If there's one thing I cannot understand, its people who cannot appreciate silence. Who find an incessant need for conversation even where conversation appears unnecessary or worse still, inappropriate. Perhaps my introverted nature has influenced my thinking, because I think that silence is the best time for self reflection. Not the mundane, trivial, everyday occurrences, but about how we seek to live life, what we hope to achieve and why we are doing this particular thing during this particular phase of life. The reflection I find that comes with silence, and only silence, allows us to realign our priorities and fixate ourselves on what we first set out to achieve. These silent reflections have allowed me to realise that I deviate a lot from my goals. Without having a direction for thought, my mind simply drifts, and I find myself veering towards thoughts that hinder on the questioning of my own purpose, what I am doing, for example, with this course in Literature, and what I hope to achieve from it. It is possibly also this silence that I realise that our minds deceive us into obtaining a lesser goal which we believe has as much potential as the greater, original goal we first intended. Silence has allowed me to realise that due to my own weakness of the mind, I don't have the courage to pursue to dream I first intended- the greater, original goal I wanted.

If anything, a person who takes pleasure in constant chatter is depriving himself a chance at self reflection, whereby the need for talk has, in fact, tricked the mind into accepting that peace is elevated during chatter, that the exchange of words and thoughts in fact help one to identify with himself and find his true goals. But I disagree, not because I disrespect these people, but because I think that by sharing goals and thoughts with someone, we become confused as to what our goals- the untainted, purest form of the goals that crystalise when we self-reflect- are, as they intermingle and mix with the desires and wants of others. What becomes ours, becomes theirs, and what we wholeheartedly wanted, originally, and for ourselves, is lost in the process. Sometimes the losing of our intimate goals is not just because of the intermingling that occurs during conversation, but also because I think that our desires and thoughts are not always meant to be translated into words, and meaning is lost when attempting to communicate it to another. The perils of a conversation- what these people who indulge in constant chatter do not realise they are losing. Because there comes a time where words cannot express our desires, where words hinder our ability to hold on to those pure, untainted goals we first had. Where the attempt to reconfigure those thoughts into words would ultimately result in the ruination and corruption of our personal dreams. 

I honestly hate how I cannot seem to love myself.
I don't. I do the worst things to harm myself, and it makes me happy. If I don't sleep and others tell me that I need rest and tell me so, I will relish the attention and it's back to torturing myself. The same goes with eating or with anything that is basically a human function. I deprive myself of it till I'm sick and out and down and I don't know why.
Maybe I need to love myself first. Maybe I need to be alone first. Love myself when no one else loves me- only then I will learn? I don't know.
I'm crying typing this out.
So many people care for me. Yet I can't reciprocate, I'm stuck in this glass dome where I can't reach out and touch the lives of others who are caring for me. Chu cares a lot for me but I don't know how to reciprocate. So does my best bro friend. But I can't do anything. Maybe Chu yes, because I'm simply sick of torturing myself in front of him. But not for my friend. It's like I lose all ability to care for myself when someone cares for me.
I can't care unconditionally, and I don't know how to care. I can't stand it and I hate myself for this so badly.
I don't even know myself and I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I don't get it. Is it a psychological condition? I don't know. I don't even dare to find out.
F.M.L. I swear.
I mean, I have a good understanding of what I am and who I am and what matters to me, but I just can't love.
I don't know how to care for my own physical needs. I'm 19, and I don't know.
What's this.
I got this off a website - "

• Learning to take loving action for yourself regarding your emotional and physical health, your financial health, your time and space and your interactions with others." 

I can easily say I don't do any of that. I put others before myself, I don't do a good job caring for my physical health (the number of times I've already crossed the boundaries is more than telling), and as for time and space and interactions with others, well, I'm "chameleon-istic" in nature, I just adapt. To others. Does that mean I'm not certain of myself? I'm not sure. 

In any case, if anything, yes I will begin to prioritise myself first. Just because my friend wants a shopping buddy to hang out with doesn't mean I can't say no. Or- classic- if I have exams, I can choose not to go to church because I need to study. 

Why do I hate myself so much? I'm my worst enemy- I never even hate anyone as much as I do myself- well maybe except Chu's ex girlfriend- but that aside, yes, I don't. I wish myself the worst, judge, look down and hurt myself. And I never do that to anyone else, because I'm hoping that others will give me the affirmation I need. But it can't be done, right? I have to affirm myself, right?

On another note, I've taken to spamming myself with water when I'm stressed. Which you could say is a good thing.

So much hurt.
I thought you'd have gotten over it.
I did everything I could for you.
And it's not enough.

