stay in touch, for promising to try and cheer me up. For being the good god brother I never had. I wish you'd understand that this means a lot to me, because these words don't always come easily for others. As we move on with other parts of life, I hope we remain in touch, and that we remain as close as we are right now. I hope this friendship  makes it through the various life stages. And I hope that I'm not being overly optimistic here as well. It's been great knowing you. I appreciate your little acts of concern much more than you'd imagine. Thank you.

So I guess, time for some heads up, chin up motivation. Uni begins next week.
Let's do this.