Walk.

I think I made a right decision today. Today, I choose to forgive her for all the things she did to him in the past. All the short-changing of feelings, all the hurt, the embarrassment, the pain she made him waste on her, and the time wasted.

I'm not going to hold it against her anymore. I will force myself to make sure that she no longer crosses my mind, and that even if she did, it would not be ill thoughts. It will be hard, but I will try, nevertheless. Because what's happened in the past is the past, and there's no use revisiting the past if we want to write a new chapter. All this time, I've been struggling so hard to put her dishonourable deeds out of my mind, because I thought I'd never be able to forgive her for all that she's done. Because of her, I used to think, he became sad, sullen and moody. But I also realised that it's pretty much useless blaming her for what she had done right now as he's not longer the same, depressed person I first knew back in J1. Today, he's a happy, outgoing and spirited person- notwithstanding army, of course, which would kill anyone's mood anyway- and that's something I'm going to make sure he remains.

I will move on, and put her in the past, never to revisit her again because I will do my best to clear myself of all hard feelings for her, seeing as he has already done so himself and acknowledged that his relationship with her was a 'fiasco'. Speaking of moving on, I've finally allowed to let myself move on from my own past- my own disappointment, pain and worry- and never let that hinder my relationship with him again.

I'm not Tess, and unlike her, I do not, and will not let any form of guilt consume and hamper my progress, because the one thing I'm most certain about is this- I have a clear conscience, and my morals are intact. Mistakes are made by everyone- this I've learnt- and in the larger scale of things, life doesn't stop for anyone, and there's still a route to march, a life to lead. Whether or not I take the path less travelled in the future, it's still a path, however rocky it may be.

Let's do this.

Because.

I know that when stealth mode goes off, people will judge. Both him and me, for our actions, and for our past. I know one thing- that I have a clean conscience. It doesn't matter what the public say, because they never know the full story. He does, and so does my conscience. It's enough.

People will bring up my past, in an attempt to compare me against her. I know for one thing, because he's assured me over and over again, that I'm better than her. A thousand times. Because his 'fiasco' (I'm quoting his words) with her was never true. It was never love. And people will bring up his past. And I'm ready for it. Haters or otherwise, I'm ready for it. 

I'm happy with my life. I've made mistakes, just like him, and just like everyone else. Just like her. But the thing about these mistakes is that I've learnt from them, and forced myself to grow to become a better person. I was innocent once, and then the real world opened itself up to me. Its terrors and all it's menace. I've seen them, and once this stealth mode goes off, I can only say, Bring It On. Because I'm ready to receive what's left of any harsh judgement. 

At the end of the day, I know I did the right thing. It may not have been what I wanted, but I do know one thing for sure- I'm happy, because I left with my morals intact. It's a sad thing when people out there lack the common sense and the moral judgement to do the right thing- even after they've proclaim that they've grown up and know how to do these things then. It's just one of life's ironies.

I just hope that others out there know what's morals when they see it too. Hopefully so.

This is such a superficial, trivial issue. I shouldn't be technically bringing it up, but well, it struck me, and so I shall. 

I was looking through her photos and I realised one thing- she's as well-liked as he is. Wouldn't it be a more appropriate match for 2 well liked people to be together? ( Yes, I know it's terribly stupid because she's not his type, never was and never will be. In my opinion, I actually think she's unfit for any guy, but let's not go there yet. ) 

Also, as I once mentioned in a previous blog post, facebook 'likes' doesn't necessarily mean someone actually likes whatever/ whoever's in the photo, but sometimes, it's a little infuriating to see someone who's fake, plastic and pathetic get the friends. I guess that's the way the world works, and sad to say, some people haven't yet realised yet. 60+ likes on facebook on a photo and 500+ 'friends' when they've got no real value in any single friend? That's sad. 

I know he's often told me that I'm a thousand times better than she is, but that doesn't stop the occasional unhappy thoughts. I look at her, and yes, because he's tried so valiantly, I now know for a fact that I'm better than her, in every single way. I guess I should learn to forgive her for the way she treated him, because all she left me was a guy who's so much more mature, and so much more understanding than he ever was to her in the past. I should be studying, I know, but such thoughts sometimes creep one when one least expects it. Whatever it is, I know I did the right thing, because somehow, I've managed to tell myself truthfully that she doesn't mean a thing in his life now. 

So what if she's got 60 likes on her photo? That doesn't mean anything. It only breeds narcissism. And with what little knowledge I have of her, I'm not out to defame her, nor am I to judge her for her ill actions of the past. If it wasn't for his constant valiant attempts to tell me I'm way better, I probably wouldn't be in the secure state I am in today. I'm happy. 

