Of yesterdays.

3 more hours till I become legal to drink and drive ( NO, not simultaneously). Yay, I'm 18. Or going to be in 3 hours time.

It's a strange feeling really. No, I wouldn't say that it's anything different from what I've been feeling most years ( because all that physically changes is another candle to the cake) but more a different sense of responsibility, I guess?

This is probably a mere dress rehearsal to the day I eventually hit the legal adult age of 21. But then again, with liberties granted and perhaps a equally liberated sense of freedom, it's a whole new world out there still waiting to be tackled. I mean think about it- in the past 17 years of my life, I've made mistakes- a whole lot of mistakes that cannot be erased. I've hurt, been hurt, and somehow ( in a rather misguided way now, I must imagine) managed to pick myself up, learn from the mistakes and carry on with life. Without so much as breaking a bone. Somehow.

I guess you can count me lucky for not having suffered anything serious( and by that, I don't mean just physical injury) now that I think about it, but back then, each mistake felt like it was the last straw. But there's always something bigger, isn't it? There's always something that makes you want to carry on, despite the hurt and the pain. And in my case, there's more than just one thing. I've had my friends, who tirelessly kick me out my misery and nudge the truth into me each time I lag behind. I've had my closest friend as a bastion to cheer up me when I'm down and (sometimes even painfully) slap the truth into my when I need it the most, despite the fact that there are times we share common and simple joys.

And it is to this friend that I say perhaps, the greatest thank you. You've allowed me to grow into the person I am today. How so, that, I shall only leave you to decide because that isn't something that I should say- I'm no good judge of my own growth. But all that aside, thank you for just being there, and for being my bastion. No person has ever reached this level, whereby I can trust you wholeheartedly with anything I say, and someone who wouldn't judge me even if I told you I like to dance around the room in a bikini at 2am in the morning ( not that I do, of course). But yeah, it's an amazing feeling to have found someone I can almost consider a kindred spirit, someone whom I'm totally unafraid of expressing my true emotions in front of, and someone whom I can say, with absolute certainty, that we'll remain the best of friends for a long, long time.

2 and a half hours more. I guess I should be ready to tackle and handle the world it needs to be handled. Even if it's possibly going to be a new experience. 

And again, my day would have been a lethargic one had it not been for the fantastic time I spent both productively (reading through my ELL notes) and fruitfully :)

It's times like this where I've never felt happier. It's like living a dream, except that this time, it's reality.

Okay, back to Binomial Distribution. Pssh. 

I have a million thoughts, but no words to express them.

I'm frustrated and I'm pissed and I'm not going to speak.
Because that's me. I've been brought up that way. Do not ask for help. Do not ask for any damned thing because you're not going to get it, anyway.
That's part of my character.
Because I think that offering help is more sincere than having to ask for it.

I feel like crying even though I have no idea why.

I think I should calm the hell down before I try talking to anyone. 

Things I have to complete+ a little encouragement.

( in no order of importance)
- File my ELL notes (this, I predict, will take a considerable amount of time. Considering that I have notes all the way from last year. If I even want to consider doing remotely well in ELL, I better start quickly. )

- Study for the Geog test coming up next Tuesday. ( You CANNOT afford to disappoint Miss Hang again. Or Mr Low. They've done so much for you, the least you can do is to work your best.)

- Practise math questions. ( Well, this, I attribute not so much to my math tutor in school but to my tuition teacher. It's hard earned money each lesson. Don't waste it. )

- Get help for GP. How? By reattempting sections of the compre paper you KNOW you shouldn't be losing marks in, ie. The summary. As for the essay, well that, you can use the formula that's been given to you.

-DO NOT BE AFFECTED BY SML'S YOWLING. This is exceptionally important. SML will continue to yell even closer to the As, and the last thing you need is a mental breakdown, especially when there's going to be less of a moral support and cheering up. You've got to learn to cheer yourself up.

- Balance your time. I don't think this needs further elaboration.

- Continue to be happy and cheerful even after the 1st week of September. Yes it's going to be hard. Yes you're gonna feel lethargic and miss. Thing is, 1. The camp is still in Singapore, on the main island, 2. 1 text/call a day, or even less than that, is perfectly fine for so little time. 3. There's so much trust that you know it's gonna be okay. A true friendship is when 2 people don't text/call each other everyday, and yet still know that their friendship is still as strong as ever, and still know better than to question that friendship.

- Be there as a rubber mat; bounces off, and yet absorbs the bouncing. ( analogy)

In fact I think when it comes to my mental health, the last 2 are the most important and most precious to me. The things that keep me the happiest I've ever been, as well as keeping me sane.

Oh and a side note; Remember what Deborah, Courtney, Nat and Vi said to you in break today. " Ju, I think you're the most hardworking of all of us. In fact, I think when it comes to content, you know way more than all of us here because you actually mug. The problem is the extraction of this information and slotting them into the right places. Because Ju, you're most certainly not lacking in brains, and neither are you lacking in vocabulary. You have an impressive vocab and all you need to do is to make use of it. Extract it the right way. Put the big concepts into a mindmap. And you'll get there. We have faith in you. If you need help or are unsure of whether you're on the right track, come to us. We're here for you. Nat and Courtney want to help you. Because unlike the other insolent ones in class, you're trying. And honestly, you have the right attitude Ju. Even the effort is there. We can all see it. And again, you're trying. That's admirable. And that's the most important thing of all."

I can safely say I've never been more touched by what my classmates have said to me all my 2 years of life. I actually have a renewed sense of hope now.

I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Something so rare has been found, and I've never felt more genuine in my whole life. 

I'm amazed. I'm utterly delighted. 

To think I've found something I spent so long searching for. 

It's an amazing feeling. 

Veneer

This is a section of a play that I'm studying, Top Girls.
Win: So why are you making a change?
Louise: Other people make changes.
Win: But why are you, now, after spending most of your life in one place?
Louise: There you are, I've lived for that company, I've given my life really you could say because I haven't had a great deal of social life...I've built a department...And I feel I'm stuck there. I've spent twenty years in middle management...Nobody notices me, I don't expect it, I don't attract attention by making mistakes, everybody takes it for granted that my work is perfect. They will notice me when I go.

I'm starting to feel that there's no use trying so hard. I don't get anywhere. I'm stuck here, like Louise. Except that I'm not even as far as having 'built a department', and that I don't make 'perfect' work. I do what I can and the best part is, sometimes it's just not enough. I've tried, and I've failed, and I've tried again, and I feel stuck. Stuck somewhere where I can't move up, only down. Like I'm continously running on a treadmill of exams, tests and work and I can't go anywhere. I'm not moving up.

I don't know whether it's just me, but I think, I THINK I had a mental breakdown last night. I don't even remember anything. I was perfectly normal, still talking normally and even laughing after having had a good day out yesterday. I was really happy back in the day but at night I don't know what happened. I looked at my work ( which isn't even as much as compared to my friends who haven't even started, some of them) and just started crying. I haven't actually done so over work in quite a long time, so I guess that shocked me as well. But I don't even know why. I think about those friends whom I'm going to competing against and just ask myself, why, why did I even choose this path? Why did I think I wanted to fight with people who were not my calibre ( because they were better than that?)

I feel like tossing a whole string of vulgarities here but that's not my thing. Whatever la. And honestly, why the hell am I whining?Who am I to get upset over this? Time to just shut up and live life, wherever it takes me.

Lesson learnt: Never ever take panadol on an empty stomach. It doesn't work and only serves to aggravate the problem. Or the pain.
The cramps are killing me. I feel crazily nauseas, but I think my body is wired not to puke. I haven't done so for years and years now so the way I see it, nothing is ever going to make me do so.
All I feel like is fainting.
I should also stop whining about this because half the world has to go through it as well.
I'm going to put off doing math homework for a while. 

A game of Sims.

I upgraded my entire blog and now it looks... strange. New, even. But the thing is, It's kind of symbolic as well. Almost like how I'm leaving my childhood behind ( dayum, I should have changed the skin the day I turned 18)even as I'm not technically an adult yet. But I guess I will be this year, so it suppose the timing's rather appropriate.

