I suppose its not a really good thing that I tend to try to hide a lot of things.
Note the word try.
I'm not exactly the best at hiding my emotions, but I do a pretty good job hiding my illnesses, I think. But it isn't a good thing. The reason why I'm typing this- or rather, have the time to muse about inconsequential subjects like these- is because I'm sitting at my laptop with my left foot propped up on a chair and in a thick white bandage.
I guess it would never have been *this* bad if I hadn't aggravated the problem by insisting I was fine when all the other church members I was playing frisbee with asked if I wanted to sit out. Chu and this new girl, Mabel, even insisted that they saw my ankle twist but I denied. I even considered continuing the game... fortunately Chu had a clearer head than I did at that point in time. Adrenaline rush, I realise, does have its weird effects. Like causing me to still think it was okay to play with a sprained ankle (or what began as a sprained ankle). And I was still joking around with the church members during the break. Which probably made them think it wasn't serious.

Funnily enough, I actually thought it was nothing. I thought that I could just sit around for a while then continue playing, and I was wrong, again. It seems like I can never accurately gauge how bad my injuries are, and no, I never expected myself to land up at the A&E of TTSH tearing from the pain which eventually resulted in my left foot swelling. I didn't expect that I'd end up with a torn ligament either. Which, then again, is the reason why I'm missing school. For the next 3 days.

Maybe it's because I've been brought up never to care for myself, but this shouldn't be a excuse. Because this worries others who genuinely do care, and honestly, I'd really hate to disappoint these people. And when people care for me, or show me concern, I receive it awkwardly, merely because I know that I don't know how to return these acts of generosity. I push them away because I don't want the feeling of obligation, of knowing that I have to return these acts of kindness if they were in my position. Very few ( I can count these people on one hand) know that I'm joking. That I hide all this pain (physical pain) behind laughter. Judging from the reactions of my church members when they saw how I was joking about my injury, none of them (except Chu, maybe) know that I'm really hurt. And it's fine with me, albeit a little sad, somehow. Something about me wishes that they really knew. But I know that I can't accept all that care without giving something in return. I can't accept favours from anyone, maybe except from those really close to me. I wish I could tell them, but something stops me from doing so, as well. People say I need to learn how to speak up, and articulate my pain, but I can't, and I won't be able to for a long time. Chu says I need to learn how to take care of myself, but that, at least its somewhat within my means.

But the biggest lesson I learnt? Playing frisbee with thick nike sports shoes on an uneven field isn't a smart thing to do. 

Imperfect

I actually harbour a lot of imperfections, I think. Like the fact that, during my first tutorial of this semester, I was overcome with a panic attack because the people in my class looked so utterly serious. Like the fact that my professor seemed to be talking in a different language about Darwin's theory of evolution and the gaia and overmind and the collective conciousness and unconciousness. It's a blur and that's what scares me. Fine, granted that I eventually found out what all that meant, it doesn't mean it was any less, yknow, cheem. It took me a while to grasp it. What if I was the only one? And what if everyone else understood but were just faking that they didn't understand it? And best (or worst) of all, what if I was actually naive enough to believe them?

The idea of school hits me right in the gut sometimes, and its a sickening, wrenching feeling that physically manifests itself- the day before school began, I went home after playing Captain's ball with the church suffering from stomachache induced not by spoilt food, but by fear. That meant that I went to school the next day feeling uncomfortable as heck but I managed to pull through the day anyway. I had dinner with my ex-colleagues after (story another time) but with the sickening dread of school the next day.

Funnily enough, I don't remember feeling this way last semester. I was happy, then, but I guess the grim reality of uni life finally kicked in, and I'm slowly withdrawing from people, from friends and becoming this quiet person all over again. It always happens with school. And now I shall see who are the friends whom stay with me throughout this period. Time has proven that this is an effective method of separating the acquaintances from the friends.

Its about time I sign off from this blogpost anyway. I contemplated posting about the disastrous dinner meetup with my ex-colleagues (to me, at least), but I'll save that for another time. When the fear and stomachache and nausea of a new semester passes. 

2014

So.. its 2014. I've kept this blog for almost 7 years already. Time flies quickly indeed. And in sync with the tradition I've done almost every year, here's a little dedication to all those people who mean something to me.

To all those people I've met this year, including my best guy friend and all my uni mates, thanks for brightening my year. 2013 would have never been the same without you guys. I'm glad to have met you all in some way or another. This time last year, I was devoid of some of the best people in my life who made my year so brilliantly colourful. I was worrying over the start of my kindergarten teaching job, and I was mentally preparing to retake A levels/sign on/go to a private uni if my results turned out bad. But I did decently enough, and after applying for uni, I was fortunate to have met my work colleagues, one of whom I would have never imagined would turn out to be my best guy friend. You saw me through the crap at work, and knew that even as I was trying to be happy, that I was grappling with a lot of issues, and you pulled me through them by being there for me and for being a shoulder to cry on when I needed one. Then uni began, and I was happy to have met some of the sweetest and non-judgemental people around, whom pulled me through the darker days of uni life, and whom I became close to despite such a short period.

To those whom have seen me through 2013 and prior to that, thanks for always being there for me and for mainining close friends despite our vastly different schedules. We no longer see each other on a regular basis, but that never stopped us from remaining fast friends. Friends whom I can wholly trust without fearing judgement, and whom I can be truthfully, purely, happy with. I'm not a mushy person, but you guys have helped me through difficulties much more than you imagine, and I'd never want to lose you all for the world.

To my boyfriend, Chu, you deserve a special dedication because you're my other half, and this year will be a tough one as you'll be flying off for so many overseas exercises. We've lasted through more than a year- we're coming 2 years now- and I'm glad we stuck through everything together. Even though you're the most clumsy, bumbling person I've met, I still smile at your cute mannerisms. You know how to truly make me happy, so much so I am comfortable enough to slurp soup from the bowl, wear my worst home clothes and pull off my weirdest stunts without fearing judgement from you. Thanks for always trying to make me smile, by turning up with food and chocolate when I'm feeling down, and for knowing that my idea of a good date is a bowl of food and movie session at my house. Thanks for showing me all those cute little things to cheer me up when I'm stressed, whatsapping me pictures of cute fat rabbits or cats because you know that animals are our common love. The list is endless but these are just off the top of my head. You've made me contented and happy, and in return all I'd want is to be a better girlfriend for you, to care for you the way you want. I love you, and I'm not afraid of expresssing it here. Please stay safe in Brunei, and I'll be always praying for your safe return.