This entire situation is messed up. Utterly messed up. I'm frustrated that I don't, and possibly can't, say the words I truly feel without having to sugar coat them to ensure that hurt remains minimal. 

I want to scream in your face for doing this, I want to tell you that what you did was wrong as well. But I can't do that because it's just far too brutal. Even if I were to say it with the right intentions. 

I can't do anything. Yes, I'm hapless about this whole situation. But because this is what others have done to me, this is what I'll do for you too. Be your support and help you when you need it. 

Stop trying to do anything more, Ju. It's not going to work. For once, try to be look at things superficially. If otherwise, it's gonna affect you. Badly. 

Someone died today. From my existence, I mean. Not a form of physical death.  But it's a form of reconciliation, the closing of this metaphorical coffin lid that connotes, with it, the death of the pain gained from past memories. Perhaps my fear of moving forward too quickly stemmed from my own need to maintain a specific amount of time, even as the pain that I felt faded quite some time back. 

Having been forced by circumstances to do the things I did, I recollect on my actions sometimes. For one thing, there's no use regretting what has happened. Nothing will change those memories made, so therefore, there's no use pining and wishing those memories never occurred. While we can't change that fact, however, what we can do is in fact to learn from those mistakes. And learn not to repeat them in the future. From one, I learnt the value of independence- and from another, the value of trust ( or lack thereof) and self-worth. 

But, like I said, someone died today. Having been out of contact for a long period of time has (hopefully) succeeded in reducing the pain both parties felt initially- at least, it is for me. No more bearing of grudges. Never was there hate. No longer am I bound by this sense of fear, obligation, pity and ill-suited decisions. The surprising beauty of solicited freedom, solitude and peace to do as I please and to spend with that special person in the future. 

I've got a strange feeling that, at this rate, I'm going to go nowhere. Because the way I see it, I'm stuck in this place, this institution of education whereby I'm entrained into movement by the momentum of the teachers, people and even the friends around me. I can't get out, as much as I would like to. And I can't keep floating as well. I need to get out. I want to.

Times like these, I'd say, I want to break free, as cliche as it sounds. ( But it's cliche because such a collocation is overused, and the reason why it's overused is because it actually withstands the test of time and holds true, no?) I'm tired of travelling down this road for which I see no light. I'm the sojourner who dwells in the simple pleasure of doing as I like ( not practical) and choose when I would like to do something ( even more impractical).

Though one could argue that the MYEs aren't a true reflection of one's ability, the fact that the MYEs does stand as a form of benchmark for which we have to attain, or fall short and feel the hardness of the ground beneath us. Sometimes even I don't even realise why I'm doing this, trying so hard to reach for the pole that hangs far out of reach- when there are already others who have gotten a firm hand upon that pole and are gleefully on their way to scoring As for their, well, As.

The MYE exam today was a killer. Even in the areas I felt I was somewhat competent, I couldn't have been more surprised by the paper. Then again, it is ridiculous to place 2 content-heavy subjects on the same day ( Geog/Hist AND math) causing people like me to invest so much time into geog that math is left to play second fiddle. Or perhaps it isn't even in the orchestra. Then again, I didn't exactly study so I don't really have anyone to blame- not that I would blame anyone, anyway.

On a side note, I... I shall not mention this.. There's too many thoughts to even begin to attempt phrasing them into words. Main thing is, I'm confused. Very confused.

Mid Years begin on Thursday, and I'm typing this with so much fear that I'm not even bothering to stop and check if my sentences make sense or are grammatically correct.

The best part is, I'm not doing anything to assuage that fear.

Call me an idiot if you will, but in a cruel twist of fate and pathetic irony, it's this very same fear that's keeping me from studying. I don't even know what changed. I've learnt that I can trust very few people. Most people lie. They lie through their teeth, smile through their lying happy eyes, and crush with their thoughtless, lying words.

Yes, and it's this cynical sarcasm that's forcing me to rethink my option into a JC. This constant power struggle for achievement, this metaphysical combat we're engaged in everyday is taking more than just a heavy toll- and it's showing, pretty much. I've lost the enthusiasm I once had- the happy innocence of simply living and being in an environment I've grown to love, and in it's place is a strange entity for which I question, with this a muted sense of fear, the reliability of every person I meet, except those whom I wholeheartedly trust.

What seemed right never was right. What appears normal on the surface was but a mere concealment of reality. What appears superficially usual hides the menacing, even ugly, and strangely, comic aspect of the raw, painful truth. 

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, Like a skyscraper~ 
-Skyscraper, Demi Lovato. 

What if it isn't what I think it is? What if the outcome isn't what I expected it to be?

I think saying that I'll be just slightly depressed would be helluva understatement. 

Requited/Unrequited love. 

You know what? Screw this. I'm not a counsellor. I'm not even near to even being one. I don't even know if I can, want to, or even are passionate enough to be- and I just mean on a personal level, not even a professional one. My passion is in literature. Or law ( but forget the latter, I'm never gonna succeed in that field).

Therefore, apart from using all the counsellor's jargon and attempting to wander blindly into the field ( crazed one, sometimes) of psychology, I should just remove myself entirely.. and stick to what's expected of me- studies and school work.

In fact sometimes I feel I'm not even qualified to be complaining about these 'cases' because, look, who the hell am I trying to be? I'm frustrated that people think I'm just trying to emulate a friend of mine who's basically so altruistic he'd try his best to save everyone; I don't emulate for the sake of trying to 'be like someone else'. Hell. I'd sit down and talk to anyone if I could but now people look at me and they think, ' oh, she's just just pretending to help someone. She doesn't even mean it. ' 

What's more ironic is if the person whom I'm helping thinks that way. I'm sick of it. Why am I even trying to help a friend of mine who's so broken up over a relationship issue if he doesn't even think I'm qualified to help?

Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm too big for my own bloody boots to help. Maybe I'm just not altruistic enough to help someone. 

I don't usually give a damn about what people think of me, but if my friends, or worse still, the very person I'm helping think that I'm helping just to IMITATE this other friend of mine, I'm going to give up. I'm gonna stop trying to help my 'case' ( should I even be using such counsellor's jargon now, anyway? ) because the fact that he thinks I'm just imitating someone else means that he simply doesn't believe I'm worthy enough to help him. 

My emotions are a mess. I want to prove that I'm not just emulating my friend for the sake of it ( how the hell do I do that, exactly? ) and give the whole bloody thing up as well. 

I think my limit is if my friend, whom certain people believe I'm emulating, feels that I'm emulating him for the sake of convergence and asks me about it. I don't even want to think about how bad the snap/hurt would be. 

There's much damn things I wanna say but I just can't say them.

Screw it. The world's all sunshine and rainbows and whether or not I like it, I've got to be happy.

Fuck all the criticisms. I can't even be bothered to want to listen to them anymore, but not wanting to listen to them, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to hear them.

Know your limit.

And yes I know I'm bloody angsty. Bloody pms-ey. But I know i'll only feel this way and not say, nor do a thing about it. Yeah. Whatever la.

Whole junk of work waiting to be revised, I better begin. 

I'm having one of those days where I just feel like throwing my things around and shouting at everyone.

But I won't do that. Because that's not going to solve anything. Any, damned thing. In fact, it'll make things worse. I have no intention of trying to renovate my room so... yeah.

Exams are next week, I'm unprepared, I can't find my notes and to top it off, everyone's suddenly choosing to pin their expectations on me. Of all damned times.

" Ju, you're gonna do much better this time round ya? Without a distractant."
" I'm looking at you to get at least a B for math, okay Julyn?

And the most painful one.
" Don't disappoint me."

How the hell.. I don't even... See, thing is, I don't give two hoots about what people pin on me. But its what I expect of myself that's just, I rarely swear, but fucking pressurizing.

