Rant.

So for the first time in many days, I actually have the time to blog. Uni life takes a lot of effort getting used to, but I prepared myself for this, so I don't really anything unexpected jumping out in my face.. just yet.

I'm slowly settling into a routine whereby I head to school, I go for lesson, I do meetups( either to buy/trade/sell) and then I head home. There's nothing happening about my life, nothing exceptional and there's nothing interesting. 

In short, I've become a quiet loner- you could say that. I do have my group of friends whom I talk to and hang out with. Its just that it sometimes seems quite distant, and by this I mean that it feels like friendships don't really delve deep here. I could partly blame on the fact that I don't stay in hall, which makes for much less social time, or the fact that our schedules are all so different that we rarely spend time with each other outside of lectures. For a quieter person like me (yes, I've become quiet again) it seems good because then I don't really have to continuously interact with people ( I'm a bit introverted sometimes), which results in very shallow friendships- which I'm not really fond of. Then again you could argue that it's a cyclical issue because how does one develop close bonds with friends if they rarely spend time together to begin with? 

I've never been a part of a popular, extroverted group, and reflecting upon the one and only time I was part of one for a while back in JC, I learnt that I would never feel comfortable with people who are 'happy, high and sparkly 24/7'. I need to have my quiet time, I learnt, and I need my space and have time to have thoughts to myself. That's why the best friends, I think, are those whom I can spend quiet time with and yet not feel a compulsion/ obligation to carry on a conversation. And those friends are few and far between. 

But I'm digressing, I know. Social life is just one aspect of this whole adaptation, because if I could describe myself, I'd say I'm occasionally quiet and do make conversation (albeit awkward ones). At least I got my priorities right this time, as compared to JC. I'd say that the one most difficult (?) thing to cope with is the workload. I'm not sure if its just me, because I constantly feel swamped, tired and in someway... depressed? I don't know. It's like I'm sinking into this deep dark pit I can't get myself out of, like despair and worry can't wait for me to fall in deeper within its recesses. I don't want to be hyperbolic here but sometimes that's exactly how I feel. All around me, the people, the things and the objects became alienated and strange because I can't connect with them- in a sense, like Emerson's imagery of a 'transparent eyeball', I feel exactly the same- except that I'm not 'one with nature' but rather, I feel that everything in nature is against me, and I feel alienated and detached from everyone because no one notices my "transparency". I guess this is a side effect of having taken lit, whereby I automatically launch into analysis, or into middle English, or Shakespearean. 

Whatever it is, I don't really have a choice. Be it social life or my workload, there's nothing I can do but to soldier on because this is all I have. Because this is what I asked for. 

Whatever happened to the actual 'bubbly' person, I don't know.