Choices.

So, it's the woman's fault for being female. It's the woman's fault for working in a male dominated department. It's the woman's fault that the males must fall for her. The woman must be blamed for having the males fall for her even as she observes complete professionalism.

So much injustice indeed.

It isn't my fault, and I know that well and true. Call me opinionated if you so wish, but it's my form of quiet independence that no one can take from me. I definitely have the right to choose what, and with whom I request favours. I refuse to be shunted into doing something against my will and what I know is right. I have the choice.

But sometimes, my choices are tested. They're tested because I trust too easily, I trust too much, and again and again, I pay the price. My frustration at myself lies in my inability to learn from this betrayal. Friends have back stabbed me, betrayed me, hurt me and yet all I do is to forgive them repeatedly. Maybe I really am a forgiving person, but what if I'm forgiving those people out of pride for having trusted someone whom I shouldn't have? I've been grappling with this problem since time immemorial, but it's only recently that I'm starting to see how see how my independence, my choice and most of all, my trust in others are being tested.

In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have trusted so easily. Maybe I shouldn't have naively believed his words that he'd never use what I told him against me. Right from the start, I should have been wary. I should have done what instincts told me to do. For 2 months , I was tested, and for 2 months, I was hurt. And I did something few other girls would have done - nothing. I let it continue. Because I promised, I couldn't speak of these issues to anyone. I was confused, fearful and uncertain. I didn't know what I said would trigger another tirade of anger. I forgave and I hoped he'd change. Time and again, I'd see some positive change, only for it to regress. I don't even know if it was harassment. It could have been.
And I thought that when I left, things would end. But it didn't and it got worse. Today, I'm still scared and I'm still worried. I have no one to turn to and I can't even breathe a word. Not even to those who care, apart from chu, because I promised. Even when it's suffocating and I long to talk to someone about it. This bottling is killing me slowly.

I've rarely been so stressed, and I rarely feel like breaking down so badly. I wish I could do something, anything, that would resolve this, but because the problem doesn't lie with me, I can't do anything. I could have left, I could have just gone and completely cut ties altogether but I'm not mean enough to do that. Sometimes I feel my determination and ability to withstand all this nonsense is working to my disadvantage. I don't know.

It's not my fault though. And I know this for sure. It's not something I did or said wrong. The issue doesn't lie with me. Tonight was possibly the first time I fought back, and I fought back with a tenacity I never knew I had. I was just so frustrated, so angry, so annoyed with bottling everything up, so tired of putting on a front, so tired of all the petty shouting. Tonight, I think someone saw through my veneer. Tonight, someone saw my frustration. And it isn't my fault. Don't blame me. Don't control me. Don't demand my exclusive attention.
You have no right.
And the choices are mine to make. Even the choice of keeping you as a friend.

Work experience 2- NTUC

So yesterday was my last day of work with NTUC Fairprice Finance. It was also the last time I'd walk through those glassdoors, use the 'thank you' finger print machine and tap my trusty entry pass that's been giving me staff discounts at the office canteen. 

It was also the last time I'd see my colleagues within the work place. In a way, it was a soulful, sad parting, because after having learnt so much about each other, leaving the work place was harder than it should have been. I gave out a couple of chocolate bars to those who were closest to me- Zul, Nigel, Daniel, Big Sister Joan and Aunty Jennifer(my supervisor) with personalised notes attached. I wasn't expecting a flood of gifts to come back though- a slice of cheese cake (baked by Aunty Jennifer) and a lovely pen stylus (also from aunty), a box of Dove chocolate rolls from Zul, a bottle of M and Ms and 2 energy fruit bars from Nigel and 3 Hershey's kisses from Daniel. It was touching. 

I spent the rest of the day rushing through my work trying to finish as many vouchers as I could, before heading down for lunch for the last time with Nigel and Daniel. (Zul was fasting.) We headed back to the office and took some pictures with the rest of the office members, then worked till knock-off time. I guess that's where it really hit me- that I'd be seeing everything here for the last and final time. Daniel gave me a brotherly hug just before he left, then I headed down for dinner with Zul and Nigel at NEX. I desperately needed to hold back tears, for the better or worse. 