I'm gonna go out and take a walk to calm my nerves. The fresh air and the fact that this evening's such a beautiful evening, never fails to calm my nerves.

I wish I could go into the forest near my house but too damn bad that it's prohibited. 

There is comedy in tragedy and tragedy in comedy.
Comedy as opposed to menace. There is fear in comedy, and comedy in fear.
Confusion. Uncertainty. Hope.
Yes indeed. Hope.

Certainty, hope, love.
There is fear in comedy.
Menacing threat, humorous, inconsequential banter.
Hidden within, love.
Fear, certainty, hope.
Love. 

Childhood, where are you?

I suddenly realised how much I miss my childhood. Back then, when my life was all about adventures- climbing the hotspot mango tree in my neighbourhood, my dad teaching me how to pitch a tent, build a bird cage, construct a catapult and start a fire out of the heat from the sun. When he taught me how to catch spiders from the lily bushes in my garden, taught me how to trap small animals, not for food, but as pets. When I learnt how to ride a bike without training wheels because my dad insisted that learning to ride was a fundamental necessity. When I learnt how to swim ( thank you, Mum). When I learnt the value of resilience after running long distances ( for which my dad forced me to, of course, and for which I kicked and screamed and cried but still accomplished it, anyway.) 

When I look back upon my past, I realise how much I miss those things. And in fact, I wouldn't have had thought about it had I not been casually talking to my friend today about the beauty of nature. That's when it suddenly hit me- I've left my childhood behind. Because I thought they were childish, stupid and immature- back then, I remember being the only ridiculous one in my class who didn't know what the latest Barbie doll was, or the then most-popular Tamagotchi. What I knew, instead, was how to play five stones, marbles and hopscotch. 

Looking back on it now, I must have been really out of place. It's no wonder I still remember one of my classmates ( back then before we learnt what Tact was) telling me, " eh, you stupid ah?" But other than that one, tactless classmate of mine, I wasn't judged- because children at that age barely judge. But I realised that, outside of the classroom, I was a happy kid. I didn't actually care that, while most of classmates had parents who took them to the movies or bought them expensive toys, I was left at home playing with toys which included a mishmash of assorted yoyos, tops, and perhaps, the closest thing I ever got to being feminine was a cloth doll, lots of assorted stuffed animals ( which I still have to this very day, because of the sentimental value they hold) and that I always wore dresses ( even when I climbed trees, yes). 

But I started to hide these things as I got older. After a while, it became embarrassing, even. I'm pretty sure that everyone has gone through the insecure stage in their lives whereby they begin to find out who they really are. And for a while, that was mine. I made a concious effort to hide my past, pretending that I was happy with things that were just not my thing- excessive shopping, movie-watching, spurging of money- and even bugged my parents to get something ' more like what other normal teenagers have'. I began to conceal myself behind a facade, refusing to do what I truly loved because I thought it'd never be 'cool'. 

However, one cannot keep pretending forever. My facade wore off, and with it, the friends that I had made while I was pretending to be like them ( though I had my true friends during that period too, but they were just 1 or 2 of them) and in its place I began to see the true meaning of what I loved- my childhood. Pitching of tents, going for camps, getting in touch with nature and ultimately, with God, even as I'm far from being a regular church-goer. And when I gathered whatever courage to had to remove my facade entirely, I realised that there were lot more true friends who were actually out there, willing to accept me for my oddities and for who I truly am. 

I've missed my childhood for.. close to almost 5 years now. And now that I think about it, I'd wasted a part of my life pretending to be someone I never really was. I'm grateful for my true friends for whom accept me and my strange, weird character as it is. As it is now, I do like going to the movies. I do like shopping. I do like going out. But I also like nature. And I don't do these things because I'm pretending I like them. I'm not afraid to say it now. Because I'm tired of pretending. I'm extremely appreciative to my friends. And also, Thank you Mum, thank you Dad. I'm wanting my childhood back. 

I've finally concretised this weird sensation that I get whenever I tell someone I like the same thing as them- they think I'm merely trying to converge.

Which isn't the case. At all.

Those who know me well, know I like nature. I've climbed trees since I was a kid. I've never really understood the reason why people scream when an insect ( which most definitely won't hurt you) came near them. 

I don't openly tell others I like this sort of thing. But neither do I fake an identity and pretend that what I actually like is all that fashion and movies and korean pop stars. Yes, I do show an interest, but my life doesn't revolve around them. I just refrain from speaking about I like, of course, unless the person is truly interested in finding out. 

But not speaking about it, doesn't mean I don't like it. And when eventually, I find someone else who really loves the same thing as I thoroughly love, I tend to open up a bit more, once I've gotten past this odd, initial stage of just showing an interest out of politeness- because there never was a need to show an interest out of politeness because I truly loved whatever I was doing, even if it was the exact same as the other party, anyway.  It's never a case whereby I truly love something only because someone else loves it. 

I don't know. Sigh. If you've not made sense of whatever I've typed, it's merely because my thoughts are all disorganised. It's okay. This post was never intended to be understood, anyway. 

A game of cat and mouse. A game of hide and seek. What are we playing at? 

I guess what happened today could be ..kinda.. I guess... considered a partial breakthrough. I'm far too afraid that I'm jumping the gun, but... finally, after talking, they've decided to reconcile. As friends. Awkward friends, maybe, but friends nonetheless.

 For the 1st time ever, I've felt myself bearing the burden of a issue for which I played the role of the devil's advocate, UN peacekeeping force, or merely just plain relationship counsellor. And with this burden comes responsibility-heavy responsibility. For the first time ever, I was tasked with keeping the calm at both ends- alone.

I was far too afraid to try this myself, but for a close friend of mine, I did. I don't know why the hell I was even so impulsive, because I know one wrong move and I could have seriously hurt the already-brittle and fragile equillibrium I've fought long and hard to attain between the 2 parties. But for some reason, things worked out. It wasn't even as long a battle as I thought it would be ( there I go again, jumping the gun) and this seemed to end pretty quickly. I guess you could say I'm glad that it ended quickly, because this being my 1st case, I was inexperienced, disorganised and basically, disoriented.

Within a span of a week, maybe 2 weeks, the skies had cleared. And now I see some light. Overwhelming sense of relief both for them.

That aside, I'm facing an issue of my own too. Maybe it's God's will. I don't know. I'll just have to see how this goes. 

Oh sweet Lord. ( yes I picked this phrase up from a friend of mine, and am now addicted to saying it)

Having sat here at my table for close to an hour and a half now with still no process on my geog essay ( because I haven't the faintest idea what the hell urbanisation trends consist of), my lit essay in tatters because I just made a horrifying discovery that, after rushing out an essay before I left the house this morning, my essay has no/so few it can be considered negligible quotes.

And with a speech to write, and my GP essay to plan, this is not good. Something I always realise a tad too late ie. On a Sunday night when I have to be in school tomorrow.

And perhaps I would actually get a start if I stop the monotonous, addictive scrolling on Facebook as a nosey parker and actually seriously attempted my question.

MYEs are in 10 days. Sweet Lord. What the hell am I still doing on my blog?

Get. Off. Now.

Cest la vie.

Today's been one hell of an exhausting day. And I don't even mean just physically, emotionally too.

I want to know that my efforts hadn't gone to waste. I want to know that they'll be friends again. I want to know that they'll be strong and mature enough to move on.

I don't see that happening now. But then again, all hell broke lose only today, so... i've yet to see the aftermath of the events.

Truthfully speaking, I don't want to have to throw up my hands in despair and just sit at the side, defeated and unable to help them. I've tried. And despite all that they're doing, I'm still willing to want to try and help them. Even if its just a little bit. Because they're my friends, after all. And the least I could do, is to try.

And despite the supposedly bleak situation, I still see some light, within which a hope that both of them will still be friends. Close friends even.

