I honestly hate how I cannot seem to love myself.
I don't. I do the worst things to harm myself, and it makes me happy. If I don't sleep and others tell me that I need rest and tell me so, I will relish the attention and it's back to torturing myself. The same goes with eating or with anything that is basically a human function. I deprive myself of it till I'm sick and out and down and I don't know why.
Maybe I need to love myself first. Maybe I need to be alone first. Love myself when no one else loves me- only then I will learn? I don't know.
I'm crying typing this out.
So many people care for me. Yet I can't reciprocate, I'm stuck in this glass dome where I can't reach out and touch the lives of others who are caring for me. Chu cares a lot for me but I don't know how to reciprocate. So does my best bro friend. But I can't do anything. Maybe Chu yes, because I'm simply sick of torturing myself in front of him. But not for my friend. It's like I lose all ability to care for myself when someone cares for me.
I can't care unconditionally, and I don't know how to care. I can't stand it and I hate myself for this so badly.
I don't even know myself and I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I don't get it. Is it a psychological condition? I don't know. I don't even dare to find out.
F.M.L. I swear.
I mean, I have a good understanding of what I am and who I am and what matters to me, but I just can't love.
I don't know how to care for my own physical needs. I'm 19, and I don't know.
What's this.
I got this off a website - "

• Learning to take loving action for yourself regarding your emotional and physical health, your financial health, your time and space and your interactions with others." 

I can easily say I don't do any of that. I put others before myself, I don't do a good job caring for my physical health (the number of times I've already crossed the boundaries is more than telling), and as for time and space and interactions with others, well, I'm "chameleon-istic" in nature, I just adapt. To others. Does that mean I'm not certain of myself? I'm not sure. 

In any case, if anything, yes I will begin to prioritise myself first. Just because my friend wants a shopping buddy to hang out with doesn't mean I can't say no. Or- classic- if I have exams, I can choose not to go to church because I need to study. 

Why do I hate myself so much? I'm my worst enemy- I never even hate anyone as much as I do myself- well maybe except Chu's ex girlfriend- but that aside, yes, I don't. I wish myself the worst, judge, look down and hurt myself. And I never do that to anyone else, because I'm hoping that others will give me the affirmation I need. But it can't be done, right? I have to affirm myself, right?

On another note, I've taken to spamming myself with water when I'm stressed. Which you could say is a good thing.