Time is literally flying past. It's going to be 2 months since I began working with NTUC Fairprice, and while it hasn't always been a bed of roses, I can't say that I never had fun. I've had my fun times, and along with it, times when I want to yank my hair out because results simply don't tally.

There's not much I really want to say, except for the fact that well, I'll miss these people when I leave. I rarely meet such non judgemental people, and when I do, I realise that they're people worth keeping. But the reality is that sometimes it's difficult. It takes effort, and not always is effort put in.

Oh, and that Raj, the newest guy, is leaving, in place of another new guy coming in tomorrow. It's no affecting me, but I don't like change. Then again, no one does, right?

I need to be more cautious, and be more alert, I feel. Not everyone out there is out to catch me, but not everyone has good intentions either. I miss when life was simple. When things were decided for me, actually. When things weren't all so complicated and messy. And I'm praying everyday that I make peace with myself and especially others. To care, to love, and to hope.

Just a little reflection.

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don’t sound the same
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down
Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name
It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should ‘ve bought you flowers And held your hand
Should ‘ve gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby’s dancing, but she’s dancing with another man.

MY PRIDE , MY EGO , MY NEEDS , AND MY SELFISH WAYS,
Caused a GOOD STRONG WOMAN like you to walk out my life
Now I NEVER , NEVER get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes.
It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should ‘ve bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should ‘ve gave you all my hours when I had the chance.
Take you to every party
Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby’s dancing, but she’s dancing with another man.

Although it hurts, I’ll be the first to say that I was wrong.
Oh, I know I’m probably much too late,
To try and apologize for my mistakes But I just want you to know
I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Gives you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should ‘ve done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should ‘ve done
When I was your man.

-When I was your man, Bruno Mars -

I don't want to be overly melodramatic here. But this song really makes me tear. Especially when it still hurts so badly. It hurts worse when I've tried, and it isn't noticed. When I'm shot down with malicious bullets.
I never thought, and I never knew. I guess it doesn't matter that he once said he'll never give me up. It doesn't matter anymore. Mess up somemore ju, and reality will have you rubbing your nose in the dirt.
Blind faith, blind trust. Just force yourself, even if you kill yourself trying, force yourself. Shut up, and be the good girlfriend he deserves. No more hatred, no more spite.
I have this one last chance.
I'll have nothing left if I blow it.
This is so reminiscent, I swear, but I know I'll do anything. Even if I die, even if I go mad.
I'll do anything.

I love it, and I hate it. And the reasons why I love it are the exact same reasons why I hate it. I never thought it was possible, but for the first time ever, I'm feeling myself trapped in a situation where I don't have a choice.
I was told that I was overly friendly, and sometimes yes, I admit to that statement. But other times I remain adamant because I know I do not do so on purpose.
Is it my fault then? I don't think so. I don't have control over what happens, more so over how they feel. Yet why do I feel this sense of heaviness? Like something out there is pinning the blame on me and that I'm unwilling to fight back? What frightens me most is if I actually am happy with it, because knowing as such is a immense morale booster. It's wrong, and I know it, and I need another confidence booster. Or better still, the day I don't need a booster at all.
But what if this all isn't? What if I was over thinking ;What if I'm not even pin pointing the problem; what if I don't understand myself at all? This is an issue which , I'm sure, I wouldn't be facing only now. This will be an issue in uni, and as I see it, for the rest of my life.
The thought is morbidly disturbing.