But right now, I need to get back to my work. Lit essay still uncompleted, and my geog ca's still waitng for me to actually write something down other than my name.

It's been a hellish week, a hellish day, and I still have a hellish amount of work uncompleted.

God save me. 

I sometimes feel that I can understand a counsellor's burden. Even with just 1 case, I can feel the tension, the fear and sometimes even the stress. I don't know how those with many cases handle it all. I admire these people.

I worry for both of them. For what may inevitably happen. For the feelings and emotions that will run deep. For the pain.

Strange to know that my case becomes one I can easily relate to because those problems were once my problems. My personal experience, not too long ago.

But the last thing they need, or I need, is to get personally involved in this. Yes, I reflect upon my own mistakes and caution others against making the same mistakes because I don't want another person to go through the shit I went through. But personally reflecting on mistakes doesn't mean that I have to be emotionally involved as well. Because despite everything, I've made a promise that I'll be there for them. Whatever the problems may be, with my personal experience being the best, and only weapon.

Keep a cool head about this. Emotions cannot be involved. Do the right thing for them.

Visited Universal Studios Singapore yesterday, for the 1st time ever. It was, by far, the best thing that helped me take my mind of things- I couldn't possibly be worried for my studies when I was more worried about staying alive on that roller coaster. And to a certain, perhaps even odd, extent, I forced myself to do things that I usually wouldn't do because I'm pure afraid- jump aboard Revenge of the Mummies, even though I knew it was some high-speed freak. On hindsight I probably was afraid, but perhaps the impulse ( and probably, the adrenaline rush) kept me going... and made me accomplish something I've never dared to do in my life.

And despite the MYEs, it felt strangely happy to be visiting a theme park when my MYEs are just...less than 20 days away. That careful deliberation, childlike impulse and altogether smug satisfaction culminated in a whole day's of ignoring my studies... just for that few hours, everything was bliss. The sensation was almost like drinking- a delirious, excited, exaggerated enthusiasm.

And just like drinking, you become sober in the end. The day was gone, and I managed to successfully force myself to get rid of the worries- for a day, at least. But then again, a day is better than nothing. Perhaps the day was well spent indeed.

And now that I'm 'sober', it's time for work.

I guess I might have unintentionally signed up to be a relationship counsellor, for the better or worse, seeing as I'm still having to deal with my own. But the strange fact is, helping others in their relationship and seeing them happy, makes me happy too. For some odd reason.

Yes, like any other girl, I'm envious of their happy relationship and wish that I'd find my own some day. But as of current, it's far too early to be thinking about anyone else- perhaps that's the reason why I find happiness in helping others find happiness then. It may sound entirely fake, but I mean it; no girl should have to go through what I had to endure. No decent girl should have to undergo the pain and emotional torture. No decent girl should cry because her boyfriend made her cry.

That's why despite the ardours healing process, I know that my strength stems from my desire to have other girls learn from me, learn from my mistakes, and learn from my pain. And that's what gives me the strength to carry on, knowing that the pain I've experienced will serve as a lesson to other girls out there who are in a relationship or otherwise.

And I'll keep forcing myself forward, even if the odds are hell.

God, please help me.

I'm frustrated. And I know I have no right to be feeling this way because I just broke up but this isn't the first time and this has been a situation for the past 2 years.

I don't know what's this idea you've got whereby you think you're not good enough for anyone. I've been telling you, time and again that you're not as bad as you think you are but somehow or other, you just refuse to accept that fact. I'm not even telling you to rush out and go get a girl- I know you very well, dear friend, and I know you're a person of strong morals and won't do such a thing. I'm just saying that you've got to be open about the idea of getting into a relationship and to accept it when it comes- not pushing everyone away just because you think that person can get someone better. What if the best option for the person was you?

Look la k. Honestly, I wouldn't be bothered if it wasn't for the fact that I care for you. And I too, will be having a hell of a time keeping my agenda out of this but if one day you do actually believe in yourself and get a girl, I'll be happy for you because I know that you'd have made a right choice- even if that meant... But at the end of the day, it's what's good for you right?

Sigh. I don't know. If you're confused, I'm even more confused than you are.

So, yet again keeping this dead blog alive.

For one thing, the healing period has been a lot, and I repeat, ALOT, easier than I imagined it to be. Why? Simply because the last few times I saw him on twitter before we unfollowed each other, he was cursing the hell out of me, wishing that I'd die someday. And honestly, this is making the healing period a lot faster because now I don't have to fight against myself to stay out of contact with him- he's helping me- with his words. He's distancing us and making me miss him a whole lot less. Oh well. I really am such an idealist sometimes, even thinking we could be friends...

But idealist or otherwise, that's a chapter in my life gone, time I'll never get back, and memories from which I learnt some painful mistakes. Mistakes that I'll never make again, because the wounds are just too painful. I'm always glad that I have friends there as an anchor though- it keeps me sane and had it not been for them, my journey would have been so much rougher.

But there's this one person, and... honestly speaking, he's one person I can truly, wholeheartedly, trust. Despite seeing all my insecurities, he doesn't judge me, and he's the one person I can truly say is altruistic. I'll admit that I can be a selfish person. Yet despite the fact that I can be selfish, I'm enlightened whenever I hear that he has succeeded in achieving something.

I wish I could continue saying more. But whatever it is, this is still going to go online. And whatever's online, can be tracked so... even though I wish to continue, I shall stop here for now.

Time to sort out the mess.

" You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. "

Yeah, I know. I know it all too well.

Fk this la. Fk this la. Fk this la.

And the worst part is? I can't tell anyone about this. I can't. It's not possible.

Something's wrong with me. And I know what's wrong except that when I try to speak, instead of words, I get tears. Then I end up choking myself. Emotions are messed eh? Time to finish up my math homework and drown myself in the cold shower.

Fk. Stop overthinking.

Holy crap, I've been laughing at my posts from 2008 when I was in Sec 2. I can't believe I typed all that. I just sounded so innocent and childish, and its funny how I created so many innuendos but back then I failed to realise them...

Wait. That means I've become so corrupted over the years. Not funny anymore.

"You can't save everybody."

Yes, I never thought I'd end up in that position but that's just what I have to do. Tonight. After months of fighting, I give up. Don't get me wrong- I tried. And I tried till I was blue in the face. But what's the use of trying to save someone who won't allow themselves to be saved? 

I can't actually believe I'm saying this but.. in order to save yourself, you've got to let some people go. 

For a moment, I understand how counsellors feel when they have to haplessly watch their cases walk themself off cliffs.

You can't save everybody. 

In an old page of my journal, I had drawn countless number of hearts.

20/12/11.

The ink was thick. It leaked through the thin fibre of the paper. The next few pages bore bright blue ink marks. 2 pages down, I see the thin line of the pen nib that once scraped this sheet of paper.

It was torn. Torn from writing.

I carefully removed those 2 sheets and brought it down to the lawn. It was dark and quiet outside- perfect surroundings. Removing a match stick from the box, I strike it against the side and watched as the orange flame burst to life, then threw it down.

I watched as the flame merrily licked away at the edges of the paper, hungrily consuming it's contents.

Today, I've realised that I've been quite an immature kid over the last past few months. Why? I decided to read randomly selected posts today. Posts that I've written over the course of this year, last year, and the years before that. In some I detect pity, in others I detect pride- pride for childish things that now make me laugh at how I was so proud of them. And some make my heart ache- ache for those lost memories which will dissolve in details as the time passes. In some ways this is a good thing; we cannot undo the past. But perhaps learning from those lessons, rather than forgetting them, proves to be a better teacher.

Perhaps I've grown over the course of these few months. The harsh reality of life. The pain that ran deep, but it was not because of blood. The tears that were shed, but it was not because of sadness. The realisation that struck, but it was not because of fear.