This whole work experience taught me a lot though. Apart from the fact that my math improved, I learnt how to converse well within a workplace and how to remain a cordial professionalism with my colleagues. No where else have I learnt how to control my feelings and my emotions- I've come close to snapping many a time but eventually pulled myself together. The discipline and all was something I got used to as well, eventually, because I had to adhere to the strict regimes and the need to maintain utmost efficiency. From counting, to stamping, to removing defected vouchers, to sorting supplier coupons, to rushing UStretch vouchers- everything.

I wouldn't have been able to accomplish all these without the help of my colleagues though. To Zul, I say, thank you for those little jokes we share at the workplace, those little gifts of food when you know I need them, and thanks for usually being a cheerful, happy person. To Nigel, thanks for being who you are, for always having that ready smile, for always thinking of my needs and for being a close friend of mine. To Daniel, thanks for always being friendly and for being the only person I can relate any JC stuff with, as well as for those times you've cheered me up with your positive attitude. Thanks to all 3 of you, for teasing me in jest for being an 'alien', for not judging me, and for allowing me to be who I am. You all have impacted me in ways I cannot imagine.

Finally, to my supervisor, thank you for always being so utterly patient with me, for my lack of proficiency with Excel, for my little slip-ups and for always being so cheerful. I couldn't have asked for a better supervisor, and your help has indeed gone a long way. It has also been much appreciated. 

Thus ends another phase of my life at work. First PCF Sengkang West, now this. That's 2 phases of work life I've had as I begin my final preparations for Uni life (which will be vastly different from this I daresay). In short, thank you NTUC Fairprice, for all you've done for me. It's been a very fulfilling and eye-opening journey with you. To my friends, I love you all. Let's stay in touch.

Today's the 15th of July, a Monday. I handed in my resignation form today.
And as of today, I have exactly 4 more days and 1 hour or so left before I end yet another phase of my life at NTUC Fairprice Finance.

I think I blogged about it before, but I'm going to say it again - the feeling is.. Overwhelmingly sad. And my mood fluctuates so drastically at work because of this; I want to end this mundane job, yet I can't bear to leave all the people behind...

At the same time, however, there are periods of time I felt the pressure to just drop everything and leave. I knew there were times I hated everything - the pain, the anger, the hurt, the injustice. Everything. Pressure nearly forced me to quickly earlier than expected, especially since I couldn't do anything about this pressure. I couldn't resist it, neither could I fight it headlong. It was trouble in every form of the word, and yet I pulled through it, somehow.

I'm going to miss everyone, I know. And ironically, it's not a case of 'despite the pain and hurt', but rather, 'because of the pain and hurt', I'd miss them more than usual.

Especially since we're all going to begin new phases of our lives.

Time is literally flying past. It's going to be 2 months since I began working with NTUC Fairprice, and while it hasn't always been a bed of roses, I can't say that I never had fun. I've had my fun times, and along with it, times when I want to yank my hair out because results simply don't tally.

There's not much I really want to say, except for the fact that well, I'll miss these people when I leave. I rarely meet such non judgemental people, and when I do, I realise that they're people worth keeping. But the reality is that sometimes it's difficult. It takes effort, and not always is effort put in.

Oh, and that Raj, the newest guy, is leaving, in place of another new guy coming in tomorrow. It's no affecting me, but I don't like change. Then again, no one does, right?

I need to be more cautious, and be more alert, I feel. Not everyone out there is out to catch me, but not everyone has good intentions either. I miss when life was simple. When things were decided for me, actually. When things weren't all so complicated and messy. And I'm praying everyday that I make peace with myself and especially others. To care, to love, and to hope.

Just a little reflection.

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don’t sound the same
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down
Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name
It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should ‘ve bought you flowers And held your hand
Should ‘ve gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby’s dancing, but she’s dancing with another man.