Recently, I read this article whereby this lady was so obsessed over the number of likes/comments she got on Facebook when she posted pictures or shared status updates. This eventually began to affect her social life as she felt that with more than 400 friends on facebook, at least SOME should comment on her statuses/ like them, at the very least.

I remember sharing her experience once. The amount of likes/ comments that I received from my friends on photos or status updates was something that could, literally, make me like a person more, just because he/she liked a status of mine, or commented on it.

That's what set me thinking. Facebook, and along with its menaces of addiction, such as resulting in facebook being a time-waster and losing precious working hours because one is so addicted to facebook has long been a hotly debated topic- possibly on the verge of being cliche. But perhaps I'd like to look at the menaces facebook offers not so much as an economic disadvantage, but rather, a social one.

I think Facebook runs on a very different social code from that of real life. Limitations of the internet result in one action having many different meanings. While on the surface, it looks fairly simple- share a photo, tell your friends what's happening to you, but perhaps it's the implications that underlie it that matter more. Liking 'liking' a photo, for example. Maybe that person truly 'likes' what you post. Maybe he thinks it's funny. Or the contrary- maybe he thinks it's ridiculous or stupid. The list goes on. And when we actually start to decipher the different meanings as to why someone likes a photo, posts a comment or merely ignores whatever you've posted, I think that's when Facebook actually becomes menacing. When we're obsessed with gaining validation not from real life, but via the internet. When it becomes a cause for concern- when we benchmark our social lives based on interactions on Facebook,  of all things.

That's why I believe otherwise- I think that having someone 'like' your photo isn't a big deal. A photo of 2 supposedly hot girls get a thousand likes? Big deal. A mundane status update/photo (which sometimes borders on the verge of appearing narcissistic) which gets 20/30 likes? Right, so people are just that superficial. And sometimes, having 20-30 likes could be a greater source of concern- why are people even liking my photo in the first place? They're laughing not with me, but AT me? More worries. Having true, proper friends are perhaps a much better social validation than anything facebook could ever offer, if at all.

The lady.

I hear people all around me saying, " Oh noooo my boyfriend hasn't texted me for 3 hours! What do I do, does he love me anymore? " Or things like, " I haven't seen my boyfriend for one whole day my life  is going to end! :(( "

 

You think not seeing him for a day is hard? Look at my situation. I'm the girlfriend of an army boy. Whose guy is serving in the SAF and - get this straight- not even in places like Tekong, whereby there's still a reasonable amount of welfare. He's in 1SIR. A rifleman. The lowest rung in the army. I'll leave you to figure out the type of welfare he's given yourself. 

I don't see him every day, only once a week, and that's already a privilege granted that confinement may occur anytime. Each week, I'm praying and hoping that when Friday comes, I won't receive his call, saying, " dear, I'm confined this week. Sorry." but rather, " I can't wait to see you tomorrow!" I have to 'man up' to the situation that in the very near future I'll have to go for a week without talking to him, let alone seeing him, or even 2 to 3 weeks overseas whereby he won't get to speak with me at all. 

NS doesn't just toughen up the guys. It toughens the girls too, by making them confront a situation that,at 18 years, should still be fairly premature. Having a relationship while in the army is a very risky thing. It's a make or break situation, whereby both partners weather the storm together and ultimately survive, or break off because the situation of a stay-in unit is too much to handle. 

The latter is the situation I fear will happen to the couples who are simply unable to go for days without seeing each other. The constant fear that ' my guy will leave me just because he hasn't spoken to me for a day' is the one thing that will kill a relationship in NS, because whatever it may be, there will definitely be days whereby he won't be able to speak to you, the girlfriend. Then what? 

I guess that's what they mean by NS is the 'greatest test of a relationship'. I can see it now, and I can see why. Not everyone is going to make it. And especially for people like me, who's boyfriends are in the infantry, it's even worse. I'm not going to say that a relationship grows stronger because it's been put to the test so often. I'm going to say that it's simply because these tests force both to grow up, and if the rate at which they grow up is faster than the challenges, the relationship's going to last. Somehow. 

Good luck to all those out there who're facing the same situation as I am. Make it or break it, you decide. 

I remember how I posted something about learning how to live as an army girlfriend 5 days into his enlistment sometime back. Guess what? Come this Saturday, it would have been a month. A whole month of NS.
Time seems to pass really quickly for me out here, and in a way, I like this new routine because living in the midst of my A level preparations, time passes quicker than normal, which would also mean that time for him would pass equally as quickly.