I was immature then.

I'm back.

Alright. So I haven't written in this blog for... what, months, literally. And honestly speaking, I don't even know why I chose to revert back to using this stale blog I've never even bothered to upkeep. Perhaps it's because I'm looking for an outlet for stress relief. Perhaps I'm tired of explaining, withholding, and admitting. But whatever the reason, I know, for one thing, that despite having to hid behind a facade, I'll have to push on, to keep going forward, because there isn't an alternative route to peace.

Well I've got no choice. One thing I know is that no matter how much I want to end my pain, the damage is done and I can't look back. No, not now. Ju, you've got to be strong, firm up your resolve and keep your head high despite the treacherous waters. No one said it was going to be easy. And it helps when you have genuine friends on your side. They shake the sense into you when you don't see any, tell you to wake up when you're asleep in your fairytale, and counsel you when you're lost.

Except that I feel I've overdone the last bit. I don't know, I hope I haven't caused problems to my friends. I see them trying so hard for me that it becomes absolutely wicked and detestable if I were to continue being down. My friends have problems of their own, and the last thing I want to do is to burden them. No, you can't be selfish. Get the hell up, live your own life, because ultimately, life's about carving your future and your present, forever keeping in mind the potholes of your past and the painful memories for which a lesson must be learnt. No one's going to carve that path for you- perhaps your friend might lend you a hand with a spade or two but the effort has got to come from ourselves. We carve our own paths.

You carve your own path too. Yes, for a while, we might have shared paths- we helped each other and created what we then naively thought would be our future. But after emotional pain, hurt and abuse, our paths must diverge. We'll each be alone again- not because of fate, not because of luck, but because it's for the good of the future.

I can feel myself getting frustrated- not because of what has happened but because of what I'm feeling. I'm confused. I'm guilty of feeling this way, because I know I shouldn't be, and I'm disgusted at myself for feeling this way as well. Some things aren't just possible. No, not now. I need time to work things out. I'm tired of all the pain.

Reflection aside, I guess that has got to be the breakthrough at last in my JC life- because for the 1st time ever, I've hit a high B for my Lit essay. Reminiscing the times where A was an easy feat, I'd laugh at my own ignorance, blinded by the contempt and smug satisfaction. That was in secondary school. I've changed now. Forced to accept the way of life. Forced to grow up and mature. Forced to change for the better. And I don't regret it. Because change is the only constant in life, as cliche as it seems. Had I not experienced all I had these past 2 years, I would never have had my eyes opened, never had seen past tomorrow, and never had the chance to change.

Gosh, I haven't updated this blog for so long, follow me on tumblr guys, I've moved there: www.phoenixalena.tumblr.com

Anyway before I move, I'll just update this:

Just came back from Cambridge in England, great time there!

Bought a whole lot of stuff and made many new friends(:

I wish I was still back there under the stars.

Thanks Dave for always being there for me(: I love you baby (: <3

My 500th post! But anyway

So I've been verbally abused all my life by a disgusting individual. Seriously. If that individual wants to kill me, HAHAHA, Because I'm so scared. Bring it on man. _|_

I’m sorry, one day I’m just going to have to face the fact that I hate you. I’ve hated you every single day of my 17 years of my life. Chop my head off eh? Are you immature? Maybe even stupid and ridiculous? I know how many of my friends just ADORE their parents but you’re overboard. You think I’m scared of you, but all you have to do is to take a good look at the manner of which you treat me- its abuse beyond measure.

I’ve thought about it long and hard. I’m NOT rude. I’m just being truthful. I don’t even bother to fight back, because fighting back only puts me on your level, and it only shows how poor you are, it doesnt hurt me (: (my fav quote from mockingbird).

So go ahead, say all you want about me. The minute I’m ready for marriage I’m moving out of the house. Because I’m sick and tired of the way you’ve treated me all my life. Like your servant. Then again, I’m going to have to contend with you for a few more years. Oh, the dread.

Face it. I HATE you. once again, I say that I’m not old. I’m just treating you the way you’ve treated me all my life. It’s not amazing that I’ve been abused so much that I have to visit a counsellor.

There's not much I can say, but I'm sorry for breaking your heart today.
You'd be happier with someone else.

I don't know why I still think of you. You've already deleted me from your life. And I promised that I would as well, out of spite.

I don't really know how I'm going to cope this birthday. I wonder if you'll say happy birthday.

Hey look. I wish you could see this. But you can’t, which is why I’m posting it here because I lack the ‘balls’ to tell them to you anyway.

As much as I’ve missed you, you’re fading away. Like how I’ve probably faded away from your life. I’m moving on, and I hope you are too. I like how you say you still care, because like you, I do too, and amidst the angry feelings of rejection, hate and anguish I believe I still love you enough to care about you. I don’t know if you feel the same, and I don’t know if it’s just be being too nice or whatever. I won’t do anything to hurt you more than I should, and if others ask me about how I’m feeling all I’ll tell them is the truth. And if others ask how we have done, well, it’s the truth too.

You wanted me to be strong, didn’t you? Well I’ll be. I don’t want others to be hurt in this- its not worth it. Let me be the only one’s that’s hurt, because at least that way others won’t feel the hurt that I feel/had felt. Perhaps that’s all I’ve really got to say to you, because we haven’t spoken in a long time. Which is normal. I understand. Always know that I’ll respect what you do if you respect mine too. Alright. That’s all I’ve got to say. You’re never going to read this, so you won’t know. But I hope you’re doing all right- even though you’ve deleted photos of us on facebook. Just so you know, I’ve deleted photos of you on my handphone and my Itouch as well. Just so you know. And also know that I still care. Whether or not you’ll still remember me, I’ve no control over, so best wishes, and all the best in all you’re doing. I’m still your friend, and if you act like you actually wanted to be friends, I can too.

Yours truly,

Julyn.

I’m crying just posting this. No I’m not. I’m fine.

I love you, I love you not

I wonder what love really is.

I think that love is undeniable. We don't love someone because someone has done something good for us, or been there for us. We love a person for the way the person is. Similarly, we can't simply say that we no longer love a person just because the person has done something that has hurt or harmed you. Which sometimes makes me wonder if relationships are really about love at all. Because if they were, would there even be breakups?

Like is not love, and love is not lust. I don't think money is an illusion. I think love is.

iam back from the dead

I have posted for a long time. Forgive me please, for allowing this blog to grow mouldy and stale like a piece of cheese.
Fair bit of things have been happening over the past few weeks. JC life is tedious, but as with anything that reaps good results is never easy.
I miss IJ a lot. I miss Mrs Low and all the teachers who have nurtured me this far. Its not an easy job, but suddenly I miss the blue and white uniform I've worn 10 years of my life. Adapting requires time, and sometimes I think that Iam not adapting fast enough, or trying to please everyone. Is it only me?

Sometimes in trying to please others I lose myself entirely. I don't know who I really am, or if Iam hiding behind some sort of facade. I don't even know if Iam real or fake anymore. I try to be as real as I can but if others say otherwise, then again, its not for me to comment, but for others to watch and make the deduction themselves.

Is there something wrong with me, or am I just being paranoid and overly self concious?

What will change?
Will you still come online for me?
Will you still text me every morning?
Will you miss me?
Will you still stay up to 1am everynight for me?
Will you still treat me as a 'very very close friend' ?

Maybe Iam a bitch. Cos I don't know what I did wrong. But whatever. You want, you explain. You want to come online for me, well, that's good. If you don't, its fine also. I have a pride to keep.

