It happens.
All over again.
In a way, I expected it. I expected change, I expected that there would be that inevitable character switch.
In a way, this is the greatest test for one's character. It reveals who you truly are, right down to the core. And I'm glad for this switch. I mean, having a friend means knowing the person through and through, and when the person's frivolities have been stripped away, that's when you know your friend best. What doesn't change after going through all that depicts the core of your character.
But in a way, I'm sad to see the change. You could say that its just a piqued interested in another phase of life, but I'm a sentimental person, and I miss the days before all this happened. Before you spent the last 5 days in camp, and before we could talk and laugh about anything without having our conversations ripped apart with words like 'I'm tired', or 'camp', or anything, just anything that has to do with comparing my life with yours. I hate the last one, I really do. I hate it when no one acknowledges the stress we undergraduates go through as well. Yes its a different kind of strain, but its a strain nonetheless, no? I'm stressed and I haven't slept and I'm tired, and you rebut with 'yeah I haven't slept for xxx number of hours'. Sometimes it hurts to hear this comparison. It's an angry, primal form of hurt, whereby I'm annoyed because you think I'm inferior to you. You want me to pity you, to feel sympathy, but I cannot do so while you continue to compare our lives. Somehow or other, your entry into manhood - I hope I can call it manhood- has somehow disoriented me a little. Where once I was sympathetic and kind , I am now jealous and resentful, wishing I had a life that was worse than yours. And where I could one talk about anything under the sun with you I now feel fearful that something you say might annoy me.
Which brings me to another point. Human minds, they say, are one. At least within a single individual. But sometimes I look upon myself at those moments where I'm about to get annoyed and I realise, some part of me fears getting annoyed. Some part of me goes , 'no, don't talk about this, you know you'll be upset at it, and I'm fearful of this annoyance.' Such conflict. But I don't deny that eventually one side prevails- usually its the side which loves getting annoyed. And I do. All over again. Maybe its because I'm jealous of the attention you're getting. Maybe its because of the frustration at being unable to understand. Maybe it's because of my fear of slipping back into anorexia again. All those worries. And it distorts my logic.
Maybe it's this distortion which causes me to miss the old you. To crave the old you that you no longer are, even as the new you is undergoing change that will make you a man- I hope. But those old days are gone now, and life moves on. I will change too, perhaps, as I make my way through these 4, draining years.
What do I do? I shall accept. I shall accept. I shall accept.
All over again.
In a way, I expected it. I expected change, I expected that there would be that inevitable character switch.
In a way, this is the greatest test for one's character. It reveals who you truly are, right down to the core. And I'm glad for this switch. I mean, having a friend means knowing the person through and through, and when the person's frivolities have been stripped away, that's when you know your friend best. What doesn't change after going through all that depicts the core of your character.
But in a way, I'm sad to see the change. You could say that its just a piqued interested in another phase of life, but I'm a sentimental person, and I miss the days before all this happened. Before you spent the last 5 days in camp, and before we could talk and laugh about anything without having our conversations ripped apart with words like 'I'm tired', or 'camp', or anything, just anything that has to do with comparing my life with yours. I hate the last one, I really do. I hate it when no one acknowledges the stress we undergraduates go through as well. Yes its a different kind of strain, but its a strain nonetheless, no? I'm stressed and I haven't slept and I'm tired, and you rebut with 'yeah I haven't slept for xxx number of hours'. Sometimes it hurts to hear this comparison. It's an angry, primal form of hurt, whereby I'm annoyed because you think I'm inferior to you. You want me to pity you, to feel sympathy, but I cannot do so while you continue to compare our lives. Somehow or other, your entry into manhood - I hope I can call it manhood- has somehow disoriented me a little. Where once I was sympathetic and kind , I am now jealous and resentful, wishing I had a life that was worse than yours. And where I could one talk about anything under the sun with you I now feel fearful that something you say might annoy me.
Which brings me to another point. Human minds, they say, are one. At least within a single individual. But sometimes I look upon myself at those moments where I'm about to get annoyed and I realise, some part of me fears getting annoyed. Some part of me goes , 'no, don't talk about this, you know you'll be upset at it, and I'm fearful of this annoyance.' Such conflict. But I don't deny that eventually one side prevails- usually its the side which loves getting annoyed. And I do. All over again. Maybe its because I'm jealous of the attention you're getting. Maybe its because of the frustration at being unable to understand. Maybe it's because of my fear of slipping back into anorexia again. All those worries. And it distorts my logic.
Maybe it's this distortion which causes me to miss the old you. To crave the old you that you no longer are, even as the new you is undergoing change that will make you a man- I hope. But those old days are gone now, and life moves on. I will change too, perhaps, as I make my way through these 4, draining years.
What do I do? I shall accept. I shall accept. I shall accept.
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