Anyway, back to the symbolism ( I think I've had a lit overdose)- I think there's a lot that can be said about the significant switch in things, the colour scheme, the designs, even the title and its description. It's a rather odd feeling but I miss the old theme a little, the cartoon pictures of chocolate cakes against an equally chocolate background. And the only reason why I miss it is because I can never get that theme and design back again, simply because I ridiculously forgot to save my template before upgrading it ( yes yes, blur).

But technicalities aside, it's almost akin to how we have to move on in our lives, even though the desire for a great majority of us is to cling on to whatever we have and not accept change as a part and parcel of life and it's uncertainties- thus my new blog description over there as well. Doing away with the ' CAKES GALORE|Ju Lyn<3 ' appears to be almost an attempt at accepting life and what we know it as the 'strange destiny'. ( actually, that last part of my blog description was actually paraphrased from Tess of the D'Ubervilles, The Maiden)

With Tess on my mind, I guess I could go on about the bleakness of life and how we are governed by God and how He chooses to lead our paths, but that would be a tad too dismal. Although I suppose the 'blighted star' that we live on which appears to fully subjugate us by evicting us of the power to fully control our lives is partially true as well- we are never fully in control of our lives, are we? How can we be, if we can never be certain about what will happen in the next hour, minute or even second? Perhaps we are never really in control of our own lives- the decisions we make are but insignificant drops of water in the vast ocean of what will actually happen? I mean, I recently read about this lady who planned ahead of time, not one year, not two years, but 5 years ahead. Then one day, she was struck down with cancer and realised she had only 3 months to live. The effort she put into planning for her future was futile then. Perhaps it is the omniscient observer, God, even, who believes that one should not attempt to gain too much power and control over our own lives by striking us when we least realise it, a painful but necessary fine.

Sometimes I like to wonder if we're just mere puppets that live upon this earth, governed by fate or even God. It's like the game of Sims, whereby we are players of a little town for which the people have a mind of their own, yet we, as players, have the power to do anything we want to these people- starve them, play with them, decide when they should fish or make friends with someone. Now imagine that we are those people living within this game, with minds of our own and lives to lead. Yet despite all that, we have someone, God, watching over us, deciding how our lives turn out, just like how we, as players, decide how the lives of the Sims play out, scolding and punishing them when they do something bad, and praising them when they do something good.

Aren't our lives all a game of Sims and Virtual Villages? It most certainly seems so. Maybe that's the reason why we're always trying to see into the future. Because it hurts to be punished for doing something bad.

So now I upgraded my blog template layout and all my links and my tagboard is gone.
What the hell la.

Well on the bright side, at least the posts are easier to read now.
Not that anyone reads this stale thing, anyway. 

I'm tired.
I don't mean just tired from the lack of sleep. I mean that I'm tired of trying of having to keep trying.
Trying and failing.
And I have this sudden longing for a hug.
I'm stuck. Stuck in this mad rat race of materialism. What happened to the simple joy of lying on grass and staring up at the sky without a care in the world? I've lost that and I miss that.
But as they say, hang in there. I don't have a choice.
Back to completing my ELL essay. 

3 months.

In 3 months's time, I'm going to have to brace myself for a lot of changes. Which include the fact that my As are coming. That my bastion won't be so readily available for consultation ( maybe that's the wrong word to use but I can't think of anything else as it is). That my friends will be caught up with their own lives and trying to conquer As as well. When it comes to the final battle, each of us will have to fight for ourselves. Because at the end of the day, to each his own.

Save and savour the time you have left. Make the best use of it. Balance your time well. 3 months. That's all I have left, after which we will be off fighting our own battles ( physically and metaphorically). And while I have many objectives in mind, there is one clear objective that I cannot, will not, and must never lose- being there, being present, and maintaining things.

Don't expect to reap anything without effort. A dream requires effort to become a reality, because otherwise, it will just be a case of 'dream on'. And that, is something that I cannot afford. 

I'm drowning in assignments.

Someone pull me out of this mess.

Please. 

'Speech was as inexpressive as silence.' - Tess of the D'ubervilles by Thomas Hardy.

When our words fail us, what do we do? Do we resort to quiet musing, reflection or silent tears? Or when all else fails, perhaps the last thing we'd turn to would be a simple, genuine hug.

That's what I think I do best, actually. Because sometimes silence is a person's loudest cry, and also because silence is a sound by itself.

Strangely enough, it is through one of the more noisier places that I learnt the art of silence. Of peace. And of serenity. But what I also picked up was that silence could suggest inner turmoil and fear for which words don't convey, can't convey, or a refusal to convey.

I guessed that's the reason I choose to hug instead. I vaguely remember describing a hug with much detail in one of my earlier posts and thing is, sometimes, that's all someone needs. And I also guess that that perhaps the most important thing is that, despite a person's silence, never take the silence to be one of condescension, submission or inability. Because that is rarely the situation.

In which case, I choose to hug.

Because hugging usually makes someone feel better, anyway.

Singlehood

This post is going to be actually strange because I actually dreamt that I was blogging this so before I forget what I wrote in my dream, I'll let that one dream become a reality.

1stly, I'll say, it's been a few months. The way I see it, both parties have finally had the tenacity and grit(?) to move on with our lives, albeit separate ways. But being separate, and being single without a partner too has it's advantages, especially when being with someone who isn't suited for you pressurizes you akin to a vacuum jar. It's a cathartic sense of freedom, a far cry from the incessant worry and fear that something might go wrong, yet having to remain quiet about it for fear of angering your partner should you raise it up. Then there's the paranoia- or basically, an over exaggerated fear that something is going wrong.

All these that vanquished in the light of singlehood. And also in the light of a wrong partner. As they often said, being single isn't a status; its about having the audacity to find your own footing first before you mess with another person's. Perhaps it's the sheer relief, a unbridled sense of freedom and a inconsequential thoughts, actions and words that summarise the joys of being single. And perfectly happy as such.

Like a friend once summarised it- getting into a relationship means bearing the consequence of willingly being handcuffed, but it depends as to the degree to which you feel these handcuffs on you. And the way I see it, even if I'm ready to have the handcuffs on, these handcuffs will not come on for a long time. In time to come, maybe, but not now. 

Well then.
Problem solved. In a peaceful way. Just like how I envisioned it to be always, but never managed to achieve.
Well, I have this time.
No reason to be fear. No reason to be paranoid. Crappy experiences doesn't mean your future's gonna be as crappy as your past. The future is a new beginning. Look up, walk on, and don't look back.

In other words, I'm really glad conflict of such a sensitive nature could be resolved in such a cordial manner. How rare. How pleasantly surprising. So Julyn, what more evidence do you need? None. Stop worrying, stop being paranoid. Remember what that caused you in the past. That, learn from it. 

I want to be alone. Alone with company. The right kind of company. And while I'm alone I want a hug. The kind of hug that's tight enough to hold you and shield you from but for which also isn't so quick to push you away.

So far I've been independent enough to live without it after it was given but taken away. But we can't always have whatever we want in life anyway. Oh well. 

Too many things that need sorting out. But should I speak? Or should I remain silent, mute, and just force them from sight, hoping that they'd be another case of 'out of sight, out of mind'? My guess is that the former would be much more appropriate. Much more decent. Much like what I promised. But then again, could it be a mere mishmash of fears mixed with pms that's just dragging my mood down? I don't know. This dragging of mood began yesterday, hit an all-time low, then rebounded back up, before sinking down again. 

It's also like the tear ducts in my eyes won't stop functioning. I don't even know why, nor how to stop it. Last night was hell, and apparently I was voicing all my fears out in my sleep last night. Yes that's marginally frightening but it also speaks volumes about these fears- how much have I been surpressing them that I actually speak these out in my sleep? That's the frightening part. 