Maybe Iam morbid to be speaking about this, but I think that life is too short. In it is the truth of the statement, however you would like to interpret it, but that is something that I would not pretend to believe, for it is a living working reality. It exposes ourselves to the raw truth in death, something I should think no sane being would like to contemplate. But despite us attempting to shield ourselves from the ugly truth, time and again it rears it ugly head at us, threatening to disrupt the stability of life.
Of course we moan. We moan the death of a loved one, the death of a friend, the death of a mentor, and even sympathise with the death of a stranger. Something I've learnt recently, and that's: For the victim's family members, it is an emotional turmoil, for the victim, it is a peace, a calamity. People are paid to moan and weep at a funeral procession. But behind the black veils and the faces striken with grief of those who come to help piece together the hole left in the heart of the family members, one cannot help thinking that it is, with a stroke of luck, their fate not to be burdened with a similar circumstance.

Phrases, cliche as they seem: 'Till death do us part', tell us one thing- death is an ending, but the beginning of a journey to heaven. Speaking of which, if Adam and Eve never sinned, would we, as decendants, be bounded to the same fate? I don't think we'll ever know for sure.

OMGGGGG my blog is mad rotten. Things havent picked up much, considering the fact that I haven't posted since a month before O level started and it's already a month after.
Intensified tuition before and now the world is ours to slack. I feel like looking for a job, but I guess it's my fault again I don't get up and do something. The holidays are draining fast like water being sucked from a basin. This sucks, my english isn't even as good as it once was since I've not been writing compos for a while.

I'am back on maple, which is- fun, since I've got little to do anyway. Seeing all my buddies get jobs put pressure on me as the urge to find one too increases, but then again, who says you gotta always follow the crowd :)

Miss wearing our school uniform. To think that I've worn the uniform till the navy blue lost the battle against the sun and bleached away to reveal a more resilient light blue underneath. 10 years of full Catholic education, holistic, no doubt, and breathing into every girl the values that's been grilled into us the very moment we stepped into IJ. Maybe what differentiates us is our unwavering determination, something I have yet to acquire. Nevertheless certain things remain untouched by outside circumstances, engraved into our very hearts and souls.

Speaking of school, Marcus and I were discussing the effects of being 'fake' just recently. Its a sudden realisation that what we define fake to be may not be what another determines it to be. For lack of a better term, anything, anyone that hides behind a facade is fake. Within the boundaries of our world, its not what we think is fake, its what others define fake. Inronically enough, you don't define fake. You need someone to do so for you.

Blog's been on hiatus for a while.
Lets see, if my memory permits, lets do a recap.
Last.. Friday?
Teachers' Day. Mrs Low didnt want us to come to school, but i had to, because art is THAT time consuming.
Monday:
Lit and physics paper. My arm died after the lit paper, I could hardly even write for physics.
Tuesday:
Emath. Paper 2 was HARD. I hope I dont fail :(
Heh I dedicated a song to Mrs Low on radio 91.3
Dedicated to Mrs Low, who teaches us English and Literature, and who teaches us To Kill A Mockingbird.
The song I dedicated was Mockingbird! The DJ who read it out was like, so appropriate! Heh:D
Wednesday:
No school, teachers day
Thursday:
Chem paper. Iam so depressed, pissed off at myself.
I drew the structural formula of ETHENE when they wanted PROPENE. I couldnt remember if it was C double C double bond C again, or just 2 C double bonds. ARGH.
Friday:
Don't take bio and history, so no school too:D
There you go, a recap fast quick, convienient, easy:)

:)

Went out with laoshi today. We were supposed to meet at Hougang Point but because I assumed( yes, ass-u-me) I went to Compass point( where we normally would meet) instead. So she had to take the train back down to Compass to meet me ( iam so sorry:( )

Went around to the shops and tried stuffs, she asked me to choose a handphone hanger for a friend of hers and after i chose one that I thought her friend would like, I realised that she intended it for me!! Thank you ever so much, but I feel really bad in making you do so.

Ice cream, ( she paid for me, I was unhappy about that okay! Cos I should have paid instead) then Metro where we ended up looking at cloth articles. And really, I was too embarassed to buy.. personal items... then. But maybe I should have.

Ice, Ice, Ice:)

ithurts,doesntit?

Prelims and EOY mass for us.
Both are such time consuming activities, and both are important. Well at least for me, Jac and Lynette too. Its hard. We had no scores, I improvised the scores on the very spot and duh, I made slips because Iam not perfect, neither am i Richard Clayderman. So I cant regugitate scores like * snap* that. Please guys, be more reasonable. We'll work hard and you will too, okay?

It pains me to see you go away. But I have to learn to let go, give you up. Yes, I must not be selfish, and even though I'll hate the person who basks in your company, I've got to learn that 'its not okay to hate anybody'. But that'll be a exhausting task. No, be positive, grin, and bear with it, even if my heart is cut by a knife a mile long, even if my eyes are raw and red from the ocean of tears that have welled up behind the dams and gushed out akin to a river, even if my hands have shielded my heart and face for so long, its time to give you up, let you go, be your own and I'll be mine.
But it pains me so. I won't ever deny that. Won't even try.

Thursday:
SEMTREX emergency exercise. I got it that morning( if you were there, you'd know what Iam talking about), cramps real bad. It got worse when the exercise got boring and the song dedication came up. The constant vibration caused the entire floor to shake and rattle, and all that while I was digging my fingernails into my palm and preventing myself from screaming out loud( yep, that's how bad it was).

Returned back to class, it got worse. It was the end of day, and everyone was packing up to leave, save for Shermaine and Michele who kindly waited for me for a short while( or at least, what they thought to be a short while turned long). Cramps so bad i begged Clara for a panadol, in which i gulped down in a hurry. I glanced at the door, at the floor and promptly went down in a faint. Out of sorts as to what happened after.

This I heard from my friends:
I was in a praying position, grabbed someone, and muttered about not being able to see.
Mrs Low ran upstairs in an effort to find me, prodded me on my back, and said,
" Julyn."
No answer.
" Ju Lyn??"
No answer.
"JULYN!!!"
And I rose from the dead, like how a dead body would rise up out of a grave. Hah, the way Rina reinacted the event was awesome.
Not so awesome for me, visited the sick bay for the 1st time, and worried the hell outta everyone around me. Iam sooo sorry:( But I really can't help it none.

Don't leave me now, because I'll miss you.
I already do, without ever knowing that you'll not come back.
Never come back to see your beloved sister, how is that possible?
Do I not matter so much as a flicker of flame in your life?
I want the people whom I love to stay in my life forever.

I love you indefinitely <3 :-*

There are time I just want to cry. Like now. Don't stop me.

You think you can keep holding on to me, don't you? Forget it, because you CAN'T. I've got my own mind, and I can make my own decisions. So stop thinking you can reign me back with your words because I don't care, won't care, and couldn't care less because what you say is just your opinion. Don't think you can make decisions for me, because you'll fail. Fail badly.
And when I succeed, I'll look down upon you with pity, pity that you never understood me enough to know that I have a mind of my own and it is independant to what you think. Sorry if I hurt you by not talking to you, but its a sweet revenge compared to how I feel, and Iam happy, happy that you're upset.

姐这是你应该看的。

明天是华文O水准口试，我很怕D；有人可以给我勇气吗？
自从华文补习课完成了，我心中都觉得像有什么事不对证。
Something's not right. Its never right, never will be right. There's the empty feeling of having my Sunday morning free, not having anything to look forward to on Sunday morning except maybe chemistry tuition. There's this empty space where my heart once was, which can't ever be filled again.
And each time I think about it, Iam absolutely burdened by just the very thought of being unable to communicate my thoughts to the one who has been by my side, listened to my rants, and provided good advice.
Though she speaks chinese and I speak a mixture of both ( ah, how sad) , but mainly english, its a tough interaction. Yet somehow, we managed that.

I wonder what I'll do now that you've left me to stand on my own 2 feet. I know you're just a text message away. But its never the same. It will never be the same. And that, my buddies, makes me real sad.