MY PRIDE , MY EGO , MY NEEDS , AND MY SELFISH WAYS,
Caused a GOOD STRONG WOMAN like you to walk out my life
Now I NEVER , NEVER get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes.
It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should ‘ve bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should ‘ve gave you all my hours when I had the chance.
Take you to every party
Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby’s dancing, but she’s dancing with another man.

Although it hurts, I’ll be the first to say that I was wrong.
Oh, I know I’m probably much too late,
To try and apologize for my mistakes But I just want you to know
I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Gives you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should ‘ve done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should ‘ve done
When I was your man.

-When I was your man, Bruno Mars -

I don't want to be overly melodramatic here. But this song really makes me tear. Especially when it still hurts so badly. It hurts worse when I've tried, and it isn't noticed. When I'm shot down with malicious bullets.
I never thought, and I never knew. I guess it doesn't matter that he once said he'll never give me up. It doesn't matter anymore. Mess up somemore ju, and reality will have you rubbing your nose in the dirt.
Blind faith, blind trust. Just force yourself, even if you kill yourself trying, force yourself. Shut up, and be the good girlfriend he deserves. No more hatred, no more spite.
I have this one last chance.
I'll have nothing left if I blow it.
This is so reminiscent, I swear, but I know I'll do anything. Even if I die, even if I go mad.
I'll do anything.

I love it, and I hate it. And the reasons why I love it are the exact same reasons why I hate it. I never thought it was possible, but for the first time ever, I'm feeling myself trapped in a situation where I don't have a choice.
I was told that I was overly friendly, and sometimes yes, I admit to that statement. But other times I remain adamant because I know I do not do so on purpose.
Is it my fault then? I don't think so. I don't have control over what happens, more so over how they feel. Yet why do I feel this sense of heaviness? Like something out there is pinning the blame on me and that I'm unwilling to fight back? What frightens me most is if I actually am happy with it, because knowing as such is a immense morale booster. It's wrong, and I know it, and I need another confidence booster. Or better still, the day I don't need a booster at all.
But what if this all isn't? What if I was over thinking ;What if I'm not even pin pointing the problem; what if I don't understand myself at all? This is an issue which , I'm sure, I wouldn't be facing only now. This will be an issue in uni, and as I see it, for the rest of my life.
The thought is morbidly disturbing.

Monday would be my third week with the company.
It's fast. It really is. And I'm only saying this because time can only fly quicker if you're having fun. It's probably a far cry from the first day, but despite some upheavals, I'm glad to say that I'm actually starting to like this job. Love it, hopefully.

The abrupt change in opinion though, you may wonder, would be attributed not so much to my work, but rather, to the 2 people whom I work with. This post will be largely dedicated to them for having made my job a little easier to cope with (let's hope I'm not jumping the gun here).
So the first one would be Zul, my immediate coworker, colleague or best known as my 'bro'. He's been there longer than I have, and is therefore more experienced both in terms of the job culture and nature. Job-wise, I've been relying a lot on him to help me out especially when I occasionally mess up and when I'm unsure about stuff. But beyond the job scope, he's the craziest, most 'bull-shitty' guy I've met, the one who cracks the most insanely inappropriate/awkward jokes to cheer me up when I'm stressed from keeping the values tallied, and one who brightens my entire working day by evoking a smile from me despite the stress I face.

The second one would be Nigel. I don't work directly with him, because we're technically from different departments, though we sit just a couple of metres from each other. However, despite speaking to him largely only during lunch hours, I'm grateful for his ready smile, and his quieter (but no less 'bull-shitty') demeanor that plays a part in lightening my spirits whether both he and Zul get together and toss rubber bands at each other (I join in, of course :P)

On a more serious note, however, I don't deny that we've never had issue, but as for me, I'm praying, hoping, that whatever may have occurred prior to my coming may have been resolved. And it seems so, thankfully. I dare not hope for too much, and I most certainly don't want to open a can of worms. I can't afford to lose either one of them, because well, the effects of that would be horrendous. I hope I haven't been too presumptuous here, neither do I want to sound too hopeful, but for once, this job certainly seems to be a bright one for me. I'm hoping it will last. Despite being an arts student and that the  constant calculations needed when tallying the number of vouchers drive me insane.