But as it is for now, don't look back. I don't, but I'm afraid that I'm not the one regretting. I don't know the answers. And these answers, I will find them out. But wait I don't even know if I should because it could be just me being bloody hell-ass paranoid. As usual. I don't know. I try not to show these fears and so far, it's working. I still sound normal and look normal. 

I rarely do this but, God, please help me. I don't even need to voice my fears to You because at least You can read my mind as it is. Provide me with some sort of guidance so that I might find my way in this vast, dark abyss. 

This is going to be a very meek attempt at trying to sort out my feelings for the entire day. A little too mixed, maybe, and even now, I don't even know how I should be feeling. Also, I'm actually pretty pms-ey now, so I apologise if this post sounds oh-so-typically-female ( no chauvinistic jokes please )

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing connection. Then again, I know I have a tendency to be paranoid so well, yeah. That's kinda ridiculous as well, but look what this excessive fear has led you to in the past. Don't let this happen again. Don't expect the same thing each time, because you know moods change and people behave differently. Whatever it may be, remember that you do not have the right to intrude into problems nor expect them to be told to you.

I'm worried. I'm worried that things may not turn out the way we want it to. After attaining this point it would be a utter folly to ruin things, would it not?

One thing's for sure- I've always trusted your words so whatever it may be, I won't stop trusting them. Though I wish I hadn't texted you that. But what's done can't be undone. Too late to regret. Move on. Sometimes I always wish I'd be at the same level as she once was. Where you're happy just speaking to me and where you check your phone, wondering if I replied. Occasionally, that is. I might be, I might not. But that lies not in my grasp. Not for me to say. Because at the end of the day, I'd rather you just be happy.

Time to make an attempt to put all these fears away. And also time to stop being such an emotional wreck. I swear the sugar gets me really high but also crashes really hard. 

I should stop being such a weakling sometimes.
And to hell with the overthinking. Because I've got this feeling it's about me, just that I can't, won't, and do not have the right to probe.

One more thing. I've got a birthday party to attend later and instead of being an emotional idiot because I'm pms-ing or whatever, time to get started on lit. Before you realise your swollen eyes become even more evident. 

I give up.
Screw the hell out of this la. Who in the world told you that you had to try and help people? Well, reality's giving you a check now, isn't it. One huge lie, wasted breath.

Give it up Ju. You just got lied to in your own face. Any more proof needed? None.

I feel like crying so bad.   I'm perfectly fine. 

Forgive me for my deadpan mood right now. I'm entirely exhausted but also supremely happy for a day well spent- outside studies, that is.
I vaguely recall chiding myself for being so excited about a simple event but well, I guess all that excitement was worth it. I guess afterall, excitement is something you can't really suppress, because it's the same happy, excited sensation that keeps my drive, my sanity and ultimately, my happiness. The excitement of spending time with a rare jewel is something that has yet to be diminished, nor do I ever have the intention of diminishing it.

Yet despite this excitement that builds up every now and again, it's not something that has to be kindled everyday. Well yes granted that some days I go about in a happy, blissful fashion, motivated as a result to complete my work instead of feeling down creates an almost utopian environment where, to be honest, I haven't been so happy in such a long period of time. What made me even happier would then be the fact that this happiness isn't the simple form of happiness. It extends way deeper than that, complex ,but contrary to what one would believe, this complex form of happiness is pure.

What else is pure? The simplest form of love. It's one of the happiest things I know as well.

And with so much, it's a wonder we ever become unhappy. And if I'm happier these days, well, times spent like today are always the happiest. 

Happiness

I should stop being overly sensitive.
I should stop being so randomly excited over little things ( like next Tuesday and no, it's definitely not because my closest friends are leaving Singapore).

Sometimes I think I get those random childish/childlike moments where you get so excited and happy thinking about something that's going to happen, then after a while of this excitement, you just stop and go, why in the world am I so happy about that? It's not as if something significant is going to happen ( well, significant is a subjective term, isn't it) or as if something is going to change. It's none of that. And after the day is over, all the happiness and pent up excitement just manifests in a sudden collapse of your mood. Like a deflated balloon. Because you won't know when you're going to be this happy again.

Sometimes I wonder why these little things make me so excited or happy. Perhaps because it's an opportunity to finally be at peace with the world for a bit. Or because my life comprises too much of academics that a release, of any sort, is immensely welcome.

Yep, I should stop being so randomly excited about things like that. I can't help it, but I'll try.

Another 3 more months to ensure I make the fullest out of everything I have right now. Then once the 3 months end, it's time to face challenges ( not alone, thankfully ) and come out as a stronger person. 

I don't know why thinking up of the conversation last night suddenly made me remember a piece of advice I've been dispensing, rightly or wrongly, to friends of mine. ' The past is past. Learn from your mistakes, and move on, because we don't have time to keep revisiting the mistakes of the past at the expense of your future.'

And then it suddenly occurred to me that I was doing just what I've been advising people against. Revisiting my past. Too much, in fact. And I don't even know why I am doing so, because I know you won't want to hear of it and hell, it's the past. It's over. 

So here's the deal; if you so happen to be reading this, ( well, I hope you are) I apologise for constantly bringing up the past when it's already clear that as my friend, you don't care. You have every reason to, but you don't. And if you don't, why should I then? I won't mention it again. And by the past, I mean the problems and the unhappiness. 

Yeah, time to stop trying to squeeze any more learning lessons out of the past. Oh and one more note to self- stop comparing. It's not fair to others, and it's not fair to yourself either. It's perfectly achievable. 

You've been that bright spark that evokes a smile out of me even when I least feel like it.
Thanks for always being there :) 

You come to me for help. I help you the best I can, and yet, you choose to ignore it.
Tell me, how am I supposed to help you?

Yes I understand that you're human. And that you have feelings like everyone else has. But perhaps it's because you haven't yet tested the hot coals for yourself that you desire so much to leap head first into the heat.

And I'm standing at the side and yelling at you to watch your footsteps but still you refuse and still you head merrily towards the coals, thinking that you'd be received with 'open arms'. It's even more sickening to see you creating excuses for yourself to leap into the flames.

I don't even know what to do anymore. What makes it harder is that both of you are my closest friends. Friends whom I can't live without. And doing something so dangerous, in such short a span of time, would most certainly result in the cracking open of not just the two of you, but also the rest of the clan.

One more thing. I have the morals, but I don't have the time to keep up with your case. As are drawing closer. We can't afford to mess anything up. Not you, not me. Not anyone.

Enough ranting. Time to get back to that pile of assignments and tutorials yet to be completed, sometimes wishing that homework was asexual because then it would just do itself ( lame joke. )

Take care everyone. Or maybe, anyone. Because who ever reads this boring blog anyway?

I received a text earlier today, informing our class that we have another 2 more ELL assignments to complete.

That makes a total of 5 essays for ELL altogether. And that's just ELL. There's sitll Geog, Lit and all my math homework, as well as GP.

Just for your info, that makes a total of 25 essays, one math exam paper, and one GP comprehension. 

I'm going to drown I swear. 

Whatever it is, don't snap. Don't. 

Recipe.

A relationship is like a freshly baked cake. Both partners hold equal amount of ingredients for the making of this cake and what ingredients they add to the cake eventually results in the taste, texture and overall quality of the cake. But these ingredients and the importance of each ingredient must be worked out before the baking of the cake begins. You choose if you want more eggs, more flour, more milk, or more sugar. Both partners may differ in how they want the cake to turn out, but eventually, a mutual consensus is reached whereby the eventual cake is something both partners desire.

This cake merely forms the basic structure of a relationship. When the cake comes freshly baked from the oven, one's instinct would be to delve into the cake immediately. However, we cannot do that because whatever comes out from the oven would be just the basic requirements for a successful relationship. As time wears on, one must add more layers to the cake, spreading a layer of velvet cream or jam in between the layers to secure the layers together and make sure that they don't come apart, as well as add the occasional icing to add interest to the cake as well as to enhance the taste of the cake when it is eventually eaten. The layers of cream that gel the different layers of cake together should ideally be of different flavours, and it can be as different as chocolate cake and cream cheese, or have a difference as subtle as chocolate cream and chocolate mousse. This adds variety and interest to the cake, but yet these differences must compliment each other in terms of taste.