I never knew that ache could be a physical pain, a real pain that exists as a knot tied deep in the pit of my stomach, resigning to tighten everytime I think about those days. Trust you, never say die, promise you!

To that, my sister, buddy, mentor and teacher, I salute you!

Iam 16! Finally! Now I can watch NC16 movies~~~ :D

Thanks, everyone who wished me a happy birthday:) Mostly on facebook, but to those who didnt wish me on facebook, Isabel, Shermaine, Michele, Yi Chuan,Zhang Lao Shi, my relatives and Cousin Sarah:D
I love you all too:D

Friday
Cross country run, ran and ran my lungs out and I came in 9th outta the whole sec4 and sec5 level!! Like, omg! I could'nt believe it cos perhaps, FINALLY, my hard work put into running as paid off! And iam not even from a sporting CCA~ Its the 1st and last medal I'll even clinch from IJ before I leave it.. :(

Went home, muscle ache, but that was expected:)


Sunday
Went for lunch with relatives at Jack's place, scrumptious affair:)
The steak was goooooood. Pity no photos, we were all too busy eating :(
Came home, cut cake. Then had to chiong for tuition.
Straight from tuition to my cousin's house for gathering.
Ate crabs for dinner, swallowed a small piece of crab shell in the process.
Tried to shove it down with rice, but swallowed too fast and nearly puked:(
My cousin was especially calm then, heh, that's what you get for being a medical student and being used to these sorta mundane issues.

Another cake there, and even the parrot and the dog had portions of the cake! :D
Thanks everyone, especially my beloved one and only cousin, for making this memorable! <3


Monday
Went out with Laoshi for lunch, as well as Yichuan at Pizza Hut<3
Ordered the Student set for both of us, and the special one for Laoshi:D
She let us pay! Finally!
Intended to go to laoshi's friend's house to celebrate her birthday( which so happened to fall on the same day as mine), then realised there was a switch in plans.
I intended my good buddy to go along, but I think laoshi's friend was a little uncomfortable about the idea, although laoshi was all for it.
Didnt go in the end, and was bitterly disappointed :(

Gonna walk to Fernvale now for dinner.

Cross country run tomorrow. Iam tired just thinking about it. 3km. Okay, maybe not so bad. But then again, it'll not be easy, considering that we're all competing against some of the fastest in the school. With that, I don't stand a chance.

Something's eating my form teacher up these days. I don't want to judge, but its very hard to refrain from doing so. After she scolded me for CIP related issues, I don't want to make any more contact with her than I have to- at least for that day.
But I realised its kinda wrong to judge someone on a one off occasion, is it not? It could be stress. She's been pretty nice to us as a whole, and everyone has his or her bad days. Iam of no exception.
Maybe her angsty-ness will fade off in the coming week or so. Sure hope that it does, but for now, I've got to be quick on my feet and even quicker in coming up with answers for Mockingbird and Raisin.

Its. No. Easy. Feat.

I lost 27 CIP hours. What hurts more is that ML doesnt want to help me. Iam honestly disappointed, okay, yea, its not her job. But perhaps I didnt know she was so hard hearted as to leave me in the lurch. :(
Iam throughly lost. How am I supposed to find MN when she could be ANYWHERE? I mean, do I have to go to Israel to find her?!

i'llchaseyoudownuntilyouloveme

Last chinese lesson. 我心里好痛苦。I know I sound as if Iam crazily enthusiatic for Chinese lesson but that's the last time I'll see my jie jie- for a long long time D;
To make matters worse, chinese O level orals are coming. Looming up ahead like a dark cloud ready to engulf sheep like me.

Jie：
You're right. I shouldnt be talking so much about killing myself. Because that'll hurt everyone.
And that guy- perhaps I really shouldn't be bothering so much about him. Even as I won't never see him again...
Thanks for being there for me to rant about my troubles.
Even as I won't be seeing you for a long time to come, I will still disturb you with my messages. Constant ones. So that you won't forget me. :D 但还是心如刀割. Bandage for my heart, anyone?

Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom - Parry Gripp

Random video here, but I saw this on Melina's facebook and thought it damn cute xD Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom~

And again, this art camp that is driving me up the wall. How am I going to finish it?! Its a long long journey with no visible light. Or is there? I don't see anything. My homework's left undone, nothing's been revised, because, hell, art is taking up all my time! It really is.

I wanna die. Right now. Somebody kill me this instant.

Outing and +++

Hello World:)

Went out for lunch with 老师and Yi Chuan on Friday at Subway. Camwhored outside the subway outlet at Sengkang, kinda embarassing but okay, we don't actually know the people who walked by(:
老师forced us into letting her pay ): Felt super bad okayy! We're supposed to be treating her, not vice versa. But okay, the cold cut trio was delish! :D




老师，me.


















Camwhore outside the subway outlet. Camera shake ):

老师，Yi Chuan, and I





Left off at the junction of the Starbucks in Sengkang, took a bus home, panicked because
I thought bus was a journey to nowhere ( it was travelling along the expressway)
Got off the bus and it started to rain. Not heavy, but enough to annoy me good and thorough.
started running at the pathway near the drain and I slipped.
And fell.
Like smack, on the pavement, but Iam alright. I watched as my phone bounced, bounced, and bounced, cracking against the pavement each time, and finally came to rest on a dead palm leaf.
Okay, now my phone has a scar ): and its just a week old! Poor phone~

OKAy, things to do
- ART SKETCHES
- TESTIMONIAL
- HOMEWORK
RAWRRR

Lovee

My new phone!! <>

Lovin it to the max! <>

I dont care if its not the newest or anything, its good enough for me. Why do people have to be so brand concious?

Flagged

Ohhhh thanks everyone, for actually bothering about this blog of mine.
Flag day today, spent most of the time walking around, searching for kind hearted souls who'll donate.
This is tantamount to begging, but fortunately, it was for the IJ homes, an orphanage, so it wasnt much of a problem.
As expected, some were downright rude. Oh yes, there were the generous ones who donated, but then again, a coin always has its 2 sides. A flip of the coin would reveal some rather uncompromising lineaments of the singaporean population with regards to the expenditure of their hard earned money.
Our cans were pretty heavy by the end of the day, especially since there was one guy I remembered in particular who donated $10. $10! I wish I could be just as generous, but here I cannot lie; I am not so, and I dutifully, regretfully admit it.

Whatever the case, I hope to earn enough CIP hours to tide my through. Miss Nandar is holding on to something like 27 hours of CIP and I haven't seen her, not for a long time.

I keep posting and posting and no one in the whole hellish world is reading this crap. Why do I even bother?! !#$^@#$

唉，美术。真使人头痛！ARGH

ORDERING MATERIALS FOR AEP IS HARD

Hees. Iam staring at this blank empty space with nothing I have in mind to type. No, I do have something to type. I have a thousands things I'd like to pour out into this space that is so inviting.
But I'll only do that if I've gone mad.
Because I learnt that I cant trust everyone.
And I've got to stop being naive.

Please, stop nagging me. Its not going to help you none, I promise.
Its your own folly if you do so. I aint gonna say more.

What should I say? What should I say regarding this matter? My Chinese O levels were... alright, I should say. It was a tad easier than I thought it to be, however, the last thing I'd really want to do is to sit on my laurels and be complacent.

Honestly man, I hate you sometimes, hate you so bad. Brain matter between my ears eh? Like you have any brain matter in there yourself. I bet its full of air and dead flies. At least I have some matter manz, unlike you. Hell, cut the pompousness, you make me shudder. Iam glad I know for a fact that you aren't anyone to me.

