Gosh, I haven't updated this blog for so long, follow me on tumblr guys, I've moved there: www.phoenixalena.tumblr.com

Anyway before I move, I'll just update this:

Just came back from Cambridge in England, great time there!

Bought a whole lot of stuff and made many new friends(:

I wish I was still back there under the stars.

Thanks Dave for always being there for me(: I love you baby (: <3

My 500th post! But anyway

So I've been verbally abused all my life by a disgusting individual. Seriously. If that individual wants to kill me, HAHAHA, Because I'm so scared. Bring it on man. _|_

I’m sorry, one day I’m just going to have to face the fact that I hate you. I’ve hated you every single day of my 17 years of my life. Chop my head off eh? Are you immature? Maybe even stupid and ridiculous? I know how many of my friends just ADORE their parents but you’re overboard. You think I’m scared of you, but all you have to do is to take a good look at the manner of which you treat me- its abuse beyond measure.

I’ve thought about it long and hard. I’m NOT rude. I’m just being truthful. I don’t even bother to fight back, because fighting back only puts me on your level, and it only shows how poor you are, it doesnt hurt me (: (my fav quote from mockingbird).

So go ahead, say all you want about me. The minute I’m ready for marriage I’m moving out of the house. Because I’m sick and tired of the way you’ve treated me all my life. Like your servant. Then again, I’m going to have to contend with you for a few more years. Oh, the dread.

Face it. I HATE you. once again, I say that I’m not old. I’m just treating you the way you’ve treated me all my life. It’s not amazing that I’ve been abused so much that I have to visit a counsellor.

There's not much I can say, but I'm sorry for breaking your heart today.
You'd be happier with someone else.

I don't know why I still think of you. You've already deleted me from your life. And I promised that I would as well, out of spite.

I don't really know how I'm going to cope this birthday. I wonder if you'll say happy birthday.

Hey look. I wish you could see this. But you can’t, which is why I’m posting it here because I lack the ‘balls’ to tell them to you anyway.

As much as I’ve missed you, you’re fading away. Like how I’ve probably faded away from your life. I’m moving on, and I hope you are too. I like how you say you still care, because like you, I do too, and amidst the angry feelings of rejection, hate and anguish I believe I still love you enough to care about you. I don’t know if you feel the same, and I don’t know if it’s just be being too nice or whatever. I won’t do anything to hurt you more than I should, and if others ask me about how I’m feeling all I’ll tell them is the truth. And if others ask how we have done, well, it’s the truth too.

You wanted me to be strong, didn’t you? Well I’ll be. I don’t want others to be hurt in this- its not worth it. Let me be the only one’s that’s hurt, because at least that way others won’t feel the hurt that I feel/had felt. Perhaps that’s all I’ve really got to say to you, because we haven’t spoken in a long time. Which is normal. I understand. Always know that I’ll respect what you do if you respect mine too. Alright. That’s all I’ve got to say. You’re never going to read this, so you won’t know. But I hope you’re doing all right- even though you’ve deleted photos of us on facebook. Just so you know, I’ve deleted photos of you on my handphone and my Itouch as well. Just so you know. And also know that I still care. Whether or not you’ll still remember me, I’ve no control over, so best wishes, and all the best in all you’re doing. I’m still your friend, and if you act like you actually wanted to be friends, I can too.

Yours truly,

Julyn.

I’m crying just posting this. No I’m not. I’m fine.

I love you, I love you not

I wonder what love really is.

I think that love is undeniable. We don't love someone because someone has done something good for us, or been there for us. We love a person for the way the person is. Similarly, we can't simply say that we no longer love a person just because the person has done something that has hurt or harmed you. Which sometimes makes me wonder if relationships are really about love at all. Because if they were, would there even be breakups?

Like is not love, and love is not lust. I don't think money is an illusion. I think love is.

iam back from the dead

I have posted for a long time. Forgive me please, for allowing this blog to grow mouldy and stale like a piece of cheese.
Fair bit of things have been happening over the past few weeks. JC life is tedious, but as with anything that reaps good results is never easy.
I miss IJ a lot. I miss Mrs Low and all the teachers who have nurtured me this far. Its not an easy job, but suddenly I miss the blue and white uniform I've worn 10 years of my life. Adapting requires time, and sometimes I think that Iam not adapting fast enough, or trying to please everyone. Is it only me?

Sometimes in trying to please others I lose myself entirely. I don't know who I really am, or if Iam hiding behind some sort of facade. I don't even know if Iam real or fake anymore. I try to be as real as I can but if others say otherwise, then again, its not for me to comment, but for others to watch and make the deduction themselves.

Is there something wrong with me, or am I just being paranoid and overly self concious?