Occasionally, one might realise that the cake might stale. That is the time for both partners to step back and re look at the sections of the cake that are beginning to turn bad and amend it, best done by attempting to remodel that section of the cake, or by simply cutting that small section off entirely. As time wears on, the cake might begin to look a little odd in physical shape due to the removal of certain stale sections, but still remains firm and ultimately, still standing.

In time to come, both partners might decide to eventually eat the cake. Starting with the top layer of the cake, which should now resemble a wedding cake in form, aesthetic appearance and quality, both partners may eventually choose to cut the cake with a shared knife, while ensuring that the cake does not topple. However, even at the moment whereby both partners decide to eat the cake, they must be mindful of that fact that this does not signify the ending of the building of the cake- but rather, that both partners must balance both eating into the cake and the continued building of the cake to ensure that the cake is never fully eaten.

Okay so here's one of those blog posts that aren't written when I'm dead emo, or basically am looking for somewhere to rant. 

I'm basically very thankful that whatever problems I mentioned in the earlier post has been settled. My concerns and fears were voiced, and truth be told I wasn't the only one feeling that way. In fact, a more accurate depiction of my feelings would be somewhere along the lines of intense relief and a warm, contented feeling of security. The sort of feeling that you get when you wrap yourself up in a thick, woollen towel in an air conditioned room with a cup of milo ( no hot chocolate here, let's be Singaporean) or Teh Ping with an interesting novel at hand. 

It's kind of strange though. I've never done something like that before and it was a whole new experience, though necessary, no doubt, to ensure things run smoothly. But for once it was the relief of eventually being able to speak your mind without fearing heavy repercussions, and to iron out any complications. That, I'm most thankful for. 

And I'm thankful for the effort made at trying to ice the cake as well. I mean, having a cake with no icing will taste good but will always look more aesthetically pleasing, as well as taste better, if there was icing on the cake too. I say that with some certainty because, well, the cake has been already baked. Just waiting for the right time for it to be eaten. 

I just hope I didn't sound too contrived though. Because I stick by my words and hold true to every lexical choice ( oh God ELL) I made. And it's odd but well, I kinda miss you. It's going to be a rather lonely week. 

I shouldn't have asked a question I didn't want an answer to.

Now I'm dead scared. Of having to go through hell again if anything. 

I can't afford to lose it. I don't even want to think about losing it. 

I know it's a practical way of thinking but that hurt. 

Time to stop fearing this in silence. Voice your thoughts. Clear the air ( or has it already been cleared? )

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be at the same level. 

I wish I didn't miss you so much.

I need to be stronger. Seriously.  Coming 18 years of your screaming, and I still snapped last night, worse still, while on the phone because of some stupid reason. Well at least my friend saw the truth there. No hiding and pretending for that moment.

Please. You can confiscate my laptop if you want, but not my phone. It's the only thing left that's keeping me sane, and if it really boils down to you eventually confiscating my laptop, at least let me keep my phone. It's the only cause for a smile these days. Not so much the phone, but rather, the emotions, words and thoughts that the phone can convey. That's what's keeping me sane. That's what's keeping me happy.

Although as far as I know, you won't do something like that. Not that drastic. Because well, thanks for understanding. 

I could really do with a hug right now. The kind of tight hug that fills your entire frame of vision such that you can't see anything else. The kind of hug that's strong enough to give support, the kind of hug that's comforting enough to build a sense of security, like a well-fortified stronghold. The kind of hug you'd want to stay in forever, because that's where you feel the most comfort, and where you feel the safest.

Descriptions of hugs aside ( yes, maybe I got carried away imagining it), today began well. It was bright and cloudy and the kind of day you'd want to spend under the blankets asleep. But to spare you the agony of reading through the long list of adjectives I can possibly list down to describe today, I shall sum it up in one word- confusing. I don't know what triggered off the long series of events but I ended up in another row with my mum about my results. Okay perhaps truth be told I was tired and therefore cranky as hell and perhaps my words were a little too harsh. But please mum, spare me your opinions about my results especially when it's been said and done not for the first time. I've seen, heard, and even felt the wrath of not producing the required results. And that, in itself would be the worst punishment I could have warranted.

On another side note, I've been slightly addicted to Voltaire's quotes on freedom of thought and expression. My favourite- ' I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. '

I've done all I can. Ultimately, any change will be entirely out of your own effort. 

There's only so much I can do without exhausting myself just talking to you. 

It's not so much a case of misery, but more a case of reluctance is accepting fate, accepting change and accepting what God has planned.

Thing is, you're atheist. My last clause will therefore be rendered null and void in your opinion. 

Kinda strange how I always end up ranting here. I get those moody moments where I just want to go against what everyone is telling me and just do the opposite for the fun of it. But I never actually do anything like that because it's actually kind of immature. 

Like tonight. 

It hit me that I didn't want to be like anyone else. I don't want to be used to remind someone of another person, and neither do I want to be compared. And I will do likewise. 

Then again, there are those moody moments when my friends try to talk to me but I'm too moody to talk to them in a hyper, high fashion. Then I get moody when they don't talk to me. Kind of ironic, no? 

Okay you know what, I'm typing this in a half daze. Tired, sleepy and altogether quite antagonised. Probably the result of trying to make my friend see some sense by talking/yelling via whatsapp, doing my ELL essay ( for 2 whole days now, sheesh), trying to talk to another friend of mine who is somewhat interlinked with the 1st friend I was yelling at via whataspp, and ultimately trying to make sense of the whole situation I'm faced with myself. 

Whatever. Goodnight world. I'm too dazed to continue typing. 

Catharsis.

Total disgust.

My MYE results. What. The. Hell. La. 

How am I going to get into the university at this rate? 

It's times like this when I feel I bit off more than I could chew. By going into a JC. I should have just gone to a poly right from the beginning. That would have saved a considerable amount of tears. 

But then again, had I gone into a poly, I wouldn't have grown up ( as a friend of mine said), I wouldn't have matured ( again, what my friend said) and I wouldn't have make all those mistakes for which I learnt valuable lessons from. 

Can't get out of the system. Like a certain friend of mine said, DON'T EVEN EFFING THINK OF LEAVING JC AND GOING TO A POLY AFTER As. Because the moment that thought creeps into your mind, you're dead. Gone. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. 

I don't care what you do, Julyn. Don't you dare disappoint your teachers and your parents who have pinned so much hopes on you. You will go to a university in Singapore ( preferably NUS) because you have done well enough in your A levels to do so. Which means somehow getting your Us and Es to Bs and even As. Revise. Throw yourself into work. Practise until you collapse from exhaustion. No choice. Bo bian. ( And I am strangely starting to sound like one of my best friends. This is amusing, but cool in some really weird way too. )

And also, thanks to said friend of mine who has boosted me with much motivation since time immemorial, as well as all my other friends willing to help me out there. 

I'm gonna do the IJ girl thing and say, love you all :)

This weekend was a good experience. Camping out in Pasir Ris beach in tents, having the boys' tent flood because the tent wasn't build to withstand the apocalypse weather that raged its way through half the night, swimming in the sea ( the water is saltier than I thought), going for long walks and eventually watching the sunrise was the experience of a lifetime I would never forget. 

I haven't been that happy in a long time. I haven't had the chance to experience something like that in a long while- the peace, tranquillity, and having as much time as I needed to sit and talk with my friends. Most of all, I treasured the freedom I had over time that night, to just walk away from the noise, to just sit down at the wooden benches and to just spend the night quietly reflecting and sharing the happy moments is but a rare opportunity. 

But right now, things aren't going to change. ' It's a step, a baby step, but it's a step', said Atticus from To Kill a Mockingbird. So baby steps we will take, because in the long run, we'd be happy to have made the best decisions and choices. And be happy in the future. 