I miss the times we could just meet up anywhere, anytime, and as and when we felt like it. It's the one thing that I really miss, and that's the one thing I hate the most about him being in there. The fact that we have limited time to see each other and spend time with each other.

I guess that also accounts for the fact that we've both become much more independent now. I miss him still, and no less- but I'm coping with his absence. With a few texts a day and a call, and that's only because it's the PTP stage. BMT will be a whole different story altogether, or so I hear from what he's told me so far, but honestly, the fact that we've lived through one whole month of NS without major upheavals in our relationship probably proves that our relationship really has something solid in it this time. And when my A levels come, I'll face this one with even more independence, because that will be a trying period for both of us.

It's rare to finally find someone with the same ideals as I do, and honestly, I think you can guess from the way I'm being so open about it, that I'm becoming more lax with stealth mode. It's more like semi-stealth mode now, seeing as more and more people are getting to know of this, and contrary to what we originally thought, people aren't judging us, but are rather, happy for us. Which is a strange, but very relieving situation indeed. Though I suppose I can't really rest on my laurels- there are people out there who'll still judge, because through some warped mindset or other they derive happiness from seeing others in misery. JC has a lot of that. High school drama, even though we're supposed to be acting like adults. Some people just don't ever grow up.

That aside, I'd say, judge all you want, because I'm leaving this place. I'm leaving this college, and don't get me wrong, I don't hate CJ. I've met some really true friends in this place and I'll be sad to have to go separate ways. It's just the gossip, scandalous parts of CJ that I really hate- because there are so few people who are actually mature enough to act their age. Most people act otherwise, judging, gossiping and spreading untrue scandals and tales. If I were given the option, there should be a division by maturity, and not by age.

Alright, enough about CJ. I don't want to defame CJ, because, as I said previously, I love the friends I have met in there and I like the place. In fact, I even met him there, back then before he left CJ. As a recruit now, life is very different, but as always, there'll be different phases of our lives, and with it, different and perhaps tougher challenges. It's how we learn to adapt.

I remember how I started off a countdown to As early on this year. A whole year more to go, I thought.

And suddenly, it's 32 days to As. This isn't even a joke anymore.
I've never felt so much stress. Never.
(I'm on the verge of breaking down as I'm typing this. )
There's ELL, Geog, and Literature, with H1 math.
The very few subjects (with the exception of math) that I was so confident of passing when I first stepped into CJC and donned the light blue uniform. I was carefree, hopeful, and vocal.

How things have changed. I'm downcast, and hope? What hope is there left? I'd actually go as far as saying that only divine intervention would enable me to make it past this As, because as of status quo, I am NOT. GETTING. ANYWHERE.

I remember back in Sec4 when my form teacher told us that we weren't cut out of JC. I believe her now. A tad too late, a vast understatement. I didn't even think it would be that different. Now I'm running to the library to borrow linguistic book after book because that's what I think is going to save me. Written, spoken, multimodal texts. Significant linguistic features. Grammer, cohesion, morphology. Discourse managing strategies, non-fluency features. Paper 2- debates with regard to the English language. Is it possible to have English as a global language? How will that affect the linguistic diversity both between varieties of the English Language and between different languages? Will they converge or diverge? How about the internet, and the convergence towards using a specific variety of the English language as a lingua franca? New Englishes, Standard English ( Std American English) and it's non-standard variety (Ebonics or 'Black African American English?)What are the features of these varieties of the English Language in terms of lexis, syntax, grammar and discourse?

Confused yet? Yeah. That's only a drop in the ocean. I'm having a splitting headache now.

To all my poly friends, you might see me in poly next year. Beginning the year as a freshie.
OKAY NO JULYN NO. DO NOT THINK OF ALTERNATIVES NOW. IT IS ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL YOU DON'T.

I feel like snapping. I'm snapping almost every single night on the phone while talking to him. And he's in NS now. Doubly worse that he can't be physically here with me. But I know I'll pull through. Perhaps I'd say that this relationship was the best thing that happened this year. Poor him, though. I feel bad having to put him through comforting me almost every night because of this emotional rut I'm stuck in.

I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, with all the teachers and all the consultations I have in line, plus the mock exams. I'm sounding terribly whiny now but I can't help it.

I want to cry, I want to turn my back on all this examinations and shit and lie back and watch the clouds.
But I can't. I got to keep moving forward. Keep pushing.
Time to head back to doing my Geog essay. Propeties of limestone rocks and it's vulnerability to weathering, here I come.