Antithesis

Alone. 'Struggling alone.'

That's what Miss Hang, my geog teacher told me, when she pulled me aside yesterday after class because she said I 'looked like I was about to explode'. 

I didn't think much of it till much later. But somehow, I believe her now. She's the only one who's hit the nail so far. Which is, I don't know, strange? Because, perhaps she's right. I am stressed. I am struggling. And I don't show anyone that I'm struggling because no one cares. Not many, I mean. 

Miss Hang also said she said she was a 'stalker'. Finding more about me to make sure I'm alright. And strangely, even though she said she was, I didn't think it was anything wrong, either. I'm intensely touched, in fact. It's rare to find a teacher like her, and even more rare to find one who doesn't try to find things out for the sake of academic studies.

Then again, I could be making large, sweeping statements that may not be true, even. I could be merely overthinking the whole 'caring' bit. But something about what she said was sincere, too genuine to be fake. ( is that possible? )Sure, she found the right words for the dead, anxious feeling I've been carrying around with me for so long, However, sometimes I don't even know if I'm truly dead, or truly anxious, even. 

A bit antithetic, no? I'm carrying 2 very different identities, 2 very different moods, 2 very different personas. The best part is, I know exactly which one is the right one. But is it right because it truly is right, or because I have to make it right? That, I believe, still needs a great deal of figuring out. Maybe I am the sad, alone struggling person Miss Hang described me to be. Or maybe I'm the happy, hyper and outgoing individual that I portray only to my special friends?

I don't know. And the thing is, I probably will never know. It's not that I have an identity crisis. But more a case of knowing how and when to be the 'right' person for a particular scenario? Is that 'right' person the person I want to be? 

Whatever the reason, I don't intend to find out now. I don't have the time to. And as far as Miss Hang is concerned, I'm not giving up on Geog. I have not, am not and will not give up on Geog. 

I can't afford to disappoint her again. Or more importantly, myself.

And even if I'm struggling to make sure I don't disappoint anyone, I know one thing for sure. And that is- I will be just fine.

If you believe in something long enough, one day, it might actually come true.

I will be just fine.