And in the past 1 hour, I've been thrown into confusion, snapped, broken down, and been cheered up significantly. And I foresee a few more mental breakdowns without saying a word. Won't be hard to do I suppose, seeing as I've done it before and that will serve to make my stronger, I hope. 

So I've hit the level whereby I know that it's real. No longer a illusion, no longer a fantasy, Concretised. No longer unsure as to whether or not my thoughts, words and actions are out of nothingness, or uncertainty. 

Today, I decided to look through your archive. Just out of curiosity. Just out of fun. But what started as a excited, wishful feeling eventually evolved into one whereby the sinking realisation of my actions towards you all these months caused the tear ducts to crank into motion after having been inactive for 2 months.

Why the hell was I so blind all this while? I didn't just kill myself. I killed you, emotionally and psychologically. I knew the truth, but I forced it away. Deep down, I lied to myself so damn much that for a while, I actually started to live that lie.

And yet you still forced yourself to remain stoic. Remain solid despite all that you had to face. Your mental strength is amazing. Because I wouldn't have been able to do that.

I'm sorry. So freaking sorry. This has got to be the greatest, and most sincere apology I've ever made in my life, probably. And yes, I know that I'm going to have to tell you this in person, but right now, the realisation that just hit me is... astounding. 

We all know the friend in our lives who's always there. Despite everything we do- our strange behavioural quirks, our insecurity and even insensitivity at times, they aren't just confidants whom we confide in when we need a shoulder to cry on, nor are they the roots of a tree that bind a friendship firmly to the ground. We all want such a friend, a friend so close he/she doesn't judge you for the things that you do, forgives you for the mistakes that you make and coaxes you with kind, encouraging words when you're down. And sometimes, a friend so close he/she's mistaken as your other significant half.

I'm proud to say that I have such a friend, and many more. And I'm appreciative for these friends of mine. Thank you. 

Now that I think about it, I must have given you hell, total hell the past few months. I don't know why I was so blatantly blind that I just couldn't see it. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Thanks for being the best in every single aspect, especially for being so understanding. I owe it to you. 

It kinda amazes me the way people choose to live their life inflicting hurt on others. How their disillusioned, sadistic mindset of theirs gives rise to them deriving pleasure from another's pain.

Funny how come these people are the ones who always get away and somehow manage to still live a relatively high-flying social life. And to think I almost chose to live that sort of life; giving up my morals for that pathetic sense of belonging for which I would never have been happy, anyway.

It frightens me that I once wanted a life like that, some few years ago. I'm glad I stayed away, far away from that path.

Watching people judge, bicker, sneer and even gossip, it's frightening what this world has become. 

So perhaps I woke up today thinking that it was a dream. But no, it wasn't. The fact that it came not so much as a shock ( I expected it) or as a happy fantasy-come-to-life kind of event, as it was just the beginning of a path walked so often by everyone else, but to each, a different experience; rocky, bumpy, some even giving up entirely and leaving the tracks- a path that has yet to begin.  And the thing I'm most happy about it that I managed to keep my promise. To live by the words I've uttered for so long.

As for the future, whatever it may be, I pray that God will help me make the right decisions. To do the right thing. To learn from the mistakes I made in the past so that I won't repeat them again. 

Doing anything within my means just to see you happy. 

There are certain days where one acts totally out of character. Today was mine. I'm sorry for worrying you both, but that point in time, I really needed some space. Perhaps the fashion in which I did so was terribly paradoxical, seeing as my actions not only backfired on me, but caused you both to think I was over reacting. I apologise. But one thing I can comfort myself with is that, it's the 2 of you. My best friends. My closest confidants. So therefore, thank you for not judging. 

' In the ill-judged execution of the well-judged plan of things the call seldom produces the comer, the man to love rarely coincides with the hour for loving. Nature does not often say 'See!' to the poor creature at a time when seeing can lead to happy doing; or reply 'Here!' to a body's cry of 'Where?' till the hide-and-seek has become an irksome outworn game. We may wonder whether at the acme and summit of the human progress these anachronisms will become corrected by a finer institution, a closer interaction of the social machinery than that which now jolts us round and along, but such completeness is not to be prophesied, or even conceived as possible. Enough that in the present case, as in millions, the two halves of an approximately perfect whole did not confront each other at the perfect moment; part and counterpart wandered independently about the earth in the stupidest manner for a while, till the late time came. Out of which maladroit delay sprang anxieties, disappointments, shocks, catastrophes- what was called a strange destiny. ' - The Maiden, Phase V, Thomas Hardy's Tess of the D'Ubervilles.

You don't know anything. This is pure speculation. So don't do anything stupid. Be oblivious. Be innocent. Be ignorant even, if you have to. Because you don't know anything. Don't assume.
Stop your curiosity, Ju. It's not going to help anything because nothing is in your control. Go with the flow and you'll find yourself somewhere. Somewhere, something, someone. Maybe happier. In any case, it's not for you to decide.

Screwed up my lit paper 1. Especially A room with a View. The only paper for which I actually had some hope it scoring a decent enough grade to make my results slip look less dismal.

On another note, Birthday Party wasn't so bad. I hope. Or am I just deluding myself in the hope of actually scrambling to find some means of comfort in the essay for which I know I would have most probably disappointed my lit teachers in.

Then again, I was the only ridiculous one ( as far as I know of) who chose to write the essay question. I wouldn't even say it was easy, just that I opened the paper, glanced at the question, which asked for the symbolic references of the setting within the novel, and jumped into writing it. I never plan and I know that's my fault but I never seem to be able to learn, do I? Add that to the fact that I was so bloody tense.

Anyway, no use moping. Tomorrow's going to be the worst paper I'm ever going to sit for- hELL. Yep, bad pun there but I can't help it. ' Discuss the ways in which you deem are issues pertaining to the change in English language as a result of language contact. ' and ' with wider readings', which means I have to somehow or other dig out all those linguists' names and critically discuss their theories. Somehow or other, I have to do that.

Sweet Lord. Why am I even in this mess?

This entire situation is messed up. Utterly messed up. I'm frustrated that I don't, and possibly can't, say the words I truly feel without having to sugar coat them to ensure that hurt remains minimal. 

I want to scream in your face for doing this, I want to tell you that what you did was wrong as well. But I can't do that because it's just far too brutal. Even if I were to say it with the right intentions. 

I can't do anything. Yes, I'm hapless about this whole situation. But because this is what others have done to me, this is what I'll do for you too. Be your support and help you when you need it. 

Stop trying to do anything more, Ju. It's not going to work. For once, try to be look at things superficially. If otherwise, it's gonna affect you. Badly. 

Someone died today. From my existence, I mean. Not a form of physical death.  But it's a form of reconciliation, the closing of this metaphorical coffin lid that connotes, with it, the death of the pain gained from past memories. Perhaps my fear of moving forward too quickly stemmed from my own need to maintain a specific amount of time, even as the pain that I felt faded quite some time back. 

Having been forced by circumstances to do the things I did, I recollect on my actions sometimes. For one thing, there's no use regretting what has happened. Nothing will change those memories made, so therefore, there's no use pining and wishing those memories never occurred. While we can't change that fact, however, what we can do is in fact to learn from those mistakes. And learn not to repeat them in the future. From one, I learnt the value of independence- and from another, the value of trust ( or lack thereof) and self-worth. 

But, like I said, someone died today. Having been out of contact for a long period of time has (hopefully) succeeded in reducing the pain both parties felt initially- at least, it is for me. No more bearing of grudges. Never was there hate. No longer am I bound by this sense of fear, obligation, pity and ill-suited decisions. The surprising beauty of solicited freedom, solitude and peace to do as I please and to spend with that special person in the future. 

I've got a strange feeling that, at this rate, I'm going to go nowhere. Because the way I see it, I'm stuck in this place, this institution of education whereby I'm entrained into movement by the momentum of the teachers, people and even the friends around me. I can't get out, as much as I would like to. And I can't keep floating as well. I need to get out. I want to.