Love yall, and my kind supervisor too. Thanks for making my job a better one.

The transitioning.

I've officially begun work at the finance department of ntuc fair price, and things seem to be finally stabilising. It's been one rather hectic week, and while I must admit that the transition from having absolutely nothing to do at home to having to rush out the counting of vouchers was a difficult one, I couldn't have expected anything less than what I'm currently experiencing. I'm currently thanking God for having blessed me with a caring supervisor and some nice workmates whom I'd be spending the rest of my time there with. That, plus having the privilege of listening to music and eating whatever I want out of my drawer. It's a refreshing experience, and while sometimes I really dread work ( like now), I've got to admit that it's better that what I hoped for.

Sometimes though, I miss my days at the kindergarten. Not because I miss screaming at children, but rather because I felt that whatever talents I have were at least, well, being appreciated. I was given the opportunity to draw (for the children) and I was honoured when others asked me to help proof read their work. In a way, I was happy because despite the crazy schedule and being drained the entire day, I was appreciated, and the children were happy. Down here, it's a man's world (not like anywhere else isnt) and it's all math related - not my forte. And I fall short in many areas, not just because I'm an arts student, but also because I'm a girl and because I lack experience where others (like my cowokers) don't. It's marginalising sometimes, and it hurts, but I've learnt to swallow it because, after all, I've got very little opportunities to prove myself. I can't do mental sums as well as the other 2 engineering / mechengineering guys, and I lack in exp and strength where they both excel. It's sad.

They're nice people though. I'm glad that I get along with them, despite having vastly different backgrounds, and it's thanks to them that my working environment is a little better. Perhaps it's the fact that I can look forward to seeing them and talking nonsense that helps me get through the day.

I'm dreading the coming week now though. Today marks the last Saturday I'll see Chu because he'll be down for Ndp duty. Even Saturday till 9th August, and that's when I begin uni. I'm probably quitting beginning July, from the looks of it, so I get to spend a little more time preparing myself/spend time with him before the workload piles up from uni.

In any case, there's nothing much I can do now. There's 2 months to clear at work, and then there's uni. It's intimidating, and I'm not quite sure if I'm going to look forward to it.

And as always, they have a reason for saying growing up is tough.
Ah well. Mind over matter.

Again, it's been a while since I've blogged. But in the short span of time, quite a lot of things have happened/are happening. Let's see...

1. I got invited by NTU to study a BA Honours in English Lit! I couldn't believe it actually. Well granted that it wasn't my first choice- I really, badly wanted to study psychology- but having a degree in lit wouldn't be bad either. In fact, it may open up a lot of opportunities for me. Perhaps I could do teaching ( and become another Mrs Low in the process HAHA; the thought is mildly entertaining), or any other English related jobs in the future. Then again, I'm still in the process of waiting for other offers from other Unis, so let's see if NUS or SMU come back with positive offers(:

2. I've started sessions with Adrian with regard to .. some matters. I just realised that the incident that occurred back in Sec 4 wasn't fully healed, and I guess that Chu was right in saying I needed some closure. Except that right now, Adrian is telling me that if I wanted to truly revisit it, he'd refer me elsewhere. The idea seems close to revolting for now, but I understand that he means well, so.. I'll think about it sometime in the future. As of now, it's cathartic talking to him because it does provide some form of relief- something I've been searching for for a long time. He speaks some measure of truth, and despite the pride I originally had, I have to admit that he's right, and that some things I need to pay heed to. It's odd I guess, to find someone who I actually trust this much to reveal that many things about myself. Someone who's had more experience that I do. And whatever veneer I originally possessed disappeared when I decided to trust him. With my life, metaphorically.

