Just a short post here.

And I know any guy who sees this post will laugh, but there are times where I really feel like I should have signed on. Except for one problem. If it wasn't for the fact that I'll have to serve 5 years, I would.
Really. 

Who needs flowers?

Happy Total Defence Day!

Hah. I'm just so tired of everyone going Happy Valentine's Day so yes, here's to something not so mainstream. ( On that note, today was indeed Total Defence Day)

None the less, its still time to jump on the Valentine's Day bandwagon (so much for trying to be non-mainstream). 

It's coming close to 2 years since we first got together. Our story of how we started getting close because he fixed my GC for me when I was panicking before my math exam was a story that most already know. As for the lesser known story, I used to stick black tape on his arms in order to attempt to wake him up as he often fell asleep in class next to me. The teacher used to threaten that if I didn't wake him up, I'd get into trouble as well, and being a good, unassuming JC kid back then I actually thought up of ways to wake him up, hence the black tape. Not that it worked though, because he still slept through it. 

In any case, I'm glad to have you. The care that you show me when you're worried about me, though harsh, is sincere, and that's what matters. Army has taught me to admire your resilience, and you're streetsmart in a way that I know I can never be. I wish I had your skill of reading quickly, because it would come in extremely useful for my course. Heh. 

In any case, most of what I want to say has been conveyed to you already, either in person or through the letter I wrote to you. I'm glad for you. Really. 

Spend most of our night walking around looking for a place to eat which wasn't crowded (I swear, everywhere had a queue). I guess its our fault for not reserving a table haha, and I can't blame him for not reserving one because he was outfield the whole week :((  I was perfectly find settling with hawker food, but then we found a place at Pastamania and there wasn't a queue! (: That was more than what I expected to begin with anyway, so I was honestly happy with the pasta and the brownies(: 

And here's some red velvets he bought from Twelvecupcakes. Shared them for breakfast the next day when he came over. 

And that was the end of our Valentine's day. Thanks for the sweet stuffed animal you gave me (It's much more lasting than roses yay) and who needs flowers anyway? Too conventional. 

For that matter, let's just stick to celebrating Valentine's day a day before or a day after. Friday night+Valentine's day +last day of Chinese New Year is definitely a recipe for disastrous dinner attempt :P 

" The fact that you're here with us today means that the professors who have interviewed you have found something special, something outstanding about your thinking, and that your opinion is indeed of quality. They want to hear from you. " - Priscilla, 1st day of Year 1, Sem 1, 5th August 2013.

Fast forward a few months later, and I honestly can't help doubting her words. What is so valuable about me, and what quality can I offer the class? Am I even good enough to mildy be able to contribute anything of some worth to the class? The encouragement is wearing off. Maybe it's because I'm just particularly pensive tonight, but sometimes I feel that I'm just.. not good enough. I'm not good enough for my friends, that they're all above me, and that I'm of no fight. Sometimes I try to psych myself into thinking otherwise, because I know that when you tell people you're of no standard long enough, one day they will believe it.

I'm worried that some people are actually believing it now. That I'm not good enough. That's I'm of no standard. Nothing to them. No fight. But why? Can I actually do it? Are my thoughts actually worthy? Why do I feel so superficial compared to them, or am I just criticising myself too harshly?
I keep thinking, I can't, I just can't. Sometimes the feeling is so great it actually crushes me under its weight. I don't even want to fight it, but I have no choice. I have to, I need to , prove to myself that I can do it, that I'm not stupid. Prove it to myself, maybe, then others will begin to realise that as well.

But I'm not brilliant. Or am I just refusing to see it? I don't know.
I don't have any answers.
Only the one answer that Priscilla gave on the first day. 

I rarely post photos of myself, so why not? 

I miss those days though. This photo was taken before semester started and I was, well, a lot happier. 

Can't wait for such days again. 

Why did I choose to present on the Book of Job. This is such a difficult book to present on. Not just difficult because of its depth, but also because I need to believe that what I'm saying is utter nonsense- religiously. But how do I argue a case when half the time my mind is telling me that I'm not speaking the truth, that I do not believe in what I say? That's going to come out somehow, in my presentation. And I don't want that to happen.
And as usual before I present or do anything that usually sparks fear, I pray. But how do I gather the courage to pray when I'm presenting on the negligence of God and the evil that God has let populate the world? Or better still, how do I explain the concept of sin without bringing all my Christian ideals in? Is it even possible?
How do I even begin searching for divine intervention for this, or should I?