Times like these, I'd say, I want to break free, as cliche as it sounds. ( But it's cliche because such a collocation is overused, and the reason why it's overused is because it actually withstands the test of time and holds true, no?) I'm tired of travelling down this road for which I see no light. I'm the sojourner who dwells in the simple pleasure of doing as I like ( not practical) and choose when I would like to do something ( even more impractical).

Though one could argue that the MYEs aren't a true reflection of one's ability, the fact that the MYEs does stand as a form of benchmark for which we have to attain, or fall short and feel the hardness of the ground beneath us. Sometimes even I don't even realise why I'm doing this, trying so hard to reach for the pole that hangs far out of reach- when there are already others who have gotten a firm hand upon that pole and are gleefully on their way to scoring As for their, well, As.

The MYE exam today was a killer. Even in the areas I felt I was somewhat competent, I couldn't have been more surprised by the paper. Then again, it is ridiculous to place 2 content-heavy subjects on the same day ( Geog/Hist AND math) causing people like me to invest so much time into geog that math is left to play second fiddle. Or perhaps it isn't even in the orchestra. Then again, I didn't exactly study so I don't really have anyone to blame- not that I would blame anyone, anyway.

On a side note, I... I shall not mention this.. There's too many thoughts to even begin to attempt phrasing them into words. Main thing is, I'm confused. Very confused.

Mid Years begin on Thursday, and I'm typing this with so much fear that I'm not even bothering to stop and check if my sentences make sense or are grammatically correct.

The best part is, I'm not doing anything to assuage that fear.

Call me an idiot if you will, but in a cruel twist of fate and pathetic irony, it's this very same fear that's keeping me from studying. I don't even know what changed. I've learnt that I can trust very few people. Most people lie. They lie through their teeth, smile through their lying happy eyes, and crush with their thoughtless, lying words.

Yes, and it's this cynical sarcasm that's forcing me to rethink my option into a JC. This constant power struggle for achievement, this metaphysical combat we're engaged in everyday is taking more than just a heavy toll- and it's showing, pretty much. I've lost the enthusiasm I once had- the happy innocence of simply living and being in an environment I've grown to love, and in it's place is a strange entity for which I question, with this a muted sense of fear, the reliability of every person I meet, except those whom I wholeheartedly trust.

What seemed right never was right. What appears normal on the surface was but a mere concealment of reality. What appears superficially usual hides the menacing, even ugly, and strangely, comic aspect of the raw, painful truth. 

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, Like a skyscraper~ 
-Skyscraper, Demi Lovato. 

What if it isn't what I think it is? What if the outcome isn't what I expected it to be?

I think saying that I'll be just slightly depressed would be helluva understatement. 

Requited/Unrequited love. 

You know what? Screw this. I'm not a counsellor. I'm not even near to even being one. I don't even know if I can, want to, or even are passionate enough to be- and I just mean on a personal level, not even a professional one. My passion is in literature. Or law ( but forget the latter, I'm never gonna succeed in that field).

Therefore, apart from using all the counsellor's jargon and attempting to wander blindly into the field ( crazed one, sometimes) of psychology, I should just remove myself entirely.. and stick to what's expected of me- studies and school work.

In fact sometimes I feel I'm not even qualified to be complaining about these 'cases' because, look, who the hell am I trying to be? I'm frustrated that people think I'm just trying to emulate a friend of mine who's basically so altruistic he'd try his best to save everyone; I don't emulate for the sake of trying to 'be like someone else'. Hell. I'd sit down and talk to anyone if I could but now people look at me and they think, ' oh, she's just just pretending to help someone. She doesn't even mean it. ' 

What's more ironic is if the person whom I'm helping thinks that way. I'm sick of it. Why am I even trying to help a friend of mine who's so broken up over a relationship issue if he doesn't even think I'm qualified to help?

Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm too big for my own bloody boots to help. Maybe I'm just not altruistic enough to help someone. 

I don't usually give a damn about what people think of me, but if my friends, or worse still, the very person I'm helping think that I'm helping just to IMITATE this other friend of mine, I'm going to give up. I'm gonna stop trying to help my 'case' ( should I even be using such counsellor's jargon now, anyway? ) because the fact that he thinks I'm just imitating someone else means that he simply doesn't believe I'm worthy enough to help him. 

My emotions are a mess. I want to prove that I'm not just emulating my friend for the sake of it ( how the hell do I do that, exactly? ) and give the whole bloody thing up as well. 

I think my limit is if my friend, whom certain people believe I'm emulating, feels that I'm emulating him for the sake of convergence and asks me about it. I don't even want to think about how bad the snap/hurt would be. 

There's much damn things I wanna say but I just can't say them.

Screw it. The world's all sunshine and rainbows and whether or not I like it, I've got to be happy.

Fuck all the criticisms. I can't even be bothered to want to listen to them anymore, but not wanting to listen to them, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to hear them.

Know your limit.

And yes I know I'm bloody angsty. Bloody pms-ey. But I know i'll only feel this way and not say, nor do a thing about it. Yeah. Whatever la.

Whole junk of work waiting to be revised, I better begin. 

I'm having one of those days where I just feel like throwing my things around and shouting at everyone.

But I won't do that. Because that's not going to solve anything. Any, damned thing. In fact, it'll make things worse. I have no intention of trying to renovate my room so... yeah.

Exams are next week, I'm unprepared, I can't find my notes and to top it off, everyone's suddenly choosing to pin their expectations on me. Of all damned times.

" Ju, you're gonna do much better this time round ya? Without a distractant."
" I'm looking at you to get at least a B for math, okay Julyn?

And the most painful one.
" Don't disappoint me."

How the hell.. I don't even... See, thing is, I don't give two hoots about what people pin on me. But its what I expect of myself that's just, I rarely swear, but fucking pressurizing.

I'm gonna go out and take a walk to calm my nerves. The fresh air and the fact that this evening's such a beautiful evening, never fails to calm my nerves.

I wish I could go into the forest near my house but too damn bad that it's prohibited. 

There is comedy in tragedy and tragedy in comedy.
Comedy as opposed to menace. There is fear in comedy, and comedy in fear.
Confusion. Uncertainty. Hope.
Yes indeed. Hope.

Certainty, hope, love.
There is fear in comedy.
Menacing threat, humorous, inconsequential banter.
Hidden within, love.
Fear, certainty, hope.
Love. 

Childhood, where are you?

I suddenly realised how much I miss my childhood. Back then, when my life was all about adventures- climbing the hotspot mango tree in my neighbourhood, my dad teaching me how to pitch a tent, build a bird cage, construct a catapult and start a fire out of the heat from the sun. When he taught me how to catch spiders from the lily bushes in my garden, taught me how to trap small animals, not for food, but as pets. When I learnt how to ride a bike without training wheels because my dad insisted that learning to ride was a fundamental necessity. When I learnt how to swim ( thank you, Mum). When I learnt the value of resilience after running long distances ( for which my dad forced me to, of course, and for which I kicked and screamed and cried but still accomplished it, anyway.) 

When I look back upon my past, I realise how much I miss those things. And in fact, I wouldn't have had thought about it had I not been casually talking to my friend today about the beauty of nature. That's when it suddenly hit me- I've left my childhood behind. Because I thought they were childish, stupid and immature- back then, I remember being the only ridiculous one in my class who didn't know what the latest Barbie doll was, or the then most-popular Tamagotchi. What I knew, instead, was how to play five stones, marbles and hopscotch. 

Looking back on it now, I must have been really out of place. It's no wonder I still remember one of my classmates ( back then before we learnt what Tact was) telling me, " eh, you stupid ah?" But other than that one, tactless classmate of mine, I wasn't judged- because children at that age barely judge. But I realised that, outside of the classroom, I was a happy kid. I didn't actually care that, while most of classmates had parents who took them to the movies or bought them expensive toys, I was left at home playing with toys which included a mishmash of assorted yoyos, tops, and perhaps, the closest thing I ever got to being feminine was a cloth doll, lots of assorted stuffed animals ( which I still have to this very day, because of the sentimental value they hold) and that I always wore dresses ( even when I climbed trees, yes). 