3. Chu and I are celebrating our 12th month tomorrow- that's one year, finally! :D Well, the actual date's the 14th of May, but he'll be at the range then, so I guess the weekend's our only way of celebrating it. It's strange how we've come such a long way, changed and moulded for each other in ways I never imagined when we first started out. We began as an insecure, unsteady pair and I'm happy to say we're a lot happier now, more secure(hopefully) and more relaxed around each other.

4. I'm beginning work again on Monday as an admin assistant in Fairprice Finance. Finally, after.. 2 months of rest. I need to get my head working again before Uni. In a way, I can't wait to begin work. To live an active life and to actively participate in a working environment again.

I want to write something here but it's just too complicated to explain and describe.
All I know is that sometimes I don't think I did anything to deserve this. To be emotionally disregarded for 19 years of my life. Sometimes I feel like I've lived with it long enough because it's bad enough that there's no escape route for me now. I can't do anything, and though I'm 19, there's no saying when I'll eventually leave this mess.

I used to think it was normal- now I don't because the more I'm subjected to it, the more ridiculous I think it is. No one treats their daughter like that. No one would subject their daughter to emotional abuse like that either- and I'm serious because I'd much rather have taken physical abuse than emotional ones. And I've been taught to believe that I'm lucky because rarely has anyone inflicted physical abuse on me. But now that I think about it, I'd much rather have it physical because the effects are far mor short-lived.

Something is wrong and I know it. It been too long. I need to stop it affecting me someway or other.

Heartspeaks

As far as I remember, I've never done so much to keep something before.
I've crossed limits, fought obstacles and strained myself to the limit to keep this. I've fought everyone from my friends to my family for this.

Yet all I get at least once a week is pain and swollen eyes. Sometimes I don't know what happened and what changed that caused this massive upheaval. It didn't use to be like that. It used to be much happier and less heartache.
Sometimes i feel shortchanged. Like the relationship I expected and hoped for isn't what it is anymore. It's becoming a diluted version of what used to make me happy and excited each time I knew I could see him after school and all. I know it can't all be his fault, but sometimes it annoyed me how he didn't inform me of all his family commitments and all that earlier, and only try to add them in later after I've started to get used to having our relationship without that much of it.
Yet I know it can't all be his fault because maybe I've become complacent too. Things I knew were once a luxury are now a need, like him spending time with me every weekend. I still remember how he struggled to have more time with me in the beginning of our r/s before he enlisted- now it's as if he's no longer trying as hard. It made me happy that he was trying to spend time with me. Now Its something I feel is becoming a thing of the past.
I don't know what the issue is anymore. Maybe it's all my fault that I've become complacent. That despite all the things I've given up for him- friends( I mean, the were fake friends anyway, right?) and approval from my family( because I've never had a perfect relationship with all my family members to begin with anyway ya?) it's still not enough. I need to push and force myself to give up more, and at the same time pressure myself into accept the present, no matter how much I miss the past. I need to make sure that I'm better than his ex in every possible way.
I don't know if that's enough, but I certainly hope so.
God, please don't forsake me. Not now. I'm praying that this will be a long term thing because I actually hope that it'll work out.

' You're my alpha and omega,
The beginning and the end,
You're behind me, You're before me,
You're forever my friend.
Wherever I go, whatever I do,
Jesus is my source and my goal.'

I haven't heard this hymn in a long time, because the last time I sung it was some 3 years ago when I was in IJ.
But maybe I do need it now. I need it if I want to go on. If I want to keep this up.
Because 'You're behind me, You're before me, You're forever my friend.'

So in the time between this post and the last, a couple of things happened that I want to address. Or rather, make note of. 

A Level results Day; 1st March 2013

I'll skip right to it- I did better than expected. Why? Because the teachers never had a very high opinion of me in the first place and expected me to score Ds and Es. So when it turned out that I scored Bs and Cs, the teachers received a fairly big shock, presumably. Or rather, what I gleaned from seeing my ELL teacher's reaction. She smiled at me for what was probably the first time in my life. And as it turned out, I scored the best for her subject. I'm a little disappointed though, for some reason. Although I really don't have a reason to be. I jumped more than 55 UES points and I know for a fact that only the very best got As and Bs. And I've never been the best. That, and even students the teachers expected would do well got the same grade as me. 