Yes, I know Iam not Catholic. Iam Christian, even as I don't have paper qualifications to prove it. It often made me wonder if papers really determine your faith in Christ. Iam not baptised, but it doesn't matter to me. Because sometimes, even if a person is baptised, that person may not believe in Christ. What I think matters most is whether or not you truly believe. Papers mean nothing to me. But residing in a Catholic environment has, to a certain extent, made me realise that everything cannot be done without God's help. Its the 1st time Iam hearing of Saint Jude, Mrs Low told us about him, who aids the lost, lonely and hopeless.

That, and I know. I've learnt to pray. To believe. Because can anything else help me now?

ohbaby,life isnt what you think it is.

And the sun rose, for the very last time, and I'll say, " Goodbye world, for being here for me. Sayonara, I love you."
And I was standing at a dizzying height, the ground looked far, far away. The trees and cars that lay flat below my feet resembled the tip of the little finger.
I took one last look at my surroundings, felt the warmth of the sun, felt the cool breeze caressing my face, climbed up upon the window sill and looked down. My feet left the edge of the sill and in a second I was freefalling, down, down, down, to meet the ground that rushed up to greet me...

I know, in those few seconds, that it would be easy to say I fell, that's what they would think. But I know, and only I know, that that never really was the truth.

Thanks Mel(: for the words,

Mentis

Opprimo

Materia

Fiestaa

I should listen to you. You want me to, don't you? I will.
But your remarks cut and hurt sometimes. I may not be as smart as others, but I do make an honest effort to be.
我真的是那么的愚蠢吗？我真不敢相信自己。
会考快到了，我好担心。如果成绩不理想，我该怎么办？
Last ever IJ fiesta for us was over yesterday. How sad. I mean honestly, the fact that its our last year ever is just depressing enough, the thought.
Speaking of which, the viking ship was pretty swell. And perhaps you might say that we are too old for the bouncy castle but I tried anyway, because I had to spend the money somehow.
The food was good- our class manned the Mushroom and cheese omelette stall and we did a good bit of crying our wares, " MUSHROOM AND CHEESE OMELETTE!!" as well as " ENGLISH BREAKFAST" and " BACON AND SAUSAGE SANDWICH!!"
Screamed our voices hoarse.

Shermaine Michele and I took the 1st shift, so we left spirit day 1/2 hour early. We were just preparing the food when the school was released. Okay, I wouldnt exaggerate but our sales were not all that whopping. Heh. I mean, perhaps a sandwich didnt whet their appetites but we tried okay! And the food was good. Thanks to all those who did come visit, and to Mrs Low our form teacher who said she wouldnt normally be consuming so many eggs in short period of time ( she was holding a bowl of laksa which ALSO had a egg in it)
Mrs Low: Is this our class?
Isabel and I: yep.
Me: BUYYYYY!!
Isabel :YA BUYYY!
Mrs Low: I'll support.
( Someone gave Isabel the plate, who proceeded to give it to Mrs Low)
Mrs Low: Dont need la, just put it inside the bowl ( of laksa)
Me: HUH?!
Isabel: What??!! Er Mrs Low, you sure?!!
Me: Are you sure....?
Mrs Low ( after a second's thought) : okay, forget it, just put it seperately okay!

Heh. Imagine. fried cheesy egg swimming in laksa. Hold on to your lunch everyone.

Viking ship with Zenia, Shermaine, Michele, Jac, Grace( but left shortly after cos she had duty), Ru hui, Rina, Wen Hui, Dhiviyaa, Lynette, and I. It was great, but heart sinking at the same time. The feeling was absolutely exhilarating.
Ate and Ate and ate. All sorts. Iam not going to list it here.
And it came during the Fiesta. Of all times yea. Thank goodness no pain during the viking and the castle.
Went home sweaty, sticky, happy.
But we wont get to play a part in it no longer.
That's the saddest part.
I really gotta study now. She will kill me if she knows Iam online.

D;

Iam so bitterly disappointed. 对不起，老师。我真的对自己很失望。但我知道你不对我失望，只是自己的要求太高。
WHY？！！
Please. 我不要再忍受这件事了。
再忍受总有一天会发疯的。帮我。
Help me. I don't want to endure this anymore, not any longer than I have to.
Perhaps I lack something. But what??

我知道我的水平不阿高，但我已经尽力了。
这些，你都知道吗？
我真不希望你对我的成绩而失望。
但是我的成绩还没拿回。
如果我的成绩不理想，你会怎样呢？会对我失望呢？还是心想打死我呢？
如果成绩真不理想，我不知道怎样对待你，因为你是能使我真心用力去读好这科目。

please believe me when I say...

Listen. You don't understand when I fall ill or when I faint.
Perhaps this entity has never been well understood, and its up to me to explain why.
Its enough to have the class look at you like a weird freak because I appear so sickly.
Well Iam not. I really am not. What happened to the days when you called me ' army girl' ?
Somehow, I miss those days. Because I want to be strong, to fight against the odds.
See some people think Iam faking this to get attention.
Whoever put such a retarded notion into their heads? I'd do anything ( perhaps, with the exception of injections) to get well again, to not be so 'sickly'.
But I cant help it, can I? Its not my fault, is it?
I know I sound like I've got a serious illness. But Iam thankful I dont. At least, Iam hoping I dont. I've yet to undergo tests.
But I will. And I am. Finally, yes? There's something other than low blood pressure causing me to faint. I hope its not serious. Because Iam not sickly. I am not.

Listen to me. Because I hardly ever get to talk to you.
If I faint and fall sick a million times, will you be there for me? Or will I have faded from your mind like morning dew?

The way it seems, parents rule your life. Your life is pathetic. What you do is all within the boundaries of your parents. Of course Iam not blaming them. Its normal for parents to worry, always.
But excessive worrying? Isnt it too much?

Saw this on fran's facebook, think its quite true, actually.
Kissing is a sin
$ex is a shame,
boys get all the fun, girls get all the blame.
One night of pleasure,
for nine months of pain.
three days in the hospital with a baby to name.
boys say they love you
boys say you're fine.
but when you say," Iam pregnant"
They say its not mine!

我爱你，爱着你，
I think something's wrong with me~

Neighbour is playing that song so loudly, I really feel like throwing open the window and yelling for her to turn it down.

哈哈，我发疯了！！！！

And the forgotten words..

Iam staring at this blog post with a hundred and one things to say, but I just cant put them in words. Why?

There's so many things I want to say, have to say. Yet these words freeze in my throat because it chooses the person it wants to spill it to. And this I have no control over.

Do you understand? Because you never seem to do, even if you appear to try bridge some sort of connection. Sometimes I wonder if its the age gap. Or perhaps something else.

In the silence of the night, our dreams we must thus fight.
Oh man.

Baby, if I say I miss you, I mean it.

hold me tight,for now

You'll understand the meaning of love when you just lost it.
You'll understand the meaning of faith when you just misplaced it.
You'll understand the meaning of religion when you believe in it.
You'll understand the meaning of hope when you gain it.

I'll never understand why, why I always play the 3rd party. Iam never the one to belong, to fit in, but instead I stick out like a sore thumb. Somehow, though I'll never say it, I wish we were an even number, because that'll mean that another person won't no longer have to be lonely.

Another thing. To strangers, I learn to give limited help.

And thank you, for being there for me, for letting me cry to you over the phone during those days when it was raw and no one actually cared. And for supplementing me with your own life examples. I feel for you. I know how you feel. I know that someday, you've gotta let me go, find my own footing, and let me walk the rest of my life on my own two feet.
But till that day comes, will you hold me tight and say that you'll be there for me?
Because I cant imagine, even withstand you saying, " no, I don't have the time for you because Iam too busy."
I don't have the time for you. Those lines cut, those lines hurt.
If you do say that, prepare for me to be upset-visibly upset. You just touched a nerve, don't expect there to be no tears, because I've been crying over you every night. Every night.