But I started to hide these things as I got older. After a while, it became embarrassing, even. I'm pretty sure that everyone has gone through the insecure stage in their lives whereby they begin to find out who they really are. And for a while, that was mine. I made a concious effort to hide my past, pretending that I was happy with things that were just not my thing- excessive shopping, movie-watching, spurging of money- and even bugged my parents to get something ' more like what other normal teenagers have'. I began to conceal myself behind a facade, refusing to do what I truly loved because I thought it'd never be 'cool'. 

However, one cannot keep pretending forever. My facade wore off, and with it, the friends that I had made while I was pretending to be like them ( though I had my true friends during that period too, but they were just 1 or 2 of them) and in its place I began to see the true meaning of what I loved- my childhood. Pitching of tents, going for camps, getting in touch with nature and ultimately, with God, even as I'm far from being a regular church-goer. And when I gathered whatever courage to had to remove my facade entirely, I realised that there were lot more true friends who were actually out there, willing to accept me for my oddities and for who I truly am. 

I've missed my childhood for.. close to almost 5 years now. And now that I think about it, I'd wasted a part of my life pretending to be someone I never really was. I'm grateful for my true friends for whom accept me and my strange, weird character as it is. As it is now, I do like going to the movies. I do like shopping. I do like going out. But I also like nature. And I don't do these things because I'm pretending I like them. I'm not afraid to say it now. Because I'm tired of pretending. I'm extremely appreciative to my friends. And also, Thank you Mum, thank you Dad. I'm wanting my childhood back. 

I've finally concretised this weird sensation that I get whenever I tell someone I like the same thing as them- they think I'm merely trying to converge.

Which isn't the case. At all.

Those who know me well, know I like nature. I've climbed trees since I was a kid. I've never really understood the reason why people scream when an insect ( which most definitely won't hurt you) came near them. 

I don't openly tell others I like this sort of thing. But neither do I fake an identity and pretend that what I actually like is all that fashion and movies and korean pop stars. Yes, I do show an interest, but my life doesn't revolve around them. I just refrain from speaking about I like, of course, unless the person is truly interested in finding out. 

But not speaking about it, doesn't mean I don't like it. And when eventually, I find someone else who really loves the same thing as I thoroughly love, I tend to open up a bit more, once I've gotten past this odd, initial stage of just showing an interest out of politeness- because there never was a need to show an interest out of politeness because I truly loved whatever I was doing, even if it was the exact same as the other party, anyway.  It's never a case whereby I truly love something only because someone else loves it. 

I don't know. Sigh. If you've not made sense of whatever I've typed, it's merely because my thoughts are all disorganised. It's okay. This post was never intended to be understood, anyway. 

A game of cat and mouse. A game of hide and seek. What are we playing at? 

I guess what happened today could be ..kinda.. I guess... considered a partial breakthrough. I'm far too afraid that I'm jumping the gun, but... finally, after talking, they've decided to reconcile. As friends. Awkward friends, maybe, but friends nonetheless.

 For the 1st time ever, I've felt myself bearing the burden of a issue for which I played the role of the devil's advocate, UN peacekeeping force, or merely just plain relationship counsellor. And with this burden comes responsibility-heavy responsibility. For the first time ever, I was tasked with keeping the calm at both ends- alone.

I was far too afraid to try this myself, but for a close friend of mine, I did. I don't know why the hell I was even so impulsive, because I know one wrong move and I could have seriously hurt the already-brittle and fragile equillibrium I've fought long and hard to attain between the 2 parties. But for some reason, things worked out. It wasn't even as long a battle as I thought it would be ( there I go again, jumping the gun) and this seemed to end pretty quickly. I guess you could say I'm glad that it ended quickly, because this being my 1st case, I was inexperienced, disorganised and basically, disoriented.

Within a span of a week, maybe 2 weeks, the skies had cleared. And now I see some light. Overwhelming sense of relief both for them.

That aside, I'm facing an issue of my own too. Maybe it's God's will. I don't know. I'll just have to see how this goes. 

Oh sweet Lord. ( yes I picked this phrase up from a friend of mine, and am now addicted to saying it)

Having sat here at my table for close to an hour and a half now with still no process on my geog essay ( because I haven't the faintest idea what the hell urbanisation trends consist of), my lit essay in tatters because I just made a horrifying discovery that, after rushing out an essay before I left the house this morning, my essay has no/so few it can be considered negligible quotes.

And with a speech to write, and my GP essay to plan, this is not good. Something I always realise a tad too late ie. On a Sunday night when I have to be in school tomorrow.

And perhaps I would actually get a start if I stop the monotonous, addictive scrolling on Facebook as a nosey parker and actually seriously attempted my question.

MYEs are in 10 days. Sweet Lord. What the hell am I still doing on my blog?

Get. Off. Now.

Cest la vie.

Today's been one hell of an exhausting day. And I don't even mean just physically, emotionally too.

I want to know that my efforts hadn't gone to waste. I want to know that they'll be friends again. I want to know that they'll be strong and mature enough to move on.

I don't see that happening now. But then again, all hell broke lose only today, so... i've yet to see the aftermath of the events.

Truthfully speaking, I don't want to have to throw up my hands in despair and just sit at the side, defeated and unable to help them. I've tried. And despite all that they're doing, I'm still willing to want to try and help them. Even if its just a little bit. Because they're my friends, after all. And the least I could do, is to try.

And despite the supposedly bleak situation, I still see some light, within which a hope that both of them will still be friends. Close friends even.

But right now, I need to get back to my work. Lit essay still uncompleted, and my geog ca's still waitng for me to actually write something down other than my name.

It's been a hellish week, a hellish day, and I still have a hellish amount of work uncompleted.

God save me. 

I sometimes feel that I can understand a counsellor's burden. Even with just 1 case, I can feel the tension, the fear and sometimes even the stress. I don't know how those with many cases handle it all. I admire these people.

I worry for both of them. For what may inevitably happen. For the feelings and emotions that will run deep. For the pain.

Strange to know that my case becomes one I can easily relate to because those problems were once my problems. My personal experience, not too long ago.

But the last thing they need, or I need, is to get personally involved in this. Yes, I reflect upon my own mistakes and caution others against making the same mistakes because I don't want another person to go through the shit I went through. But personally reflecting on mistakes doesn't mean that I have to be emotionally involved as well. Because despite everything, I've made a promise that I'll be there for them. Whatever the problems may be, with my personal experience being the best, and only weapon.

Keep a cool head about this. Emotions cannot be involved. Do the right thing for them.

Visited Universal Studios Singapore yesterday, for the 1st time ever. It was, by far, the best thing that helped me take my mind of things- I couldn't possibly be worried for my studies when I was more worried about staying alive on that roller coaster. And to a certain, perhaps even odd, extent, I forced myself to do things that I usually wouldn't do because I'm pure afraid- jump aboard Revenge of the Mummies, even though I knew it was some high-speed freak. On hindsight I probably was afraid, but perhaps the impulse ( and probably, the adrenaline rush) kept me going... and made me accomplish something I've never dared to do in my life.

And despite the MYEs, it felt strangely happy to be visiting a theme park when my MYEs are just...less than 20 days away. That careful deliberation, childlike impulse and altogether smug satisfaction culminated in a whole day's of ignoring my studies... just for that few hours, everything was bliss. The sensation was almost like drinking- a delirious, excited, exaggerated enthusiasm.

And just like drinking, you become sober in the end. The day was gone, and I managed to successfully force myself to get rid of the worries- for a day, at least. But then again, a day is better than nothing. Perhaps the day was well spent indeed.

And now that I'm 'sober', it's time for work.

I guess I might have unintentionally signed up to be a relationship counsellor, for the better or worse, seeing as I'm still having to deal with my own. But the strange fact is, helping others in their relationship and seeing them happy, makes me happy too. For some odd reason.