I don't have a reason to be upset, really.

Last day of work at PCF Sengkang West; 28th Feb 2013

28th Feb marked the last day of work at the kindergarten, PCF Sengkang West. That's the class of Cherry 1 in the photo, the K1 class for which I've been in charge of these past 2 months. This was the very first class I was introduced to when I first started working at the centre. And as much as it was a new experience for me, I can't say the same about them- they are, after all, the class which graduated (or at least, for a majority of them) from nursery. 

I recall writing a work-related post sometime back, and I'll say that my sentiments don't change. The last day was no less arduous than my first day, although I have to say that it got a lot better 2 weeks before I officially ended because a new teacher joined the centre and took over Cherry 1. I spent the weeks before that teaching the children the letters of the alphabet, and in retrospect I think I could have been a little more patient with them. But its rewarding to see them happy though, when they finally understand. Looking back on this photo I regret not taking a picture with my other class, Peach 1, which was another K1 class who joined Cherry 1 midday. I remember giving all of them pencils and erasers on my last day ( this photo was actually taken immediately after I gave out the pencils and erasers- probably the reason why the kids looked so happy) and this little girl called Fatin ran up to me, gave me a hug and told me that she'd miss me. It's times like these that make me feel that the effort I've put into the kids is worth it. It's rewarding.

My kids and I; K1 Class Cherry 1

And this photo here was a incomplete (sadly) staff photo taken after lessons ended that day at 5. From left, that's Mrs Lee-the centre principal, Viola, Teacher Tabs, Teacher Shikin, myself, Wu Lao Shi, Teacher Dharshiny, Teacher Sally and Teacher Jennifer. The teachers there (with the exception of Viola and myself who are both relief teachers) taught the kindergarten. The childcare teachers aren't in this photo.        

I guess I don't really have much to say because it's my first paying job, my first time contributing to CPF, and I can count myself lucky that the staff was friendly to me even though I made a lot of mistakes in the course of my teaching. I'm grateful to them for being supportive, and for helping me understand the psychology of a child better. It'll be great if I could do something education related in the future, though, then again, that will depend on my degree.
As for all those who've helped me so much in this 2 month journey, I say thank you, and thanks also for the memories. You've taught me so much about myself in the process of caring for the children and given me much invaluable advice, PCF Sengkang West.

Staff members of the kindergarten! 

Spare change

It had started off well, she recalled. Back then when the anticipation of a phone call from him caused a shiver of heated excitement to streak down her spine. She remembered how she sat by the phone, gripping it with increasing intensity as she stared at the clock. Anytime now, she recalled, as the second hand inched its way across the minute surface of the number '10' on her watch. Then her phone trilled into life within her palm, its screen winking his name through the thin glass.

She remembered having animated conversations with him, her eyes creasing at the corners with mirth as he spoke. It was entertainment to speak with him, to have him soaring joy into her life like an escaped lark. And each time he did that he caused a love, then still vehemently ignored, but decreasingly so, to leap like sparks, where she could one day deny it no more.

Then somehow things changed. She sat, hunched up, muffling her sobs against the back of her hand as she listened, still gripping the phone with the same intensity as she always did. But her words were different this time. They were harsh, and the reply she received was no less savage.

"Stop crying! I have only 40 minutes left- do you want to listen or not?"

She never heard him say that before. A sharp spurt of pain dulled the retort in her throat.

" I do." She said, as firmly as she could manage while forcing a watery grimace, her face whiter than a wedding veil.