Because if you don't have the time for me, who does?

outing

Met shermaine and michele at Novena MRT, I had intention to buy a school bag because mine has a large hole, and it isnt big enough =/
Went for bag 1st, then bought it, went to Cotton on. Bought a white tank with Shermaine, parents nagged like mad about how I shouldnt be buying such revealing clothes, yea, like they know anything, honestly.
Lunch at this japanese restaurant serving italian food with a twist. Michele had eel and bacon? I cant remember :( speghetti, I took the all original bolognese and shermaine took the carbonara:)
<3 it:)
Camwhored and camwhored on the seats. Super embarassing, but well, we don't even know those people :D
Rather can continue my rattling, here's some photographic evidence.
PS: Iam tired of listening to run devil run playing over and over because my media player is screwed.


Camwhoring session! :D

During Lunch <3>

Shermaine with Carbonara Speghetti, Iam with Speghetti Bolongnese

I couldnt turn the picture around, so all viewers please turn your head. Sorry. I was totally annoyed with it already, besides, I couldnt delete the photo once posted.

From left: Me, Michele Shermaine. I have little idea of shermaine giving the dao face.

I Miss you. 我想你。

I miss you.
我很想你。
Will you come back?
你再也会回来吗？
Remember how we used to say
还记得我们所说的话
That we'll keep in touch,, always?
我们一定永远的联系，
It hasnt exactly faded.
它还没真正的消灭。
But we can't be as close as we used to be.
但我们之间的关系触礁。
I want to go back to those days again.
我很希望总有一天，能回到那时代。
But will I ever be able to?
但我再也能不能实现这愿望呢？

fiction

The room was just as it looked- dim, with an occasional light that pilfered in from the window. It settled, comfortably, on the couple that were perched at the end of the bed. But it was no couple. It was a lady, evidently older, and a young girl. The girl sat with her knees drawn, her head down.
The older lady stroked her back, gradually at first, then increasing in intensity as the frequency of the girl's sobs doubled, whispering words of comfort into her ear.

The girl turned- in the faint, yet diminishing light, the girl's face was clearly seen, a ghostly oval shape tinted with large brown eyes- and streaked with tears. Her hair hung down in locks, matted with the fluid from her eyes and she wore an expression of acute horror.

"Why me?" She asked. The question pierced the air, hung in the light like a fog over an enclosed room." Why me???"
The older lady knew this to be a rheoteorical question, yet she answered.
"It isnt your fault." She said, " He came as he wanted to, nothing would've stopped him. Time will heal. "

The young girl said nothing. Her mind churned with thoughts, of fear, of thoughts of men prying at her from behind closed doors. " I don't want to have to go through this," she said, an afterthought," I want there to be some end, I need this to relieve me, fast, quicker, even."
She felt the hand of the lady sitting beside her come into contact with her left arm. " Pray."
Just one little word. Pray. The girl looked up with her in wonderment.
Pray. And so they did. Her hands clasped in front of her, her fists, white from clenching the waded piece of tissue. Upon looking up, the girl let her eyes linger on the floor for a moment, examining its intricate cuts.

" Will you hug me?"
The girl's voice came in barely a whisper. Even as she spoke, her voice trembled and shivered- shivered, just like the girl herself, thought it was a hot summer's night with no breeze.

" Yes, I will", said the older lady. With her right arm she clasped the girl round her full width of her shoulders and turned her so they were face to face. "Listen to me," said the older lady, "I understand your situation." There was little that needed to be said. The older lady got up from the bed and made for the door.
Just as her hand rested upon the brass doorknob of the door, voice spoke.
"Thank you." The girl had spoken.
The older lady stood, hands on her hips and a little smile on her face.
"No problem,"She said. Her hand turned the doorknob, and in a second, she was gone.

The little girl sat on the bed, unmoving. Slowly, she picked up a nearby pillow and tossed it against the head of the bed. She stood up and stretched. It had been a hot night, hotter than usual. The moon was full. Water was dripping from the tap.
Her eyes melted, full chocolate gushed in torrents down her face. It combined with her nose, which had sunken in, and stood, absolute straight, as her body melted down towards the floor. Her mouth, open in a scream, anguished as her body gasped for air. She looked down, and watched as her body convulsed and collapsed. Her legs disappeared, as with her arms, and soon nothing more than a head sitting in pool of what was a body remained.
Her facial features melted, and upon closer inspectiong we realise that her mouth, open in a groan, cascades, joining the pool of melted body parts on the ground, until nothing but a small puddle of her remains.
And with an almighty roar, the puddle of deathly girl emerges,and floats through the air, in droplets.

amigo... i...i

A friend.
A term. A generic term.
What, and who do we consider a friend?
The guy at the bus stop at sits next to you.
The girl suntanning on the beach a few metres away, who looks up and gives you the slightest hint of a smile.
The neighbour whom you periodically meet.
What constitutes as a friend?
A confidant, a person you trust, a person whom you know you can confide in, to talk to, without qualms.
And its strange how sometimes, friends can take different forms. Like the teacher whom I never thought would become one of my closest confidants because we speak a different language.
Like the buddy whom I met at swimming class when I was just 6 years old because I backstroke-ed into her, whacking her on her face by accident, and so having the very 1st word spoken between as as, "sorry. "

And yet, friends betray. They betray. And that hurts, doesn't it? It still pains me to know why friends back stab, why friends betray, why friends break apart.
The hypocrisy of the world.

Don't stop, make it pop
DJ blow my speakers up,
Tonight, gonna fight,
Till we see the sunlight.
Tick Tock, on the clock,
But the party don't stop no~

Sudden love for this song. I don't know why.

AEP ( 美术) is sucking up so much time!!
Time is disappearing faster than an unplugged basin filled with water.
Help.

Its been a year.
And I request a gentle plea,
That I hope you'll keep:
Will you remember me?

Its been a year
Since I last saw you
Will I have faded
like the morning dew?

Will you still remember
The times that we shar
In the bitter freezing cold
On that boat, wintery air?

If I walk up to you now
and say a word hello
Will you still remember
those times, a year ago?

Maybe if has gone,
Maybe just faded away
But I'd like to think not.
Not ever so faraway.

Its been a year.

That feeling.
Of reject, of lost hopes, of lost dreams.
Yes, what other feeling can I be describing but the feeling of a flunk exam?
Dont cry over split milk, I know that phrase all too well.
Then again, the last time I flunk exam, my tears were evident to such an outcome.
And it mocked my plight. Yes it mocked me.
Upon reflection, I don't want to blame my falling ill at such a wrong! time entirely.
Could I say its due to stress, or perhaps another reason, another motive I know not of?

Bitterly disappointed for Emath.

I could have done better.

But instead I chose to screw it up.

I thought I was the only one when I started crying during the Emath paper.

Then I realised I was probably not the only one- the teacher later mentioned that we should just forget about whatever answers we have written down for that paper and just move on.

Seems like so many of us felt the frustration in being unable to complete a paper that was beyond our capabilities.

There goes my dream of being able to DSA.

Who am I kidding??!

Chemistry and Emath tomorrow.
I will live to see the end of the day.
Yes, I will.
Iam sorry, I dont practise what I preach.
I cantD;
( what does my heart say? )

What's worse than a sore throat?
A runny nose.
What's worse than a runny nose?
A cough.
What's worse than a cough?
A combination of all three.
What's worse than a combo of all three?
A fever.
What's worse than a fever?
A fever during your exam.
AND THAT'S WHAT IAM EXPERIENCING NOW.
LIT PAPER IS TOMORROWWWWWW!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Help me, Help me. 帮我。我快要死了，不，我不能死！这次的考试，我能不能坚持到底呢？！！ 我能吗？
跟我说呀！
我们原本是好朋友，但是为什么你放弃了我呢？我又犯了什么错误使你这样对我呢？
恨不得把所有的东西哭出来，希望心理方面能够好受些。
不能，我眼眶都哭干了。