Yes, like any other girl, I'm envious of their happy relationship and wish that I'd find my own some day. But as of current, it's far too early to be thinking about anyone else- perhaps that's the reason why I find happiness in helping others find happiness then. It may sound entirely fake, but I mean it; no girl should have to go through what I had to endure. No decent girl should have to undergo the pain and emotional torture. No decent girl should cry because her boyfriend made her cry.

That's why despite the ardours healing process, I know that my strength stems from my desire to have other girls learn from me, learn from my mistakes, and learn from my pain. And that's what gives me the strength to carry on, knowing that the pain I've experienced will serve as a lesson to other girls out there who are in a relationship or otherwise.

And I'll keep forcing myself forward, even if the odds are hell.

God, please help me.

I'm frustrated. And I know I have no right to be feeling this way because I just broke up but this isn't the first time and this has been a situation for the past 2 years.

I don't know what's this idea you've got whereby you think you're not good enough for anyone. I've been telling you, time and again that you're not as bad as you think you are but somehow or other, you just refuse to accept that fact. I'm not even telling you to rush out and go get a girl- I know you very well, dear friend, and I know you're a person of strong morals and won't do such a thing. I'm just saying that you've got to be open about the idea of getting into a relationship and to accept it when it comes- not pushing everyone away just because you think that person can get someone better. What if the best option for the person was you?

Look la k. Honestly, I wouldn't be bothered if it wasn't for the fact that I care for you. And I too, will be having a hell of a time keeping my agenda out of this but if one day you do actually believe in yourself and get a girl, I'll be happy for you because I know that you'd have made a right choice- even if that meant... But at the end of the day, it's what's good for you right?

Sigh. I don't know. If you're confused, I'm even more confused than you are.

So, yet again keeping this dead blog alive.

For one thing, the healing period has been a lot, and I repeat, ALOT, easier than I imagined it to be. Why? Simply because the last few times I saw him on twitter before we unfollowed each other, he was cursing the hell out of me, wishing that I'd die someday. And honestly, this is making the healing period a lot faster because now I don't have to fight against myself to stay out of contact with him- he's helping me- with his words. He's distancing us and making me miss him a whole lot less. Oh well. I really am such an idealist sometimes, even thinking we could be friends...

But idealist or otherwise, that's a chapter in my life gone, time I'll never get back, and memories from which I learnt some painful mistakes. Mistakes that I'll never make again, because the wounds are just too painful. I'm always glad that I have friends there as an anchor though- it keeps me sane and had it not been for them, my journey would have been so much rougher.

But there's this one person, and... honestly speaking, he's one person I can truly, wholeheartedly, trust. Despite seeing all my insecurities, he doesn't judge me, and he's the one person I can truly say is altruistic. I'll admit that I can be a selfish person. Yet despite the fact that I can be selfish, I'm enlightened whenever I hear that he has succeeded in achieving something.

I wish I could continue saying more. But whatever it is, this is still going to go online. And whatever's online, can be tracked so... even though I wish to continue, I shall stop here for now.

Time to sort out the mess.

" You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. "

Yeah, I know. I know it all too well.

Fk this la. Fk this la. Fk this la.

And the worst part is? I can't tell anyone about this. I can't. It's not possible.

Something's wrong with me. And I know what's wrong except that when I try to speak, instead of words, I get tears. Then I end up choking myself. Emotions are messed eh? Time to finish up my math homework and drown myself in the cold shower.

Fk. Stop overthinking.

Holy crap, I've been laughing at my posts from 2008 when I was in Sec 2. I can't believe I typed all that. I just sounded so innocent and childish, and its funny how I created so many innuendos but back then I failed to realise them...

Wait. That means I've become so corrupted over the years. Not funny anymore.

"You can't save everybody."

Yes, I never thought I'd end up in that position but that's just what I have to do. Tonight. After months of fighting, I give up. Don't get me wrong- I tried. And I tried till I was blue in the face. But what's the use of trying to save someone who won't allow themselves to be saved? 

I can't actually believe I'm saying this but.. in order to save yourself, you've got to let some people go. 

For a moment, I understand how counsellors feel when they have to haplessly watch their cases walk themself off cliffs.

You can't save everybody. 

In an old page of my journal, I had drawn countless number of hearts.

20/12/11.

The ink was thick. It leaked through the thin fibre of the paper. The next few pages bore bright blue ink marks. 2 pages down, I see the thin line of the pen nib that once scraped this sheet of paper.

It was torn. Torn from writing.

I carefully removed those 2 sheets and brought it down to the lawn. It was dark and quiet outside- perfect surroundings. Removing a match stick from the box, I strike it against the side and watched as the orange flame burst to life, then threw it down.

I watched as the flame merrily licked away at the edges of the paper, hungrily consuming it's contents.

Today, I've realised that I've been quite an immature kid over the last past few months. Why? I decided to read randomly selected posts today. Posts that I've written over the course of this year, last year, and the years before that. In some I detect pity, in others I detect pride- pride for childish things that now make me laugh at how I was so proud of them. And some make my heart ache- ache for those lost memories which will dissolve in details as the time passes. In some ways this is a good thing; we cannot undo the past. But perhaps learning from those lessons, rather than forgetting them, proves to be a better teacher.

Perhaps I've grown over the course of these few months. The harsh reality of life. The pain that ran deep, but it was not because of blood. The tears that were shed, but it was not because of sadness. The realisation that struck, but it was not because of fear.

I was immature then.

I'm back.

Alright. So I haven't written in this blog for... what, months, literally. And honestly speaking, I don't even know why I chose to revert back to using this stale blog I've never even bothered to upkeep. Perhaps it's because I'm looking for an outlet for stress relief. Perhaps I'm tired of explaining, withholding, and admitting. But whatever the reason, I know, for one thing, that despite having to hid behind a facade, I'll have to push on, to keep going forward, because there isn't an alternative route to peace.

Well I've got no choice. One thing I know is that no matter how much I want to end my pain, the damage is done and I can't look back. No, not now. Ju, you've got to be strong, firm up your resolve and keep your head high despite the treacherous waters. No one said it was going to be easy. And it helps when you have genuine friends on your side. They shake the sense into you when you don't see any, tell you to wake up when you're asleep in your fairytale, and counsel you when you're lost.

Except that I feel I've overdone the last bit. I don't know, I hope I haven't caused problems to my friends. I see them trying so hard for me that it becomes absolutely wicked and detestable if I were to continue being down. My friends have problems of their own, and the last thing I want to do is to burden them. No, you can't be selfish. Get the hell up, live your own life, because ultimately, life's about carving your future and your present, forever keeping in mind the potholes of your past and the painful memories for which a lesson must be learnt. No one's going to carve that path for you- perhaps your friend might lend you a hand with a spade or two but the effort has got to come from ourselves. We carve our own paths.

You carve your own path too. Yes, for a while, we might have shared paths- we helped each other and created what we then naively thought would be our future. But after emotional pain, hurt and abuse, our paths must diverge. We'll each be alone again- not because of fate, not because of luck, but because it's for the good of the future.

I can feel myself getting frustrated- not because of what has happened but because of what I'm feeling. I'm confused. I'm guilty of feeling this way, because I know I shouldn't be, and I'm disgusted at myself for feeling this way as well. Some things aren't just possible. No, not now. I need time to work things out. I'm tired of all the pain.

Reflection aside, I guess that has got to be the breakthrough at last in my JC life- because for the 1st time ever, I've hit a high B for my Lit essay. Reminiscing the times where A was an easy feat, I'd laugh at my own ignorance, blinded by the contempt and smug satisfaction. That was in secondary school. I've changed now. Forced to accept the way of life. Forced to grow up and mature. Forced to change for the better. And I don't regret it. Because change is the only constant in life, as cliche as it seems. Had I not experienced all I had these past 2 years, I would never have had my eyes opened, never had seen past tomorrow, and never had the chance to change.