But he'd done it. He'd shunned her tears, when he'd once opened his arms to comfort her for that very act, taking away with him an infinitesimal amount of her love. And somehow, hearing his voice break too gave her a vague sense of satisfaction that hovered swimmingly at her lips.
But it wasn't her fault. Or was it? She couldn't figure out, nor could she hide her confusion behind the short, sharp rasps of breath she struggled to take as she pressed the little red button on the screen and watched as the phone fell silent once more. Dizzy and lightheaded, she left her seat and headed for the bedroom, where she gazed into the mirror at her own reflection staring back at her through red, swollen eyes. As she did so she flipped the light switch, and with her head still swarming with his words, she collapsed on the bed, exhausted, but thinking.

Then day broke before she had even slept a wink. And a vague thought occurred to her, something she felt had been stolen from her as the night slumbered on.
She always loved him, she knew.

Chu got posted into social science at nanyang poly. I'm proud of him, because at least he's taken this one step to securing his future which would hopefully, be with me.

One thing for sure is that I know he'll own them all. He's fairly smart enough, and having once achieved the top in the level for gp, it shouldn't be a problem. I'm looking at him to get a gpa or 3.7 at minimum? I suppose that should put him in good running for a place in fass.

On the other hand, there's me. And I'm receiving my A level results in this coming March. I don't know how I'll even do, because frankly, I should have gone straight to the poly. I know I'd actually be able to excel in something I want there- but instead I was herded off into the jc route. I'm afraid I don't get my required ues, and if I don't, well, I guess hello private uni, or hello poly.
I'm not sure. I'll admit that I'm fearful, of where I'd end up and what I'd do. Because I don't think I'm smart enough.

I reread snippets of our conversations from the past. Back then when you were still helping me and, in return, so was I.

And you used to care for me a lot.
You used to show it.
And for that matter, I did too.
I showed it, and you liked it.

But I don't even know what happened, because we can't seem to care like we did before.
I don't feel it as much, and neither can I give as much if I don't feel it.

What's going on?

I’m tired of change.
I’m tired of people changing.
And I’m forcing myself to accept the change instead of fighting the change.
And I know that whatever I do, I have to make sure he comes first. My needs and wants are nothing; they can wait. I have to cheer him on, I have to make sure he’s happy, even if it means killing myself to do so. I have to be proud of him and be a good girlfriend.
Throw away your own desires, because remember that he’s more than you boyfriend- he’s your best friend. And that you’d do anything for him.
You’ve done that before.
You can do it again.
For eternity, if so.

Work is not stressful, but stressing.
It's a constant fight between breaking down and staying strong because the kids don't understand sympathy. I don't blame them.
I had a particularly bad day today, and throw in a splitting headache, I think, no, make that I know I'm going to fall sick soon. What with interacting with sick children, it's a wonder I haven't physically died. (because I'm already dead mentally anyway)
Oh and I sincerely need to start training again and restarting my pt sessions. I've put it off for a long time now. Much too long.
Time to go. Headache is beginning again. The surprise call from Chu today was welcome though, except my headache was so bad I couldn't even recognise his voice. Sigh. .

I'm moody, I'm sick and I'm tired of 1Sir's schedule. The stress is endless for me on the inside but even more for him on the inside. But I don't ever realise that do I, because all I'm going about is how he's supposed to take care of me even though I'm a civilian and I'm supposed to lead and run my own life.
I need to learn to man up. Stop wanting attention and focus on giving attention to him because he actually needs it. Not you. You're outside, you lead a job which, fine, stresses you to death but isn't as bad as his. Stop crying like a baby each time you argue, because really, there's nothing to be sad about. I know it.

You need to stop trying to prove that you're worse of, that my injuries are worse, that I'm more tired, more annoyed, more sick than him all in the name of attention. He's trying to show you attention, isn't he, and for some weird reason Ju, you don't realise it.