It's my fault, I guess. I failed.
I stripped away every single bit of my dignity and it still failed.
It's not easy to strip everything away like that. I'm trusting you not to misuse it. I hope my trust isn't misplaced.
Maybe I'm too naive. Or just too damn nice for my own good.
Either way, no one's going to look at it that way. It's all about you, and to you, I've failed. Despite all that I always try to do and have done, I've failed.
At the end of the day, I'm wrong, and you're right. As always.

Let it be then.

So yesterday was a depressing day. In summary, I 

1. realise that SO MUCH for female gamers being encouraged and recognised. Really. 

2. I got my essay back. And went to eat ice cream to cheer myself up after that.

3. I have 2 papers to complete by monday. And I am still blogging. Great.

1. I don't know what's with the chauvinistic male gamers that look down on female ones. It started off with a pair work presentation on reviews ( we picked a game review) we were supposed to present yesterday and my partner fell ill. I don't blame him, he was genuinely sick. But that means that I had to present alone, or find a substitute last minute. I entered class and found out that this other guy was presenting on a game review as well. I was happy, because I thought that he'd be willing to team up with me seeing as we were both doing game reviews anyway. Turns out otherwise, of course. When I asked him if he wanted to pair up he said 'no, go and die. " My reaction was completely... Okay what? Because it was a genuine question I asked him. He went on to say ,"No way I'm never presenting with a girl. I'm chauvinistic like that. You want to do a game review, I'll show you what a real game review is'. 

Thanks man. Or rather, thanks and eff you very much. I don't need your attitude, and I don't need you to show me anything about a game review. I can't believe I still managed to laugh it off as nothing then and even joked with him about other things after. Couple of my friends called him a jerk and a jackass though. I guess that means the hurt I feel is justified. In any case, I still applaud myself for keeping my temper with him. 

And so much for males applauding girls who play. This is probably the first true test of whether or not I really like gaming and I do. Despite whatever guys say about us. 

2. On a better note, I did fairly well for my research paper, considering that I thought I was going to fail miserably. I still went to eat ice cream with a couple of my close friends because we all thought that ice cream would take our minds off things a little. 

3. I'm stressed to snapping. I can't even believe I'm stuck doing this because I feel like I'm drinking from a water hose. There's so many things to do just talking about it makes me want to scream and yell and go crazy and cry. Why. 

It happens.
All over again.
In a way, I expected it. I expected change, I expected that there would be that inevitable character switch.
In a way, this is the greatest test for one's character. It reveals who you truly are, right down to the core. And I'm glad for this switch. I mean, having a friend means knowing the person through and through, and when the person's frivolities have been stripped away, that's when you know your friend best. What doesn't change after going through all that depicts the core of your character.

But in a way, I'm sad to see the change. You could say that its just a piqued interested in another phase of life, but I'm a sentimental person, and I miss the days before all this happened. Before you spent the last 5 days in camp, and before we could talk and laugh about anything without having our conversations ripped apart with words like 'I'm tired', or 'camp', or anything, just anything that has to do with comparing my life with yours. I hate the last one, I really do. I hate it when no one acknowledges the stress we undergraduates go through as well. Yes its a different kind of strain, but its a strain nonetheless, no? I'm stressed and I haven't slept and I'm tired, and you rebut with 'yeah I haven't slept for xxx number of hours'. Sometimes it hurts to hear this comparison. It's an angry, primal form of hurt, whereby I'm annoyed because you think I'm inferior to you. You want me to pity you, to feel sympathy, but I cannot do so while you continue to compare our lives. Somehow or other, your entry into manhood - I hope I can call it manhood- has somehow disoriented me a little. Where once I was sympathetic and kind , I am now jealous and resentful, wishing I had a life that was worse than yours. And where I could one talk about anything under the sun with you I now feel fearful that something you say might annoy me.

Which brings me to another point. Human minds, they say, are one. At least within a single individual. But sometimes I look upon myself at those moments where I'm about to get annoyed and I realise, some part of me fears getting annoyed. Some part of me goes , 'no, don't talk about this, you know you'll be upset at it, and I'm fearful of this annoyance.' Such conflict. But I don't deny that eventually one side prevails- usually its the side which loves getting annoyed. And I do. All over again. Maybe its because I'm jealous of the attention you're getting. Maybe its because of the frustration at being unable to understand. Maybe it's because of my fear of slipping back into anorexia again. All those worries. And it distorts my logic.

Maybe it's this distortion which causes me to miss the old you. To crave the old you that you no longer are, even as the new you is undergoing change that will make you a man- I hope. But those old days are gone now, and life moves on. I will change too, perhaps, as I make my way through these 4, draining years.
What do I do? I shall accept. I shall accept. I shall accept.