" ehhh make sure you eat ah, or else I'll bus over to your house with food for you! "
" you need to sleep more:) "
" please take care dear:( "
" remember, if you have to choose between your book out and getting an injury, I'd rather you stay safe and not get your book out. Because safety comes first, okay? "
" I want to be the least of your worries in NS. Worry about other things first, than me, ok? "
That was everything I said to him before he enlisted.
4 months later, I don't even know if I can say the same things to him without feeling a tinge of jealousy, a tinge of sadness, or a tinge of anger. And I don't even know why. Maybe it's because I need insane amounts of attention which he schedule limits him from giving. Which also means, why in the world, Ju, do you need so much attention? Stop asking for it, start giving it, because that's what you promise chu. Sometimes I don't know anymore. Am I asking for too much? Because I know myself - I've rarely asked for anything. Maybe this lack of asking someone directly for something is manifesting in some obscure fashion unknown to me just yet. Or maybe because I know that he knows me well enough that he'll give the attention himself even without an outright request. I'm confused.

I miss him. And he has a field camp this week, to further add insult to injury.
Then again, I've been in some terribly humour because hormones dictate that I will now suffer from pms. But that's a lame excuse, really.

Let's play this game

I haven't written anything for a really long time. Not because I don't have anything to write, but because I've got no time left. From having the whole day free, to holding a 8-5 is exhausting. Which should explain the lack of blog posts.

So, first and foremost, my job. I haven't quit the kindergarten, and it's almost been a month since I've started working there. I don't dread it as much, possibly because I've made good friends with the other teachers there, and now that there's a specific curriculum to follow/ timetable, life is becoming slightly, just slightly easier. Under the guidance of one of the teachers, I'm slowly picking up the skills needed to run a proper class, be it class management, assessment of the kids or simply bonding with them. It takes a lot more effort than I realise, and honestly, I respect full-time kindergarten teachers. Their job isn't easy, and the younger the child the more difficult to teach.

Case in point, the class I was teaching the other day. It's difficult to get 6 children to listen to you let alone a whole class of 14, all jumping and screaming. It's a wonder that I haven't fully lost my temper at them yet, because I remember that I confiscated this boy's toy train which he brought to school because he was playing with it in class. Of course that boy starting crying. Wailing, in fact. But for once I didn't give in and left the child alone. And for once, he kept quiet for the rest of the class. Then there are other children who don't know how to use the toilet properly, don't know how to wear their shoes, bags and etc... after a while it becomes something I'm almost immune to because I've got no way else to survive.

Some days I'm so frustrated that I don't even feel like getting out of bed. Some nights I end up going to bed dreading the next day. But I guess that it's part of life, part of work, and it's something I have got to get used to, whether I like it or not.

Then there's my life outside the kindergarten. Or what's left of it, that is. All my friends are working, as far as I know, and we're all busy in some way or another. And my life as an NSF's girlfriend. All these different identities, and sometimes I don't even know how, why or if they merge, or if they should. I'm not going to deny that Chu's crazy AIT schedule is stressing me (and just as I write this, I remember that he'll be away for 7 days next week...) but I'm going to stay with him no matter what. Because he's the only one who understands me this way, past and present. Then there's my A level results. One more month, and... justice will be done, hopefully. So many things, so little time, and somehow or other I'm supposed to live through it, because I can't even request to fall out of life.

I'm stressed, I know, and I admit. I'm taking on 2 jobs and nearly took on a 3rd if Chu hadn't scolded me and told me to watch out or I'll exhaust myself. To Chu, I say, thanks for dealing with all my crap. I'm stressed as heck, and honestly, only you knew it and it seemed like only you cared. So thanks for always making sure I'm alright and caring for me, even if you can't be physically around for me all the time. As for me, just remember that I'm not leaving you, okay? Be at peace:)

My job, my boyfriend, my results, my life. Somehow or other, I'm supposed to reconcile all these and make sure I don't lose any of them. I don't really feel like I'm ready for Uni, and ready to grow up. I'm 19 this year, but I feel so awkwardly out of place as an adult. I'm uncertain and I'm unsure, but I guess I've proven to myself that I can be strong when being strong is the only option left. I just need to find that strength again. Maybe in God, even, or rather, to begin with.

Speaking of which, I've got church tomorrow, so I better call it a night.